With all due respect to my husband, my purest love was in Paris. My hubby knows about my adventure there – 5 years before I met him.

Azzedine was the purest love I’ve had, pretty much in my mind, at least. Unconditional love. The joy-provoking, innocent, deep, wild, crazy, intense, free, no strings-attached, not expecting anything back, in-the-moment, spontaneous kind-of love. Sometimes silently. Sometimes just a look with the eyes. Very child-like… 💑

I was the one who had to make the first move because he was rather shy at first. If I look back & think hard enough, I believe I gave him some fresh sweets I had bought from a French boulangerie. That was my way of breaking the ice.

We kept connecting with our eyes in the guest TV room where he was working as a hotel receptionist. I felt so drawn to him even though I didn't speak French & knew it would be difficult to communicate. The only articles I brought with me were a tiny translation book & a mini-calculator that was similar to Google-translating software that we have nowadays. Not much to work with honestly. We communicated through alot of gestures, eye gazing, silence, mind telepathy & broken pieces of French & English.

The greatest technological software had not been released to the masses yet – the smartphone – but it was the best I could do for the time.

No Googling to see each other's profiles on Facebook, not caring how popular (or unpopular) our posts were, not being jealous of each other’s social media accounts or caring who was more famous than the other. We didn’t care because we didn't have the technology yet to even have the slightest idea what the other person was all about.

I had NO clue. He had NO clue.

And that's why it was so PURE! 💓

The thing I remember about him most was his soulfulness. He would watch me sleep sometimes & I would wake up & catch him doing it. Then he'd playfully tell me I was snoring. He always saw goodness & beauty in my actions. He never talked down about me. Even when his friends warned about me being “American” & that our love was “impossible”, whatever that supposedly meant, he only saw pure light. 💛

And even if he didn't agree with me, it was always done in a playful way. Hinting sweetly. Playfully innocent.

He never manhandled me. He was just the most non-violent & authentically genuine human being who always told me that the main reason he loved me was because I was wild & crazy. In a good way, not a derogatory way.

Just out of the blue, looking in my eyes, saying “Do you know why I love you?”

I'd play along & go “Why, Azzedine?”

“Because you are CRAZY, that's why!!!”

And then we'd just giggle & laugh…

Here is a photo showing how crazy HE was! 😆 Jumping in the River Seine!

Those were the innocent gestures he meant by crazy. The small acts of joyous impetuousness that people who love each other have.

The most unconditional love from a man who never tried to mold me into anything. If I jumped up & down from joy in public with him, he was all in. Never embarrassed. Just never cared if I laughed too loud or broke into spontaneous affection. It never bothered him if people thought we were too touchy-feely in public.

I remember one night when we traveled all the way up to the Eiffel Tower & graffiti-ed our initials on the inside of it, along with all the other lovers who did. We felt like little kids.

He was an Algerian-Muslim who was a couple years older than me & was studying at a university in Paris to be a teacher. The conflict of the Algerian Civil War had made him move to France. There was not alot of knowledge I had about the war going on but he didn't care. He didn't care if I knew about his religion or his nationality & he never implied I was stupid for not knowing. He just accepted me & didn't try to change me at all. Just pure acceptance.

I remember having a dream about him a couple months ago where he looked a little older & his hair was a little grayer & he was a little chubbier. I’m not sure what it meant, although I do believe he was communicating to me through the collective consciousness of the subconscious mind when asleep. Like a “mind-meld”. Like we were thrust into another realm together & no matter how far away we were from each other physically, our spirits weren't.

He was one man that wasn't afraid to express his vulnerable & soft side. Sometimes he would just gaze at me, not say a word & a tear would roll down his cheek. He knew I only had 3 months in Paris & would be going home after that & he was always aware of how precious our time was together. Like he savored every second because he knew there would come a day when I would be gone. That's why he never took me for granted.

Maybe that’s why I wrote this. Maybe I feel taken for granted & my memories wander to a place & time when I felt pure magic.

Is it possible to feel this ever again?

I feel like I’m caught in a time warp & can’t get out & I’m wandering inside trying to poke holes in the bubble to get out. If I had a time machine right now, this would be the moment in time I would propel myself to.

Wherever you are Azzedine, I miss you. I know it would have lasted if I studied my French a little more & you studied your English a little more.

Maybe, though, you were meant to be just another memory of mine. Fragmented, but still a crazy memory.

