write.as? Hah, more like write.ass

This site committed suicide on July 9th 2019 - R.I.P.


I won't be using this site any more. Still waiting for Matt (the owner of this site) to get around to issuing me a refund seeing as this structure change is entirely against my personal reasons for paying and wanting to support this service in the meantime. After the recent change and giving the middle finger to anyone who registers after 1st August (we didn't even get 1 month of notice you jackass) who could rightfully support the owner of write.as?

Also I've been removed from read.write.as which is sad because I thought this was a site for free speech but apparently only cringeworthy diary entries, bot posts, singular images and copypasting content from other sites is allowed on read.write.as. Because you're certainly not allowed to post any quality content there.

So. Seeing as this space for writing has utterly nose-dived in usefulness from these two changes (sub and removal from public) I'll be discarding my membership like the literal trash it's now become.

For those who find this page even after it's been removed from public. I recommend the following blog and writing services tremendously:

Calmlywriter – A beautiful writing experience that allows you to sync and auto-save writing into Google Drive. Everything is consistently backed up and it's free and it already has more features than this garbage site does. The only difference is that you don't have an online space to store posts, but they are instead saved to sharable (from Google Drive) documents in either .docx, .txt/.md or .htm

Svbtle – Most certainly where I will be moving my blog to now. This site is built to try and encourage consistent writing. You get SSL, domain mapping and dozens of other features. It's the same price as what write.as will be (minimum) after 1st August 2019, which is $6/month. Svbtle also says that they guarantee that anything you post on their service will remain on the internet forever, even if you stop paying for the service.

Ghost – The platform that absolutely annihilated Wordpress. It's fast, absolutely choc-full of features and it's easy to start to use. You can do practically anything with Ghost, anything. There are also dozens of add-ons for additional functionality and some absolutely incredible themes but I like the default one the most. You can either build and host your Ghost blog yourself for absolutely no cost, or pay a small fee to have a hosting provider host it.


Any and all of these services I would recommend over this website.

Good riddance Write.ass!

I just wanted to make a quick (wew) post about how stupid the restructuring greed move from the owner (Matt) of write.as is, and why forcing users to pay $6/month minimum to do basically anything on this platform, and only throwing in 2 extra blogs (in addition to the one they get now for $6 bucks at current) – shows a total obliviousness to current blogging culture.

Here's my reply to this stupid change by the lead developer and owner of write.as:

The Casual plan, by many measures, has been a success — just not as much as we would've liked to see.

Not that your problem is appeal at all, make it even more appealing then. A lack of appeal for the $1/month option isn't your problem.

Your problem is that I had to search fucking high and low to even find the write.as service.

Other services like Svbtle, Medium, Ghost, Wordpress etc. are mentioned everywhere. You can't write the word “blog” without one of these services popping up. You need to spend some of that money you're making on subscriptions on advertising and promotion. Go do some interviews, show your face a bit on Youtube, push your service. Maybe take some initiative on your utterly useless mobile apps and also consider optimising your tags and SEO.




While we could spend many more months tweaking things

What you mean like actually developing a service worth paying for and taking feedback into consideration (aka asking your users who actually pay via some kind of poll before you make a stupid decision like this)? You know like what people do when they actually want a business venture to work.

I (Matt, btw) see a return to smaller communities as the future of the web. This thought has been bubbling underneath the surface for me since I joined a community called tilde.town

Matt, no offense buddy but this is irrelevant bullshit and no one cares what you think is the future of the net. The future of the net is mass surveillance and decentralised networking (and that's not up for discussion). Not a fucking ASCII community. Okay? Save the fangirling for posting on your own anonymous write.as blog mate. You show nothing but a complete lack of awareness for blogging culture. Allow me to explain.

Most people are lazy fucks and they can't even be counted on to write once a week in a blog. That actually takes a little thing called 'effort' which in the world of Netflix and Youtube autoplay, it's actual “work” to some people.

What you should be focusing on is making your service appealing and efficient enough that people are encouraged to write a LOT and often. Look at Svbtle for example. It's designed to get people to write consistently. To start a lot of stories and articles and finish them when the time is right. I can't even save a fucking draft on your site Matt!

Edit: Reading my posts I see? why did it take 4 years to make that post? You could at least make it more obvious that it's basically a draft.

Unless I write an anonymous post and then every so often work on it before making it public, besides you have to pay for public posting and it's not even immediately certain/obvious that if you work on an anonymous post to eventually make it public, will it still be pushed to read.write.as when it's made public? There's a total lack of clear workflow here mate. I've been on write.ass for just over a month and already outgrown your service.

I'll say again. Make something that encourages people to write. An anonymous throwaway blog is fine, but offering people 3 blogs for the minimum price of $6 is absolutely fucking stupid. People can't even be counted on to write consistently in ONE blog. No one needs THREE blogs.

Even the Fediverse isn't really catching on like it could be. So we won't see mass decentralised social networking and blogging platforms for a long time. Focus on creating a good service, make it modular if you have to, with additional perks for small cost purchases. Like I said, no one needs 3 fucking blogs, but I'm sure plenty of people would be okay paying a few extra bucks a month to use snap.ass. Why not be the first modular 'build-your-plan' blogging service? Heck maybe I should just make one instead and take all your users. I should add that to my to-do list.

Going forward, Write.as will become more of a purely paid WriteFreely instance (more on this below).

Congratulations on killing your entire service dumbass. * facepalm *

We'll accomplish this with new services, from the business-oriented Write.as for Teams

No one needs this. Teams don't need a barebones blogging platform with no rich text and no drafts... Ghost beats you here. Medium (which sucks for writers) even beats you... Why is it that everyone thinks it's a good idea to jump on the “Oh we need to scale what was developed as a personal service/platform and scale it for teams of people”. Mr. “I foresee small communities being teh future of the webz” wants to scale up to enterprise level? WHICH IS IT MATT?

New free users will also see some changes. Unregistered, anonymous users will be able to continue posting as much as they want — the same goes for existing free, registered users. But users who create an account on August 1 or later will see new limits, likely in the form of a maximum number of posts they're afforded. With those limits, we might also bring some Pro features into the free tier, to make it more of a true “trial.”

So fuck everyone unlucky enough to make an account after August 1st?

Didn't you literally just say right at the top that you wouldn't be spending more time messing around adding more limitations and asking people to fucking pay for write.ass? So which is it Matt? Are you going to cripple your platform because you've decided that $6/month is the magic number you want from each of your users. Or are you going to do the write thing and dismantle a great service that people actually use, and rebuild as a BYO (build-your-own) and offer services that people need at a competitive price and not bundle together shit that they don't want?

I'll do some more work for you:

  • Starter Plan: $2/month (holy shit it's still a 100% price increase), your own blog blahblah, 100,000 character limit, RSS AND email sub (don't be a dick, these should come standard with the starter) and markdown.


  • $1/month for static pages
  • $1/month for SSL

I'd personally stop here because I don't need snap.ass or anything else

  • $1/month for private posts and password protected option (you gotta bundle that shiz)
  • $2/month for snap.ass
  • $2/month for CSS and javascript support

Matt, Matt, Matt! We're already at $9 a month homie! That's a whole $3 more than your Pro service, and it's way more appealing than your ridiculously overpriced Support service which let's face it, no one has bought. Sign me the FUCK up for the first three dude!

Throw in deep visitor statistics for like $3 a month and stop charging for the Linux app. It's shit. Charging for software that runs on a fucking FREE operating system is like charging people for salt on french fries.

BUT I'M NOT DONE YET! additional blogs (for those who really need them) $3/month with all of the add-ons included. WSDFHDJKSTHKKFF!!! Dude imagine the #VALUE! Imagine how much beard oil you can buy with all the money you'll be getting?

On a final note, we'll be looking to put together a group of trusted WriteFreely instances we can refer users to.

Why should anyone trust what you say is trusted? I make my own decisions on what to trust, as to anyone else who is really about their privacy.

(P.S., if you like what we're doing and want to help us move forward, we're hiring!)

What if I liked (past-tense) what you were doing? Is this a good time to tell you that I've actually worked a couple years in consulting and the last company I roasted offered me a job? Consider this some free professional advice. It's beautiful irony when you can write a blog roasting the owner of the service you're using.

*P.S. If .ass ever becomes a legitimate tld, baby you know that matt.ass has got my name on it and I'm gonna have it set to permanently redirect to your blog.*

EDIT: BREAKING NEWS! write.as CASUAL $1/month PLANS TO BE DISCONTINUED! I CALLED IT!!! Mind you some of what I said below may not matter (aka, everything I said about this site being affordable now that they will remove casual plans and the minimum site cost will be $6/month). This means that Svbtle is the absolute clear winner here as for the same price it offers WAY more than write.as does. Now on to the post I wrote as a draft before the site owner mentioned today they will remove the casual subscription option in August 2019.

I'll list alternative blog hosting sites below

This was brought to my attention by another user of this platform on Sunday night. This website is abandonware. To the uninitiated, it means it is no longer maintained or developed. Website updates ceased back in Oct last year. Even worse there has been no development on the mobile apps in over FOUR (4) years! You can't even use it to post to your own blog, only anonymously which is useless for those of us who paid.

Honestly I find this unacceptable. Like many I paid a subscription fee for my account. Money I paid to support development and features I expected, money I won't get back.

Anyone checking read.write.as should be able to see plainly that there's only roughly 12 new public posts a day. This is a mere fraction of what other platforms get (some of which I will list below). Sure I'm not expecting this site to be as busy as Facebook, but the speed of development is non-existent.

Even more surprising is the fact that the owner does drop in from time to time (roughly once a month) on the forums and answer questions and discuss future features. Though they never come. This is not what I consider development, or working on features and is thus not worthy of my money.

Why have 4 years gone by of the owner of this service taking subscriptions but the mobile apps haven't seen a shred of development? They haven't outsourced or even remotely touched, or made them open source so at least someone else could pick up the torch to develop them. Mostly I just see the site's owner writing very short posts to help people who can't figure out the site's basic functions.

I also haven't got a reply from hello@write.as when I emailed them over 1 month ago. The contact page says that it might take a few days but they will pretty much guarantee a reply. Where is my reply then?

So that makes:

  • A website with barebones features and no rich text editor that makes you rely on markdown
  • You can't even save a fucking draft post here...
  • No updates to the site's features in years
  • Linux application for posting must be paid for and it has less features than the website...
  • Mobile apps that haven't been updated in 3 years and 8 months!
  • No reply to emails sent to the site's contact address

What the actual fuck is the webmaster's priorities?! Helping boomers on the forums it seems.

The only question left to answer is what will I do now that I've realised this service is basically abandoned?

Well, I'll be moving my posts to another platform. I'm not sure where to exactly. Despite this service being abandoned, a clean, anonymous blogging platform with plans starting at only $1 a month is kinda rare to come by. Even though cheap options exist that doesn't mean I don't feel ripped off for buying into something that's clearly not remotely a priority for the owner.

Alternatives are:

  • Svbtle – Probably the most appealing option I've seen, priced at $6 a month with only 1 all inclusive plan available. This offering looks like a far better option than write.as' $6 a month offering. Svbtle supports markdown, has some rich text and most importantly it supports making drafts. A feature I still can't fucking believe write.as doesn't have... The fact I have to work on long posts in an off-line document or elsewhere before publishing here is ridiculous. The only downside is the monthly price and you're only given a pathetic $2 discount if you pay for a yearly subscription...

  • Ghost – Very similar to write.as and what I would say write.as would be if I couldn't tell them both apart. Ghost is a powerful platform with lightning speed and pretty low resource requirements. Unfortunately the paid hosting options aren't cheap, especially if you go via the official site which is so ridiculously overpriced. Self-hosted is an option and one I'll definitely consider especially as the new Raspberry Pi 4 was just released a few weeks ago. I used to host my own Ghost blog but I just got lazy in maintaining it. Might be time to give it another shot.

  • Medium – It's one of the most platforms but when they changed their business model “because greed” and made people pay to read some articles their users left in droves. They've never redeemed themselves either. Still the reading experience is nice.

  • 280daily – Pretty barebones and really meant to be used for diary writing. Posts are limited to 280 characters but you can boost this amount once a week or something. Not remotely enough for me and normally I wouldn't even mention it but most people on this site don't seem to write more than that and generally use this site as a private (read: public) diary. So I figured mentioning it for others.

