my thots aha ha

sum different

Sad music is so good, I forgot how much I loved it. I'm doing better with not being tempted to text you. I know there's someone else now, and that's okay. You deserve better than me. You do you, and I'll do me. Take care, big head.

You said that I'm dead to you, but in all honesty I didn't want to be. I loved you as best as I could. I'm not sick. I'll never get an explanation, and I'm not owed one! But why say that on social media? That's not growth. You say that you're better than me, but you're not. That's immature of you, and I'm glad I'm not you.

I've become so overwhelmed by thinking what my future will be. Being patient isn't something I'm good at. Why does everything take time? Why can't I skip to the end? Why can't I have my own place already? Why can't I say no to the people I care about? Why can't you be mine already? Why am I like this? I need help. I am the only one that can help myself, I get that. I need to get back in tune with myself. I need to become the person I see myself being. I need to be selfish. I will to be happy. I will be whole. I will live in prosperity. I will be mentally stable. I will.

I have a bad habit of racing someone every time I drive on the highway. I feel as if I might die in a car accident, although I've never been in one. I'm grateful that I'm still here, but I don't think I will be much longer. I'm not suicidal, please don't think that. I love you.

I wrote this back in 2016, and I thought I'd post it on here.

From the day we first met I felt like a huge hypocrite. I told myself I couldn't be more than friends with you, it would ruin our friendship. I knew I was in love, and you were someone I didn't want to lose. You were all I saw. All I wanted. You were my muse. Every conversation we had put me more in a daze. Every interest you had became my own. By the time I knew it, I was in an endless maze. It's about a year later, and I'm still amazed. All I can do now is write a lame poem. You may have no clue, but I prefer it this way.

I need to stop messaging you, and give myself some space. Everything happens for a reason, and this shows me that we aren’t going to happen. Why am I so stubborn?

Our connection was short lived. Everything is out of my control, and I understand that. You will be in my life again. I'll be ready for that day. I hope you think about me.

I am learning how to control my emotions a little better. I am trying to learn not to be irrational, and negative. For some reason I feel lighter, but at the same time I do have my little thoughts about her and us. How we used to be in the beginning. It's so sad that we grew apart the way we did. It wasn't meant to be though, and I accept that. She was another lesson learned, and I don't regret anything. When I think of my future, I envision myself living with Saige and being happy with how I am living my life. The way I want to live it. The way I want to decorate my home. The shows and movies that I want to watch. Playing video games whenever I want, and not feeling like I need to give attention to someone I wasn't in love with anymore. Giving myself 100% of my love. I am not giving into the negativity anymore.

Here I Am There is no more pain when I think of you. How did I manage to do this? Everyday got easier, and my heart healed itself faster than I thought it would. Did I really love you? Our memories are what remain, and I'm fine with that. I am better off without you, I don't need you as much as I thought I did. I am doing this for me.

This pain is by far the worst I've ever felt. I'm so close to the edge, I could just jump off.