waywardcloud

Creativity

July 2020, Bangkok

It’s a very strange sensation to fully feel just how much has changed over the years internally. It’s a mix of different factors all together. First of all, it’s how much time has passed so seemingly quickly from a point in time where the personality was markedly different. Five years ago doesn’t feel like a full five years. Perhaps because it’s been the most stable five years in mental terms, even given the current circumstances with all its uncertainty. Secondly, it’s an unwillingness of internal forces to entertain old practices. For instance, creative writing was a huge part of my life. Almost all of my waking life was devoted to its practice, if not formally—like hours spent writing and editing—then it at least figured into taking notes on passing ideas all throughout the day. It was the bane of my existence for a few solid years, it was even the source of income for more than a year. And to think now that even though the ideas still flow, the motivation to express them is simply unwilling to comply. Motivation is concerned with other things nowadays. Every attempt to put something into a creative writing pursuit is met with an overwhelming sensation of just how much of a waste of time it is. Is it really worth it just to put another story into the world? Time could be better spent. Does it really help any internal processes at this point? They’re already heading in the right direction, without the unnecessary dangers inherent in the writing process. Dedicating the amount of time that used to go into creative writing into meditation instead has changed so much in a very profound way, on many different levels.

It’s very easy to see, at least on the personal level, that so much of what fueled creative writing all those years ago was ego cultivation. It’s hard to see a lot of the impulse to be creative these days as anything else, mainly because the trap is so easy to fall into given our cultural conditioning. It might be this inability to see any other basis for motivation from within that halts in its tracks any cultivation for desiring creative pursuits, but that could lie solely within personal subjectivity. It could also be that noticing how unskillful it is to get wrapped up in generating emotional material and feeding on it has caused a similar aversion. After all, most of our popular art forms aim right at emotional manipulation, especially movies, music, and literature.

The correct way to go about future endeavors into creative expression would have to fall under a sort of Buddhist justification; does it aim to get people onto the path, or help people along the path? That would have to be the criteria. That, however, might just be such an overwhelming restriction so as to smother any creative impulse. It could also be the perfect restriction that allows only the best ideas to work with to come forth. It’s a completely uncertain method that can only be tested through experience. Perhaps even the process under those guidelines is part of the path itself.

Cosmology Riffing

June 2020, Bangkok

In Hindu cosmology there is the cyclical nature of time divided into four yugas, all of differing length and quality. As personal expertise in this area isn’t great, the following are just speculations and ideas that came when reading.

Let’s just try to view this cosmology without our concept of time. Although the cycle of yugas is meant for us humans to understand ‘time,’ it could be that devas and various other celestial beings don’t view time as an incremental coming into fruition and passing. Just take for instance the extreme differences in point of view from the Western Progressivist view of time as a constant marching forward through history to who knows where, and this circular view of time. One is a straight line, the other is a circle. The former typically manifests a fear of death in the individual, while the latter, fear of rebirth and endless continuation in the cycle. So even within the human realm, the concepts and perspectives under ‘time’ aren’t uniform. How much more so outside the human realm?

In our current era, the Kali Yuga, it’s obvious that power, popularity, and typically wealth aren’t bestowed on the truly righteous. Because of the chaotic nature of things these days, there could be some anecdotal evidence to the contrary, but percentage-wise, I think you’d find a great majority of the people with major influence are the more reprehensible of our species. But this could just be a feature of our yuga, as countless myths speak of righteous kings, wheel-turning monarchs, and peaceful kingdoms. Granted, these could just be stories ordered for alteration by the kings themselves, but multiple passages from a variety of ancient of texts like the I-Ching, or the more recent Tao Te Ching and Ramayana, give sound advice on how to rule justly, and which type of person is characteristically the best type of ruler (according to most of these texts, it’s people who don’t necessarily want to rule). These same texts describe a shifting current, a degradation in the quality of rulers and a general degradation of lifestyle. One of the common refrains from people who were impressed by the Buddha was that he was uncovering a point of view, a teaching, a way of life from the distant past that had been covered up and forgotten for a very long time. Naturally, then, one could assume that the people in power, or the people with influence, in previous eras weren’t the same as the morally bankrupt, unmindful people responsible for aiding our degeneration.

