Calendar? Done.
New symbols/color guide for ban.do journal? Done.
BT21 study planner? In the works. Quite frankly, I'm wondering if I should bother using it. Maybe I could send it to cousin instead, I don't know. I don't even know why I got it in the first place. Takaw mata sort of moment back in Seoul while we were waiting for the flight back to NYC.
Honestly, I'm itching to go back to class. It's weird to say, but not really all things considered. I just want to finish. The amount of idiocy I did is ridiculous and there's so much regret flowing through me, but I can't turn back time. If I could, I would change so many things, but that's just pointless to think about.
October 10th. That's the last day to apply for candidacy. A scary date, for sure. But what's more terrifying? The wait. God, you'd think with a 3.8 I'd relax, but I can't. I need to get into this program. It's desperation at this point. It gnaws at me and makes me want to curl into a ball and cry.
But I can't. I can't let myself panic and be overcome with that crippling anxiety again. I can do this. I know I can do this. But I'm so scared. It's to the point of tears. I can make all these plans about bachelors and maybe doing a dual bachelors/masters program somewhere, but I will never make it there unless I make it into the nursing program. The RN to BSN to a masters is the best course for me at this point. I need to become an RN.
In the back of my mind, there's still that dream: to wear one of those spancy cabin crew uniforms and journey through the world. It's still a dream I'm going to hold onto, but I at least need to get that RN first. Maybe even get the BSN and then go apply to one of those airlines. Of course, there's that fear again: maybe I'll be too old to work cabin crew at one of those top airlines. The age I am now is the perfect age they seem to hire their crew. But — no, I can't think about that.
This sort of shit thinking is what leads me to panicking in the first place.
I have to have faith. I have to believe in myself. I can do this. I know I can do this.