“Tu me manques, Azzedine. Tu me manques.” 💌

Thinking of Libby makes me feel like I'm watching a sunset I caught…

The kind I caught in a rear-view mirror when I was driving & I had to stop the car at a stoplight, take out my camera, snap quickly & breathe in wonderment before I started driving again.

That's how Libby made me feel.

At first I thought of her as an angel in the locker room. But I wanted to put a picture to describe how I felt about her. I honestly have no pictures of angels in real life that I’ve caught. Although I feel their presence always & actually saw one hovering in my bedroom one night, I've never been able to catch one on camera.

So, just like me catching a rainbow & thinking of someone. 🌈

Or me catching a full moon & thinking of another person. 🌕

Or me catching a couple of deer in the backyard & thinking of yet another person. 🦌

Or me casually catching a dark rain cloud & thinking of someone else again. 🌩

I’ve decided she's more of the sunset to me. Sunsets are usually enjoyed when it's later in the day & you are reflecting on past memories, quietly sitting & watching & thinking. Thinking of quick flashes of the day's events & small happenings, trivial or large, whatever they may be.

She took the time to talk with me one day in length & never complained about it. She also gave me the deepest hug I've ever received, like ever… In my life…

When I was in alot of pain, both physical & psychic. Not psychological, but yes, psychic pain. That is the kind of pain that is trapped in your body & is leaving heavy residues of trauma & you are carrying it around in your consciousness & cells every day. It is a deeper kind of pain that not many people are aware of because we all walk around suppressing everything negative from our past. So instead of identifying it & clearing it, we all just keep suppressing & keep snapping selfies to make us feel good about ourselves.

And that's OK, too, because it's 2022 & that’s how this generation has learned to deal with everything. Just keep snapping. Keep on happying!!! 🙃

I believe Libby is an empath. I’m not quite sure if she thinks so herself, but she picks up on very subtle energies. Empaths do that. They seem to sense or feel more than the average Joe. They can be very intuitive to a higher degree than others & sometimes may feel lighter or heavier around certain people after absorbing their energies.

I remember her looking me deep in the eyes & asking me how I was. Not just politely, but in essence trying to let me know on a deeper level that she was trying to connect in a way that I can only describe was like an E.T. sort-of level. You know, like in the movie when E.T. just gazes in your eyes & GETS you without literally talking? 👁👁

She has a rear-view aura to me. Kind of like the photo below.

Not noticeable at first, but when you look back & think of the soul-baring vibrations she was capable of you go, oh, yeah! Wow, that was really an amazing encounter I had with her! She made me feel??? Lighter? Is that a good word? I guess lighter. Yeah, like when you didn't really notice right from the bat & you just look back & keep going, hmmm???

The moment you look in the rear-view mirror & just are in awe of the beauty that is around us & you have to say “No way, did you just see that?”

And her eyes, they penetrate you like lasers but in reality she is soaking everything up about you. Like she sees through you but it’s not uncomfortable at all because she sees GOOD things & GOOD thoughts.

I remember that hug, too. It made me chuckle to myself because she is quite petite & I'm thinking to myself how could someone so tiny hug so big? Like it felt like a hug from a giant because it felt so huge & encompassing. Swallowing you whole & completing you. Squeezing. Tightly. Lasting really long. You know, those long ones when someone-doesn't-want-to-see-you-go kind.

Well, I never wanted to let her go. But we had to. We had to go about finishing our day.

So, I'm giving her the longest hug back. By writing this. Because if she ever reads it, maybe it will stay in her memory.

And maybe this memory will last longer.

Because some etched memories you just don’t want to let go of. Kind of like that hug…


There was a moment in time when our clocks turned back & it got darker earlier a couple weeks ago. I witnessed a very small gesture from a man in blue that didn't involve guns, shootouts or high-speed chasing.

It touched me. My heart skipped a beat. I thought I fell in love quite quickly (a crush, really) but I never met him face-to-face. 😍

I was driving along a busy road in the dark & swerved quickly after seeing a police officer's car stopped on the right-hand side with its lights flashing. It caught my eye really quickly but I thought I saw a deer buck quietly sitting in the road positioned directly behind the police car.

The poor deer was just looking about. Very calmly. With its head held high, its antlers rising tall. Naively watching traffic go by. Almost dumb-looking, like it really had no clue what was going on.

The reality of the situation was I believe the cop pulled over to help the deer from getting caught in the crosshairs of traffic. Maybe he parked there to calm the deer down because it was a rather busy time of day & it would cause a lot of commotion or traffic accidents if the buck went wildly crazy. Obviously he was alerting other drivers to let them know there was an animal sitting in the road so no-one would get hurt. Honestly, I wasn’t up close to assess the situation so I don’t know for sure, but it was just a superficial observation.