So, getting back to the idea of viewing the cycle of yugas without our conceptions of time, try to think of this cycle as just that—a circle divided into four parts, as a relatively static form. Perhaps our current section of the yuga, the one we experience presently, is simply a counterpart, a shadow existence of a qualitatively better yuga. The image that came to me was similar to a mandala, or even the yin yang symbol, wherein one section is defined by its relation to another section of the whole image. It all has its place and its meaning toward the greater whole. Although our current yuga may feel utterly depressing, hopeless, and trending downward, it’s all to qualify the other yugas in comparison. The best we can do in this situation is to lead a life of inner and outer nobility—being an example to your self and others. If the image of the yin yang is used as a representative—we living in the dark part—we should strive to exist within the little dot of white surrounded completely by the darkness. We define ourselves (at least at first) as opposed to the overarching trend, the general flow toward deterioration our species lazily accepts or actively enacts. As Sakka (Indra) states in one of the Buddhist sutras, “‘Nonanger and harmlessness always dwell/Within [the hearts of] the noble ones.’” Keep your cool, and become the tiny white island to yourself amidst the darkness.

Back to Bangkok

June 2020, Bangkok

Got back into the city the previous week and immediately hit the ground running. It may have been overwhelming. Yesterday the exhaustion manifested to the conscious level. How does anyone actually work full time hours and have the semblance of a fulfilling life? Even further, how does anyone exist in this constant shuffle, this constant buzzing of electricity and traffic, and feel calm? Maybe it was the removal from this kind of life for those two or three months that highlighted the incompatibility of one who seeks a dhammic or natural life with one who lives in a city, at least in the stages where one is trying to align with the habits of dhamma. It’s no wonder Buddha loved living in the forests.

Before leaving the countryside, the teacher monk said to make sure the bad habits were kept in check and to be cleansed of the remaining personal blemishes before entering monkhood whenever the next opportunity arises. It’s so easy to slip into old habits, and it’s become apparent which seemingly innocuous habits were really bad habits in disguise, or, rather, were bad habits not fully faced. The obvious ones are women and food. Having been relatively isolated from women in the past three months or so, it wasn’t really an issue. Now, the scenario is back to how it’s always been. Then there’s all the garbage processed food at convenience stores and major international restaurant chains that have a mysterious addictive quality to them. After eating them there’s always some overwhelming regret and physical heaviness, but the impulse to go back to them a week or so later is just as overwhelming. Not to mention that for the price of one meal from these places, up to 6 meals at a local made to order, locally run restaurant could be had. The untrained mind is a nightmare.

Bike Crash

May 2020, Issan

A lot has happened in the past week. Tuesday a dog ran in front of my motorbike on the way to the temple and caused a crash. Some damage to the right side of my body—cuts and scrapes—and a small bump on the head, softened by a helmet. Upon standing up, the world was a bit foggy for a minute or so, but questions from the crowd that gathered, I could answer coherently, so, all in all, it wasn’t too bad. After getting bandaged at the local health center, the intention to go to the temple was still there. The head monk said that this sort of thing happens a lot to people who are about to ordain as monks. Problems or some other intimidating events manifesting prior to taking vows. Manifestations of Mara blocking the path.

On top of that a few days ago the monk that provided the ride out of Bangkok, with whom there is a long history, said that I could ordain at his temple. Now, despite having a close connection with this monk (he was a former host father, has continually helped during the last stint in Thailand, when he was a lay person), his reputation isn’t the best. He continually seems to be struggling with debts, made all the worse since monks shouldn’t be handling money. In fact, in the car on the way out of Bangkok he asked for a loan for 500,000 baht, which, given the predicament of needing to get out of Bangkok, and his helping, is absurd to assume was within my possession. Along with claiming that ordination was possible, he promised quick help with the visa process, that there would be a job teaching English at a monk’s university, a salary to go along with it, and, of course, high status within the community. Immediately, repugnance manifested within. But the current host father, who also thinks mostly about money, yet is still perpetually in debt, is pushing for this path. To be a monk, though, these things should not be concerns, and going into the monkhood with these as motivating factors, or even being factors that are mildly coveted, is a dangerous starting point, sure to end in disaster.

