S1.E2: Emotional Control and Sinuses
I'm back! Wow, a little surprised. Wasn't expecting to use this more than once, bad habits of unfinished concepts tend to litter my brain like an overfilled wastepaper basket or a bunch of empty water bottles. Today the topic of thought and discussion is emotional control. And Sinuses.
I got sick this weekend, for the first time probably all year. Fun fact, I tend to only get sick about twice a year, however, when I do, it's usually horrific. I've been traveling quite a bit for both works and just for pleasure, and I've probably stayed in 4 different states and I think maybe 7 cities all in the last month. On top of that, I really don't sleep much (working on that I promise) averaging about a horrible 4 hours and 37 minutes this month! Believe it or not, that's a pretty good average for me. As much as I could continue to talk about how much I do on such little energy, I should get to the point that I need to hit: how much control I have to consistently have over my emotions, and how it's messing with my mental health.
An average day for me consists of interaction with coworkers I manage, my boss, my family, my friends, and my girlfriend. In reality, the main stress points for me would be my family, my boss, and my coworkers. These last few weeks have been specifically difficult because I moved back home to save money until September and visas. It's been a lot of interaction... a little too much. I share my room with my brother, so there's no real “my space” per se. Which again, is okay but its hard to manage how I feel when I have nowhere to truly relax.
I won't get too into family dynamics or expectations, but I do a lot of what most 1st siblings do: family management. That means parent on parent resolution, parent to sibling resolution, sibling to sibling resolution, there's not much left for me to work on me. In a sense, I act as a glue to resolve and solve issues. I could use some TLC as much as another kid, I spent most of my teenage years doing this and it does leave a mental weight associated with being around my family. I feel like it poisons my feelings to them sometimes. You ever love and hate at the same time, and then hate the way it all makes you feel? I'm just trying to hold on until I finish my degree and swap my visa so I can move; it hasn't been easy though. When I'm forced to slow down and stop moving (because of this well-timed sinus disruption) I had time to let the feelings catch up to my head as well.
The moral of the story can be boiled down to this: I'm tired (mentally, physically, and emotionally) and running out of patience. I was considering going back to nicotine but I want to keep struggling through without substances. I just have to hold out a little longer! Better to have tried and failed than not tried right? We'll see I suppose. At least I can write about it too. I wish I could've structured this post a little better but I'm glad I still got to use it as an emotional outlet.
Times on my side, I can get through this in the end for sure. I wonder if I'll make it through the middle though. Kind of like that Mac line.
“I'd put some money on forever, but I don't like to gamble on the weather” – Mac Miller
Best,
The Author