After I swerved & passed, I had this crazy impulse to turn around & introduce myself. I needed to see who this officer was that was so considerate & thoughtful. So I drove & finished my errand real quickly, got back into the car & made a beeline for the way back. I was searching for the officer & deer & focusing on the far left-side of the road, quickly scanning in the dark.

My heart dropped. They were gone already. It had only been 5 to 10 minutes & it looked like the situation had already been neutralized. 🙁

Awww, I said to myself, I really wanted to meet this person. (It could have probably been a female cop for all I know, but my curiosity had gotten the best of me).

Well, I’m married so maybe this confession sounds rather corny. And it’s not even a confession but only an insight into sometimes my thought processes. We are all allowed to have innocent impulses, aren’t we? Especially if they don't mean anything more than wanting to just meet a kind person.

I was willing to just say ‘Hi'. 🖐

Nothing more. That’s all.

Sometimes you don't have to read too deeply into a situation. Sometimes it's just that. A simple impulsive kind-hearted gesture.

After all, he performed an innocent gesture on his part, didn't he?


I have bits-n-pieces of memories that I sort through in my mind. My mind is still putting thoughts together. Trying to make sense of all the events that didn’t make sense before but suddenly do now looking back. When I write to purge memories in my mind, it’s actually very difficult to do. To a normal person reading, you'd think that it looks easy. But it actually isn't. What’s difficult is that I have to relive the actual trauma in my mind as I’m writing so it feels like I’m going through it all over again. And trust me, it’s not pleasant. It sends me into a deep anxious state. But I need to vomit it out of my consciousness, so to speak. So I have to seriously do it & get rid of its toxic residue in my mind.

One memory is the day my drink was spiked. 🍹

A year & ½ ago.

Four months after my assault in the hospital & almost 2 weeks later after I publicly wrote about it.

Drink spiking is considered a premeditated act & personal violation of your body.

That means that within 4 months apart from each other my body had been violated twice. Each by forcible drugging.

I never filed a report to law enforcement this time because I literally gave up on anyone who had the power to help me. It was just another incident for them to be invisibly filed away so why would I even attempt to seek assistance again? The last timed I filed a report, I was met with indifference. A number was given to me at the top of the page in the right-hand corner but when I did a search for it online, it didn't show that it was filed. Maybe an innocent mistake. But it just felt like another cry for help that won't lead to anything anyways. Just deaf ears. That seems to be the norm.

I was driving home in broad daylight after attending a party. Unaware. Not knowing. Wondering why I felt so heavy & sleepy because I only had a couple of drinks. Only 2 or 3 & that is definitely not enough to make me feel the way I did. Especially since I was at the house for a couple of hours & that means my body had enough time to filter anything out. One drink per hour is the usual scientific method for calculating how long alcohol stays in your system. So before I get in my car these days, I try to always be aware of how I feel & I honestly felt like I could handle a moving piece of machinery that day.

This strange & immediate feeling came over me about 10 minutes later. There was a dense heaviness in my body, almost like a weighed-down pushing sensation. Sinking deeper into my car seat. My eyes started getting blurrier & my head started nodding off.

Did you ever get so bored sitting in your old high school classes way back when? Trying to listen to the teacher & absorb some knowledge but your head kind of drops slowly & then you catch yourself so you snap it back up quickly?

“Hey, I'm here. I’m awake. I’m listening! Don’t flunk me, please?” 😳

Well, that is the feeling I had. Just trying to keep my eyes open but nodding off at the same time.

This doesn’t feel right, I told myself. I truly felt like my body just felt too heavy for the amount of drinks I consumed. It didn't feel normal.

Sometimes when I feel uncomfortable in a situation, my first instinct is to pray. I don’t think that is necessarily a rational decision but it always seems to calm me & make me feel in control again. Surrendering to something higher, whether it be Jesus or Buddha or God or the Holy Spirit, that is always the place in my mind that I go to. (Angels, too. Lets not forget about those angels!) 💛👼💛

So I just kept praying to myself. Repeatedly. Just praying. Quietly.

Over & over & over again… 🙏

Non-stop… 🙏

My mind was fighting really hard to overcome ending up unconscious. I literally WILLED my mind to stay awake.

