Your beard (facial hair) makes you look lazy

“You know that guy in your neighbourhood that owns a large garden hedge that spans the entire front length of his house. Whether or not it actually blocks the view of an otherwise nice front porch or does passersby a favour by obscuring an otherwise shitty view of his property. The point here is that your neighbour is the only one who personally gives a shit about that hedge. You don't care if that hedge was there or not, your neighbours don't give a shit and ultimately his wife wouldn't care if it was there or not either.”

Your beard is exactly like that. A ridiculous and completely unnecessary accessory to your face.

Just like a garden hedge, a beard is almost entirely personal to each man. In the case where a woman isn't somehow involved, men grow beards for a variety of reasons. It's not even worth mentioning any of these reasons though because absolutely none of them are good enough to justify having a beard.

Give me a break

Think of someone you look up to, it can be anyone. Now, is it a woman? Does she have a beard? I bet she doesn't. If it's a man, does he have a beard? I bet he doesn't.

Now think of someone with a life and/or status that you would like to aspire to. Do the same thing. Does that person have a beard? If you aren't a total waste of space, then they probably won't.

Before you start rolling your eyes. Take a very quick scroll through this list of the most 100 respected and popular celebrities in the world.

Notice anything? Almost ALL of them are clean shaven. Apart from a very small amount of men who have a goatee or a small mustache, i.e. something that adds a little flavour to their character, and is also something they actually work to maintain. The overwhelming majority of people on this list are facial hair free, unless that facial hair is literally part of their 'brand' (ergo. Johnny Depp and Hugh Jackman). In fact, you have to scroll down to number 68 to find the first neck-bearded motherfu- and lo' and behold it's Zach Galifianakis, someone whose beard is literally part of his brand.

Let's go back even further. Check out these guys:

James Dean Image – James Dean

No beard

Steve McQueen Image – Steve McQueen

No beard

Sean Connery Image – Sean Connery

No beard

Okay so you're not planning on being one of the world's most famous male actors any time soon. So what? Why should you cripple your attractiveness so severely by growing a beard?

Notice how you feel more apathetic towards yourself when you let your beard grow out. It's almost as though the manifestation of your feelings towards your own self was quite literally visible as a physical thing on your face there for anyone else to see. This happens in a myriad of ways to anyone who gives even two fucks about their appearance. Just like anyone slowly starts to feel unmotivated and dissatisfied with their appearance after putting on unwanted weight; allowing your body to grow too much hair in such an important area is a burden to your happiness.

The hygiene argument. Do you have any idea just how many pimples and blackheads are lurking underneath your beard? Have you ever wondered why your beard can get so itchy? It's not just the feeling of hair growing through your skin. Shaving after a month or more always reveals the odd pimple or blackhead or two.

The age argument. Even children from the youngest age know that a shaved man looks younger than an unshaven man. No one in their right mind should ever want to look 'older'. More muscular and fit perhaps. More active, more friendly, more intelligent, more mature, more respectable and more approachable. Yeah sure to all of those. Older though? Unless you're 25 and look like a 12 year old without some hair on your face. Shaving will put you one huge leap closer to any of those positive traits I mentioned above. Also take chest hair for example, that shit adds at least another 10 years to your perceived age and is a real turn-off to 99% of women. Do you really think having a beard is any different?

Now comes the time to debunk all of your shitty arguments for having a beard:

I have terrible acne and I use my beard to hide it

I feel bad for you son, but that's no excuse. Do a decent careful shave with a good razor, use aftershave (this is a must) and then do a natural facial peel. You can get it professionally done or even make your own at home, for just a few bucks. Use Google and Youtube to learn how to do it properly. After doing a facial peel, use an electric razor (to not damage your skin with a manual razor) so you can keep your beard hair down. When your skin is healed, get a high quality razor and use any facial scrub (I haven't needed one for years but I used this one when I was younger) and any half-decent cleanser. Stay away from moisturizers or anything that makes your skin oily. Also consider changing your shitty diet (protip: go vegan, 1, 2, 3). I'll make a separate post on the innumerable benefits of veganism sometime but obviously eating food with hormones and bacteria in it is going to make your skin look like shit. Either way, if you don't want to change your diet on top of everything else, start with a facial scrub and use an aftershave (Brut and Old Spice are great) and go for a peel if you need further results.

I always break out in acne after shaving!

Use a clean, high quality razor and actually use aftershave. Also stop scratching your ass and balls and then rubbing your face. If you wash your face once in the morning and once at night you won't break out on your face. Pay attention to your hygiene...

But razors, shaving cream and aftershave cost money!

Actually get a job you fucking economy peasant...

Shaving takes so much time / I don't have time to shave

Shaving takes less than 2 minutes if you do it semi-regularly and don't shave only once every few months. The best time to shave is usually once every 2-3 days. Attach a cheap mirror to the wall of your shower and shave whilst showering you lazy fuck. Most people do it in the morning after brushing their teeth. Instead of jerking off any time you get the urge, you could also give your face, jaw and neck a once over with a razor.

