I was able to attend the event last 2023 even though I had limited budget that time. I went to Makati alone and the whole trip was supposed to be a secret. Only one friend knows (Rhei-Rhei) of my adventure. Upon telling her, I've specifically said: I am telling you this so I have a lifeline. (I didn't imagine that I would really need that lifeline. HAHA.) I've kept it a secret from work because I am not comfortable sharing 'you' with them. Because is there even a 'you' that I could share with? haha

The whole trip going to and from Manila went smoothly except for one little mishap. And this is the crazy part where my secret was revealed. huhu.

Since the whole trip was supposed to be a secret and I don't want coworkers to know that I've been out of Palawan, I've made it a point to just file for leave for only three days. So the original plan was to go back to Palawan directly on the day of the event, I've chosen a 4pm flight for my plan to materialize.

After browsing at the park, I went straight to the airport. I was about to enter NAIA T3 when upon presentation of my ticket and ID the guard at the entrance told me “Ma'am bukas pa naman po ang flight nyo.” Wait what?!?! And upon checking my ticket it was true that the date on it says March 20 and not March 19. I cannot believe that I've booked the wrong date.

I panicked at this point and my mind went racing to different things: (1) will try to re-book the flight if it is not too expensive, (2) I might end up filing for EL which of course will eventually reveal my secret and (3) if I will not be able to fly today, where will I go?

Even if I am panicking at this point, I needed to get my act together. I had to give up on No. 1 because re-booking for a flight that flies in less than two hours is outrageously expensive. I had no choice but to activate No. 2 and I did end up filing for EL and partially revealing my secret. I've said partially because I've only revealed that I was in Makati, not that I've attended Art in the Park. I had to activate my lifeline for No. 3. I've said from the start that coming to Makati for this trip, I had a very limited budget. I wasn't kidding when I've said that. I didn't have enough money to even book myself a hotel for the night. LOL. What was I even thinking coming to the city and flying out of Palawan with very limited money? I've called Rhei-Rhei and said: I need my lifeline and she totally understood what I am about to ask. Long story short, she booked me a hotel and I promised to pay her when I get back to work. I ended up not paying her at all because she didn't want me to pay. HUHU...I'll be better next time. I'll definitely pay it forward.

After checking in at the hotel (my friend booked me at Savoy just across T3), I again went back to the park. HAHA.

2023 highlights at Art in the Park:

(1) Kidlat Ngayon!!!! Isang Taon na Paglalakbay as Soul – installation by Sir Kabunyan de Guia, his tribute for his brother Kidlat who passed away the previous year. I was fangirling with Sir Kabunyan since 2016 and this was the first time that I actually get to talk to him. He took a photo but it was through his cellphone as a selfie, haha, hence I didn't have a copy. Sad. I loved the installation because it also reminded me of our experience with Papa's sudden demise. Sir Kabunyan's art installation somehow helped me cope with my own sadness because of suddenly losing a loved one.

(2) It was my first time to attend the event at night. It was another magical sight. I really enjoyed it albeit the stress I've encountered in the afternoon. :)

Was I hoping to see you again? Definitely yes.

Last year's event, 2024, was the first time since I am waiting at the park that I am not that focused in looking for you anymore. It was the first time since 2017 that I was again able to enjoy what the art fair has to offer because I am just there to enjoy the art works and immerse myself in different art forms.

2024 highlights at Art in the Park:

(1) Aimee, a friend from Palawan was able to come with me at the park. It was just a coincidence that we are both in Manila at the same time and she decided to accompany me. One of her friends, Bea, who is working for DOE was also with us. It was a new experience for me since I am always by myself and I had a good time being with the two of them. I really enjoyed their company.

(2) I was able to have a photo with Sir Kabunyan. I went to their booth, The Mighty Bhutens, and asked him for a photo. It was a surprise that when I've introduced myself and told him about our meeting the past year, he remembered. huhu.

Will I still wait for you then?

I think there will always be a part of me that wants to meet you. That part will always wait for you I guess. Just like what I've said before, I wanted you to be a real, living person. I don't want you to just be a part of my imagination.

But I've also decided to not focus and obsess upon the thought that I needed to see you/meet you. I don't want to miss out on things just because I am so hung up on the idea of you. I also want to enjoy the present moment of being at the park.

