Not Your Last
“Loka, I made you lunch,” Livi looks thrilled cause she spends hours learning how to cook, and it actually tastes good.
Loka looked at her and barely touched his lunch, “you should've told me before, tadi Nea bawain aku makan juga.”
Her smile turns upside down; she felt embarrassed because Loka said that pretty loudly in front of his friends. Even though his friends don't say anything, she really wished to disappear right now. “Ah, sorry, my bad.”
“It's okay, Livi; it's okay. Loka doesn't mean to do that,” she said to herself while walking away from Loka back to her class.
“Loh, kok dibawa lagi? Loka kayaknya tadi ada kok di kantin, gue liat tadi,” kata Ruby, salah satu teman Livi.
Livi shakes her head, “iya dia emang masuk kok, tapi katanya Loka udah makan.”
A few of her friend's expressions looked worried; even one of them looked like she couldn't believe what Loka had done. “Livi, my mom would smack me if I couldn't appreciate someone, especially if it's related to food.”
“First of all, it was rude; it was obscene. Second of all, you probably got embarrassed because Loka is always with his friends. And lastly, babe, you are his girlfriend; why does he treat you like this?” said Estelle; she pulled Livi to sit next to her and try to calm her.
“You guys, now I really want to cry,” said Livi; she's really grateful for all of her friends, “but Loka doesn't mistreat me guys, we're alright.”
She lied. They're not alright; it's never been alright from the start. Every night Livi regrets being his girlfriend. Regret is a hard word to describe your feeling, but Livi had enough of his behavior. She's not alright. She tried but failed to be whatever the hell Loka wants from her. She tried to be the best, but I guess being the best is not what Loka wanted.
The bell rang; it means the lesson has ended for the day. When she's heading out, she saw Loka was waiting for her. She smiled cause she thought Loka was going to take her to the bookstore like Livi just planned 2 days ago. “Livi, hari ini kamu pulang sendiri ya?”
Twice, Loka. He made her smile upside down, twice for today. “But you promised me you'd take me to the-”
“Aku gak inget, but Nea kinda needs me right now, and I felt bad for not being there for her,” he said while brushing his hair, “kabarin aku ya kalo udah sampe rumah.”
“Enggak Loka,” she said while she holds Loka's hand.
“Apa yang enggak? Nea is my friend,” he turns back.
“Me or her, pick right now,” she sounded outraged.
“I'm not picking; this is stupid, Livi. Udah sana pulang,” he said while trying to walk away again.
“Just pick Loka, right now,” she said loudly.
Loka let out a breath and turns back to her, “I chose Nea, now can you please just go home?”
“We're over, Loka Nata, you hear me? We are over,” she said while holding her tears. She's been waiting to say that, and she doesn't know if she feels relieved or empty.
“Livi, you're not in the right mind. Aku anterin pulang aja ya?” he said while holding her hand tight.
“No, you're not in the right mind. Or probably I'm the one who's crazy enough to say yes when you ask me out. I'm the dumb one here because I'm the one who has true feelings for you,” she said while letting go of his grip.
“We're not over, Livi. I'm sorry if I treat you wrong for the past week-”
“The past week? You've been treating me wrong for the past seven months, Loka. For seven fucking months, I've been patient with you. With all of your b.s. and behavior. And for seven fucking months, I've been patient enough not to break down in every argument we have because of fucking Nea.”
“I'm tired trying a to z just for you not to appreciate me as you should have. I'm tired of being your last, Loka. I want to be enough for you; I want you to tell the world that I'm your girlfriend. I'm not perfect, Loka, but I would try if you would see me for a second.”
Loka felt like he just got hit by a bus in the middle of the hall. Seeing Livi for the first time crying in front of him. “Livi maaf...”
“I need you too, Loka. I needed you from the start, but you weren't there. You were never there,” her voice is shaking, “Loka, if loving you is like swimming, then I'm drowning.”
”...but you love a girl who barely touched the water.”
“Livi,” Loka holds her hand before she's leaving, “Livi, I'm really sorry.”
Livi turned back and smiled, “humans really do appreciate things when they're gone; maybe you should try being grateful, Loka.”
“Oh, and by the way, I know one day I'm going to be someone's everything, Loka. But I don't think it's going to be you anytime soon.”