write.as

I felt like doing a bit of writing.

It doesn't help anymore to keep writing things to myself. I believe in the power of sharing, in particular when it comes to our deeper secrets. Over the years, I have been trying to explore my darkness by getting involved in activities that are not necessarily aligned with the principles I was taught in my Catholic School. For many of the readers out there, this may be something subtle; for me is something new and confronting. I am a straight white 28yo man.

I believe that part of this darkness exploratory journey got initiated a couple of years ago when I just broke up with my ex girlfriend and found myself in a deep and lonely space. I was not interested in meeting new people as I found the rest of humanity boring. How humble of me. I had absolutely no interest in establishing conversations with others, but I did feel like getting sexual. This came to be something challenging as I did not have the patience to hold conversations with girls to get them in bed, and clubbing or drinking was something that I have left in the past. My sexual urges began to increase and porn became boring. Suddenly, I found myself having webcam conversations with strangers most, if not all of them, where men.

I do like to think that I have an attractive body and this is something that others have commented as well. I made used of my defined muscles to attract stranger to interact with me and, somehow, I ended up showing more than just my abs. This is not something that I feel proud of, but I got a high every time I would make another man get aroused by observing me touch my cock. I guess I felt wanted, desired and this acted as a mechanism to compensate for the lack of self-esteem I was experiencing at the time. How sad.

I engaged myself with webcams quite a few times. Although I began to go out with girls, after the first date I would shut the door strongly as I felt that they were making me waste my time. My loneliness kept consuming me and eventually I though I could be gay. So I went out with two guys.

I met the first one in Grindr, it was clear that we were meeting up for something more than just a quick chat. I was scared, but curious at the same time. Michael seemed shy, nervous and attracted to me. We went to a bar and had some drinks. After our drinks were finished, we went into the carpark and I asked him what he wanted to do. Gently, Michael said he wanted to cuddle with me. I asked a few questions to understand what was behind his desired to 'cuddle' and could see that it was his loneliness. He was a straight man whose heart got broken by his ex girlfriend. Ever since, he had been sleeping with random guys he met online and he got thrilled when they dominated him. This was something he didn't feel very proud about but felt that he just needed to do. Michael confessed to me that his dream was to have a wife and kids. Clearly, our encounter was not aligned to his visions. I let him go.

Now, the second one was a bit different. My loneliness kept consuming me and I started to speak with a few other guys in Grindr. It was Friday during the afternoon, the business that I was constructing was doing poorly, my job was at risk and I just received some bad news, I just failed a very important exam I did for the Diploma I was studying part-time. My stress was high and so was my sexual desires. This is when I contacted Thomas, and after just a few lines and pics exchanges, I decided to go and visit him. I stated very clearly to him that I would only go there for a mutual massage, undies on and definitely no sex. He agreed.

I went into my car and drove to his house. I was feeling nervous as a tall 42 years old (I'm 27 at the time) comes out to greet me. I come in. He was analyzing every inch of my body, my face, my legs and my body. After offering me some water, we sat down to have a chat. But I wasn't there for that. I did not want to chat I wanted to touch this time. I invited him to get down to what we agreed and I offered to massage him first, he agree. In his undies, he laid down on a mattress. I decided to do this with Thomas as he seem to be a big man and a masculine one. I have a fascination for men's bodies and I have never really touched one until them. The massage began and I enjoyed feeling him. I explore his body, we had some brief words in between, but I wasn't really interested in talking with him. I could see he was aroused as I asked him to face up, his underwear were showing me that perhaps something was in his mind. Time to swap.

Thomas grabbed the oil and started touching my body, it felt nice. He certainly had some experience doing this as he massage felt like a professional one. He kept on talking about homosexuality and how Greek men had younger boys to please them sexually back in the days. I thought I knew where he was trying to go. I let him go on with his sermon, but made it clear that I was straight and not interested in cocks. Suddenly, Thomas gets on top of me to massage my back and I could feel his dick on top of my ass. I asked him to be mindful as I found that uncomfortable. He got very nervous and politely moved away. Thanks god.