IF someday, somehow our paths cross again, I will make sure that by that time I've already mastered and practiced my piece. I like to think of it like meeting an old, lost friend.

But slowly I could also see a different pattern emerging this time. I could now write again even on my “okay” days. Life doesn’t have to suck for me to be able to put into words my current situation. I don’t need to romanticize my pain any more —– I just need to live it and write the lessons (or not) that goes along with it.

I also like to think that me writing these blog posts mean that my future self could have conversations with my past self. In these posts I wanted to capture what it is that my current self is thinking, doing, feeling with regards to my current situation.

Here’s what has been new with my life since the end of 2023 and the first half of 2024:

OG dream is brightly burning! Ever since Keilah graduated last July and passed the boards last September, my dream of becoming a medical doctor has been alive as ever. I want to pursue this OG dream of mine. I want to not have what ifs when I grow old. If it’s for me, then it’s for me. If it’s not for me then so be it. At least I know I’ve tried.

Freediving. This is something I didn’t know I’d pick up as a hobby or something that I actually want to do. Marra inspired me to pursue it. I’ve seen one of her dive videos and I was so amazed and a bit okay not a bit, but a LOT jealous of her talent. And reading/educating myself about freediving made me want to pursue it more since it is also being related to yoga/meditation. I’ve already done an introductory lesson in freediving at Freedive Tribe PH (Anilao) and I want to be certified next.

Biking/Cycling. I didn’t pick up this hobby during the pandemic even if almost half of townsite has done this for recreation. But what inspired me to pursue it as a form of exercise now is watching videos of Airikr, my Swedish friend from Mastodon, on his bike. He’s an avid cyclist and he always sends me videos of his escapades and it was liberating to watch him do freewheeling. When I’ve started cycling, there’s no turning back. I’ve enjoyed the process and I was really into freewheeling myself. I am now gearing up with my dream of cycling all the way to Mindoro. XD

The Call. Still waiting for it. This has been the source of my frustration these past few days. I think my frustration stems from the fact that I am waiting for the call because I want to escape. I shouldn’t be leaving this place because I want to escape from it. I should leave here because there’s a greener pasture out there. I need to decide soon though if I will still wait for the call or if I should accept and be open to the fact that I need to end 2024 here. I don’t know. I still need to dig deeper, to re-calibrate myself, to talk to the right people. After all, it’s just a call.

6 September 2023 Wednesday; 2027H (Just got home from overtime duty and the inspiration hit me to write you this letter. We chatted earlier because we are discussing about possible AirBNB rentals where you and your friends could stay at while you’re in Manila for ABE’s board exam next week. I’ve said I’ll send you the details tomorrow because I have an important thing to finish first —– this is that important thing. 😊)

Dear Beh,

CONGRATULATIONS, Engr. ______ ______ _____!

Nope, the date is not a typo, talagang I am writing this in advance (like a week before your board exam, haha). And the fact na nababasa mo ito ngayon ibig sabihin you’ve made it this year. May kapatid na akong Engineer, how about that? Maybe I’ll be annoying my friends/colleagues for a couple of days or weeks or months or years about this….ganyan ako kaproud sa iyo beh.

But on a serious note, there really was no doubt in my mind that you’ll make it this year. Na before 2023 ends, I’ll have a sister na engineer (baka mag-top pa nga e…hindi naman ata masamang mangarap ang ate ‘di ba?) I just need a little convincing: not on the “papasa ba part” but more on the “should she be taking the boards this year” part?

When you’ve already decided that you wanted to take the board exam this year…ah…okay…step back si ate…kaya ito ni bunso.

You know where I’m coming from right? Why I was hesitant and wasn’t really very supportive of your decision to take the boards this year? As you know, I struggled through college so when it was time for me to take my own board exam, I didn’t take it the same year that I graduated. I took it a year later. So, when it came to your situation, I’ve assessed it based on my own experience and I’ve discounted the fact that we are two very different individuals. And unlike me who got stressed during college, you on the other hand flourished. Iba ka nga pala…pag-asa ka nga pala ng bayan. IYKYK…haha.

So nung desidido ka na talagang mag-exam this year and very much willing ka ring mag-self review – this was the time when I am 100% sold sa desisyon mo. Eto rin ang time na naniwala na akong magkaka-Engineer na ang pamilya by the end of 2023.