I talked to myself, prayed to myself, talked to myself, prayed to myself, talked to myself, prayed to myself… 🕇

Anyways, a miracle DID happen! 💫

I finally made it home. The first thing I did was text my friend to let her know I made it home OK. Then I threw myself onto the couch. My husband seemed concerned because he kept telling me to get up & go lay in my bedroom. It wasn't a normal habit for me to fall asleep on the couch. My normal routine is always sleeping in my bedroom. I couldn't find the energy to get up & transfer my body just less than 15 feet away. It literally felt like I had these amazing boulders of stone on me. Just too heavy to carry. Too much weighted-down pressure on me.

So my husband just let me fall asleep that way after shaking me a couple of times with no success. I just melted into the couch.

Finally, I woke up & looked around & realized I didn’t remember much. Like I had amnesia. Short-term memory loss. A head that felt really foggy. I can only describe it as having a lobotomy where snippets of my brain were removed. I checked my text to see if anyone texted me back. Nothing. Yet…

It was my decision to never tell my friend who invited me about what happened because I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I never hurled accusations at her or called her to tell her the details. Maybe it was someone at the party unbeknownst to her & she was totally unaware of it. A separate incident from the party she was hosting. Most definitely though, when I had my back turned, somebody there had slipped me a dose of something. I don't know exactly what because I never had a blood test done the day after. But they say hindsight is 20/20 & I know for sure, without a doubt, it was a DRUG without my consent! My trust was gone in terms of going back to that same house ever again.

I was scared & afraid & didn't want to talk about it with anyone. So I just kept it to myself all this time. 🤐

When I reflect on the incident, I wonder if it was retaliation for me speaking up about what happened to me 4 months previously. What were their intentions? To cause me to lose control of the wheel? To have me pass out & end up dead? Why would anyone go to the extreme of doing that to harm me? Was I supposed to fall asleep at the party & then be physically violated? Was I drugged to make it appear that I drank more than I really did?

I'll never know.

What I do know is that it was another aggressive attempt on my body in just a relatively short period of time. People can only handle so much physical & psychological trauma before they start talking about it & let others know that maliciousness & hatred run rampant towards older women too. These crimes don't just happen to high school or college-age girls. They can happen to anyone.

It's tiring. I’m exhausted from it all. What kind of side effects will stay in my body after this? Why do I feel almost ashamed talking about it instead of empowered? I believe that is how most victims feel after long periods of time. They mistakenly feel that it is their fault when it is NOT. It’s time we stop thinking this way. 💝

I’m just more fed up than anything else now. Fed up.

When do these outrageous acts of hatred ever stop? When does the stalking stop? When do people stop crossing the line & just let someone live a peaceful life of their own choosing? How long does it keep going on? When do others just respect your life & stop spewing toxic acts of violence on your body? When can they just focus on their own life instead? When?

I don't know. And I won’t pretend to have all the answers.

All I know is I don’t consider myself a victim anymore. That word makes me cringe, to a degree. I’m a survivor! Those are the words I'm most proud of. Those are the words I choose to use instead. Those are the words YOU should use also if this has ever happened to you!

Not a V-I-C-T-I-M

But a S-U-R-V-I-V-O-R !!!


A brilliant Hollywood portrayal of Jean Seberg, the famous actress who “supposedly” committed suicide, is an amazing view into the gangstalking tactics that were used by J. Edgar Hoover back in the day. My hubby & I watched it on Amazon Prime last year. It was refreshing to see someone write the truth about what the government will do to use all its power to silence innocent civilians. The movie is called “Seberg”.

Jean Seberg was blacklisted, slandered, obsessively surveilled & wiretapped, harassed, gangstalked, set up, discredited, reputation ruined, lied about, bullied, etc. All the tactics they used to make her look like she was unstable are shown in this riveting movie based on actual events. She was an extremely non-violent & misunderstood person who was a civil rights activist & was sympathetic to black people & the Black Panther movement. If you watch this, you will see how inhumanely she was treated for being an outspoken woman interested in the political arena for that era & time. That happened more than 50 years ago & is still happening to other innocent civilians in this day & age. She actually attempted suicide a couple of times due to the intimidation & harassment tactics they used on her.

I am not advocating the glamour of Hollywood by speaking about this film. Nor did I get paid to write about this movie. Nor am I just a huge sympathizer of celebrities. Gangstalking is happening right now in ALL walks of life due to the constant barrage of social media platforms popping up. People are being harassed, intimidated, stalked & targeted electronically all across the world & hackers are continually finding new ways to keep up. I’m only trying to enlighten & make people aware of how the government will try to make a statement by using people in the limelight to shut up those they consider a threat to their system.