I have a big Adam's apple and/or I always wind up cutting myself!

Congrats, you have a clear indication of your sex, a good sized Adam's apple is something to be proud of. Use a decent shaving cream and shave slowly around that part of your neck dummy and don't shave the same spot too much, just once in two different directions is enough with a good razor. Also don't apply too much pressure and don't use a back-and-forth motion there so the blade doesn't nick your skin. Finally, if you're cutting yourself because there's a lot of fat on your face then try and lose some weight.

I don't like the feeling of shaving

Would you rather look like a lazy shit that doesn't give a fuck about his life? I don't like the feeling of brushing my teeth, actually it's maybe the only thing I actually really hate on earth. I still do it two times a day because it's better than getting a bloody root canal. Spending 60 seconds every 2-3 days shaving is better than an eternity of loneliness.

My girlfriend (boyfriend, for the gays) says they like my beard

So what? It's YOUR face. Your partner should like what YOU want to look like and they should be attracted to that. Face it, the only people who care about beards are suspiciously young girls who date much older men or women who have low standards. A beard is an eyesore. Every woman (hetero or otherwise) appreciates a good male jawline free from hair. Men should follow suit.

I like having something to scratch

Well I've heard that running your grubby fingers through your beard is great for your hygiene! No really, get a stress ball or do something else. You can still have a little bit of hair on your face to scratch if you want without utterly nuking your physical attractiveness. A bit of hair on your face does not a beard make.

Why do you even care if people grow a beard or not?

When you look at any of these stud muffins and their utterly perfect jawline that is completely devoid of hair. What do you feel? Are you a soulless, apathetic fuck, or do you think “Damn, what a man”? If you don't care, I've got news for you. Other people do care. Your partner cares and your partner might only maybe think twice if one of the clean shaven hunks on that list above invited them to a private dinner at home with nice music. Get real dude. Everyone knows that people who surround themselves with nice, visually appealing things – lead better and more fulfilling lives. Make no mistake, your beard IS, like all other parts of your body and things you wear or surround yourself with – a reflection of yourself. The difference is, a shitty beard takes absolutely no effort to grow (just don't touch it) and there is no such thing as a good beard.

My kids like my beard

Do you want your daughter to grow up and fall in love with some lazy neckbeard wanker who doesn't know how to shave, probably doesn't shower or wash their face regularly and also probably drinks too much IPA? No. Do you want your son to wind up looking like a pedo basement dweller in his teens? Obviously not. So teach your boy how to shave and be the role model that your kids need you to be. Hair free is carefree.

It's embarrassing but don't know how to shave...

We have the internet. “I don't know how” hasn't been a valid excuse in decades. Actually man up, right this instant.

Jokes on you! My beard is part of my 'brand' or 'image'

Tell me, are you famous? Of course you aren't and even if you were just a little bit popular like one of those moronic streamers that always dyes their hair some new colour every month. That streamer's hair colour isn't part of their brand. It's them doing what they can to stay relevant by changing something cheap, easy and ultimately irrelevant about themselves. Your beard is the same thing. Unless you are literally this guy you know, that bodyguard dude you keep seeing in action movies these days with the curly mustache. Unless you are him and your beard is literally the only thing that makes you memorable, you're not allowed to grow facial hair.

Statistically women are okay with beards

Men are born with facial hair and unless you have a problem with your genetics or you are a woman, you will grow a beard. Statistically people are generally pretty used to things that they come into contact with often. Just because women might entertain the idea of having a beard does not mean that it is the most attractive option, and therefore 'recommended' for men to have one. Besides, a woman who doesn't find you attractive without a beard is a shallow cunt whom should be scorned.

If I shave my beard what do I do with my sideburns?

That's up to you. My advice is pick a matching hairstyle. The best one for you will be the one that you like the most.

What about my other body hair?

Shave your meat. Always. This is not a debate. Men and women, shave your stuff. We all know that it's better looking, more hygienic et cetera. The same goes for your beard and if you're a woman then shave your legs if you don't want to be seen as having a mental condition or as someone who doesn't give a shit about her appearance (aka what a man looks like with a beard). Men wax your chest if you're unfortunately one of those hairy types. Look at laser surgery if you really have a growth problem. Looking nice generally does cost money. Why do you think people spend thousands on nice white capped teeth? Because people do notice and people do care.


Now in the interest of fairness and to give men whom are proud of their beards a chance to defend themselves. I decided to do a little activity. I popped over to /r/beards (aka beardcirclejerking) and sorted by TOP > ALL TIME. This shows the most upvoted submissions to this subreddit, i.e. those that other bearded (mostly) and non-bearded (still a significant amount) men think are quality posts and/or desirable/appealing beards.

Now without further ado, allow me to clear the crap out of your eyes once-and-for-all and show really just how stupid 'beard culture' is.