  • WordPress(.org of course) – WordPress is an option. Just kidding! The free self-hosted offering is a total bitch to set up and the environment (OS) is a total resource hog that constantly fails even on good hardware. It's been completely outmoded by Ghost. In addition to that the themes suck and people haven't been developing for it for a long time. WordPress was once valued very highly but it's basically as irrelevant as Web 1.0 is today. The paid hosting option they have is a total rip-off and it's not remotely private.

Having said all this. This will almost certainly be my last post on this site. I've paid for the domain so I'll probably leave it mapped here and I've also paid for this blog so I'll keep it up until it runs out of subscription which is in about a year... I won't be posting here any more. Maybe I'll make one final one to link my new address or something. Who knows.

Anyway, farewell and thanks for over 5000 views in just shy of 2 months. Reddit sure pulls in the traffic.

I'll make this one a but more direct this time. Mind you it'll probably be my second last post on this blog, the last of which I've already written and intend on publishing straight after this one. I would have changed the order around but given the circumstances and because I didn't think you'd read my reply, least of all reply again yourself, this will have to do.

I must say I'm pretty disappointed in your reply mate. I asked for legitimate examples of how my post was pretty much as you said it, littered with provocative fallacies. I wasn't fucking around in asking, but clearly you seem to be in replying. You gave me one example of not only a tiny study (n=142) that isn't on the topic of beards at all, but you accused me of making a strawman, when in actuality that's exactly what you did with your chest hair argument bro.

they almost criticised themselves


C'mon dude... stop being such a pussy and actually give examples.

I'll humor you just this once though, mostly because it shows how hard you were clutching at straws (even more so after your initial reply which was nothing but a cop-out with no actual argument present).

Here's a study with 3 times the amount of people surveyed, the results are in and the majority want men to avoid looking like a neanderthal which, if you want to go back and read my post again. That's the point I made.

I'll save you the trouble though because we've already established you're lazy:

Men wax your chest if you're unfortunately one of those hairy types. Look at laser surgery if you really have a growth problem.

Do I even need to go any further on this slide thread? I made what was an obvious reference. Men with a lot of hair have some very interesting 'coping mechanisms' I'll admit, but the majority of women want a hairless man with good noticeable physique. That's a fact.

Can we get back to beards now? Yes? Excellent!

Now, may I also direct you to this image below, which I think you either didn't read or conveniently 'forgot' to mention in favour of your chest hair strawman. Surprised still that you picked that of all things to argue, buy hey that's cope for you.

Beard hair

According to this chart. Less than 3% of women find having no beard very unattractive and less than 10% find it unattractive at all. No one finds slight stubble unattractive, which goes in line with me saying in my original post:

You can still have a little bit of hair on your face to scratch if you want without utterly nuking your physical attractiveness. A bit of hair on your face does not a beard make.

However, over 75% think a mustache sucks. Over 60% think a goatee sucks. Only 50% like a short to medium beard and for long beards it's only 20%.

I think the results are in buddy. You bearded folks really aren't as attractive looking as you think you are, and having a beard does nuke your physical attractiveness. Keeping your beard hair short at the very least, according to this infographic is the 'safest' option if we go just by this measly number of women (142) from this study that you proposed.

Mind you I'd like to point out that both studies we've discussed now argue only from a women's point of view. Men also have an opinion on each other's beards, whilst less invested and perhaps less relevant, it's still worth mentioning. My post wasn't purely about 'attracting' a mate of the opposite sex, which is obvious if you read the whole thing. It's also about building self confidence and not letting yourself become apathetic with your personal hygiene and practicing the art of healthy and regular grooming. Regardless of whether or not you are seeking or already have a partner of any sex. Long beard hair of any kind is a sign of apathy to ones own self-image. Chest hair is something that some people are sadly born with an having excess of. As I mentioned, if you are one of those guys who looks like a gorilla, wax that shit off and let your skin and body under that rug shine.

I'd like to say we could agree to disagree mate, but frankly seeing as you chose to focus on one minute part of my article, and mind you it was only a single diversion from the main topic; and also because I went so far as to humor even the bearded clowns from /r/beards AND I've provided not only a study of a larger sample size in this reply that refutes yours, whilst also highlighting how you conveniently didn't mention that infographic on the study you, yourself linked, which is only a short scroll down the metrics you mentioned. I'd say you've got yourself neck deep in crap at this point.

I am in the category that you suggested it is actually okay to have a beard.

There is no category where it is okay to have a beard. Unless you think that you are in the literal 0.1% of people who are famous because their beard is part of their trademark or brand and if you removed it you would be completely unmemorable. Do I even need to mention that I strongly doubt that.

No, it is not a neck beard; yes, my face is kept clean; and no, it's not unkempt, it is short, tidy and smells good.

According to you. a' la the hedge argument I opened with:

“You know that guy in your neighbourhood that owns a large garden hedge that spans the entire front length of his house. Whether or not it actually blocks the view of an otherwise nice front porch or does passersby a favour by obscuring an otherwise shitty view of his property. The point here is that your neighbour is the only one who personally gives a shit about that hedge. You don't care if that hedge was there or not, your neighbours don't give a shit and ultimately his wife wouldn't care if it was there or not either.”

Newsflash, that's not what everyone else thinks mate.

Believe it or not, I am a lion. I have dirty paws, an arousing roar and a mane that would titillate even you, should you ever run your fingers through it. You would be more than welcome to.


Your beard sucks mate. If you're going to reply to this, I'll only be provoked again by an actual picture of this so called 5-star mane of yours (otherwise see my final post). At the very least I suggest hopping over to the /r/beards subreddit if you really don't have just a trash-tier neckbeard – possibly milking your beard unattractiveness for karma from those in kind. You certainly seem the type to care about that sort of thing.

About two weeks ago I made this amazing post which I am very proud of: Your beard (facial hair) makes you look lazy

Interestingly enough whilst going through read.write.as which, mind you I recommend you do with a grain of salt as some people here write some pretty bonkers stuff.

I came across this blog #soberthoughts

Here's a screenshot of his comment in case he deletes it:


Firstly, manes are for male lions in the animal kingdom, where a mane is a sign of health and strength. There is nothing 'strong' or 'healthy' about growing a beard. ~Firstly~ I want to say thanks (I guess) for reading and for being kind enough to link the post so others who read your blog may find mine.

However, and more to the point I'm utterly perplexed at your accusation of calling my writing:

provocative fallacies

I'd appreciate it if you could explain to me what fallacies exactly I committed? As I'm quite convinced you don't understand what a fallacy is. Despite saying in a post of yours recently that you have nothing to say, you do seem to make quite a lot of large rambling posts, so in contrast to your other posts which I have not read until today. I was somewhat surprised to find you having so little to say about my post. I do tip my fedora in your direction though for remaining cool when confronted with a conflicting opinion.

As it says on my blog I'm open to all feedback from anyone and there's an email to contact me at located on pretty much all my posts.

So Mr. Sober Thoughts. May we discuss your accusation, or at the very least that neckbeard of yours?

“You know that guy in your neighbourhood that owns a large garden hedge that spans the entire front length of his house. Whether or not it actually blocks the view of an otherwise nice front porch or does passersby a favour by obscuring an otherwise shitty view of his property. The point here is that your neighbour is the only one who personally gives a shit about that hedge. You don't care if that hedge was there or not, your neighbours don't give a shit and ultimately his wife wouldn't care if it was there or not either.”

Your beard is exactly like that. A ridiculous and completely unnecessary accessory to your face.

Just like a garden hedge, a beard is almost entirely personal to each man. In the case where a woman isn't somehow involved, men grow beards for a variety of reasons. It's not even worth mentioning any of these reasons though because absolutely none of them are good enough to justify having a beard.

Give me a break

Think of someone you look up to, it can be anyone. Now, is it a woman? Does she have a beard? I bet she doesn't. If it's a man, does he have a beard? I bet he doesn't.

Now think of someone with a life and/or status that you would like to aspire to. Do the same thing. Does that person have a beard? If you aren't a total waste of space, then they probably won't.

Before you start rolling your eyes. Take a very quick scroll through this list of the most 100 respected and popular celebrities in the world.

Notice anything? Almost ALL of them are clean shaven. Apart from a very small amount of men who have a goatee or a small mustache, i.e. something that adds a little flavour to their character, and is also something they actually work to maintain. The overwhelming majority of people on this list are facial hair free, unless that facial hair is literally part of their 'brand' (ergo. Johnny Depp and Hugh Jackman). In fact, you have to scroll down to number 68 to find the first neck-bearded motherfu- and lo' and behold it's Zach Galifianakis, someone whose beard is literally part of his brand.

Let's go back even further. Check out these guys:

James Dean Image – James Dean

No beard

Steve McQueen Image – Steve McQueen

No beard

Sean Connery Image – Sean Connery

No beard

Okay so you're not planning on being one of the world's most famous male actors any time soon. So what? Why should you cripple your attractiveness so severely by growing a beard?

Notice how you feel more apathetic towards yourself when you let your beard grow out. It's almost as though the manifestation of your feelings towards your own self was quite literally visible as a physical thing on your face there for anyone else to see. This happens in a myriad of ways to anyone who gives even two fucks about their appearance. Just like anyone slowly starts to feel unmotivated and dissatisfied with their appearance after putting on unwanted weight; allowing your body to grow too much hair in such an important area is a burden to your happiness.

The hygiene argument. Do you have any idea just how many pimples and blackheads are lurking underneath your beard? Have you ever wondered why your beard can get so itchy? It's not just the feeling of hair growing through your skin. Shaving after a month or more always reveals the odd pimple or blackhead or two.

The age argument. Even children from the youngest age know that a shaved man looks younger than an unshaven man. No one in their right mind should ever want to look 'older'. More muscular and fit perhaps. More active, more friendly, more intelligent, more mature, more respectable and more approachable. Yeah sure to all of those. Older though? Unless you're 25 and look like a 12 year old without some hair on your face. Shaving will put you one huge leap closer to any of those positive traits I mentioned above. Also take chest hair for example, that shit adds at least another 10 years to your perceived age and is a real turn-off to 99% of women. Do you really think having a beard is any different?

Now comes the time to debunk all of your shitty arguments for having a beard:

I have terrible acne and I use my beard to hide it

I feel bad for you son, but that's no excuse. Do a decent careful shave with a good razor, use aftershave (this is a must) and then do a natural facial peel. You can get it professionally done or even make your own at home, for just a few bucks. Use Google and Youtube to learn how to do it properly. After doing a facial peel, use an electric razor (to not damage your skin with a manual razor) so you can keep your beard hair down. When your skin is healed, get a high quality razor and use any facial scrub (I haven't needed one for years but I used this one when I was younger) and any half-decent cleanser. Stay away from moisturizers or anything that makes your skin oily. Also consider changing your shitty diet (protip: go vegan, 1, 2, 3). I'll make a separate post on the innumerable benefits of veganism sometime but obviously eating food with hormones and bacteria in it is going to make your skin look like shit. Either way, if you don't want to change your diet on top of everything else, start with a facial scrub and use an aftershave (Brut and Old Spice are great) and go for a peel if you need further results.

I always break out in acne after shaving!

Use a clean, high quality razor and actually use aftershave. Also stop scratching your ass and balls and then rubbing your face. If you wash your face once in the morning and once at night you won't break out on your face. Pay attention to your hygiene...

But razors, shaving cream and aftershave cost money!

Actually get a job you fucking economy peasant...

Shaving takes so much time / I don't have time to shave

Shaving takes less than 2 minutes if you do it semi-regularly and don't shave only once every few months. The best time to shave is usually once every 2-3 days. Attach a cheap mirror to the wall of your shower and shave whilst showering you lazy fuck. Most people do it in the morning after brushing their teeth. Instead of jerking off any time you get the urge, you could also give your face, jaw and neck a once over with a razor.

I have a big Adam's apple and/or I always wind up cutting myself!

Congrats, you have a clear indication of your sex, a good sized Adam's apple is something to be proud of. Use a decent shaving cream and shave slowly around that part of your neck dummy and don't shave the same spot too much, just once in two different directions is enough with a good razor. Also don't apply too much pressure and don't use a back-and-forth motion there so the blade doesn't nick your skin. Finally, if you're cutting yourself because there's a lot of fat on your face then try and lose some weight.

I don't like the feeling of shaving

Would you rather look like a lazy shit that doesn't give a fuck about his life? I don't like the feeling of brushing my teeth, actually it's maybe the only thing I actually really hate on earth. I still do it two times a day because it's better than getting a bloody root canal. Spending 60 seconds every 2-3 days shaving is better than an eternity of loneliness.

