I deactivated my Medium account approximately 2 months ago to test myself on a psychological level.

The reason being is that I had pictures of my bruises & my scar after my attack in the hospital. Logging in every other day or so & having to see the pictures of them all over again gave me lots of anxiety. It felt like I was reliving it every time I logged in. Which definitely didn't help with my panic attacks.

It actually made them worse.

So I didn't want to repeat the trauma every other day.

It's interesting how others will perceive you & always look for the worst instead of the best in your actions. Some people thought I lied & took down my essays for fear of being embarrassed. Others thought I was ruthless or cold-hearted for abandoning my online friends or followers.

Well, you know the saying “Out of sight. Out of mind?” Right? Just like closing down my Facebook account & not having to deal with hackers anymore. 🙈

Let me tell you this from my side of the fence. I just simply need to heal psychologically, that's all. I can reactivate my account & show those essays again if I choose to because it is a personal choice. But I know in my heart that keeping up those pictures right now will not help me move on & heal.

Nor did I write about it to gain a following. That was just a by-product of the social media world we live in. It seems like you can’t post anything nowadays without there being some kind of ridiculous algorithm that is built in to determine how popular someone is.

The only reason I chose to speak up about my assault was because I needed others to know the truth. And when I was denied a surveillance video that shows the truth, I felt it was my responsibility to speak up. There were other victims in that same hospital & I felt that they needed someone brave to be a mouthpiece for them as well.

So I chose to be brave.

I look back & think that maybe I could have done things differently.

But I'm glad I didn't.

The hospital has since closed down.

No more house of horrors.


I promised to give more mentions to some YouTube channels that were my saving grace when I was in my bedroom suffering from severe panic attacks.

If you have read some of my blog, you already know that I've written about some other channels before. These are some past posts I've done listed in chronological order. They are included as my saviors by default in addition to the ones I’ve listed at the end of this post: 😁

Well, there are more I wanted to list. They are in no order of favoritism but the ones that may have engaged with me or replied to my comments or in a chat for some bit. My original intention was to write a separate story about each one. How they affected me & how each one had their own unique way of lighting up the screen certain days or nights. But I realized how time-consuming that would be & it would take me many, many months to complete such a project. A daunting task, for sure.

So, here are some links to their channels down below. You can pick & choose them in respect to your personal tastes. They are all different & special in some way. All of them have certain qualities that make them stick out from each other. I personally prefer the ones that make me laugh a little & welcome me like a friend.

Also, if you are a slot channel & your name is not on this list it is because there are truly SO, SO many of you guys & it's literally impossible to keep up with you all. My eyes start going bonkers & I get headaches if I watch videos for too long. So please don’t take anything personally – at all. My sincere apologies. I'm only human, for Pete's sake. 😒

For those of you listed…

Lo & behold, you appeared on my screen. You entertained me, made me laugh my ass off at times & you made it all look so easy. I know there was alot of hard work you put in to doing it. Alot of time & alot of effort…

You're all gems to me!!! 💍

You make life more colorful!!! 🎨

You're all a little nuts!!! 🙃

Including the moderators, too…

If I didn’t mention at least one moderator who is just as generous & welcoming & funny & kind, then I would not be doing this tribute its full justice.

So… Laura S., this one is for you – 💞💞💞

I've never seen a moderator as sweet as this one. Every now & then she gifts memberships during live chats. (But please do NOT take advantage of her generosity & expect it all the time. She has a budget like everyone else, OK?) Her most outstanding quality is that she takes her time to welcome people into the chat. Never did I feel shunned when I joined a livestream with her. Never did I feel like I didn't belong. She makes EVERYONE feel special. Unless you’re a mean troll just jumping in to say derogatory comments about the stream & its creator, she will definitely say a brief “Hi”. Such a blessing to the slot community! She is a gifted moderator, believe me! A true gift… 🎀