Luckily, upon running all this by the teacher, the head, solitary monk at the temple where I’ve been seeking ordination all this time, was in full agreement with the initial personal thoughts regarding this proposition. He has proven himself to be uncorrupted in this regard, and is possibly the only monk around who seems to be living in line with the rules of monasticism to the best of his ability. This is why he lives alone, and most monks don’t want to live under his strict rules at his temple. He also usually turns down requests from monks to stay with him, simply because they have bad habits. This is the kind of monk, though, that is personally inspiring, and one that will certainly prove to be the best teacher possible.

Then, yesterday a me, group of followers, and my teacher went to a head monk’s funeral in the next province. It was the first time experiencing a massive group of people since the pandemic started, roughly 10,000 to be specific. But after breaking off from the main group of lay followers, who wanted to enjoy the ceremony and free food, he suggested going outside of the massive crowd and finding a cool, shaded spot in the woods to sit and talk. It was a very good experience, as it’s known with even more certainty that he has a very similar disposition in regards to what he considers important in the life of dhamma. It is truly a blessing that the best path forward has come, and is within reach. Now it’s just a matter of being able to become ordained under him, when all of this lockdown stuff clears up.

Doldrum

May 2020, Issan

Life has entered a kind of doldrum state (again). In this small village elevated beyond all the 711s this is nothing new. Eight years ago these kinds of waves came and went, just like everything else in the universe does. A lot of it probably relates to uncertainty. The next few months could hold any number of scenarios. There could be an entrance into monkhood. There could be a return to Bangkok, a return to an ex girlfriend, and all the problems that would entail. There could be a return to America. With so many variables up in the air the mind can only seem to either relax until more information comes, or play out the future possibilities of each option via imagination. The situation is unique in the fact that the desires the mind wants to do have little to no effect on deciding what to do, which it had become accustomed to over the past couple of years. Desire, craving really is the source of suffering. The present scenario is what a habitual performance of desiring results in when it can no longer do what it wants.

The best thing to do at this point is what should have been done about a month ago upon entering this situation—pare things down, focus on essentials for the most noble path forward. Ultimately monkhood is the true desired result. Even though it all depends on a number of favorable variables coming into fruition in the short term, it’s an inevitable happening in the long. Getting distracted with other stuff in the meantime isn’t the solution, although it’s what has been happening. Every once in a while something will spur a sense of purpose, which in turn spur resolutions to change daily habits from the ground up, but not enough is being done in order to enact those plans. Not to get it completely twisted, there are still the basic, bare minimum habits and practices going on that would allow for future success in monkhood should the opportunity present itself even tomorrow, but the bare minimum shouldn’t be acceptable. It shows laziness and a lack of focus. It deforms the practice into a burden to carry, into something that is distracting from ‘real life,’ which is a complete inversion of the ultimate truth of it. The practice is more accurately the ultimate real life and ‘real life’ is the burden. This even registers during every meditation sitting, but the truth of it gets swept away from the weight of momentum in returning to every day life. This morning at the temple, the monk was speaking about Mara, the adversarial figure or element in the Buddha’s Pali cannon. It was a good Dhamma talk from the teacher during breakfast, his only meal for the day. It put a lot of things into perspective. He talked about how before he became a monk the troubles he had prior to his ordination regarding girlfriends, and other issues that the laity face. He said everyone has these obstacles to some degree prior to a declaration and enacting of it upon this path. This uncertainty and inability to know when ordination can take place is just a test from Mara, which is beneficial in accurately seeing the mettle within.

Restlessness

May 2020, Issan

In Buddhism there are a set of internal phenomena that distract one on the path for cultivating eventual enlightenment (after, of course, cultivating the many factors that lead to enlightenment.) These are called the Five Hindrances, and they are as follows:

1. Craving (which is split up into both desire as craving for something, and aversion as craving for respite. The important concept in understanding this is an attachment to feelings whether it be pleasure or fear.)

2. Ill Will (or, in other words, anger that has gone beyond the limit of mere annoyances and now entertains and fuels thoughts of hoping for bad consequences for someone or something.)