My girlfriend (boyfriend, for the gays) says they like my beard

So what? It's YOUR face. Your partner should like what YOU want to look like and they should be attracted to that. Face it, the only people who care about beards are suspiciously young girls who date much older men or women who have low standards. A beard is an eyesore. Every woman (hetero or otherwise) appreciates a good male jawline free from hair. Men should follow suit.

I like having something to scratch

Well I've heard that running your grubby fingers through your beard is great for your hygiene! No really, get a stress ball or do something else. You can still have a little bit of hair on your face to scratch if you want without utterly nuking your physical attractiveness. A bit of hair on your face does not a beard make.

Why do you even care if people grow a beard or not?

When you look at any of these stud muffins and their utterly perfect jawline that is completely devoid of hair. What do you feel? Are you a soulless, apathetic fuck, or do you think “Damn, what a man”? If you don't care, I've got news for you. Other people do care. Your partner cares and your partner might only maybe think twice if one of the clean shaven hunks on that list above invited them to a private dinner at home with nice music. Get real dude. Everyone knows that people who surround themselves with nice, visually appealing things – lead better and more fulfilling lives. Make no mistake, your beard IS, like all other parts of your body and things you wear or surround yourself with – a reflection of yourself. The difference is, a shitty beard takes absolutely no effort to grow (just don't touch it) and there is no such thing as a good beard.

My kids like my beard

Do you want your daughter to grow up and fall in love with some lazy neckbeard wanker who doesn't know how to shave, probably doesn't shower or wash their face regularly and also probably drinks too much IPA? No. Do you want your son to wind up looking like a pedo basement dweller in his teens? Obviously not. So teach your boy how to shave and be the role model that your kids need you to be. Hair free is carefree.

It's embarrassing but don't know how to shave...

We have the internet. “I don't know how” hasn't been a valid excuse in decades. Actually man up, right this instant.

Jokes on you! My beard is part of my 'brand' or 'image'

Tell me, are you famous? Of course you aren't and even if you were just a little bit popular like one of those moronic streamers that always dyes their hair some new colour every month. That streamer's hair colour isn't part of their brand. It's them doing what they can to stay relevant by changing something cheap, easy and ultimately irrelevant about themselves. Your beard is the same thing. Unless you are literally this guy you know, that bodyguard dude you keep seeing in action movies these days with the curly mustache. Unless you are him and your beard is literally the only thing that makes you memorable, you're not allowed to grow facial hair.

Statistically women are okay with beards

Men are born with facial hair and unless you have a problem with your genetics or you are a woman, you will grow a beard. Statistically people are generally pretty used to things that they come into contact with often. Just because women might entertain the idea of having a beard does not mean that it is the most attractive option, and therefore 'recommended' for men to have one. Besides, a woman who doesn't find you attractive without a beard is a shallow cunt whom should be scorned.

If I shave my beard what do I do with my sideburns?

That's up to you. My advice is pick a matching hairstyle. The best one for you will be the one that you like the most.

What about my other body hair?

Shave your meat. Always. This is not a debate. Men and women, shave your stuff. We all know that it's better looking, more hygienic et cetera. The same goes for your beard and if you're a woman then shave your legs if you don't want to be seen as having a mental condition or as someone who doesn't give a shit about her appearance (aka what a man looks like with a beard). Men wax your chest if you're unfortunately one of those hairy types. Look at laser surgery if you really have a growth problem. Looking nice generally does cost money. Why do you think people spend thousands on nice white capped teeth? Because people do notice and people do care.


Now in the interest of fairness and to give men whom are proud of their beards a chance to defend themselves. I decided to do a little activity. I popped over to /r/beards (aka beardcirclejerking) and sorted by TOP > ALL TIME. This shows the most upvoted submissions to this subreddit, i.e. those that other bearded (mostly) and non-bearded (still a significant amount) men think are quality posts and/or desirable/appealing beards.

Now without further ado, allow me to clear the crap out of your eyes once-and-for-all and show really just how stupid 'beard culture' is.

Below is a screenshot (at the time of this writing) on the most popular (upvoted) submissions on the /r/beards subreddit. I will go through them one by one just below.


Let's start with the first few threads shall we?


Coming out at No.1 is a sympathy post about a guy who apparently went through chemotherapy, who probably never had anything more than a neckbeard in the first place. That is, it's not even a submission with an actual beard.


The same thing as No.1 (another chemo related post) but this guy actually has, or what's left of his junkie coke addict looking never-shaved bike gang beard and mustache combo. Complete with a “muh beard rules” shirt for maximum Reddit karma effectiveness.


Literally “upvote this”” of a guy who has 5 times as much hair under his nose as he does above it. Why the fuck would you ever want to look like this? On top of that, he clearly combs his beard and I wouldn't be surprised if he even dyes it, and that's partly why he keeps the hair on his head so short. Either that, or he's compensating for the fact that he's already going bald. I'll let you decide which.


Literal 'gay pride' between two old guys with nothing but lazy, zero effort neckbeards. Barely even 'beard related' and probably got 90% of its upvotes from people who would have felt like a homophobe if they had scrolled past it without upvoting.


An out of shape looking ranga with a huge beard. I'll give my man a few points for at least doing his hair nicely and fully committing to the '1920s/bachelor' bartender/blackjack dealer look. This is one of those posts that really confuses me because if this guy got in shape and cut the beard, he'd still look a whole lot better than this. To me this looks more like a guy under a 'you must have a beard to work here' requirement and who did his best considering the circumstances.


A literal fucking “upvote this” thread with a picture of Eminem rocking a bit of facial hair that is barely passable as a 'beard'. C'mon guys... what kind of low quality shit passes for upvotes or beards in this sub? People are actually upvoting a photo of Eminem where he could pass off as literally any basic white-collar, Wallmart, shelf packing mother fucker. What a joke.


Literally 'muh religion', with a pinch of “Hey I curl my mustache a bit” again because 'muh religion'. Nothing remotely unique or praiseworthy. Also notice that sheer amount of dangling beard strands which shows that this guy doesn't even trim. Women are not interested in this shit my guy.


Literally “upvote this coz I'm black”. Just look at the title for fucks sake. Another “if you scroll past without upvoting, you're racist” thread. Guy looks like fucking Mr. T with a nose ring, which sure as hell isn't a compliment. Notice that he also doesn't do anything to maintain his beard and is also out of shape... Are we seeing a pattern yet?


LITERAL FUCKING “WHY SO FEW BLACK PEOPLE HERE?!” thread. I'm basically fucking done. Neckbeard quality post from a guy with a literal neckbeard. Guy looks about 5”3' from the photo and about as wide as tree trunk. Please tell me you can see the pattern here...


“Why no beards in the white house for 122 years?!” Oh gee I wonder. Maybe because they're unsightly and no one who's worth his salt would be seen dead sporting an icon of their laziness right on their face?


Should be titled, “Celebrating my third year of not getting laid and saving just a few bucks on razors and shaving cream”. Guy is trying to rock the “I walk thousands of miles for fun” look but all he's showing me with the size of his arms is that he's totally protein deficient and with a look like that, he's also logic deficient. C'mon this guy looks like one of those guys on a 'journey' of self discovery, which is really just cope for 'Why can't I get laid?' when the proof is literally staring him and anyone else in the face.


It's a meme of a guy on the left who's probably quite young and attractive under all that hair, next to an actor who is famous for pretty much being a combination of what all men should not aspire to be (except rich). Guy with masculinity issues on the left vs. guy you'd call the cops on if he stepped within 5 feet of your daughter (aka the opposite sex).


“I'm trying to look like an ancient race of people who were proud men that worked their assess off to take the utmost care of their self-image, health, safety and family”. “How am I doing this? By opting to not cut my facial hair because the rest of my facial features could kinda let me pass for a particular historical demographic”. “Please validate me though”. For fucks sake, could you get any less 'viking'?...


Actual complete disregard of hygiene in the workforce. Does this guy think his patients would find this admirable? Guy is also clearly out of shape...


A misleading post made by a female looking for some easy karma that tries to pass off as though her boyfriend and his mates don't routinely grow their beards (but instead only grow them in November). Yeah right. Brace yourself though for the real kicker, a quick click on the poster's username shows that she literally just made a post 7 days ago asking for help with her boyfriend's 'skin care routine' and what is that on his face, but hair and it isn't November!

I'm actually fucking done. As if you need more proof that growing a beard is literally one of the most idiotic things ever and that the supposed 'hall of fame' for beards is nothing but a circlejerk karma farm that upvotes the most illogical bullshit ever.

NB! I have nothing personal against anyone who has a beard. Just don't try to convince me that you aren't a lazy dude who doesn't give two shits about your appearance or health, and would just rather 'roll with it'. Personality is king, but what's the point of even having a great personality if you look unapproachable and/or are out of shape? Shave that shit off. No excuses. Then get to work on the rest of your body. You'll thank me later.

You might want to put the kettle on for this one

leaving Finland

When I came to Finland in April of 2009 it was the first time I ever stepped foot out of my home country Australia. I was a 17 year old and fresh out of my 3 months basic training in the ADF (Australian Defense Force).

The advice given to me by friends and superiors was to take this short break and “see the world” before starting my real studies. That suited me fine after 3 months of being yelled at and crawling through mud. Even though I had pilot's training to look forward to when I returned in 3 months, my mind was literally as far away as could be. I was already deciding where to go.

I grew up in a small town in Australia right on the beach and when I wasn't swimming I was often wondering what the rest of the world was like out beyond the waves I saw so often. It was for this reason I used things like MSN Messenger to talk to people from all over and more importantly IRC. It was through IRC that I learned of IRC-Galleria and it was from irkki that I made my first Finnish friends. Yes, I literally came to Finland because of IRC-Galleria.

So, by the time I had finished my basic training in the ADF I'd already made a lot of friends in Finland online. I could count to 10 properly in Finnish, had watched all of the sole 200 videos of Finland that even existed back in 2009† and read the few books I could find about the country from my local library. I had even learned a pretty decent set of phrases and practiced writing Finnish.

A country at the top of Europe with long winters, one of the hardest languages on earth and I had dozens of friends there who I had never met.

Seemed like a cool place I thought.

My dad wanted to reward me for getting into the ADF and finishing my basic training so I told my dad I wanted to go overseas. To Finland obviously. He laughed at me at first and was convinced I'd change my mind and pick somewhere else. My father didn't believe I'd actually go through with the trip until right after I walked out of the travel agent after spending $2222 AU exactly, on my return flight to Helsinki. 10 years later you sure can get a return flight for a lot cheaper than that!

So in early April of 2009 I landed in Helsinki and wearing some pathetic clothes that I thought would shield me from the cold. I still remember stepping out of the airport and into the first snow I had ever seen and thinking “What the fuck have I got myself into?” How could April still be so cold?

I got into a taxi, got to the railway station and hoped that I had been given the right change by the driver, because I didn't recognise the coins. There was no 3G, and 4G didn't even exist. My phone didn't work, all I had was a number of whom to call. My first friend of many to meet. I still remember people looking at me weird in Helsinki railway station for speaking English and using a payphone. Sitting and waiting for VR to open, not realising they wouldn't because it was a holiday. Having a gypsy girl ask me twice if I wanted to buy her shitty gold jewellery. Being asked by some kid if he could “use my phone real quick” even though I had no reception in this country. He disappeared like a fart in the wind as soon as I spoke English.

Thankfully I'd made the acquaintance of a nice old couple on the plane whom I sat next to and they showed up an hour later than me and totally by chance, helped me buy the ticket I needed. I didn't even have a debit card, I wasn't old enough. Just some prepaid cash card with a little over $10,000 AU on it that was meant to work in an ATM. So I gave them the money and they bought me the tickets using the machine because VR was closed and they told me what train to get on. There certainly wasn't any English option for the ticket machines back in 09.

I stayed 2 weeks in Mänttä-Vilppula which is where the first friend on my list lived. A little shithole place that I hope you dear reader are fortunate enough to never visit. I had my 18th birthday there in a shitty karaoke bar and I left as quickly as I came. There is literally nothing worth writing about my time there except to say I had my first sauna here. Yay.