Let's see, some more moderators I'd like to mention – Omar B., Rick T., Julie H., QC C., Pam W., Pam C., Kayla E., Sami H., Slotty Math, Stephanie G., Val M., NES, Nightbot, 420, Cindy A., Queenbee, Rayven, John Ars., ToT's, Little Dutchie, KK. You all put me in stitches sometimes with your sarcastic chat comments! Much appreciated because everyone needs stitches like that sometimes. 😅

While I mention some moderators, I might as well mention the strangers I come into contact with during live chats who are always a blast to hang with online. They make you feel like you’re literally at a party, sipping wine or a beer or tequila (or even a coffee or water or whatever floats your boat). Joking about their lives or making comments about the star of the stream in a lovable way. They have formed their own little family of sorts. A sweet little sanctuary where you can mingle & just be yourself. If you’re not having a good day, they have a way of making you forget about it. Sometimes they pop in now & then & welcome you like a buddy & they totally get the silly jokes you make. They retort back with you. Witty, wild & wonderful!

Jamal S., April D., Carlis L., Suzie, Lucky 7, Gary S., Anahit, Chris P., …

👀 (I'm not done here yet, BTW. Coming back again & reediting after I take a peek to look for more people so I don’t miss anyone. I accidentally erased some names while backspacing & typing. Also I’m leaving out last names because I don’t know how uncomfortable people are with that sort of thing). 👀

Without people like them, without people who have these channels, the world would stop spinning.

And I mean that. Literally.

Kind of like those line hits when the reels stop spinning. If only for just a little bit, once in awhile they stop spinning & you know you hit a jackpot.

You were the last spin saviors that gamblers need when there's no credit left in the machine. You know how it is, right? You all chant “SAVE IT!!!” when you just need one more line hit to make a comeback.


Well, I feel like I hit the jackpot with all of you. I honestly do. I feel like you saved me on that last credit spin. I feel like you were all my last spin wager-savers. I feel like you helped me cash out on the biggest voucher of my life.

A voucher marked for JOY…

Because that is what you brought me all the weeks of watching you.


So, a big thank you from the bottom of my heart, my gambling saviors. It was never really all about who won the most while I was watching you. It was more about…

…the JOY!


P.S. I’ve mentioned this before & I’ll say it again. Noone paid me to write this & I DO NOT receive any revenue from sharing links. Also, whoever is the only person who subscribed to me on YouTube, a big “Thank You”, but my notifications didn't tell me who you were. So I seriously have no idea. The fact that I have no videos posted & am not starting a channel of my own but you still hit that subscribe button, you're definitely one of a kind! Love ya… 😆😘


(Also, some of these channels serve as moderators so a shout out for their multi-tasking skills!)


***(NOTE: I saved this last but not least link to a slot channel I've written about before. BD Slots. However, this special link is to Twitch. BD & the Mrs. (his wife) are two of the nicest people in the slot community. They are generous enough to host a couple besides themselves (the Mrs. plays Ignition on here) called Jeff MFM & the Mrs. MFM who do a “takeover” & play Bovada online on Sunday nights. Jeff & the Mrs. are a cute couple who are extremely down-to-earth & make silly observational jokes about the slots they are playing. I wish they had a link of their own, but this is the best I could do for now.)***


Dear hubby,

Hey look! Remember the roses you gave me last night? Well, take a look. I'm regifting them back to you in the form of a corny post. Here, these are for you…

You're going to bed right now & I've decided to stay up a little longer just to write you something special. When you wake up, maybe you can take a peek & see what I've done.

First off, thank you for giving me an early Valentine's gift last night! That was so kind. I'm sorry if I didn't jump for joy or get too excited when you gave them to me. I was just so tired, that's all. But in reality & way deep down where it really counts, it felt really sweet.

I'm the one that always buys the cards in advance & tries to run around making sure that when you wake up, there's something special waiting for you by the coffee pot to put a smile on your face. Today, I just stayed in my room again. I didn't leave the house & I apologize.

So this is my gift to you.

This corny post.