The ruthlessness of how they treated this woman just because of her sticking up for the underdog & contributing money to help people of color was outrageous. Falling in love with a black man may have pushed a couple of buttons but who is it for the government to really have an interest in someone's personal life? Oh wait, that brings to mind the time when Martin Luther King Jr. was blackmailed because of his affairs & they basically told him to kill himself via a letter that was mailed to him?

NOT MLK!!! ☮

NO WAY!!! ☮


I promised to write a story or notes to myself about my gangstalking experiences to purge myself of all the cruelty inflicted on me the last 5 years of my life. It helps with my healing. And, of course, if it resonates with anyone else reading, even better. That means I helped a victim feel less alone.

If you are reading this & you feel like giving up because noone understands what you are going through, please remember you have LIGHT inside of you! You have worth. You are not all alone or isolated or left for dead in your mind. I felt so embarrassed for so long because I thought noone could fully comprehend the pain I was dealing with. Physical AND psychological. You are most definitely a survivor! Remember that, please…

I've had friends & family who did not support me through my darkest hour & that is OK. Not everyone is meant to be in your life at all times & at all hours of the day. They have their own life & their own priorities. Just make sure you treat yourself with self-love in spite of it all. Your best friend should be YOURSELF.

And last but not least, hold your head high.

The gossip people will try to destroy you with is just that. GOSSIP!

We all have lives, we are all human, none of us are perfect…


You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed about in your life.

Absolutely NOTHING!!!


I decided today to purge at least one gangstalking memory a day that led to my suicide attempt. If not daily, then at least weekly. The more research I do on other victims & some of the stories I read about other people's experiences, the more willing I become to stand up & speak out. I signed a few petitions recently. Here is one I signed about a month ago:

Cherice Moore is an extremely brave woman in the military who started a petition on to bring awareness to gangstalking. She has been a victim & I believe one of her daughters attempted suicide & lived. I think that will probably change any parent to try & seek answers on such a malicious & cruel campaign to torture people.

I was also a victim of coordinated bullying. I'm not in the military, just an ordinary civilian. People stalked me, followed me, yelled cruel names at me in public, said malicious things to me at random while walking by them. Strangers I never even met or spoke to. Sometimes even young kids or children too. Wherever I went, they were there to taunt & sadistically bully me. It was grueling. They did it to my younger sister, as well. She took her own life as a result of it & I was never the same after that.

However, I'm working on my healing. I'm working on letting go. I'm working on forgiving. It's been very exhausting, but I'm trying the best I could. Forgiveness seems to be the most important quality to cultivate, that is for sure... 🙏

Sometimes all it takes is just one person you love deeply to help bring change. Even if you only love one person deeply, sometimes that's enough…


Self-help books have always been a go to for me. I find solace in people who share their wisdom. They are not afraid to teach you because they feel that elevating others with words & thoughts can be a higher form of giving. Not everyone can be physically tangible & accounted for day in & day out in a classroom so reading books is a way to absorb knowledge for me. Here are a few names to help you if you so choose.

Adamus St. Germain, Richard Dotts, U.S. Andersen, Neville Goddard, Esther & Jerry Hicks, Rhonda Byrne, Louise Hay, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Merlin Starlight, Natalie Ledwell.

(Just to name a few).

Thank you for elevating my consciousness!


A great way to check out if you want to read the actual full book is downloading a sample on Kindle. Like I do.

Good luck & remember your yesterdays do NOT define you, nor do other people's thoughts about you. You can change your thoughts at any given moment to create your next moment in time!

Love & light to everyone!!!


I had to shut down my Facebook account. I don’t regret it. It was the best thing I've done for my sanity because it was getting absolutely ridiculous with what I had to keep up with. People messaging me d**k pics, porn, wacky ways for me to keep donating money, constant calling from strangers on video chat, gangstalking, etc… you name it. On the plus side, there were alot of wonderful new people I met & became friends with but it was just not for me.

Also, I posted this photo & caption 2 yrs. ago & it was very controversial because alot of “friends” blocked me. (No cross anymore, BTW). It was the most innocent tongue-in-cheek joke I put out there hoping to make people laugh at themselves. It was meant as a satiric critical poke at society about the narcissistic tendencies we exhibit on social platforms. All of us are guilty of them. Including myself. It was a way for me to relieve some steam due to logging on every day & being annihilated by all the constant barrage of people's comments. I was so naive thinking people would get the sarcasm & laugh at themselves. But I think I pissed some people off & I didn't honestly realize how offended people can get & how triggered someone can get by social media jokes. Everyone has their own way of coping with circumstances in life & mine was humor. I think my post went along the lines that I was in the process of writing a book & developing a movie about my experiences & if anyone in Hollywood dared to copy it, I would have to sue them for copyright infringement. It was done in complete fun & it was meant to bring nothing but laughter & joy.