Then I headed for Rovaniemi. Yep I went straight from one shithole to the Arctic circle. Not much of an upgrade. Rovaniemi was nice-r though and here I had an apartment my friends had organised for me. Good location, view of the river and the price was great. My own furnished 32sq studio for only €350 ($700 AU at the time) a month within walking distance from everything. Anyone in Australia will tell you that's darn cheap especially by today's standards.

It was in Rovaniemi that I got absolutely fucking wasted for the first time. Ran from the cops because I didn't realise you're not actually allowed to climb up those tall as fuck ladders that are affixed to every building here. Had my first Finnish girlfriend. Went to Vappu and had my first heartbreak when it was time to go. From there it was also the first time I would go to Oulu. Fucking piece of shit Oulu... A town I would sadly end up spending almost 3 grueling wasted years of my fucking life living in denial that it was a “nice place”. But I'll get to that soon.

3 months was coming up and as per visa regulations I had to leave. So I did. It didn't take long though before I found myself kind of in a long distance relationship and I had a girl from Oulu coming to Australia without even telling her parents, should have twigged then what I was getting into. Yeah the shitstorm I witnessed when she called her mum after 2 weeks of being in Aus was insane and her mum was absolutely batshit when I finally moved to Finland to live and ended up meeting her for the first time. Should have twigged then too that I'd wound up in the middle of a family of nutjobs.

Oulu Image – Hupisaaret, Oulu

Still, I was 18 and I thought I was in love and I missed Finland like mad. There was no way I wanted to go back to the ADF instead of having fun and sex in Europe. Flying helicopters? Fight for Australia in Afghanistan? Only 1 month off per year if I'm lucky? Fuck that. What had Australia ever done for me anyway?

Living in Oulu gave me the reputation of being “the Australian dude”. Considering that no one else could name another Australian who lived there. I felt like a big fish in a small pond.††

Pudasjärvi Image – Pudasjärvi a.k.a 'Nowheresville, Finland'

It was in this trash tier town that made even Pudasjärvi and Mänttä-Vilppula look like a resort destination, that I did my 18 months of Finnish language integration. 18 months of absolute pure hell. Paying either €50 a month when I had next to no income for a bus card to mandatory classes I needed to show up to 5 days a week is fine, even if I don't really have the money. What isn't fine was the fact that my class was full of the most disruptive fucks you could imagine. Kurdish††† and Turkish††† “men” who had somehow never been taught the meaning and importance of respect. Like most teachers in Finland, ours was a woman. So naturally class wasn't about learning Finnish, it was about what insults and bullshit these guys had in store for her today whilst she tried to instill some bare minimum of Finnish language in our brains. On top of this the classes started so early... in the Winter we were boarding the bus in the freaking pitch black dark in the morning! I never really got used to that.

In the meantime and despite all the shit from my classmates, I actually spent 9 hours a day learning Finnish on my own so I was making pretty incredible progress. It was also during this time that I got my first look into how absolutely fucked a female-majority workplace is and how utterly vile women can be to men if men are a minority in the workplace. I witnessed high levels of superiority-inferiority complex behaviour and discrimination from my first boss (female librarian in a totally female dominated workforce). Also from my second boss (female headmaster in a school with 26 female staff members and 2 males, excluding 1 male security guard and 1 male cleaner). When the only other male teacher confided to me in private on my third day at work, and said that I might face some level of discrimination just because I was a man, I had to try to stop myself from laughing. I can tell you, I was naive as hell and certainly not laughing by the time I left that job for another just over a year later.

To reiterate, I've worked 6 jobs in 10 years in Finland. Finland had the most sexist workforce I have ever come across in my life at the time. Now 10 years later, I can say that things are better, sure – but sexism in the workforce there happens all the time and female mob-mentality in the workforce is as toxic as any of the masculinity bullshit SJWs will try to sprout off about. I wouldn't wish the shit I had to go through in female dominated workplaces, on anyone. In fact it was so bad that I regularly took trips (roughly 3 a year, sometimes as part of work or by using Summer holidays or combining all of my paid leave) overseas just to be able to cope in the early years. The only thing that kept me going (read: sane) sometimes was having a plan of what new country I would visit next. I can say one of the rare positive things about Finland is that it's certainly a lot easier to travel overseas from there, than from Australia.

18 months and 2 shitty jobs and 1 even more shitty language course down. I finally had time to dedicate to fitness, work and my relationship. I could have written a separate 10,000 word blog on how rotten both those jobs were and how the 40 minute one-way trips on the fucking “immigrant bus” as we dubbed it, packed with Somalis, Arabs, Africans and anyone else like me stupid enough to live in Oulu – how it was still probably the lowest point I've ever had in my life even now 10 years later but remember I was in denial about how amazeballs it was to be living on the other side of the planet and all my friends back in Australia were jealous. I probably biked over 150 times the whole 1 hour and 20 minutes (one-way) to those Finnish classes in up to -30°C temperatures to save money at one point. Money that my girlfriend at the time convinced me we needed to save because she was stealing my half and using to fund being an alcoholic behind my back. But hey, you're probably already thinking “fuck dude, is this ever going to be worth the time I've already invested in reading?” Mate. Did you forget, this is Finland we're talking about and besides, have you even ever read a book in your life?

Life in Oulu was shit, but I was doing an amazing job at ignoring that fact and trying my best to milk my foreigner status and actually pretty bloody good Finnish to make friends. I was also burying my head in the sand and playing World of Warcraft and Wii with my girlfriend when I wasn't at the small crummy gym I had membership for, so time was flying by.

My life was pretty modest, I convinced myself I didn't need anything else and I was trying to do the best to enjoy it. By now I had somehow stupidly convinced myself that I'd be less happy if I was back in Australia.

Ultimately all the friends I made didn't last for very long because Oululaiset (people from Oulu) were just dogshit at keeping in touch and were never very interested in anything other than themselves. Friends I made, even expats from Oulun Yliopisto (Oulu University) lasted a few weeks because everyone just wanted to stay inside and either play video-games all day even during the Summer or watch fucking re-runs of Doctor Who.†††† Me on the other hand, I'd quit playing games (a habit I brought with me from Australia because I grew up in an isolated town) so when I wasn't at work I either biked or (skateboarded outside or in an underground carpark depending on the time of year) or went to gym. In the Winter I also went to sauna a lot and stayed far away from garbage Finnish TV.

My relationship was also getting pretty shitty. I found out my then-girlfriend had started smoking despite being a fucking obnoxious cunt to anyone who was a smoker and mocking them for years. I had also reason to suspect she was stealing my money and lying about how much we had (I had to share her bank account because this bullshit country didn't let me have my own even though I had a fucking job and had lived here for more than 18 months and worked for more than 12). Besides my ex girlfriend's shitty behaviour and the alcoholism AND smoking she was hiding and funding with my hard work, I was getting interest from my friends who were way hotter and far kinder to me and who naturally took pity on me because unlike anyone else I was open and honest about my life. So ultimately when I found out my ex fucked two of her coworkers in the sauna at the same time, at a party and it wasn't the pilot for an upcoming Salkkarit season and also wasn't for a million dollar cheque that had my name on it. I withdrew what money I knew was mine (she had taken thousands of euros of my money out via ATMs and done god knows what with it so I couldn't see on our netbank). Then I dumped her on her ass and took what I could carry. Thousands of euros wasted on shit like a new couch, Macbook (for her, as if I would be seen dead owning one) and bed and washing machine that made me fucking sick to even look at, not that I could take it with me if I even wanted to. The slut got it all.

The first 2 weeks I spent with my then 'best friend' who literally just wound up verbally abusing me almost daily after only 3 days of me being there and who expected me to get over my ex in an instant. We'd been together for almost 3 years at this point and my ex was actively doing everything in her power to sabotage me being able to stay in Finland independently.††††† Everything from lying to our housing department to get them to deprive me access to an apartment that had my name on the lease and many of my belongings still inside, lying about my behaviour to friends of ours, all the way to even sending 'anonymous' complaints to my work about me when I wasn't even actually working there at this point (I took time off after the breakup for obvious reasons and the bitch didn't even know, so she played herself completely here). Even my supposed 'bestie' who's idea it was to come and stay with her temporarily, couldn't give me a fucking break and hold off from lambasting me over menial bullshit. For almost 2 weeks she projected all of her own problems in life onto me and eventually I told her to 'get fucked' and I left to stay with another friend whilst I tried to get my own place.

I spent a little over 2 weeks with a friend who despite being married and in a 7 year relationship wanted my dick to which I obviously declined because I was good friends with her husband and had just been cheated on myself for fucks sake. Shit was now well and truly awkward and I doubled my efforts to find a new place to live quick. Thankfully an opportunity fell into my lap quickly, but not before this chick got fed up with me cold shouldering her and not making a move whilst her boyfriend was at work so one afternoon whilst I was away she put all of my things outside in the fucking rain! My laptop actually broke completely and half my expensive textbooks that I was using to study for uni entrance exams got wet. My stuff was out in the rain, able to be stolen by literally anyone for over 4 hours and I didn't know until I got home and she told me to leave. The funniest part was that her boyfriend was home whilst she put all of my things outside and the cuck didn't stop her, despite him and I being supposedly 'good mates' and me NOT fucking his girlfriend behind his back. I'd even paid them more than 1/3rd of my share of the 'rent' to stay there for up to 1 month whilst I looked for a place. I got barely 13 days of time before she lost her shit and put my things in the rain. Thank heavens it just so happened to coincide with me getting the key to my new place that same night (which is why I wasn't at home to stop her putting my things out).††††††

I finally had my own place for at least 6 months. It was a student apartment rented out by a girl who was holidaying in France and being the a-typical narcissist on social media. When making the contract she told me I legally wasn't allowed to apply for housing support because it was a 'student building'; I stupidly believed her, so I didn't. It took me 3 months to realise she was lying when a friend of mine said she was full of shit. To which I applied to be back paid for everything and wound up with an additional 2 thousand euros I had no idea I was entitled to after my whole rental period. The absolute shitstorm of phone calls and threats from this “skinny minnie” that I got when she came home from France and realised she had been totally cut off her payments and was over €2000 in debt. It was fucking delicious. Any shred of respect or thankfulness I had for this bitch leasing to me was gone as soon as I realised she didn't want me applying for housing support money because she was lying about not being oversees and was getting it PLUS my rent. This was the third fourth time in barely 1 month I had been fucked over by a woman. At first I thought it was my fault but my mates quickly pulled my head in and reminded me that there's nothing to be ashamed about trusting people. Besides I'd finally quit one of the bullshit jobs I was working because I was sick of being pressured into doing things not stated on my contract and not even getting paid for them, so I actually needed the money if I wanted to find a stable place to live for an extended period.

I moved from that place into a shared apartment with a friendly Finnish guy who was studying medicine and a German wo(man) who... Well. She was cheating on her boyfriend who lived back in Germany. You really can't make this shit up. By now I wondered if there was something in the water in Oulu that made females behave like retarded sluts. What the fuck was going on? My other roommate and I pondered the thought over beer and Koyaanisqatsi whilst her and the guy who wasn't her boyfriend audibly fucked the night before her actual boyfriend was to arrive via plane from Germany to visit for 1 week. I guess if you're going to cheat whilst living with two roommates you might as well not give any fucks about being subtle. In her defense, maybe, just maybe she was in a polygamous relationship. I really, really doubt it though because she married the guy she was cheating on 1 year later.

To my disgust I found out that my slut of an ex literally, and I mean literally, was living in the apartment block right next to me. She also needed to move when we broke up and lo and behold she had somehow managed to find the place right next to mine. We hadn't spoken a word in 6 months. I couldn't believe my face when I walked past her place on the way to work and our eyes met whilst she was taking out the garbage. This prompted her to accuse me of stalking, to which I showed her the address on my lease whilst laughing my fucking ass off.

I stayed in Oulu for a few more months whilst preparing to get the fuck out of this town and move to Helsinki. During this time I dated girls from (and visited) Kuopio, Joensuu, Turku and Helsinki. Basically anywhere that wasn't Oulu. I also dated girls from Oulu.

I had a girlfriend from Helsinki. I ended up falling for a girl who I'd known since before I came to Finland. It started when she invited me to her birthday party, her friends made me feel like family and we hooked up. It was fucking perfect and I felt that because we'd known each other for so long, so it was a safe bet. Finally I felt like my life had direction and I had an even bigger reason to move to Helsinki and get out of Oulu asap. She helped plan my move there; I helped her study for entrance exams. My ex who was now texting me again after she realised we were neighbours was pissed off I had already moved on and was trying hard to compete my new then girlfriend. Here I tried to play my cards right because she still had a lot of my things and I wanted them back. Once when she was at my place and we were discussing me getting some of my belongings back I made the mistake of being very clear that we were never getting back together causing her to go absolutely ballistic so my roommate and I had to kick her out or call the cops. That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to her. That night I thought to myself, “thank god my girlfriend in Helsinki isn't anything like my ex.”