Bakit ko ito nasasabi Beh?

I’ve seen how you dedicate yourself when there is something that you need to do. Lagi ngang biruan sa bahay ‘di ba – kung karir sa karir lang naman, magaling si Keilah dyan. Lagi ko nga ring sinasabi, madalas ay pabiro pero deep inside seryoso talaga ako, na kung ako ay magkaroon lang ng 10% ng self-confidence/dedication mo, malayo ang mararating ko sa buhay.

Up until now, when I recall how you were able to do those online ProbSets as part of your course requirement for your online classes during the wake of Papa – I can’t seem to fathom how mentally resilient you were. Observing you during those times, I got worried to be honest, because knowing how close you were with Papa and you’re answering all those ProbSets while we were still literally mourning his death – I can’t stop asking myself: What type of disaster/problem/end-of-the-world scenario would shatter this kid’s dedication? If you look at it this way, nakakakaba ‘di ba? On the other hand, baka it was your coping mechanism pala. Na you’ve dedicated yourself to all those ProbSets para you could somehow be free of the pain of Papa’s sudden passing. If this is the case, and I highly believe it is, all I could really say is SANA ALL. Kasi despite the circumstance, when you chose to be productive instead of being a lousy, I-don’t-want-to-do-anything-right-now person (just like someone I know very well, LOL) – ay pag-asa ka nga talaga ng bayan walang duda!

Growing up, we weren’t friends. I usually joke about this at sinasabi ko na naging close tayo (agree ka naman ‘di ba na close na tayo ngayon? haha) either nung nagkabait ka na or ako ‘yung nawalan ng bait. XD Pero before talaga like sa elementary days, I don’t like your childish antics. Ayoko rin talaga na you never take NO for an answer. Kapag may hihingin/ipapaalam ka kina Mama at Papa tapos initial reactions nila e NO – hindi ka talaga titigil hangga’t hindi sila papayag. Siguro dahil sa kagaganito mo, nasa 5% lang ng time na hindi talaga sila mag-YES, like 95% of the time e papayag na lang sila kasi ang kulit mo. Feeling ko nakulitan na lang sila sa iyo.

Isinabuhay mo talaga literally ‘yung “when one door closes another one opens” or siguro mas appropriate to say na when one door closes sa iyo, you bring the whole house down to get what you want…haha.

But what am I really trying to say here Beh?

It’s this: THAT YOU HAD IT IN YOU TO PASS YOUR BOARD EXAM AND IT’S IN YOUR CORE BEING THAT YOU’LL BE AN ENGINEER IN 2023. (Don’t you ever forget about this. If ever in the future, there might come a time na you feel less confident, less dedicated or you are having self-doubts about your capabilities – please go back to this letter or better yet, talk to its sender. The sender always got your back.😉)

Ate didn’t have any doubt about you making it this year. This letter is the proof of that. This letter may not have been written in a perfect form but hopefully you get what I wanted to convey.

I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU, Beh. Thank you for making us proud. I am sure that Mama, Papa, Kuya and the rest of the fam is proud of you too. Thank you for inspiring me to pursue my OG dream. Thank you for bringing me out of the tunnel, I could now see the light and am currently in a state of renewed self-confidence and self-love. Thank you for being you. I love you Beh…to the moon and back raised to infinity (hopefully the equation I am trying to say does not negate itself).

Always and forever, Ate Shine

It is still your lucky number, only in disguise.

This is what I’ve told you when you chatted me after the first day of your board exam.

I’ve felt that somehow you were defeated by the fact that you only have 32 items that you are sure of out of the 100-item test. I wanted so bad to give you a hug yesterday, I wanted to make you feel better.

But that statement from you saying that Day 1 is already done and you only have 32 items that you are sure of actually made me feel better.

Confession time: for the past week, I was a bundle of nerves. I don’t know how to describe it and I couldn’t even pinpoint why am I so invested in your board exam more than I was invested in mine? I haven’t fully understood why I’ve felt this way, maybe later I still need to dig deeper and find out about it, let’s give it a talk some other time. My friends here know of my predicament. I am always preoccupied and I’m getting less sleep. One friend even pointed out to me that maybe unconsciously I am projecting to you my nervousness and it will affect you negatively. I heeded that friend’s advice and I’ve chatted you less, prior to your boards. I just needed to constantly communicate during your travel to Manila and during the arrangement of your stay there. Honestly, that’s the most toned-down version of me being a stage/micromanaging Ate.