3. Sloth (allowing fatigue or laziness to influence habits or actions)

4. Restlessness (inability to sit still because of worries or whatever else.)

5. Doubt (lacking faith that the practices are beneficial).

These hindrances usually work together to bombard a person, and noticing them is merely the first step of dealing with them. Personally, the one struggled with most at this moment is Restlessness.

After consulting the I-Ching again, one of the line changes read as follows:

“Restlessness as an enduring condition brings misfortune. There are people who live in a state of perpetual hurry without ever attaining inner composure. Restlessness not only prevents thoroughness but actually becomes a danger if it is dominant in places of authority.”

This acted as a sort of wake up call or a call to action. The question posed to the I-Ching had to do with acting correctly under future circumstances, and this quote was the main takeaway. For a while now there has been a slight awareness of the restlessness pervading the daily sittings, but it never gets beyond that point, and as a result, the tendency gets worse. Shuffling about, allowing discomfort to take control of the body and scratch, move, slacken, etc. Simply noticing at this point isn’t doing enough to fight it off. In fact, the lack of action and determination about it is resulting in the problem becoming gradually worse. When a time like this is available with literally nothing to do and nothing to be done, a focus should be emphasized on working with this restlessness, as to allow it to continue its cultivation could entail danger in future decision making. It will only mutate into a habit harder to deal with.

An uncomposed mind, or a mind with an inability to get deep into calm and composure cannot make sound decisions. When this virus pandemic broke out and quick decisions had to be made, some sloppy actions were done that could have been disastrous. Luckily things so far have worked out alright, but in the future, this lack of clarity cannot continue to detract from clear and quick decision making. Part of the problem is a direct result of using too much technology. The constant scouring of the internet on the numerous platforms conditions one’s mind to crave that constant stimulus, that constant shuffling, so much so that when the time comes to calm down, there is an ingrained habit in the body still wanting the next exciting thing to focus on or react to. This entire process to habituate the mind away from technology is going to be incredibly tough, and maybe it can’t go into full swing until entering monkhood. Until that time, though, an effort needs to be made to disallow the body to move so much during designated sitting times.

The conditioning of the mind and body away from restlessness will in turn develop capabilities in intuition. When problems arise that require immediate decision making and action, a mind practiced in composure will more often than not make better decisions than one practiced in jitteriness and reacting unskilfully to every uncomfortable sensation arising from the body and mind. So far, with this focus and goal in mind before every sitting session, the meditation has gone much better. That however is only the beginning. Maintaining that focus should not be slackened with some mild success. If anything, the work has only begun.

Initiation

May 2020, Issan

René Guénon in The Reign of Quantity & the Signs of the Times has the following to say about initiation:

“Initiation has in fact as its objective the surpassing of the possibilities of the human individual as such, but it is no less true that it can only take that individual such as he is as starting-point, and then only by taking hold as it were of his superior side, that, is by attaching itself to whatever in him is most truly qualitative; hence the diversity of initiatic paths, in other words, of the means made use of as ‘supports’ in order to conform to the differences of individual natures; these differences become, however, of less importance as time goes on, in proportion as the being advances on its path and thus approaches the end which is the same for all. The means employed cannot be effective unless they really fit the very nature of the being to whom they are applied; and since it is necessary to work from what is more accessible toward what is less so, from the exterior toward the interior, it is normal to choose them from within the activity by which its nature is manifested outwardly. But it is obvious that this activity cannot be used in any such way except insofar as it effectively expresses the interior nature; thus the question really becomes one of ‘qualification’ in the initiatic sense of the word; and in normal conditions, the very same ‘qualification’ ought to be a requirement for the practice of the craft itself. All this is also connected with the fundamental difference that separates initiatic teaching, and more generally all traditional teaching, from profane teaching. That which is simply ‘learned’ from the outside is quite valueless in the former case, however great may be the quantity of the notions accumulated (for here too profane ‘learning’ shows clearly the mark of quantity); what counts is, on the contrary, an ‘awakening’ of the latent possibilities that the being carries in itself …”

Now there will be an application of this to personal experiences with Buddhism.