Yeah so about 2 weeks later that girl cheated on me too, and fucked her ex... Called me up 2 days before I was due to fly down from Oulu and move some of my things into her place whilst I looked for my own. Telling me she was having some panic attacks and freak-outs. I jumped on the train the same night and went down to see her with just the clothes on my back and not even a phone charger. Knocked on the door at 7am the next day (it was like a 7 hour train ride) with a dead phone to literally have her ex answer the door in his pajamas. I'd find out later from a friend of hers that they'd been fucking on and off pretty much any time I wasn't in Helsinki. But at the time I thought, wow it only took 1 panic attack for this bitch to open her legs.

Two punches and a talk with the cops and some legal shit I'd maybe have to deal with later. I walked to the nearest Gigantti to wait for it to open so I could buy a phone charger. Found a wall socket at McDonalds and called a friend in Helsinki. That night my friend and I unironically fucked and I took a train back the next day to pack my things, sort a few other things out and fly straight back to Helsinki. No way was any female going to get the better of me again.

A Park A park somewhere in Finland

I moved in with a friend who I'd known for a few years. This one didn't want my dick (yet) and didn't have a boyfriend. Believe me if I'd been able to make male friends I would have. I had a ratio of 3:1 male to female friends in Australia. In Finland it was 1:9 male to female. Finnish men just didn't want foreign male friends, even if you could talk professional level Finnish. By now I'd given up on trying and they didn't really seem all that interesting anyway. I had my med school buddy still and that was enough for me.

I stayed with my now 'fuckbuddy' friend for 3 months. Mostly because it became pretty obvious after a few weeks how much chemistry we had. I wasn't ready for another freaking relationship and I was still confused by the chemistry so I moved close-by and figured I'd see how things went. Mostly I just didn't trust women much at this point. Oh, I also started a new job in Helsinki at a start up consultancy, ending a miserable and boring 6 months of being unemployed in Oulu where I was slowly losing money. Thankfully this was the last time I would have to worry about work.

My sister visited me for a few weeks and I showed her Finland, Sweden and Norway. This was maybe the most “normal” time of the whole 10 years I would spend here. It wouldn't last more than 4 weeks.

The girl I was seeing went full stalker because apparently things weren't moving fast enough for her and I wrote her off to date a girl I met whilst I was in Turku with my sister one day. She was funny and most importantly well read and had a Master's in Chemistry and wanted to be a doctor. I took this relationship seriously. Paid for half of everything and gave her as much time as I could and spent a lot of time in Turku with her. Everything was actually great and it took almost 3 months before one day I was using her laptop to apply for universities and she got a sexual message from a Sri-Lankan guy on Facebook. Scrolling though the chat revealed 2 months of some of the most twisted lies I had ever been accused of. Stories that I made her pay for everything, never took her out to dinner (actually she told me no man had ever taken her out and I did 4 times in 3 months and she hadn't taken me out even once). Lies that I didn't answer her messages, didn't want to come and see her and also that I was unfair and talked about my exes too much (I never did and actually she was the one always bitching about her ex, singular). I'll be honest, she never flirted back with the guy (at least not in the messages I saw) but she let this guy talk about what he wanted to do with her, lied about me profusely and certainly milked him for attention and affection. I closed her laptop. Got on the first train back to Helsinki and blocked her completely. She called me like mad, emailed me frantically with excuses each more fucked up than the last like that she'd been raped by her dad and had commitment issues. You name it. I left the Facebook chat open on her laptop, she told me I could use it to look for universities to apply to. She knew exactly how badly she'd fucked up and I wanted no part of her crap because I couldn't trust her. I never spoke to her again but she would try at least 4 times to get back in contact with me in a following 3 year period (calling me whilst hiding her number, email, SMS, even via post), prompting me to finally remove my name, address and number from the online phone book.

By now I'd been betrayed by basically every female I'd ever met. What the actual fuck was wrong with people here? The men don't want “mates”, anything like what we have back in Australia. The women are a bunch of spastics. What the hell is a man to do?

I would spend the next 4 years without getting into a relationship. The sad part is that none of those years felt remotely more fulfilling than any of those I spent in a relationship. The difference though is that no one fucked me over and I never paid more than my share for a dinner. I became based as fuck. Focusing on myself gave me a lot of time to think and because I wasn't pursuing a relationship I grew more as a person and became even more independent. In these years I focused on and modeled my life around work. In Helsinki I was working for a great company as a consultant and it was fulfilling and had me semi-regularly going overseas. Finally I was at a job with a balanced atmosphere and I was even able to make a few workmates.

At the same time I started university a few months after the pathological lying ex from Turku. It was here that I thought the rest of my life would truly begin, work = check, studies = check. University would not only be the doorway into what would hopefully be a stable and fulfilling career, it would be a place to meet like-minded people and grow my professional network. Or so I thought. Ultimately my first degree was probably a huge waste of time.

Everyone in my class was a social cripple except for 2 guys. There was 32 of us, so think of the most NEET people you can and throw in a few Kela worms who were only there because it was one way to get money, plus half a dozen who had no idea what they were doing. One of the two okay people was a chav-like bloke from England and the other was a Leb. There was also this Indian guy, and christ... He would prove to be perhaps the biggest sack of shit person I have ever met in my whole life. We were all in the same class, studying the same degree and for ease we shared course loads, did group work together and naturally we were all pretty good friends. This made uni a cinch and we hung out after school and went to bars together and I even went to the Indian guy's kid's christening for fucks sake. Naturally whilst studying an I.T. degree, we as I.T. folks had some cool ideas for apps and websites and the like. One day we decided to meet up and discuss properly an idea that we briefly glossed over once in passing, as it could be potentially quite lucrative.

A few meetings, bars, house parties and such later, our deadlines were coming up. For one course we were in yet another group consisting of the 4 of us. Our task was to choose a company we were going to interview and do a report on the business processes within it. Indian fuckstick said that we could use his ““uncle's company”” that dealt in shipping containers. His uncle would send us all the info we needed if his nephew (the Indian guy) simply asked. Well weeks went by and the Indian prick delayed constantly giving excuse after excuse. The deadline for this huge project that was 50% of our total grade was getting really close and some other groups had already finished. The other 3 of us (the Englishman, Leb and I) started to get desperate and the Indian guy wasn't coming through with ANY of the data we needed. One night with the Leb we decided to do some digging with the info that the Indian dude gave us and what we found was some of the most fucked up shit ever.

Mr. Indian had lied about everything. There was no uncle and his company. The website that he gave us was a front for a typical 'postal scam'. “Send us your stuff and we'll pass it on for real cheap”. Actually what would happen is that you'd pay to have things sent via this total fraud company and you'd never see your items again and the recipient you chose would obviously never get them. They had a system with fake tracking numbers and even a location to drop the packages off after paying. They kept both the money AND the items of anyone unfortunate enough to fall for their crap.

The Leb and I were furious and we wanted to ring this Indian fuck's neck. So we told the Englishman who initially couldn't believe it, but he suggested we all talk to our teacher. Our teacher kind of laughed at us and basically said “Welcome to reality and working with people, you need to know who your friends are”. All our professor did was agree to keep our scores for deliverables thus far and unenroll us from the course so we could just do the large report later on in the next course offering. Two things were for certain, we had narrowly escaped being the laughing stock of the class having nothing to present to everyone and we felt like three stooges. This fucking guy had totally duped us for almost 1 year where he regaled us with stories of how he came from 'money' in India and his family basically lived in the fucking 'Raj'. He even showed us pictures of places he claimed he'd been or that his family owned and bikes and cars and shit. It was subtle, not too exorbitant but also definitely not remotely representative of the truth.

That truth was that he didn't have an uncle. His father was an only child and he literally sold fucking bananas for a living. That's it. None of us could have given a shit if he lied about not being a slumdog, but when he fucked us over in our professional studies. He didn't just cross the line, he was shitting all over it.

Along with the Englishman and Leb we failed 3 courses because of this Indian. He fell through on every single thing we worked together in and we had to drop out of multiple courses. It cost us up to 6 months worth of studying. In the meantime he (Indian) was such a fucking liar and complete lazy-ass that he got caught stealing work from another student and passing it off as his own (the other student left his work in a public intranet directory accessible to anyone). Already in deep shit for stealing work, he was now in more shit for sabotaging his classmates. Unfortunately the university didn't do much except say 'Shit happens, try again with the next iteration of those courses'.

After the discussion with our professor, we had a quick 'intervention' with the Indian, which was basically 2 hours of him backing into a corner and digging himself a grave with more lies and tales that he couldn't prove. The guy even said that he had a 'diplomatic passport', so we asked for proof of that, proof that anything he'd told us wasn't totally fabricated. It was especially funny because we had researched this bullshit website so much and dug so deep into his life by scouring his social media and anything where his name popped up, that by then that we were ready for any of the usual garbage excuses he was used to making. To our amazement the cunt brought his wife to university the next day to try and appeal to our feelings to forgive him. We weren't forgiving anything. As far as we were concerned we took this literal slumdog in and he shat in our faces.

Indian boy made one fatal mistake though. Instead of unenrolling like we did from the huge course he fucked us over in, he opted to spend the last 7 days before the deadline plagiarizing a similar report he found online. Being so lazy as to literally change only 1 or 2 words. He got caught of course and even though this was literally the second time that he had been caught stealing someone else's work and passing it off as his own, the university let him off with a warning and he only failed that course. Talk about a lack of justice! 2 times plagiarism and one count of sabotage. None of us could believe that our university didn't outright expel him.

From this point on the Englishman who for months had kind of been acting like he barely knew the Leb and I outside of school, became gradually more distant. Moreover he took pity on the Indian as they were originally friends from Finnish language class so in secret he went to hang out with the Indian guy despite how badly we all got fucked over. Talk about priorities. Me and the Leb were totally down to hang out and we had way more in common but this fucking English cuck was more interested in lapping up this liar's bullshit even after he got totally fucked over by him. WOW!

So it was just down to the Leb and I.

This is probably a good time to mention I'd been in a relationship now for 1 year, starting roughly around the time my university started. I was somehow with a girl from Oulu. Yes, fucking Oulu. Even when I left I couldn't get away from people there. Normally I'd have been so absolutely, utterly, completely over the idea of being in a 'relationship' but the difference this time was that she had a big loving family, a stable job that made bank, she was funny and of course she was a total knockout and out of my league. She had a stable and successful life before and during the time we met and got together and we clicked in almost every single way. Later when I proposed she even agreed to marry me.

Leb and his girlfriend went to my wedding and it seemed that despite all of the drama with past women and the bloody Indian, everything ridiculous was finally behind me. God how I wished that was true...

At some point in our relationship, Leb's girlfriend, a Finn, started to become best friends with my wife at the time. They did everything together. I was truly happy they were as close as I was with the Leb. Things seemed too good to be true and they were.

Cutting out a lot of actual subtle but totally fucked gaslighting (from the Leb and his girlfriend) and mindfuckery and online stalking which lasted months, the latter of which I never got to the bottom of and probably never will (either Leb, his girlfriend or the Indian (still pissed at us for exposing him) were to blame). It was around the time that one starts thinking about the prospect of starting a family where my marriage started to go downhill. Despite putting in a lot of effort and taking some time off work, I wasn't connecting with my partner; it's also safe to say that we had a lot of differences, especially where starting a family was concerned. At the time I really didn't want to break up but looking back, even though our relationship had none of the horrible crap my previous ones had (cheating, lying, verbal and physical abuse à la my first slut ex), it was still an incompatible relationship between two people who loved each other but weren't meant to be together.

