November 5th, 2021, at approximately 2:30pm...
…was a year ago today.
I reached the end of my tolerance.
My desire to be a good friend couldn’t stand any more against the pain and fear and constant dread.
TheHedgehog messaged me to tell me how once again I’d been a horrible disappointment to them as a friend.
And… I was done. I just could not any more.
And I committed an unforgivable sin. I stood up for myself. I set a boundary. It wasn’t allowed. I wasn’t allowed boundaries.
It’s been hard. I know it’s been hard for all of us. Not just the three of us, but for everyone involved.
I had hoped this blog would be therapeutic for me, but eventually I became afraid to post on it, for fear of reprisals. I know trouble can roil back up at any time. Just the other day I posted something on twitter about how I realized I wasn’t safe in the game we played together because I misunderstood how ‘unfriending’ worked and TheBadger responded by making a point of letting me know that I wasn’t.
I’d hoped that maybe someone who needed help would find this blog. And maybe some of the early posts helped them. I know that finding other people who have broken away from narcissistic relationships and finding how incredibly similar our stories are is helpful to me.
Just a few nights ago, a year after things broke off, a close friend and I talked late into the night, rehashing things and realizing that we’re honestly not even close to being over it.
I don’t know how much I’ll post on here again. As I said, I fear for reprisals and honestly, all I want is peace.
But I wanted to mark the one year point because it was such a huge moment. I’m not celebrating. But I am remembering. Because it was a moment of change. Whatever happens, I’m not going back to who I was.
If you are being hurt in your relationship, get help. I was surprised, and grateful, by how many people were just waiting for me to reach out for help. There was a safety net waiting for me. It had been there for a long time, I just didn’t know it. If you need help, it may already be there. Reach for it. Don’t live with pain and fear and doubt another moment.
I am .Worthy, Deserving, Enough I have .Value I deserve .Respect, Kindness I am .Worth as much as a cat I am .Amity