Yesterday was the worst. I vomited twice during my 8-hour shift. First is when I just got to the laboratory in the morning and second is after having my lunch. It was acid reflux due to stress. The Ates with me during lunch got worried but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the real reason behind my stress because how could I when I couldn’t even understand it myself?

Around 0945H yesterday, I couldn’t take it anymore – I wanted to run to blow off steam – but there’s no way to perform it while on duty. So I did what I thought would be most effective in calming me down – I had to call Mama. I know that only hearing her voice would bring me out of my stupor. We’ve talked for about 15 minutes during her break, it helped me a lot. I’ll let you in on a little secret she said: We have to believe that baby could make it this year because compared to you and Errol’s performance during college, I think we could all agree that she aced it more than you both did.

No doubt about it, I totally agree.

So when I’ve received that message from you about the 32 items, it calmed me down. How could I not when comparing to my performance during my own board exam I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even identify which items I am sure of and I still made it? All I know that time was that I was going to pass my boards; I just feel it. I just believed. But in terms of quantifying the items on the exam that I am sure of? Let’s not go push it.

That is why that “32 items” sealed the deal for me – I know you could make it. I just know. I just believe.

Okay let me clear some things here because at this point, maybe I’ve inspired you with all my ramblings above or I’ve broken your spirit because you may feel that we have this heavy expectation of you performing well. I wrote this piece not to burden you, I wrote this to let you know that we believe in you. And that belief take note will not be crushed by such petty thing as “not passing the board exam”.

You are more than the board exam. You are bigger than the board exam.

Here’s a few reminders, if I may:

1) We are PROUD OF YOU. The fact that you were able to get your undergraduate degree despite all the setbacks, the biggest would be Papa’s sudden passing, is more than enough to make us proud. You are the youngest that keeps on giving. I am the eldest but sometimes I feel that I could rely on you more. Just don’t forget that I am always here for you no matter what because what I did with Kuya’s mistake is part of the biggest regrets of my life. I am trying to be the best version of myself. I am learning to be not as strict and not as unforgiving towards family members’ mistakes. I am trying to find that ‘balance’ and am teaching myself to compromise. Just so you know, Kuya and I are now in talking terms again.

2) YOU WILL FOREVER BE OUR BABY. It is true that I am now the shortest in terms of height among us three but even if this is the case you will remain the “baby” of the family. This fact will always have its perks because most of the time, the baby always gets what they want. Just please don’t abuse the favor.

3) We will ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU. There’s no doubt about it, we always got your back. Wherever life takes you just know that you could always count on us.

You don’t need to prove anything especially to us. To sum it all up – YOU ARE ENOUGH.

July 26, 2023 (Wednesday; 2017H)

I am reading regarding the different scholarships that I could apply for when I pursue studying medicine next year. Originally, I plan to apply for the Doctors To The Barrios (DTTB) scheme of DOH. I don’t remember from when I’ve learned of DTTB but there was once a documentary about a certain DTTB doctor assigned in Agutaya, Palawan that I was able to watch. Upon my research today though, I’ve found out about CHED MSRS. This is a promising scholarship scheme under the Doktor Para sa Bayan Act and I am now convinced to apply to this scholarship next year.

To be honest I’m worried about my med school dream because of financial constraints. (It was never an issue with me regarding my age…haha.) Until recently, I’ve buried this dream of mine of becoming a doctor.

Growing up, especially when I was in grade school, it was a no-brainer for me to tell people what I want to become when I grow up, automatically I say I want to become a doctor. But when one leaves the comfort of childhood and one is confronted by the reality of life and the truth of one’s social/financial status – that no-brainer answer became just that…an answer.

It loses its meaning and it goes away to give space for more important, pressing matters —– life.

During our thesis days in college, when the time came for us to look for university laboratories that will be able to cater the tests that we need for our samples, at one point we were at the University of Santo Tomas (UST). While we were there, I saw legions of medical students donning their white medical coats because UST College of Medicine is one of the premier medical schools in the country, and I was jealous of every one of them that time.

