Friends
March 2021, Bangkok
In the Suttas (you’ll have to forgive me for not giving an exact citation this time), one of the Buddha’s disciples says something to the Buddha to the effect of, “Friends are a big part of the path.” The Buddha responds by correcting him, ‘They are the entirety of the path.’ The deeper I get into practice and the more I find others who are as interested in the same or similar things that I am, the more I understand what the Buddha meant by this.
In my own beginnings with Buddhist reading and practice, I was very much an outsider, a loner, which wasn’t all bad, as it helped me find and judge these teachings appropriately. Everyone has their own journey with Dhamma, but I can see value in both solitary practice as well as congregation with others. Finding the perfect balance between these two aspects is something that everyone has to find for themselves, but in general I think it is universally true that the longer and more earnestly you practice, the sooner you will find likeminded people who are on the same wavelength and have similar goals in mind. As a result, as fighters who train together say, ‘iron sharpens iron,’ your practice will inevitably strengthen and become more effective with continued contact with likeminded friends on the path.
The word metta, which commonly gets (mis)translated as ‘loving kindness’ derives from the Pali word mitta meaning ‘friend.’ One of the common endings in many of the Pali Suttas says something to the effect of ‘liberating your heart/mind through ‘loving kindness.’’ Now, as I’ve mentioned earlier, I wouldn’t necessarily use ‘loving kindness’ as a translation for metta because of all the misunderstanding that could take place. (The heart/mind distinction or lack thereof will have to wait for another writing as well). Something more like ‘friendliness’ or ‘having a benevolent heart’ is a more appropriate translation of metta, as it aligns more with the respect and trust that you feel for close friends that are engaged in a similar endeavor to you, and not so much a merely emotional compulsion that’s associated with ‘love.’ If you’ve ever gone on long mountain treks for weeks on end with close friends, you’ll know exactly the feeling I have in mind when I think of metta.
Once you know this feeling and know what thoughts or interactions generate it in you, try to study and observe its coming, staying, and going. In your meditation try to bring it up willfully as well, and study it in this setting—how it operates, what makes it last longer, what makes it go away, etc. What are its qualities? Learn as much as you can about it and try to learn to utilize it toward beneficial effects, internal and external. If you’re like most Westerners (myself very much included) it’s necessary to apply this feeling to yourself. Personally, I have a tendency of being a perfectionist and being very critical and hard on myself, which in some cases is a good quality to have, but occasionally it goes too far and can interrupt any valuable meditative development. Try to apply this ‘benevolent heart,’ these metta feelings to your own mental processes, as well as places in your body that may be stressed, aching, or generally uncomfortable, and see the difference it makes over an extended period of time. The effect will be much more pronounced if your abilities in concentration are ‘built to last,’ but it’s also not a bad idea to try and develop both abilities in tandem with one another if you’re a beginner. They will aid and complement one another in enduring for long stretches.
I take the phrase ‘liberate your heart through metta’ pretty literally, as it has real world implications for me at the moment. The most stressed or dense, clouded, difficult part of my body is around my heart area, and I think there are many reasons for this. The first might just be simply physical, because I tend to lean to my left side, and instinctually (or conditionally) lean on my left elbow whenever I’m at a table or desk. Although I try to be more conscious of this bad habit, over the long amount of time that I’ve done it, it has built up some stress over my heart area. On top of that, I used to have a strange anxiety disorder of some sort that I’ve since resolved (through Dhamma), and for whatever reason the tension from that seemed to reside in my chest area around my heart as well. Once my teacher told me to start focusing on my heart area during my meditation practice, I noticed a huge difference in my experience, and a lot of what was stored up in there began to ‘release,’ which is a very profound and overwhelming experience (in a good way). I’m still working on this area during most meditation sessions, and I see this as part of ‘liberating my heart.’ There is a link between the physical and the emotional experiences, and the better you understand how they work on each other, the better. The way I do this is to bring in this feeling of metta, this friendliness feeling onto my body, my heart, my mind, let it pervade and encompass me so that its power can work in undoing all the damage from the previous bouts of fear and anxiety that still reside in my body in an almost crystalized form. Although I don’t continue to generate those negative feelings as much, the lingering effects from the past still exist within the body and need to be dealt with in the proper way.
That is one of the reasons why it is advised to keep good company, and to be around people who you can fully respect, people you feel kinship with, whether is biological or metaphysical, as this metta feeling will generate naturally. You’ll start to know it when you feel it, and you’ll have an easier time generating it on command when you find it useful, which more than likely will eventually be all the time. It will be easier to liberate yourself with the use of this feeling in your practice if you are more prone to feel it frequently.
In addition, as far as friends on the path go, I’ve found that I’ve had a lot of meditative success in group settings. Having more people around harnessing the energy of their own meditation helps you get into the same groove or wavelength as all the others around you. There’s a different feeling and intensity to meditating in large groups, like those in a typical ‘retreat.’ Having all these other people around you with a long silence has an enforcing, pressurized effect that lets your mind resign more easily into the meditative mode, which, for me at least, is harder to do solo.
All that being said, I look forward to meeting more people on the same journey, no matter where they are along the path, and I look forward the conversations and inspirations that will be shared.