Massage time was over and Thomas offered me a towel and showed me where the shower was. As I started walking to clean myself, he calls my name and says “would you like to do anything else?” pointing as his cock. I hesitated and said no. He said “Are you sure?”. Then, I though to myself. Man, you are already here and you have some doubts if whether you are gay or not, why don't you go ahead? And so I asked him to show me his cock.

He pull down his undies, and his dick came of. He was half hard. Seconds after he begins to touch himself. I found it funny and interesting, to be honest.

Then he asked me if I would like to show him mine. And so I did. I was not hard.

He started masturbating himself and began to come close to me. “Would you like to touch it?”. Not sure, I said in my mind. But again, I began thinking you are already here, give it a go. So I touch his cock and began playing with it. He reached out and start playing with mine, I got hard.

I've never touch another dick before. It was certainly different from mine. I played with his balls and began wanking him.

“Would you like to cum” I asked. He agreed and I kept moving my hand up and down. He got aroused and tried to kiss me. No kisses I said as he tried to lick my chest. Then, I suddenly feel some hands going to my ass and a finger coming close to my asshole. Abruptly, I moved myself. He understood that that was a no-go zone as well. The floor got all wet with his white cum. He was done. Quickly, he knee down and put my cock in his mouth. I let him play for a while, but, to be honest, I wasn't really enjoying myself. At the time when this happened I had quit masturbating for over 4months. I lost my appetite to giving myself pleasure and felt that this was not gratifying either. I stop him and he was surprised. “Don't you want to cum?”. “No thanks” I said.

We walked to the bathroom together and got a shower at the same time. We had a few discussions about sexuality and I thanked him for the experience as, although I found it fun, it made me realized that I am not really into men.

I never heard from Thomas again.

A year and a half has passed and I have a girlfriend now. An incredible girl who I have a deep and rich relationship. Sexually, we connect in incredible ways, we are both playful and exploratory. However, at times, I still fantasize with men. I like to observe men when I go to the beach, I have a fascination for men's bodies and I times I fantasize to be dominated by one or play with a hard cock. I have an attraction for the sexual liberty that exists in the gay-world and at times I fantasize about just playing with strangers.

During the time that Alicia and I have been together, I have played the webcam game a couple of times. We are very open and honest with one another and I told her about it. She didn't appreciate it and so is stopped. I have also created myself a Gridnr account a couple of times to speak with other men. I haven't had any encounters and I won't have one.

Most recently, I had an experience that made me revisit my memories with Tom, something that I am not proud about and would like to let it go.

I went to a nudist beach, and as I was swimming in the ocean, I saw some men on rocks far from the beach. I know that gay men tend to cruise in either rocks or bushes next to nudist beaches and so I decided to go and see what was happening. As soon as I got out of the water, I see three French men doing a wanking circle. Intrigue, I observed, I walked and I observed. I got aroused, however, I was still with my Speedos on so they could not tell. Later, I saw a stairs to got to the bushes above where these men where, and I climbed them and went to explore to see if I could see more people engaged in sexual activities. Most likely it would be men. I walked through the bushes and 4 old men started following me. It was clear what they wanted, but I did not felt attracted to doing anything with them. I even had this hot and fit 33 year old approaching to me afterwards to discretely offer me some action, but instead I made friends with him and gently refused. I would never betray Alicia with either a man or a girl.

After a few weeks, I talked to Alicia about what happened. She was a bit upset and we agreed that I wouldn't do it again. I want to stay away from these environments as I do feel that it makes me feel bad after I come out of them. I get thrilled and aroused when I engage myself in activities that involve sex -or potential sex – with strangers, but is something that I feel that I need to let go. However, I wonder what is the underlying drive that has taken me to this places. I wonder how could I satisfy these needs constructively, possibly including Alicia somehow. I am not sure, I have to see.

I just needed to write about this publicly as it is something that I have been living alone and feel that I need to share it. I would like to explore my sexuality and try different things. However, I would like to live that with Alicia and I would like these explorations to be things that I can feel satisfied for a while and not just when I am doing them.