I could remember the adrenaline rush that passed through my body seeing these medical students. I feel the same way seeing doctors in hospitals. There are a lot of instances where I get jealous of them, haha. At the back of my mind I always tell myself I want to become one of them, someday.

During those times though, I didn't know when that someday would come.

The dream of becoming a doctor didn’t leave me. I tried to put it back someplace where I think it will not be able to resurface again but I guess ultimate dreams really have a way of making themselves known.

Around May this year, things started to change. When finally, Keilah is sure that she’ll be able to graduate – the dream of becoming a medical doctor came back to me. I thought I’ve let it go but the truth is it was never gone.

I thought to myself, why can’t it be me this time? If others could do it, why can’t I?

So, this is why I’m writing this blog-pseudo-diary entry. If ever I become a successful neurosurgeon someday, I’d like to be able to go back to what started the fire in the first place.

I am not a fanatic though…thinking romantically that this will be an easy ride. On the contrary I am aware that this is something that is borderline impossible at this point in time but I’m willing to give it a shot. If ever this is really not for me…then so be it. What I don’t like is to have regrets and what ifs in the future. I don't want to grow old and look back to the chances I've missed just because I was afraid to even give it a try.

This is me taking that chance. This is me taking my stand. I am giving myself the opportunity to fight for a dream that’s been with me since my childhood days.

With regards to the other post I was writing...I'll publish it soon. :))

IT’s her wedding....SHE’s getting married.

The dream panned out nicely inside a church. It’s a big church that looks like the Sto. Niño Parish in Roxas. I was inside the church, dressed nicely and beautifully and with me is Mama. Everyone’s excited and though the ceremony has not yet started the church is abuzz with whispers as people are anticipating this big event.

I didn’t feel out-of-place though....haha...maybe because this is my dream? But I knew that I am just there as a guest because I didn’t personally know Taylor or her husband. (The husband’s face wasn’t revealed until the end.)

And then the dream went with me entering the church behind the big front door while a group of reporters/paparazzi were huddled outside. I just closed the door gently behind me.

Then an announcer started the mass, he announced something about the start of the procession. But he was interrupted by some random person saying that everyone’s not ready yet. The announcer apologized and there were giggles from the crowd as we were asked to take our sits again.

The light started dimming, then entered the procession, this time for real. We alight from our sits waiting for the bride to take her walk.

And something magical happened, I saw a woman in a somewhat form of cape that’s covering her from neck to toe...I knew right away that it’s her. All I could say to Mama is that “She’s soooo tall!” She’s walking at the left side of where we are and she’s a meter away from me. She’s like waiting for someone, I don’t know whom because she’s not supposed to be there. Though some part of the procession is coming from that side.

Someone came to help her remove her cape or something and her beautiful long gown was revealed. She looked ethereal, out-of-this world beautiful. At this point some fans started coming to her side of the church. Just one by one wishing her well and holding her hand.

When she’s near me and she looked at my direction I couldn’t help but call her name and tell her “Love you and CONGRATULATIONS!” But then after Mama heard me, she walked past me and went directly at her. Mama called me by her side.

By that time I didn’t have a choice but shake her hands. She’s a little bit distracted that time but she managed a smile. All I could remember now is how soft her hand is. I went back to our chair after and she started moving with the procession.

I couldn’t believe Mama did that! I don’t know if I should be happy or not. At that point all I want is for her to not feel awkward on her wedding day because of us fans. But anyway, in my dream it already happened so I just enjoyed the rest of the ceremony.

I needed to read about the passage above tonight before I go to sleep. Tomorrow I will tell my boss that I didn’t want him to give me a free pass. That out-of-range **** **** QC that happened on our shift is a fault on our part. And even though it would be much easier for me to just accept the free pass and move on with my life...it just doesn’t sit well with me.

I don't want that kind of free pass.

Staying here I’ve said that I didn’t want to play their game. I don’t want to wake up one day and I’m already part of their club. I don’t want to lose myself in the process. I will do whatever it is that I think is right and just. And I will do it in my own way.