I took a picture of the flowers you gave me & I'm giving them back to you. Kind of like a regifting. Except with written words. Almost like that post I wrote on Medium where I gave my anniversary roses to those bullies after my suicide attempt.

But this is Valentine's Day. So it's different.

I needed to let you know something. I needed you to hear how grateful I am to have crossed paths with you. I needed to do something extra out-of-the-ordinary to show how much I appreciate you.

The spiritual experts, gurus, teachers & masters all say that gratitude is the fastest way to manifest miracles in your life. They say that if you practice saying gratitude affirmations or simply saying “Thank You” to small things in your life or to those around you, your vibrational level changes.

I believe it.

I've practiced it silently or put on meditation music from YouTube & noticed a shift in my consciousness. There are days I don't consistently do it & I have definitely noticed a difference when I don't, but maybe just writing this will help. Even if for a little while.

The biggest quality I want you to know I appreciate you for this Valentine's Day is – your simplicity.

You're simple…

And by simple, I don't mean you're uneducated or dumb or not worldly or not sophisticated or not cool or you're behind-the-times.

You're just satisfied with what IS.

You don't have any social media profiles, you don't post anything online for the whole world to see, you don't have the highest digitally upgraded equipment in the house, you don't try to be famous for anything. You're just plain content to be in the background. You're humble. You just live your life. Day by day. One by one. Next moment to the next.

In that respect, I adore you.

They say opposites attract to balance each other out. Maybe so. Because look at all the social media posts I've written. Look at all the crazy stuff I've posted. You know it's all true. But still?

AND… then, there’s you.

Hahaaaaa… 😂😂😂

But you know about all of it & it doesn't seem to bother you somehow. You accept it. Or maybe you're just good at pretending it's OK.

I'm not quite sure. I honestly think it's because you knew I really needed some new & different friends after all I've been through.


Thank you for seeing my brokenness & my wanting to grow & reach out into the world to find joy again. To make new & exciting friends. To have fun this time around in my life. To take some risks. To laugh again the way I used to.

There are times when I wish you were just as flamboyant as I tend to be. I wish you would just come out of your shell & dance a little more in public. Be a little more spontaneous. But I can't wish you to be something that you're not. I can't change you. So I won’t.

Just like you can’t change me.

So… here is my grateful post letting you know how much I appreciate you. Even with all the differences we have, I still see similarities as well.

All I know is – I really do still love you.

I STILL do after all these years…


P.S. Oops, I almost forgot. Happy Valentine's Day!

ZERO dollars… 💰

Yep, ZERO dollars… 💰

Just to clear up anyone's rumors or thoughts on if I'm getting paid to write anything on here. Or if someone paid me to write about them.

Noone has. And I've never required them to nor asked them to.

If I share links, I am getting NO residuals.

If I share posts, I am getting NO residuals.

If I share my memories, I am getting NO residuals.

If I share my thoughts, I am getting NO residuals.

If I decide to promote people out of the bottom of my heart, I am getting NO residuals.

I believe there is an option in the settings where you can click on some choices to do that. But I haven't done that yet.

And no, this title was not clickbait. Nor am I complaining. It was just to clear up any misconceptions that others had. But when I do choose to make money from it, that will be my choice, also.

In the meantime, I only write when I feel the need to purge or when I have an instinct to elevate & showcase others by bringing them into the light.

Sometimes I like to do things for free -



They say diamonds are a girl's best friend. In some cases, that's true. But random short love notes are really mine.

When I'm in pain or start to complain or start spiraling into a dark place, I go in my drawer & pull these out to remind me that simple gestures mean the most.

My New Year's resolution is to move on from the past but also to remember the good from the past at the same time.

If that makes any sense.

We've had a turbulent relationship. It's not perfect. (Just like his spelling). But if people ever ask “Why did you stay…?”

It's because he payed attention to triple angel numbers & was always grateful when he saw them on the clock.


I look back on my highlight reel of best moments for me to watch on YouTube from 2022. If people have read some of my blogs, they see that I love gambling videos.