The Leb and his girlfriend gave my now ex wife the final nudge that she needed to break up. I don't wholly blame them for us breaking up, they are definitely somewhat responsible but only really for speeding things up. That doesn't make anything that they did okay (the gaslighting, lying and manipulation to speed things up, which much of I could prove). As for why they even did any of those things, I can't be certain. Why do fucked up people who you'd literally lie down on railroad tracks for, betray you? My final verdict is that it had something to do with the Leb's girlfriend wanting to fuck my wife, she was bisexual and commented about it more than once whilst drunk and that was often because man, the Leb and his girlfriend they drank A LOT. As for the Leb, his part in it was pretty obvious, my wife and him had a lot of behaivoural traits in common and he was a manwhore who couldn't help flirt with anyone he could get within 5 feet of when his girlfriend's back was turned. My ex wife told me after we broke up that he was no exception and had suggested countless times for us to break up (the prick told me that he had countless times tried to talk her out of it). Unlike those other two, my ex wife never gave me any reason not to trust her.

The final proof of everything was on New Years eve. I was at a party whilst my STBXW and the Leb and his girlfriend were having their own little party, as my ex wife had moved in there following our breakup. The Leb drank too much Red Bull (he was addicted to the stuff) and vodka and blurted out that he wanted to fuck my ex wife verbatim. This made his equally drunk girlfriend go ape-shit and bash him over the head with a ceramic fruit bowl, sending him into an epileptic fit that resulted in him being taken away via ambulance on NYE. Listening to the recount from my ex wife over the phone that night as she explained everything that happened made me get such a justice boner I partied like a rockstar and promised myself next year would be excellent.

That would be the end of their 6 year relationship, just over 1 week after my own ended. Karma is a bitch huh?†††††††

I took a 3 month trip back to Australia after my marriage ended. I'd been back a few times but in the past I always hated it and just wanted to leave as soon as I got back. It was always too hot, too busy and too full of low IQ fuckwits who can't even spell common words. Everything is so far away from everything and I felt stranded where my parents lived. I also stupidly felt like coming back to Australia even though it was basically for holiday was somehow like 'failing' being able to live in Finland. In my defense, I definitely wasn't the only one to feel like this and I found it that it's actually a weird common feeling that others have also suffered from. Just another side-effect from living in Finland I guess.

In Australia I had time to reassert myself, see friends, go back to my roots and work on some personal issues. Sadly though the trip cost me my job at the time and set me back another 3 months on my studies. Regardless, it was time well spent and for the first time in almost 10 years I enjoyed the entire time I was in Australia so when I finally stepped foot in Helsinki, I was shocked to get the feeling that Finland was for the first time, the place that felt 'foreign'.

After getting back [to Finland] I stayed with an Australian mate (at the time) of mine who lived in possibly the most backwater shithole I'd ever been in. A place so crap that it gave even Mänttä-Vilppula and Pudasjärvi a run for their money. This place was Hyvinkää, a.k.a suburbia. If someone asked me what was the most depressing place to live in Finland, that's where I would pick.

I got to stay at my mate's place for 1 month for free and I paid him 1 more month after his girlfriend guilt tripped me into it. This was despite my friend never once asking me for money and me knowing that he was getting his rent paid by being deployed in the army (his aunt owned the place so he was paying only utility costs anyway), whilst doing his conscription (he had Finnish citizenship). Still, I was grateful to be there and I kept the place clean and made sure that when he came back for the short time that he did, that I was either not there for a few days so he had privacy and the place to himself (something I didn't even have to do, especially because I ended up paying him for the place), or that at the very least he had food to eat in the fridge and the place was clean. In short, I made sure that he knew how grateful I was and he never had to ask me to do shit.

Whilst living there I endured him and his girlfriend fighting like maniacs. Her behaving like a total manipulative psychopath and him being passive aggressive towards her, knowing exactly how to fuck with her head and manipulate her back. They were perfect for each other. Not. His girlfriend and I were actually good friends and she'd asked me a couple of times how to interpret some of his behaviour, I assume because he and I share the same type of genitals, even though we were really nothing alike except that we also both held an Australian passport. I tried my best to help without getting involved but in the last week of me being there and after a particularly huge fight that made her leave 1 day early, she called me asking for 'advice' whilst he was at the gym. I told her what I always had, that I didn't think the relationship was healthy and that both of them needed to take their heads out of their asses. Even though I'd told her this every time she asked me for advice, she chose this time to get angry at me and accuse me of being a 'traitor and shitty friend' to my mate. What bitch!? You literally called me like any of the other two dozen times you had, asking for advice on how to be a better girlfriend. I never asked to be your relationship counselor, and certainly not for free...

Armed with some completely exaggerated version of our phone-call she called my mate (her boyfriend) and told him a bunch of crap that I didn't actually say. It was literally 0.1% truth (about 3 words) and the rest was complete bullshit. He came back from the gym very sad and confronted me, to which I didn't even know what he was talking about because the story his girlfriend had told him was so completely fake. I set the record straight and thankfully I even had a voice recording of the call because I had for years been using an app that recorded all of my calls for situations such as this. Feeling like a big idiot for accusing me of anything, he apologised for being a dumbass but not before I gave him a piece of my mind about his relationship and his part in it. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay to have to listen to this guy fight with his girlfriend (it was Winter, and I needed a place to study and make up for the time I was away from Finland), say nothing and then get accused of being a disloyal mate by a guy who was actively being a dick to his girlfriend.

I moved out 1 week later on time and neither of us made an effort to speak to each other, so he and I never spoke again. She would tell me later though after things cooled down that she appreciated the help I had given her and that after she found out that he had been cheating on her with his ex from Australia, she hit him in the jaw so hard with his own phone (A Samsung Galaxy S 5) that it actually snapped in half. Obviously she also dumped him. Hallelujah!

I was now in my own place again and it was time to finish my degree once and for all. I dated a few people here but only one person stood out. She seemed okay on our first date, she even invited me back to her place after drinks to watch 'Survivor'. Yes that's all it was, we actually did just watch survivor and she made it clear that's all we'd do. I was totally okay with that, she seemed cool enough. Right up until she ended up bursting into tears randomly in the kitchen whilst we talked about something menial (I think it was the breed of her cat, a Scottish Fold). Apparently she was still not over her boyfriend and they had broken up only 7 days prior. Wew lad! What the shit?! I noped the fuck out of the place as nicely as I could without being a cunt, even though I wanted to just walk straight out the door. She told me I was a cool guy and that she wanted to see where things went, I said Suuure and 1 hour later I called it a night and left. The next few times we spoke I tried letting her down slowly and easily, but ultimately she still got fucked off at me. * Sigh * you really can't fucking win can you?

After that I was pretty much done with dating. Women in Finland were absolutely nuts. It wasn't me. There was actually something seriously wrong with Finnish women. Females in Australia have the problem of getting pregnant too young (or at all) and then winding up single, in the worst shape of their lives and with a kid on their arm. They'll then settle for literally any man that can stand being around their 'precious snookums' for more than 5 minutes, even though he's just looking for some vag and crossing his fingers that the kid is around as little as possible. Finnish women on the other hand, they're just totally psychotic and irrational. Want to file a complaint against this paragraph? Send it to triggered@lol.com. Truth hurts.

In 10 years I dated 2 women who cheated on me and 2 who wanted me to help them cheat on their boyfriends. 4 were liars. 1 hit me with objects and almost choked me to death. 2 of which fucked me over and then tried to hook up with me months/years later. At least 1 stalked me and another dated me only so I would buy her drinks. The worst was a girl from 2009 who was so bitter that I never hit on her, she told a friend of hers (who barely knew me, but was an acquaintance of mine) that I raped her. Which was actually hilarious because by then I hadn't seen that girl in over 5 years! AND I wasn't even in the country on the date the monumental cunt drunkenly lied about it happening. It was probably only because the friend of mine that she lied to, mentioned my name in passing that this other lying swine even remembered me, I'd certainly forgotten all about her unmemorable bitch-ass a long time ago.

Women have no integrity in Finland. This is the truth. It's not just Finns either.

Somewhere in the midst of everything, I dated a French girl who seemed really cool at first. She was fun, beautiful and athletic and we had a lot of things in common. She was also very well read and talented in music and science. We dated for 2 months and I felt like we had some real chemistry. Well, she had an effing boyfriend she was cheating on who was back in France! I saw them totally by chance kissing in the Mc Donald's that now no longer exists which was right opposite the train station in Helsinki. He was a blonde and she told me she didn't even like blonde guys Oh my fucking GAWD. I snapped a photo whilst walking past and sent it to her a few hours later to which she called me and fessed up, begging me not to tell him (I didn't even know who he was! She left that part out at our dates!) Obviously I told her that I hoped the same happened to her in turn and blocked her on Whatsapp. She sent me a freaking regular SMS 2 weeks later inviting me to a 'going away' house party because she was going back to France. We weren't 'together' or anything but as if that made what she did okay. I had half a mind to show up at her own party and expose what a slut she was!

A similar thing happened when I was going to Estonia. My ferry was next morning and I had conveniently organised to stay with a Spanish girl (that I had, had dinner with before and gone on one other small date with) until the next day to catch my boat. After taking the metro to her place it was only there that I saw all the photos and belongings that HER BOYFRIEND owned in their apartment. She didn't even bother to put the numerous photos of them both away. Heck all I needed to see was the Xbox and the games that were there (girls like Playstation, everyone knows that) and I knew something was up. Against her protests I fled the scene immediately and had to organise emergency accommodation with another person at 9PM (whom, thanks to this very situation, to this day is one of my best mates). Whilst I was calling her out and asking 'how could she'via text on the metro going in the opposite direction as fast as possible she blocked me LOL!

So even though the fiasco in the last paragraph had a bit of a happy turn out and I still didn't end up enabling another slut to use my dick to cheat. Facts are facts. Finns, French, Spanish, you name it. In Finland, they're all batshit insane and none can be trusted.

Well! That about does it for the women. Despite making up for a lot of the reason(s) why I left Finland (unless you're asexual what good is living anywhere, where you can't partner material?), they certainly aren't the sole reason I left. One could argue that men and women are assholes everywhere (no shit Sherlock). I'd be inclined to agree if I didn't know any better but I've also met hundreds of people whilst traveling over 35 countries in my 10 years in Europe, these details I leave out of this blog post because they're obviously not very relevant to the topic of why I am going. But I can say that I've had wonderful encounters with people from countries like Switzerland, Luxembourg, Israel, New Zealand, Russia, Cuba, Poland, Latvia, heck you name it. So long as it isn't someone from, or living in Finland. They're much more likely to have some level of integrity and accountability.

Here we are at exactly 7,500 words. Now if you've read a few theses before (and I hope you have) then you'd probably quite snugly set in and on at least your second coffee. I'm allowed 100,000 characters here and I've used 40,000. Now, I can tell you, whilst I don't plan to hit my whole 100k, we are more than half way, but I am not quite done yet.

Now that we're closing in on the and the topic of 'women' is out of the way I can now talk about all of the other reasons that Finland blows chunks and why I pity anyone who lives there.

Have you ever seen a documentary, where some guy or gal starts out with nothing and against all odds, makes a big life for themselves after years of hard work and just a little bit of luck? That doesn't happen in Finland. In Finland, everyone is born into a burdening lifestyle. Now people grow up in Finland thinking that their life is modest, they may not have much but they don't need much. Yet when you fast-forward a few years and gymnasium (high school) is out of the way, now it's time to go to uni or look for work. Yet you're already fucking miserable and probably on SSRIs (anti depressants). Why?

Life is cozy enough isn't it? Kela (Finnish social security) pays you a small allowance for rent and food. It's not much but it's enough to keep the lights on, your stomach full, phone bill paid and even let you buy the odd game or two or fund your shitty diet of candy and other bullshit.††††††††

Everyone is miserable though. If apes could read the first thing they'd probably learn is that Finland has one of the highest rates of depression and suicide worldwide.

  • “It's because people are introverted!”
  • “We're misunderstood!”
  • “The cold climate is to blame!”
  • “It's all Sweden/Russia/Nazi Germany's fault!” (ancient history Pekka, get over it)
  • “Everything is so expensive here!” (this one is true)

Bullshit. People in Finland are miserable because they're born into one of the most burdening lifestyles on earth, and if they aren't born into it, they move to Finland and literally adopt a burdening lifestyle. Name one other country that actually envies Finland or Finns, I bet you fucking can't.

