What I Learned Today 😒

So I’m in a coffee shop. Again. Staring at the screen when I promised myself I’d be doing some badass “marketing” today. Again. Counting down the minutes until I’ve worked an acceptable workday. Again.

I fucking hate writing.

It seriously feels like punishment. It’s like extracting a molar every time I try to put intelligent words on the page. My brain shuts off. I don’t even know if there’s thoughts in there to get out.

Oh, how I wish I could just yell, “Buy shit!” and it would all be over.

I’ve been a visual artist my whole life. In past businesses I had a partner that was the marketing heavyweight. No more.

I never expected marketing to be easy but I never imagined it would actually get harder.

Today, however, I realized something that put me at ease: it never gets easier.

This isn’t the first time. When I first started going to the gym it was the same way. It sucked. Every single freakin’ day it sucked. The months ticked by. I suck with it, because I was positive it would get easier and that I would start enjoying it. It never happened.

...until I changed my expectations.

The problem wasn’t the gym, that the workouts were hard, or any of that. The problem was I introduced a false expectation to my sub-conscious: that it would get easier.

Only when reality and the expectation don’t mesh, is when mental anguish ensues.

The second I was honest with myself the gym became awesome. Yes, it still sucks to go, but I walk in there every day knowing it will suck. But that’s a good thing. It causes a great welling-up of the warrior in me. I go in there ready for a fight and ready for pain, not unicorns and bunny rabbits.

I cause a scene, I sweat, I hurl. And I feel like a fucking champion.

What I learned today is that this god-forsaken writing business won’t get any easier either. And I’m okay with that.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to war now.

I’ve just emerged from the most horrific business failure I’ve ever experienced. And, believe me, they have been many. I’m in a place between disgust, fear, hope, and violent rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

While the last 18 months have been a complete nightmare, I’ve never learned and grown so much in my life. I feel as though I’ve learned something valuable every. single. day.

So valuable, no university in the world could teach it. So I’ll share it all here.

These words are vomit. No proofreading, no nit-picking, no perfectionism. (Huge change from how I normally exist.) Expect a lot of f-bombs and spilling of guts.

For now I’ll write anonymously, because I don’t want to be afraid of anything I say or hold back the truth in any way. But, I assure you, I’m a real person and every story I tell really happened.

Business isn’t pretty. It’s war.

Entrepreneurship is a dream come true, but if you’re not willing to bust not only your ass, but every little speck of peach fuzz on it, don’t be surprised if you end up where I am now.

Hopefully this is the first of many stories of my rise from the ashes.