The one moment for me that deserves my personal Oscar award – 🎬

The Most Heartfelt Reaction of 2022

The Big Payback

I witnessed the most heartfelt & genuine reaction of this gambler winning live. My husband was laying next to me watching. If you want to fast forward, please go to the 1:40:00 mark & watch from there. It's about 10 minutes from the end.

This man wins the MEGA live on camera as he is filming & I’ve never felt so genuinely happy for someone from the bottom of my heart. I literally had tears in my eyes because his child-like innocence was captured so poetically. 💞

I've been subscribed to him for awhile & he's always come close to some decent jackpots.

But this one took the cake for me because he never took it for granted that he WON something! To some people it might be chump change. To him, it wasn't. It was pure… joyful… ecstasy!!!

He affected so many people that were watching with him in real-time. He made people genuinely tear up. The comments that people were making on live chat & later on his page came from a deep place because his love for showcasing slot machines is REAL.

So, I had to make this my last post for 2022.

It really made a gut-wrenching ache in my heart on that livestream. Of course, in a blissful way, I mean. A positive & happy way. More like ethereal. He was so genuinely moved. Not afraid to show softness while filming. He was stunned silent, just for a little bit. 😢

People know I'm married, but sometimes that doesn't mean you can't fall in love with someone on camera.

With all due respect to his wife & my husband, I honestly fell in love that night.

Thank you, Tim…

Thank you for coming from a sweet & delicate place in an environment that often isn't. You are a genuine class act.

You make playing slots & winning seem like a surreal, spiritual experience… ✨

I hope you read this & listen to this video with your wife & little doggy. I hope you hold them tight & never let them go & take them for granted. Just like you never took that win for granted that night. Thanks for answering all my comments & your unwavering patience. I’ll never forget the memories.

You are truly one of the humblest & kindest people I have ever come across in my life.

Here's some cheers to creating more memories in 2023! 🍾🍸🍾

BTW, I truly love you…


Well, I kept my promise...

Repeat, I kept my promise…

I’ve broken promises before due to my relatively short attention span, but this time I had to keep it. I had to commit.

I wrote about some YouTube channels before on my blog & I mentioned that I was going to write about some more. The reason it’s been taking me so long is because I actually have to watch the videos in order to make a decision & sometimes it takes hours & hours & hours of viewing.

Patience is a virtue, the saying goes. To be honest, I don’t have much myself. (But I expect everyone else to). Hahaaa…😆

The only reason I started doing this is because I've been having severe panic attacks & sometimes I don’t leave the house for days. They can be very debilitating. I start feeling lonely & isolated & the only thing that cheers me up are gambling videos. So I turned my anxiety into something positive by elevating other people & their work.

Elevating other people has helped me to heal. 🙏

OK, enough introduction there, here is another link to a slot channel I watched recently -

Here is a link to the holiday special they did recently. Notice the spoof & reference to the famous Hollywood movie franchise “The Hangover.” VERY CREATIVE!!!


All I can say is who has all this energy???

BD Slots is so naughty with some of the words coming out of his mouth while filming. Almost like there are really no censors or no filters, just RAW!!!!

I believe the initials stand for “Big Daddy”.

His wife comes along with him, as well as some of his friends.

Also, not much shame in having a beer & saying cheers to the audience. Definitely no shame there! 🍺🍻🍺

We are all truly unique in the way we present ourselves to the world. Especially if someone has a channel & is trying to market themselves. In my heart, I’m not quite sure this guy is a really complicated marketing machine. (Or maybe he is, I've been wrong before). This guy just REALLY LOVES people & loves making people feel good! One of the biggest hams I've ever seen in the way that he spews his sarcasm while the camera is rolling.

