What I Learned Today 😒

Today I learned that the world hates those who take shortcuts. Well, maybe not hates, but the world does and will continue to punish you. (And when I say “you” I don't mean you, Dear Reader. I mean theeemmmmmm!)

I may have been a little harsh when I lambasted some well-meaning, cutie pie San Francisco spammers the other day. I feel the need to write more on the subject. 'Cause, you know...this is where I vent.

First, a little back story. There's a unique email I use for each social media platform. Nobody has this email, save one or two people and I never use it to send messages. It's only there so legitimate business inquiries can get in touch.

Why did I do this? Because I know you slimy-ass, cheatin'-ass marketers can't keep it in your pants. And, of course, I've been proven correct.

So, this time, I'm going to name names because I need to address these “companies” and their practices specifically.

So let's move on to Exhibit A: Plum Organics. Awww...what a cute ass name for a...wait. What the fuck to these guys even make? Or do?

The email says “At Plum Organics, we're #TeamParent, and we think you deserve to have a little fun, too.”

Awww...thanks, Plum! You're right! I do deserve to have a little fun. So nice. What is it that you do? Do you make organic plums? Those could be fun, I guess.

So I read on, because these f'ers, I mean “fun lovers” have defiled my inbox and forced me to waste eyeball muscles and computing power, brain and electronic, to pay attention to their “fun”.

Bring it on! Let's have some “fun”, dammit!

They continue: “Joining the community means you'll complete personalized activities and earn the chance to unlock super cool prizes for your family. And who doesn't love prizes?”

I fuckin' love prizes, Plummie! Anyone who doesn't love prizes is a filthy commie!

So, you're a “community”, then? And you're asking me to “complete personalized activities” to win these earth-shatteringly fun prizes? You're not selling anything?

If that's your final answer, I have a quick question for you. Why the FUCK are you emailing me? I am a hairy-ass 37-year-old dude in dirty boxer shorts, working on my laptop with a Scotch in one hand and scratching myself with the other!

Plummie, right now go and find whoever does your targeting, because I'm sure they're expensive, and fire them immediately! Then, you need to inform them that you'd like a refund on whatever emails they've delivered illegally to people who don't give a shit about “fun”!

Wait! Who emailed me anyway? Let's take a closer look, shall we? The email is from plumorganics@mavrck.co . Well, who the heck are these mavrck.co people delivering your emails, Plummie? And, how the hell do you pronounce that anyway? Maaav-irk? I have no idea, but they got the “irk” part right.

Upon further inspection, it appears that Mavrck is...oh, lookie here...an INFLUENCER MARKETING PLATFORM! who specializes in “Identifying and Activating Micro-Influencers”. Oh, I'm activated all right. Not in the way you were thinking, however, Mav-irk.

I'm flattered that you believe me to be a “micro-influencer” of “fun”, Mav-irk, but sadly, it's not the case.

The only fun I'm going to be having is watching your sorry asses flushed down the toilet of “micro-influencer” apps when this whole influencer bubble blows sky-high.

So, do the right thing, Mav-irk...give Plummie their money back. And then go do something meaningful with your lives.

Love, Your Activated Micro-Influencer

P.S. May your emails forever be undeliverable.