Below is a screenshot (at the time of this writing) on the most popular (upvoted) submissions on the /r/beards subreddit. I will go through them one by one just below.


Let's start with the first few threads shall we?


Coming out at No.1 is a sympathy post about a guy who apparently went through chemotherapy, who probably never had anything more than a neckbeard in the first place. That is, it's not even a submission with an actual beard.


The same thing as No.1 (another chemo related post) but this guy actually has, or what's left of his junkie coke addict looking never-shaved bike gang beard and mustache combo. Complete with a “muh beard rules” shirt for maximum Reddit karma effectiveness.


Literally “upvote this”” of a guy who has 5 times as much hair under his nose as he does above it. Why the fuck would you ever want to look like this? On top of that, he clearly combs his beard and I wouldn't be surprised if he even dyes it, and that's partly why he keeps the hair on his head so short. Either that, or he's compensating for the fact that he's already going bald. I'll let you decide which.


Literal 'gay pride' between two old guys with nothing but lazy, zero effort neckbeards. Barely even 'beard related' and probably got 90% of its upvotes from people who would have felt like a homophobe if they had scrolled past it without upvoting.


An out of shape looking ranga with a huge beard. I'll give my man a few points for at least doing his hair nicely and fully committing to the '1920s/bachelor' bartender/blackjack dealer look. This is one of those posts that really confuses me because if this guy got in shape and cut the beard, he'd still look a whole lot better than this. To me this looks more like a guy under a 'you must have a beard to work here' requirement and who did his best considering the circumstances.


A literal fucking “upvote this” thread with a picture of Eminem rocking a bit of facial hair that is barely passable as a 'beard'. C'mon guys... what kind of low quality shit passes for upvotes or beards in this sub? People are actually upvoting a photo of Eminem where he could pass off as literally any basic white-collar, Wallmart, shelf packing mother fucker. What a joke.


Literally 'muh religion', with a pinch of “Hey I curl my mustache a bit” again because 'muh religion'. Nothing remotely unique or praiseworthy. Also notice that sheer amount of dangling beard strands which shows that this guy doesn't even trim. Women are not interested in this shit my guy.


Literally “upvote this coz I'm black”. Just look at the title for fucks sake. Another “if you scroll past without upvoting, you're racist” thread. Guy looks like fucking Mr. T with a nose ring, which sure as hell isn't a compliment. Notice that he also doesn't do anything to maintain his beard and is also out of shape... Are we seeing a pattern yet?


LITERAL FUCKING “WHY SO FEW BLACK PEOPLE HERE?!” thread. I'm basically fucking done. Neckbeard quality post from a guy with a literal neckbeard. Guy looks about 5”3' from the photo and about as wide as tree trunk. Please tell me you can see the pattern here...


“Why no beards in the white house for 122 years?!” Oh gee I wonder. Maybe because they're unsightly and no one who's worth his salt would be seen dead sporting an icon of their laziness right on their face?


Should be titled, “Celebrating my third year of not getting laid and saving just a few bucks on razors and shaving cream”. Guy is trying to rock the “I walk thousands of miles for fun” look but all he's showing me with the size of his arms is that he's totally protein deficient and with a look like that, he's also logic deficient. C'mon this guy looks like one of those guys on a 'journey' of self discovery, which is really just cope for 'Why can't I get laid?' when the proof is literally staring him and anyone else in the face.


It's a meme of a guy on the left who's probably quite young and attractive under all that hair, next to an actor who is famous for pretty much being a combination of what all men should not aspire to be (except rich). Guy with masculinity issues on the left vs. guy you'd call the cops on if he stepped within 5 feet of your daughter (aka the opposite sex).


“I'm trying to look like an ancient race of people who were proud men that worked their assess off to take the utmost care of their self-image, health, safety and family”. “How am I doing this? By opting to not cut my facial hair because the rest of my facial features could kinda let me pass for a particular historical demographic”. “Please validate me though”. For fucks sake, could you get any less 'viking'?...


Actual complete disregard of hygiene in the workforce. Does this guy think his patients would find this admirable? Guy is also clearly out of shape...


A misleading post made by a female looking for some easy karma that tries to pass off as though her boyfriend and his mates don't routinely grow their beards (but instead only grow them in November). Yeah right. Brace yourself though for the real kicker, a quick click on the poster's username shows that she literally just made a post 7 days ago asking for help with her boyfriend's 'skin care routine' and what is that on his face, but hair and it isn't November!

I'm actually fucking done. As if you need more proof that growing a beard is literally one of the most idiotic things ever and that the supposed 'hall of fame' for beards is nothing but a circlejerk karma farm that upvotes the most illogical bullshit ever.

NB! I have nothing personal against anyone who has a beard. Just don't try to convince me that you aren't a lazy dude who doesn't give two shits about your appearance or health, and would just rather 'roll with it'. Personality is king, but what's the point of even having a great personality if you look unapproachable and/or are out of shape? Shave that shit off. No excuses. Then get to work on the rest of your body. You'll thank me later.