The reason I wanted to give him a little highlight is he tries really hard to look at people's comments while the livestream is playing. That is quite a difficult task. Trust me, I have a hard time keeping up with people's comments while in a chat myself because it goes so quickly. 👀

That means you have to actually read like lightning fast ⚡ & then respond to the person who typed it ⚡ & then make comical jokes ⚡ & then keep your focus on playing slots ⚡ & then do math if you win a jackpot ⚡ & then interact with the friends around him who are making comments & hamming it up as well ⚡ & then jump to another machine & start the ball rolling on entertaining again ⚡ & then deal with strangers sitting next to him who are talking or interrupting him (but he includes them in the fun instead of being annoyed) ⚡ & then score another jackpot ⚡ & then make more off-the-cuff comments to more people joining the live chat ⚡ & then order another drink ⚡ & then look at the chat again & have more people typing & more responding ⚡ & did I say that he tries to actually keep up with all the comments???!!! 😛

Yikes, yikes, yikes! How fast can someone be? How much energy can someone have??? 😲

I've learned from watching these channels that there is tons of work involved. Tons. The creators just make it look easy, that's all. So if you are subscribing & watching, it is basically the same as having a remote control & watching your cable on TV & clicking & seeing what catches your eye. You go back & forth, check to see if you want comedy or drama for the day & whatever mood you happen to be in, then that’s the channel you decide to watch for the night.

Channel surfing, I think they call it. Everybody does it. It's normal.

Anyways, this guy deserved a shout-out to me because he really works hard. The one drawback people don't know when you create a channel is the overwhelming comments people like to shout out. When you are in your living room watching normal television, there are no comments from around the world being displayed. You don’t have to put up with everybody's thoughts, right? Well this guy DEFINITELY puts up with people’s thoughts. I don’t know how, but he does. I know once he starts having more subscribers, it will be a little harder & more challenging for him but it looks like he will be able to handle it.

He always responded & engaged with my comments I wrote him on his page, too. Not knowing I'm actually kind of shy around people sometimes in real life. He didn't know, nor did he care. Nor was he bothered by my heart emojis. I like to give them out innocently & randomly because they are supposed to warm people across the ice cold hard & frigid internet world we live in.

It doesn't look like he has a jealous wife who warns him about giving heart emojis out either, because he gives them back!

LOL… 😆


He includes people. He includes his subscribers. He mentioned on a livestream that anyone who wants to do group pulls with him, he welcomes them.


He is a multi-tasker. Extreme multi-tasker.

A definite standout & star on the streets & boulevards of the YouTube “Walk-of-Fame.” 🎥📺

Also, I forgot to mention that in his profile, he describes himself as a big teddy bear. And teddy bears are for hugging, right?

Well, then? Who honestly doesn't want to have a REAL & LIVE teddy bear???

I don't know about you, but I sure do!


P.S. Good luck, Big Daddy, to you & your wife & crew in jackpot heaven. You deserve to be blessed with many, that’s for sure. Thank you for making us all feel included in your party. Because that's what parties are for.

Hugs & hugs & more & more hugs to you…

And of course, Happy, Happy New Year…


Here is a link to an exciting New Year's Eve story that I thought I would share: 😂

OK, sounds deliciously fun! Party in Times Square everybody! 🍾🎉🍾

Happy New Year's Rockin’ Eve!!! (Booze free)…


Oops, I mean… 😴😴😴

Merry Christmas everyone!


I had to delete a Telegram account I innocently just opened up yesterday.

People who know me know that I'm not the most technically savvy person in the world. You could sit down & show me something & I’ll get it, but usually I make mistakes & learn that way. I was trying to open an account to get in touch with just one person, that's all.

No such luck.

Instead, I woke up today to check my newly opened account to search for my friend & found out there was some weird stuff going on. (Maybe hacking since I didn't set a passcode)? 🤔

There was only one profile icon I used with my initials AC on it. I used my full name too.

Then I started searching & found out other accounts were being opened with just the name Anita so I knew that most likely the same thing was going to happen to me that happened on Facebook. Random strange people were going to start chats, pretend it’s me, send porn, pictures, say mean things or whatever, bully me, hack into my account, etc., etc…

You know the old saying? – “Same sh*t, different day”. Well, it wasn't even one complete day yet.