The first time becoming a monk was fraught with tons of inadequacy, ineptitude, and just full blown ignorance. It was as much of a failure as anything could be. The only stance of judging such an experience comes from my personal and internal standards, and failure is the final verdict. Having lived in Thailand a full year before being initiated, only the popular (or as Guénon would say, the exoteric) forms of the religion seemed to seep in and run wild in their abstraction with the already ingrained American habits. The shock came at the actual, practical, every day life of a monk, once having become one, and the lack of serious preparation for living that lifestyle was evident. Hence, personally, there was no sense of ‘quality,’ or a ‘superior side’ to connect with the tradition of Thai Forest Buddhism. Despite reading books on Ajahn Mun and other highly regarded saints in this region, there was no experience of actually practicing Buddhism. There was nothing personal to connect to the tradition. Instead there were only on-the-surface facts gathered. More time in those days was spent trying to accumulate pieces of knowledge in order to build up an ego to show everyone just how smart it could become. This, it is easy to see now, was the unfortunate primary drive in every aspect of my life in those days. Nevertheless, as long as one takes these types of difficult experiences as something to learn from, they are beneficial. Truth, harsh reality wound up striking a devastating wound to the ego and its abilities to spin believable abstractions, and what Buddhism truly is—a practice, not simply beliefs—eventually came through, years later.

Meditation is really the crux here. Buddhism is multifaceted. There are many practices and arts to living that should manifest from an adherence to and cultivation of dhamma. But personally, daily meditation is essential to Buddhist practice. It is the ‘craft,’ the expression, the primary means to attaining the goals of the eightfold path. At the hardest and most confusing moments in my life the desire to meditate has been there, even though it wasn’t always enacted or put under a compassionate discipline. Currently, it’s a discipline, an ingrained habit. The reason for this is karmic. There has been something cultivated over a long period of time to respond positively with meditation and to come into symbiosis with it, no matter how many perils it has faced in personal experience getting to this point (and it has faced a shitload). Despite this being the case, I still believed that, despite all the practice, things are still at an exoteric state. The ‘qualification’ for being initiated is there as a starting point. It is no longer hidden by a miasma of abstractions and bad living patterns. However, as initiation cannot happen again until this virus pandemic passes, the opportunity for the tradition to fully engulf this being (me) and shape it toward complete transcendence, cannot happen. But at least the preparation for it is there. At least the path has cleared for the living ‘essence,’ the internal ‘quality’ (however dim it still may be) to connect with the living tradition and be allowed to awaken the latent qualities still lying dormant.

Rebound

April 2020, Issan

The rebound after living at the temple, under the 10 precepts (which includes no consumption of entertainment), has been rough since leaving and living in a somewhat normal quarantine. As expected, the first few days were pure mindless indulgence in entertainment. Good to purge in one full swoop, though. Because coming off that rebound, is another rebound, one in which study, introspection, creativity, are sprouting back to the surface. They are welcome impulses, as there are always fears of sinking and getting ensnared into the artificial ether of technology’s glowing lights.

While at the temple some past habits began forming again, ones that always seem to be associated with living in this very rural, backwater part of the country. Even when coming back to this host family’s house, the old potencies and forms of action seem to be pushing toward patterns established the last time living here, 8 years ago. The first time living here involved working intensely on a novel, one that was never published because of being overworked. It got to the point where it warped beyond anything related to its initial foundation. But a lot of introspective learning went on in this process, perhaps even some channeling. Not to get too far off the rails (although that inevitably happens, as this mind just loves a good tangent, it seems), but the things that wound up manifesting in that novel’s plot and themes foreshadowed events that would happen two years later in the world. While watching those things manifest in the real world there was a conscious acknowledgement of it, and a slight sort of awe, but there’s also some sort of protective measure to make sure that there isn’t so much focus on the weight of it, because the implications of it just seem to be too much to register. Either that, or there’s just a full acceptance of some esoteric truths, and it’s just not that interesting to continue thinking about. Who knows?