Finland is one of the most bureaucratic nations of earth. Sometime, somewhere, some dumb fucks decided that you needed papers for everything. This is a fact as old as time itself and something mocked even by comedians on television over 30 years ago [that video is actually hilarious]. At the time of my writing, I have been waiting 4 months, 3 weeks and 4 days to have my foreign license converted into a Finnish driver's license. I'm sure you're asking why? I'm leaving/have left haven't I? Obviously I'd like to have an EU license for driving within the EU. The point is that I paid the fee to have it done (50 euros) and I have been waiting since February (it is now mid June) to have something done, that would have taken less than a fortnight in my home country. What the fuck is the point of having such high taxes in Finland if I need to wait a third of a year to get a driving license changed? “They're trying to make me desperate enough that I need to pay the 2000 euros it costs to get my license here from scratch.” Suddenly an otherwise paranoid type of guess like that doesn't seem so far-fetched.

The truth is that people in this country are incompetent as fuck. Call up the migration office and ask them how to get a Permanent residence permit changed into a P-EU permit (from one that gives you the right to live in just Finland permanently, to one that also gives you freedom of movement within the EU, without having to have EU citizenship). No one knows the answer and the website only has instructions for applying for a P-EU permit if you have a temporary A-class permit. Calling someone at the department results in being connected with a complete fucking moron who will just read out the very website you're looking at and have already read and searched high-and-low a dozen times. Not good enough? Well you can call up on Tuesday, between 10AM and 11AM (I'm not even fucking joking) and talk to a 'specialist' that is available ONE day a week for ONE hour. Fucking do it. Actually go to Migri's website and call them and tell me I'm fucking lying.

Apply this bullshit to literally anything you want to do. Want (read: need) to get proof of your Finnish language skills by doing the YKI-test? Hah you better stay up until the stroke of midnight on the day that you can apply to book and do the test and hope to god you're lucky enough to get a place at a testing center IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE that is only 350 kilometres from where you live at starting at around 8AM! Then pay the 150 euro fee to sit in a room for 3 hours and do an exam that doesn't even come with free cheap-ass coffee. Then wait THREE months for your result.

Want to apply for citizenship? That's a 9 month wait. A residence permit? 3 months minimum (if you're from a good country and not Iraq, Morocco, Lebanon, Turkey or China etc, otherwise it's 6-9 months). Need an appointment at the police station? 3 weeks waiting list for a 45 minute appointment (c'mon recording fingerprints and a quick exchange of documents takes only 20 minutes MAX). If you're in a rush, you'll also have to journey hundreds of kilometers into the middle of nowhere to a police station that has shorter queues.

Don't even get me started on the wait times for doctors and mental health professionals oh my god. Everyone and I mean everyone in Finland knows someone who literally committed suicide whilst waiting to get mental health treatment there. Some people wait more than 6 months and need to see over 4 doctors before they are 'approved' for treatment and are able to see the first therapist available. You better hope to hell that's the only one you need to see also and that you don't want to/or need to change your therapist either. Then you better hope that you only need to see them once a week or two, because that's all the time they have for you. Either that, or you better be fucking rich and be able to pay for it yourself because the government isn't going to subsidize shit! They're too busy paying to be a part of the EU!

But wait, there's more! What if you want therapy in English, you know because Finland is such a shitty place for foreigners and it's so hard for you dear reader to learn the language and integration here is such a thankless, time consuming task. Well I've got news for you. None of the therapists can speak English here. You have a better chance of walking on water than finding a fluent English speaking therapist that has at least a decent level of experience. The first person that opens up a fairly priced therapy chain in multiple cities that has native English speaking therapists and counselors will be the fastest overnight millionaire in Finland. There's a free business tip. Unless you have been living under a rock you should know just how many depressed and totally lost people there are here who don't speak (read: can't/incapable/too lazy to learn) Finnish but can't get therapy in English.

Thank god that many universities also have a student counselor that you can get therapy from right? Wrong again dickhead! Because they are so monumentally booked out months and months in advance (or literally indefinitely) thanks to fucking assholes who are doing the utter bare minimum of studies and using every single extension possible to push their tuition into the literal SIXTH YEAR just so they can get free therapy from the university counselor. How do I know this? Because I've dated Finnish women duh and had to listen to students complain about this my whole time here.

So things are fucked, what can you do? “Fuck it, I'll just get drunk and forget about it all.” Hah you wish. Finland has some of the highest alcohol prices on earth, so good luck with that! Want to smoke away your problems at 4:20PM? Good luck again, though neither of these are necessarily a huge negative, or maybe a negative at all. The facts stand that Finland is still a country somehow full of alcoholics (and abusive ones might I add) and also still a country run by old crippling men and women (read: boomers) that don't know the first thing about what the nation needs. All they know is that muh drugs = bad and taxes = good! Why else have students gradually been paid less and less each year whilst the euro also slowly loses value? Why else do conscripts whom are forced to go the army for 9-12 months get paid what amounts to pennies), and have to remain deployed for at least 5 days a week (and sometimes up to 7 days). Why else has the country dropped free higher education to foreigners in favour of a 'fee based' tuition system, whilst at the same time cutting 80% of government funding from universities in Finland, resulting in a minimum 2 year crippling period of higher education countrywide. You [politicians] cunts killed the ONE thing we were known worldwide for, apart from depression and suicide rates of course. Thanks!

So you get paid not even enough to live off noodles whilst studying. Have to pay tuition if you're foreign and aren't married or already employed (why would you be studying then?) If you want citizenship you need to wait until the age of 30 to get it if you don't want to have to waste 1 year of your life in the army getting yelled at and lying in mud and snow only to end up with even worse depression and possible PTSD from doing your service, whilst gradually losing all muscle mass as you wind up with a caloric deficit 5 days a week (protip: eat loads of peanuts). All to live in a country where you need work experience and/or documents to land a cleaning job and make more than €11.50 an hour, which is literally less than half the average wage in Australia. So you can call up public health when you get sick because you have trash tier genes (face it, I know you have lactose intolerance) and/or shitty diet and no healthy hobbies, or because you are inhaling ludicrous amounts pollen and dust in the air that would make the leaded petrol crisis look like darn good eatin'! Because you can't really afford private treatment at €150 per consultation, (the fucking admin fee is €25 on its own) and literally beg and plead to someone who doesn't speak any English on the phone (because they aren't even required to) for them to let you see a public doctor today (the day you're actually sick) and not 3 weeks in the future.

Wait learn Finnish then huh? So you'll have a better chance of getting a job and integrating. Sure, like a 5% better chance. Finland still has one of the highest levels of nepotism of any country on the planet. One of the greatest gifts a family can give their kids in this country is literally a job at what-ever fast food restaurant/general store they've been working at most of their own miserable lives. Everyone else has to apply for literally hundreds upon hundreds of jobs, utterly fucking inundating the employer(s) with applications that will never be read; thus making your chances of actually landing a job as likely as winning the Sunday powerball jackpot. Besides how long do you think it'll take you to learn professional level Finnish, aka. good enough Finnish that you can basically speak it without so much as a second thought. Two years you think? Three? Fuck off. This is Finnish we're talking about, not Spanish. People who learn professional level Finnish in that amount of time are practically already polyglots or people with previous skill in learning languages, or those who speak a similar mother tongue already like Estonian or Hungarian. If you speak Swedish or Norwegian you might be lucky enough to increase your chances of 'employ-ability' by another bare 5% percent. If you speak Russian, maybe another 2% (up to 5% in the far East). For everyone else though, it doesn't matter if you have the most amazing glowing reviews, a dual Master's and even a PhD. You're just another guy in line with ten thousand other guys who literally have the same credentials and who still can't find work. God forbid you're a 'tradie' with no university degree. Then you're REALLY fucked mate! Everything in Finland is done by companies and it takes 3 people here to legally screw in a lightbulb or even install a bloody fire alarm. One to screw it in, one to hold the ladder and one to hold an iPad and write down that it was done. That also means your bill for something simple is going to be much more than it would back in Australia, or anywhere else where it does only take one qualified person to do the job.

Ah but then you'll just open up your own business! Do you really think that Finns or anyone in Finland for that matter is going to buy your shit you stupid ulkomaalainen? Finns first and foremost aren't remotely known for their ritzy lifestyles or extravagant spending habits. Not only that but they're often the type to throw away job applications if the surname on them isn't Finnish. So what makes you think they're going to buy anything you want to sell to them? If you take even half a glance at the economy in Finland you'd also notice that it's been stale for over a decade and even though Finland is actively campaigning and begging people to open up their own business, they aren't going to lower the ridiculous prices and taxes it costs to do so. Besides, the push to create new businesses and thus hopefully more/new jobs is only so the government can sustain the ridiculous welfare handouts that it gives to asylum seekers and people who will never do an honest day's work in their whole life here. A well oiled, well operating country doesn't need to literally beg it's citizens to found more startups. Go on, you know you want to come here on that shitty permit and throw your entire life and savings away in an economy that has about as much momentum as a beached whale.

So what do you do? If you're a real waste of oxygen, then you wind up on the IESAF Facebook page and you bitch consistently about your shitty life, how racist Finns are and at the same time still try to convince everyone that you totally aren't depressed despite having nothing positive to say, ever. Hah! Yet you're still sitting on your ass with 90% free time whilst the other 10% you spend procrastinating when you should be looking for a job because let's face it you realised how bad it was in the first 2 weeks and already gave up you pussy. In the meantime your Finnish partner is paying and doing everything and you're making up only 1/6th of the funds you share (you're costing 50% of the upkeep though) and that's only thanks to gubment handouts. But hey, who cares? You're in Finland and it beats being back in your own country right? Right?! No.

Finland, truly sucks, friend. Everything from the music to the unnatural amount of mosquitoes there. How bad does a country have to be to literally get music this. fucking. bad?

“At least you didn't mention the obvious one, the weather” I'm glad you asked! You mean how for 6 months the country is almost completely unlivable. Where if you forget to plug in the car, it'll actually break and you'll miss work. Where you will slip over at least 10 times per Winter and bash your knees. Where you'll spend 95% of your time indoors unless you're even more unfortunate enough to have to work a job that requires you to be outside in sub zero temperatures. If you thought you'd get paid a little extra for that too then think again. Maybe if you're some sad sack that has to work on scaffolding in Finland in the freezing wind you might make a bit more money per month in the Winter. I certainly hope you don't own a motorcycle, pushbike or scooter because it's going to be useless 6 months of the year. Also forget about skateboarding and any sports requiring a bit of an incline because Finland is also completely flat. In all fairness, the Summer in Finland is really nice, if only it lasted 300 more days...

Somewhere freezing Somewhere freezing in Finland

Want to buy a car? You're in luck, Finland has one of the highest vehicle taxes on earth. Oh so you'll just import your own? Have fun paying the other and larger tax for that. If it's a luxury car or an old car you'll also be up for another separate 'luxury/vintage car tax'. If your car was manufactured outside of the EU and/or your steering wheel is located on the other side, you might be up for a couple hundred/thousand to have the lights redesigned so they don't blind everyone else driving here when it's snowy outside. If that's not possible, then you can pay to import the car and let it sit in your garage gathering dust. But at least you can sit in your car, whilst it's parked in your garage and pretend you're driving it, just close your eyes and use your imagination!

What if you have family in Finland and Mum, Dad or Grandma or Grandpa to leave you a nice house to live in, maybe even a Mökki. Allow me to introduce to you, Finland's inheritance tax. That's right Pekka! Even if your family paid off literally their entire mortgage or built their own house from the ground up, YOU have to pay to have it transferred into your ownership when the owner dies, otherwise the bank gets it. Your kids are no exception too, they'll ALSO have to pay to take it from you when you die. You see in Finland NOTHING is free. We have gift tax too and I won't even go into how Finland (meaning you because you live in Finland) pays pretty much the highest VAT on goods including those imported from outside the EU. Face it mate, you are quite literally fucked unless you're already rich enough to pay to inherit your family's lovely heirloom house that you grew up in, and can guarantee that your kids will also be able to. That means you need to sell the home and contents (it's all taxable matey), and guess what you silly fuck. You're paying tax on that sale too because that's considered a form of income. You see, Finland has you so literally by the short and curlies that you can't even take a dump in a public toilet in a town here without paying 2 euros for the pleasure. Welcome to the most capitalist nation on earth. Have fun trying to tell anyone how any of this is fair, especially when you take into account that much of this money goes towards Finland's EU membership fees and not into better roads or more hospitals or schools for your children.

So the climate sucks, it's expensive, health care is shit and women are psychos. Fair enough then, you'll make guy friends! Heck, you'll just make friends in general. Friends will fix everything! Wait the Finnish language barrier 'blocks your path'. Do you speak Finnish? If yes, no problem then the only thing in your way is the fact that you live in a country with one of the highest populations of introverted social cripples on earth. Besides, Finns already have too many friends. The 4 or 5 people they met in school are too many for them to barely keep in contact with. There's no room for you, you stupid naive extroverted bastard... Get back to grovelling and smothering your Finnish partner for attention.