Also, I remember seeing the name Anita with a cartoonish duck icon last night right after I opened my account. I thought it was bizarre because it was like someone was watching me in real-time setting up my account right away.

And the duck icon really made me realize how mean people can be. I've been called “duckface” before & I remember sitting at the casino once & someone yelling next to me – “It looks like a duck!” Out loud, the way a high-school bully would do. Lightbulb after lightbulb kept going off in my brain & I flashed back to all the cruelty that happened to me before my suicide attempt. There were so many people calling me so many mean things about the way I looked.

“Ugly, skanky, duckface, bitch…” (I can add more).

Strangers. People who didn’t even know me. Because the friends I have know me better & would never say those things to me. Why??? Because they KNOW me.

Anyways, they were really cruel words in public. It never stopped. It was constant. When I say constant, I literally mean for about 5 years consistently. Truly.

5 freakin’ years! 😳

After logging on & experiencing this, I pondered & reflected & told myself that I was not going to let a silly chat site ruin my peace of mind. If people think I'm ugly, that's OK. But you don't have to set up accounts & start bullying me again to ruin my Christmas day.

So, if anyone sent pictures under my name or chatted with you under a Telegram account, it wasn't me. I sent 2 kind messages hoping to get in touch with just one friend & I couldn't. It hasn't even been 24 hours & I have to shut another account down because of worrying about whether it’s going to be hacked all the time.

So hey, I am sorry I couldn’t find you on Telegram, my friend. 😢 I tried hard.

Yeah, so that’s my Christmas post to you…

I'm writing to tell you -


Remember the Grinch stole all of the Christmas presents at the end of the movie? 🎁

Then he woke up & saw all the Whoville villagers didn’t care if the gifts were gone.

Well, that's me today.

I don't care how others see me. I don't care if they try & steal my gifts on Christmas day.

You know why?

Because there are lots & lots of Grinches out there! (I'm talking about all year round, too, not at this time of year only).

My husband still sees beauty in me & that's all that really matters. 🙏

So if you are reading this & have been told that you are ugly. Like, constantly…

If people are always cutting you down. Like, always…

If you are being bullied about the way you look, the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you carry yourself – remember it's always the most insecure people who try to make YOU feel insecure.

Just keep that in mind.


  1. Don't let people steal your joy. 😁

  2. Don't let people steal your peace. 😇

  3. Everyone has beauty inside & outside of them. You & you & you & you… Yeah, I’m pointing at YOU! ☚ ☛


So that is my Christmas gift to you. That's the only thing I can bring to the table right now. Some insights, that’s all. If I talk about myself alot on here it’s because it’s my blog with my name. So I’m allowed… 😂

In all seriousness, I just figure I can help others by sharing whatever is going on with my life. If it uplifted you in some way or gave you a new perspective on your life, then all the better.

Yawn, yawn, OK, I’m pretty much done for now. I know this post seems rather odd, but it's the only way I can express myself.

Kind of like a duck. 🦆

You look at the duck, see an ugly duckling, say “Hmmm, it looks kind of odd”…

But before you know it, it slowly grows & then turns into a rather beautiful swan.

It may have taken awhile, it may have been a little slower than you wanted it to be…

But poof! Right before your eyes, it finally became a SWAN…

Awww, yeppp, finally…

A beautiful & breathtaking SWAN… 🦢 🌼


P.S. Merry Christmas. Remember, you are ALL beautiful. It may take time before others see it, but you've always had it inside of you. From day one. Always.

I took a snapshot of another earth plane angel I came across in this lifetime. One of the most gifted, eccentric, honest & balls-to-the-walls writers I’ve ever seen on Medium or anywhere else.

She took alot of shots in her lifetime but she just kept plugging away. Even after a stroke, a coma, a near-death experience & surviving abuse – she found a way to use her writing gifts to inspire those around her. She turned her tragedies into works of art.

Thank you for your stories, Jan!

Most importantly – your COURAGE. This one's for you…🎖🏅🎖