All this is a long and meandering way of saying that coffee and cigarettes have creeped back in to become entertainment, as they spur parts of the mind that don’t get activated much anymore in such an erratic way. The long and dramatic history of this body/mind and coffee is quite possibly the great epic of my life. Like a beautiful woman coercing volatile habits of this body, there is an inevitability of going back into its clutches, only to be broken down, and swearing it off again and again. Seeing as actual women don’t seem to as much of a grip on manipulating me anymore, the resultant lack of emotional stimulation has a void needing filled, and coffee and nicotine provide that drama. An extreme sensitivity to caffeine makes every consumption an adventure of ups and downs with the morning going from absolute despair and worry from waking, to focus and elation after the first sip, followed by an afternoon and evening of depression and dependence, searching for more caffeine just to pick the mood back up.

It’s a very strange zone to be living in at the moment. This habitat is a familiar one, one exclusively concerned with the past, having cultivated a certain energy here that allows a falling back into its grooves. At the same time, given the current pandemic, the future is completely uncertain. With every fiber of my being I tried entering monkhood, but it’s just not possible until this all ends. I’m being blocked at every avenue. The mind has grown accustomed to planning things out and following a schedule, but with no schedule to follow, and no certainty of the future, it has to deal with this new mode of operation, which is more in tune with ultimate reality. It’s a good lesson in adapting without complaining too much. That desire that has taken so long to build up to enter monkhood should not be left to die. I want to keep its potency. The discipline of daily meditation luckily has not dropped through all of this. As long as that stays strong, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Out of the Temple

Early April, 2020, Issan

With the current attempts at entering the sangha in a standstill until the pandemic passes, my mindset for living as a monk can’t seem to maintain itself in so much uncertainty, especially with visa concerns while living in a foreign country. The inability at entering a nearby country to make the visa at the embassy makes things all the more impossible in the current situation.

Fifteen days were spent at the temple. On the last day an old host family came to make merit and then proposed an invitation to stay at their place until everything passes. So, of course, things have become considerably more comfortable. No more sweating through the night without a fan, no more worries about mosquitos relentlessly tearing at my joints, and, perhaps biggest of all, access to not only wifi, but stable electricity. At the temple, every other night, the monk would turn on a generator so he could build his main hall into the late hours of the evening. He’s maybe the most inspiring monk I’ve ever met. It will be a blessing to ordain under him.

That probably won’t be happening for a few months, though. Hopefully before the rains retreat, as rains retreats, or pansaa, is the marker for how many years one has been a monk, and it would be nice to start during a good time when the monk has the opportunity to teach a lot during a concentrated three month period where he doesn’t leave the temple.

For the first time in almost three weeks my stress levels have noticeably declined. Life has returned to a somewhat comfortable setting, which is neither good nor bad. It’s just a different experience than the state of worry and uncertainty experienced previously. This is a time, however, that should be used to continue cultivating the practice, not getting too slack and falling back into nasty old habits. Meditation shouldn’t get too slack, and an emphasis on keeping the right mindset is essential.

One Week In

Late March, 2020, Issan

After a week quarantined at the temple, the difficulties start to arise and uncertainty continues to linger. With all the time alone there’s plenty of time for meditation practice, which is being done, and time to memorize chants for initiation. Amidst all this, strong emotions that have been laying dormant or that have routinely gotten their fix from the modern world are now creating an internal storm. The biggest takeaway, or revelation, is that my intentions for going into monkhood are based on anger and hatred. Hatred of the modern world and the people satisfied with it, and with the aspects of my own personal character that also seems to be satisfied with it and still crave it during this time in the temple. Hatred and anger are not good things at all to base a Buddhist path on because in order to progress on this path, one needs to extinguish those feelings quickly. Once they’re gone, the foundation, the original intention is gone. Throughout my entire life it’s been difficult to feel love, that is, to reciprocate it to someone else. Maybe my intention should be to solve this problem first before attempting to enter monkhood, that way there is a positive motivation instead of this negative one. But uncertainty still looms.

With the govenrment here still unsure how they will handle the foreigners stuck here whose visas are running up, it makes matters all the more difficult. Also, the monk that would act as preceptor in the ordination into monkhood here has possibly become infected with the virus, making it impossible to hold an ordination ceremony any time soon. It’s a good thing getting out of the city last week, but it seems that the goal of entering straight into monkhood will not be happening after all. At least not now. Until then, it looks like this is a good experience to live the monk life without the full commitment yet. But for when it actually is time, there will be a little bit more recent experience advising what to expect.