So what's left? Netflix, (or Anime if you like that instead) and computer games of course! An eternity of playing games with yourself and watching 6 hours a day of brain cancer inducing series or cartoons. Face it dude, you won't be able to afford much else living on student or unemployment payments, which you're going to be stuck on for almost the entire time you're here whilst you try to convince yourself that somehow all of this is still better than being back in your home country. But that's okay, I've heard that people living on a steady diet of Netflix are only, 5 times more likely to feel lonely, 3 times more likely to be depressed and two times as likely to feel anxious, sleepless and empty. Source

Ok. Ok. That has to be everything right? Not even close my friend.

Did you know that Finland is also one of the most racist countries in the EU? C'mon do people from a country with the issues I'm describing behave in a tolerant and accepting manner of others? Of course they don't! They're miserable and secretly hate anyone who isn't like them. I guess we can all be a little racist though (maybe), so if you're only part-Black/Latino/Asian you'll probably be okay. But if you're someone who cares about minorities and people other than yourself and people that come from third-world countries I doubt you're going to be impressed with the vibe Finnish people have towards people like that. God forbid you're actually someone from a third world country... because then you'll get to enjoy their world leading racism towards Africans. Hmm. Finland is literally somehow higher than an ultra segregationist country like Austria...

On the off chance you're a racist and thinking that the above sounds great, well I've got news for you asshole. Syrjintä (discrimination) in any form is illegal in Finland. That's hate speech mate. Whilst I don't condone this shit at all, having been a victim of it through multiple workplaces and in public passing starting all the way back in 2009 with people who didn't think I could understand Finnish. Finland is certainly a country that has no clear definition of 'freedom of speech'. So if you're looking for a country that you can be your free speaking or racist self in, you'll have to keep looking.

Okay so I know you're thinking “C'mon dickhead, Finland isn't that bad, it can't be”. It can be better my friend (YMMV obviously) but it can also be even worse. My view is a somewhat anecdotal (duhh) recount slash review, with some studies and articles thrown in for good measure. Maybe you're coming here to start a family because your pathetic lazy ass couldn't hack it in a country that isn't up to its neck in issuing unsustainable welfare handouts for new families (hahahahahahaha fuck I don't envy you in the slightest mate!)††††††††† or perhaps you've a job lined up or already have Finnish citizenship as a dual national/passport holder and even already speak Finnish despite having never lived there. So you're a minor exception then to the other 90% of people who land in Finland bright eyed and bushy tailed with no prior language knowledge (can't even say 'Hello' with the correct grammar, let alone count to 10 in Finnish). You'll have a slightly easier time then. Passport holders will save the mileage of needing to worry about permits and a few hundred euros in applications, whilst also not having to be married or keep a job to be able to stay in Finland, good for you! Finnish language speakers will be able to socialise a bit more, watch/read YLE and all those trash tier comedies like Putous (muh Finnish language value, no seriously why even life if you watch this kind of trash?) and have a bit of an easier time navigating the country and possibly finding work.

Regardless of whether or not you do or don't have any of these bonuses and you do still make it through the door here, and even if you do manage to learn the language and find employment. You're stuck in the middle of a fucking desert. You're still living in a country with all of the problems I described, no matter how much you deny it Pekka/Laura. A country that hasn't seen any economic growth in decades. A country with no 'service', where no one has any incentive to work one percent harder than their contract dictates because there's fuck all opportunities for a promotion or a raise. A country where you absolutely must do things 'by-the-book' (read: law) and everyone is terrified of making mistakes. Okay, so you will work a job that will be enough to live in Finland modest;y and maybe, just maybe you will end up with your very own Mökki that your kids (and theirs) will have to pay thousands in tax to inherit.

Just remember that everyone in Sweden, Norway and Denmark are making up to 70% more money and enjoying a far higher quality of life than you. When they aren't making more than you literally just because they live in a different country where the cost of living isn't even much higher (Sweden) or is only a bit higher (Denmark) or even if it is quite a bit higher (Norway). They're still living it up on their personal private yacht every other day, actually socializing, popping bottles of champagne and driving a better car somewhere far nicer compared to anyone in Finland. Their kids will also get a better education and they'll ultimately be living in a less racist, less cold (both physically and emotionally) and a more economically balanced nation where integration is pretty much a non-issue and the native language doesn't take a decade for the average person to learn fluently.

Still want to live in Finland? Well enjoy your ignorance, it must be convenient. You can have that shit and keep it. This Australian has already moved to another country where (among many other things) the prospect of owning my own personal yacht isn't a total pipe dream.

Australia Why did I ever think that going from this... (Date 16/12/2014)

Finland ...to this would be a good idea? (Date 06/11/2014)††††††††††

Had to end the post somewhere. Congrats you made it. Now if you haven't already, you can read the footnotes and or share this article to others. You could also try to make me out to be some kind of depressed, pessimistic loner asshole ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) with a personal vendetta against Finland and Finns and appeal to others for pathetic internet points or 'likes' on social media.†††††††††† Go for your life my friend. One thing I can say that is absolutely for certain (apart from everything else I've literally written here): I truly, deeply don't give a shit what you think hope that you never have to go through any of the bullshit that I explained. I hope that Finland is literally everything you ever dreamed like I kept telling myself it would be for me. I hope you help fix so many of the problems Finland is suffering from and I hope that you are one of its many missing pieces. I know for a fact though that 10 years was enough of an attempt for me to leave my mark and make the most of the time I spent there. I know didn't throw in the towel. I just changed the rules of the game and moved to redouble my efforts elsewhere because only a real fool doesn't know when he's pissing against the wind. I only wish I had something to show for my 10 years of Finnish language, because even though I started learning this language since the age of 17 and was doing 5 days a week in courses by the age of 18. Knowing fluently might as well be as useful as knowing Klingon, but far less cool.

Peace and stay stoic because you're gonna need to if you want to live survive in Finland.

*P.S. I know of course that my tone in this post doesn't remotely resemble someone 'stoic', and that is obviously the point. As Epictetus became a stoic most likely because he was born a slave. Living in Finland pretty much made me a stoic. It is our experiences that truly shape us into who we are. This post is an anything but an attempt to explain or represent my life or Finland/Finns or anything for that matter, as if I were a stoic. It is perhaps instead one of the final things I write as a man whom has, after a long time allowed himself the 'luxury of complaining' and no longer living in denial that Finland was where I would be the happiest and feel the most 'at home'.*


EDIT: I can't believe I forgot to mention one important thing.

Even Finns hate Finland!

You could even say that they hate Finland the most! So really before you call me a racist, pessimistic 'Finland-hating-bastard', please remember what country and what kind of people I'm talking about here. If you're also an Australian or literally anyone from a nice warm country with a booming economy then you have definitely heard the following, countless times btw whilst in Finland: “Why on earth would you move from 'x' to live in Finland?” FROM FINNS THEMSELVES. I used to laugh such comments off and dig deep to find reasons why I would rather not live in Australia, but I certainly can't say that I wasn't warned and I'd bet you were also warned.

FINAL EDIT: I cleaned up some grammar errors and added a bit more about taxes. For more articles on different topics (probably nothing to do with Finland now though as it's miles in the rear-view), check back to this blog in the future. Ciao!


†Video content of Finland was incredibly hard to find back in 09 on YouTube. Of my playlist of old Finnish videos I found in 2009-2010, out of 141 videos, only 27 haven't been deleted or removed after 9-10 years*.

††In reality I was a big fish in the country's biggest shithole and there was a good reason why no other Australians were there. That obviously made me 'king shit of absolutely nothing'.

†††”Omg did you just actually mention their nationalities??!” Yes I did and I pray that your politically correct ass never has to meet people like these pricks. Send your complaints to idontgiveashit@hotmale.com

††††Actually true of all Finns. They'll try and tell you otherwise but please do ask them to explain how philanthropic and interested they are in other people by naming any good deeds they've done. Such as giving a shit about you and your life, donating to charity and/or doing anything other than playing games, drinking beer, watching sport and TV and crying about work and/or study obligations. Finns don't know the meaning of real “friendship”. A “deep and meaningful” is 6 hours in front of the TV or computer for them. For a fun game, ask a Finn who they find is 'inspirational'. Answers will be 'umm' followed by 'err' where 20s-30s will answer with 'Elon Musk' 40s will probably say “Ellen” or Martti Ahtisaari (the only decent Finnish bloke on earth), 50s and boomers will answer Tarja Halonen with some Finnish bastard that drew a famous (in Finland only) pencil drawing or wrote a poem some time back in the 30s.

†††††This is something that Finns are guilty of way more than you could ever imagine. Reddit, Finlandforum.org and Facebook groups are FULL of Finns going full retard after dumping their partner and doing anything and everything to try and get them to leave the country. Manipulation, stealing, lying and any and all forms of assholery are tools at their disposal. I don't know what it is about some Finns post-breakup but they're threatened by anyone being able to make it in Finland without their help.

††††††On an off-note she contacted me on Instagram almost 5 years later looking for “sum dik” and I didn't miss the opportunity to remind her what a cunt she is.

†††††††Leb's girlfriend contacted me a few weeks after I came back from a 3 month break in Australia after my ex wife and I broke up. My ex got around to tell her that I was back so she called me drunk telling me how we were pretty much a perfect match and she'd always thought we should have just 'swapped partners'. I got an invitation over to her place and I may have accepted because despite all the gaslighting and bullshit which I couldn't be sure she wasn't a part of, we did have a lot of things in common and in the looks department she was certainly my 'type'. The timing was bad though and I was still hurt from breaking up with my ex wife, on top of that I wasn't sure about her level of involvement in speeding up my breakup in the first place. So I told her I'd call her sometime but never did. In the interest of full disclosure, I tried getting in contact with her about a year later but she'd changed numbers. I'd say that was a blessing in disguise actually and that was not my finest moment.

††††††††Finns generally have the worst diet I've ever seen. Though being vegan, I can say this generally about any one person or country. The average 18-29 year old Finnish resident's shopping list consists of loads of cheap 320-370g Grandiosa pre-made pizzas (french fries/onion rings), milk, mince/chicken, ham, cheese, bread and maybe some shitty spread. They buy exorbitant amounts of candy, utterly grotesque amounts actually and jesus christ do they drink WAY too soft drink (fucken energy drink addicts) and CHIPS! OH MY GOD THE FUCKING CHIPS!?! Until I came here I'd never seen so many different kinds of chips and the prices for what is just baked and salted potato slices! Everything has vitun milk powder in it, so despite an otherwise totally vegan list of ingredients, 95% of brands aren't even vegan and just come at an inflated amount of calories.

†††††††††Let me just say that Finland has had a declining birthrate for decades for some very good reasons. Fun fact, domestic violence is pretty prevalent here and Finland is experiencing an explosion in pedophilia and child sexual predators. So bullshit aside, please control your anger and for the love of god, keep an eye on your children if you have any or bring any to Finland.

††††††††††If the dates seem confusing, it's because I went to Australia 1 month and 10 days after the first image (in Finland) but I put them in the opposite order for context to add to the fact of how I kept lying to myself that Finland was a better place to live. Even and especially despite everyone saying I was crazy to move from Australia and want to live in Finland.

†††††††††††Before you do this, remember though that I came to Finland at the age of 17 and already knew quite a bit of the language before arriving. I came with a ton (in the tens of thousands) of money saved up and I worked on getting integrated immediately whilst I was young. I've worked here almost the entire time (mostly thanks to nepotism but I also know the language and I had a metric fuck-ton of luck), I also have a good passport (Australia) and I'm not unfortunate looking (both do matter everywhere), am charismatic and extroverted and basically everything Finland and Finns aren't. So naturally I stick out, sure some things are going to affect me much more good/bad than others but I certainly arrived here with far better odds than most people, basically anyone except people who already have a degree. Making a life here for yourself in 2019 is not easier than it was in 2009. It's much, much harder. Technology has not helped and the euro is only roughly 11 cents higher than it was in 2009 (0.50 then vs 0.61 now). There is more segregation here now. More drama, more racism, more nepotism, more depression, and more ways to sink into depression. If you really think you are an exception to everything I mentioned, you better bloody well actually be one, for your sake. I still wish you luck.