IRS Unleashes “Turtle Force” for Speedy Stimulus Aid

Attempting to prove to the world that digital assets are not needed for prompt value transfer in the country's time of crisis, the Internal Revenue Service released thousands of highly-trained tortoises carrying much-needed stimulus checks Sunday.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said IRS commissioner Charles Rettig. “And if my calculations are correct, citizens can expect to see our determined little delivery agents coast up to their doorsteps no later than July. That's a promise, America.”

“Snail Squad,” the IRS's ambitious backup plan to “Turtle Force,” which hopes to provide fast and reliably delivery of US citizens' stimulus checks.

The tortile-check-transfer drew heavy criticisms from scores of citizens who have been calling for an updated federal payments system, one which perhaps could even incorporate blockchain technology.

“I don't mean to belittle the whole tortoise idea,” said David Schwartz, CTO of blockchain payments company Ripple, “but tech like the XRP Ledger can transfer value safely in three seconds, anywhere around the world. I think maybe the federal government could try to do a little better, you know?”

*Coil subscribers can see the IRS's FAILSAFE plan to deliver stimulus money if Turtle Force and Snail Squad fail below**...*

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