My biggest fear now is whether the affected personnel will see me as someone who wanted to drag her in all of this drama. And that tomorrow I may not be able to successfully convey to her the real reason why am I doing this – it all comes down to principles. To values and to the beliefs that I wanted to live by. I hope that by the talks tomorrow she will see me as a comrade and not an enemy. I am at her corner. I will not leave her hanging and let her get all the blame.

I wanted to be remembered as a leader who stands by her people but at the same time one that doesn’t tolerate wrongdoings. I wanted to stay firm with my decisions and stand by it no matter how inconvenient it gets and how fearful I may be. I also wanted to become a leader that knows when to accept defeat especially to decisions that are lacking conviction. I wanted to stay grounded but at the same time to gracefully and humbly accept my failures. I wanted to be someone who sees failures not as a handicap but as an opportunity to improve myself to become a better person.

Hopefully, I could convey all of this with my important meetings tomorrow.

I have nothing to fear. I will just be myself.

We have one presidential candidate who is perfect as she is, BUT why did we choose to ignore her?

This election has been an amazing journey especially among the volunteers. I’ve seen how invested Keilah and Anton were in their advocacy. I’ve seen the effort they’ve put through and am inspired by their dedication fighting for what is right. For the very first time, all of the members of our household voted for the same presidential candidate. I AM PROUD and WILL ALWAYS BE PROUD that we were all KAKAMPINKS at home!

But right now my heart is broken in pieces because why is it so hard to love you Mother Land? (Bakit ang hirap mong mahalin Pilipinas?) What are we doing wasting our chance for a clean and reliable government? Why are we blinded by all the historical revisionism that has been rampant among social media sites these past few years? What have we done as a nation?

VP Leni losing this election is not her loss at all. It is the loss of the nation. We’ve lost someone who could have given us an even playing field. We’ve lost someone whose service to her fellow Filipino is not measured by fame, power and money but by the simple fact that she wanted to serve. We’ve let go of someone who’s willing to be our servant, not someone who will make us her slaves.

How did we end up this way?

I want to detach myself from all the people who contributed to the rise of the former dictator’s son, if only I could. I don’t want to associate myself with these ignorant bunch because I wanted to keep my sanity. But what can I do? Doing this thing means I need to live alone, in my own bubble, for the rest of my life.

It’s a hard pill to swallow – accepting those who’ve voted and became enablers of this electoral disaster. I needed to swallow that pill though and swallow fast that’s what I should do. I will close my eyes and take everything with so much determination to keep myself from committing atrocities. I will keep living even if my soul slowly burns, hoping that one day someone will come and save my soul from fully turning into ashes.

Maybe her time is not now. Maybe there’s still a bright future for the Philippines.

For now, I will rest my case and focus my energy on becoming the best version of myself. One of the many things that VP Leni taught us during this campaign is that we could be BETTER FILIPINOS.

“Why?” my friend asked.

I don’t know it’s just that it seems that there’s so much finality associated with that word. I don’t like it.

“So you’d rather be left hanging then...without closure? Is that what you like?”

I don’t know, I told my friend. I don’t know.

Fast forward to now, I still hate goodbyes. I don’t like the fact that this word could mean being gone, moving, being left alone. I don’t like being left alone. I also don’t like the idea of leaving. But just like what my friend asked me, so do I just want to be left hanging then? NO, of course not!

The contradicting parts of my argument, I don’t want to say goodbye but I also don’t want to be left hanging. So what now?

Maybe...just...maybe, what I want is a proper goodbye. Is there such a thing as a proper goodbye though? What do I mean by a proper goodbye?

A proper goodbye for me means being present everyday. Being there for the one you love, holding their hand or giving them hugs. It’s the small actions that usually goes unnoticed. It’s the simple things that are not given a second-glance. It’s the way you look at each other without uttering a single word but you knew whatever it is the other one is saying.

Goodbye is the infinite time between boiling water for your coffee until you sip the first taste of it in your mouth. It is when you make sure that the ones you love will have the best of everything in this life. It is the sunrise. It is the sunset. It is the promise of many tomorrows to come. It’s an infinite number of years on Earth.

“So basically your idea of goodbye is really not goodbye?”

Maybe YES, maybe NO. But come to think of it huh...isn’t our life as how we are living it now, just a series of goodbyes? Isn’t life just a big narrative on how beautifully we say GOODBYE?

So tell me if you don’t think goodbyes are overrated?