Oh, well, geez, sorry guys. You live & you learn. 🙄

I’m trying to learn to laugh at myself a little more these days too, I guess. Social media is not easy, that's for sure.

Anyways, just to clear the air about that moment in my life!

But in all seriousness, again, if anyone really DOES copy this, you’re in trouble…


I went to grab a fresh-n-ready pizza last night & while we were waiting, my hubby decided to try a carnival claw machine situated in the seating area. There were so many sweet, fuzzy & cute-looking animals that we were trying to grab. We kept trying & trying but the claw failed & dropped them all.

Lo & behold, we decided to keep going & we finally grabbed the least cuddliest – a zombie panda!

Leave it to me to attract dead people!


We couldn't even see it at first. It was buried so deeply under all the other toys. Like wayyyy dowwwwn in the underrrrworrrrld… 👹👺

We giggled out loud. Out of all the sweetest & most innocent-looking fur babies that were in the claw cage, fate dealt us the ONLY one that looked like a demon!

What are the odds of that happening on “The Day of the Dead”??? 👻😱

While driving home, we drove through the dark dense fog & I thought how eerie & serene it was. And it dawned on me that I actually felt comforted in the presence of my new fur baby. I’ve never been one to feel uncomfortable with cemeteries or ghosts. To be honest, I always felt at peace around them. There has always been a deep connection with the supernatural or paranormal in my life & this actually deepened my faith in the unseen forces of that world.

They say on this special holiday in Mexico (similar to Halloween), that people light candles for their deceased ones to come out & celebrate with the living for that day. There is joy & laughing & festivities. So basically, I invoked my dead loved ones & they decided to give me a sign in a funny & playful way. Like a sarcastic joke!


Most orthodox belief systems tend to see dead people as demonic or evil. I don't. I see them as souls that have passed into another realm & are hovering & waiting to communicate with others who can understand.

Of course, I will welcome my new stuffed animal with open arms & treat him the same as my other ones. He's not your average carnival toy but it looks like he found the perfect family.

Spirits just want to be seen & heard. Sometimes we need to listen to them & bring them into the light… 💛

They have important things to tell us after all, don't they?


I took screenshots of 9 poems I wrote from 2009 through 2016 that were published on a website & in poetry books. A few have personal photos in the background & few have royalty-free clip-art. The frustration was running high on my end due to finding out that my account was hacked into. My profile picture was removed, then another profile picture was added that wasn't mine, then that one was removed, then they added photos to my poems that were not of my choosing & then changed my password so I couldn't log in to fix it. So I abandoned the account many years ago. That is one of the reasons I honestly can’t stand social media. Trolls & hackers & stalking…

These poems I look back on & realize that they sound rather corny & my thinking at the time was just to express my pain & sadness through a creative outlet in a fun way. They were never meant on my part to make money from because when I submitted my poems to be published I had to sign a waiver saying that I wasn't subject to royalties made from the sale of the books. Which was OK by me.

My thinking was they could be turned into songs. So I naively submitted some of them & then signed a contract with a music record company who composed the actual music & linked it with my lyrics. This turned out to be futile. After many promises & letters telling me that my songs were going to be circulated & I would be receiving royalties from my work, nothing ever came of it.

There was actually a time where I was sitting in my car & was listening to the radio & could have sworn that some lyrics I submitted were being played on the radio. From a super famous country music star!!! They were not the literal lyrics I wrote but were so damn close that I was blown away by the eerie similarity. Did they just use me & steal my words thinking that some unknown nobody of a person in the world would never know while a 20-year established veteran in the business is making millions off my work? The sad part is this country star might never have known that the lyrics he sang were written by someone else & he may have also naively just believed whatever the lyricist put in front of him.

So I did some research & found that this goes on alot with the music business.

I called the producer & told him what I thought was happening. He vehemently denied anything was happening & hung up on me very quickly. The interesting part of this was I never told him what country music star or the name of the song was that I felt had upset me. But I looked up this star’s name & his playlist online & wouldn't you know, the song that was pirated from me was coincidentally taken down. I literally could NOT find it playing anywhere. And I never heard it on the radio again.

So if I never told this person the name of the song or the name of the person singing the song, how come he knew which song to remove from the playlist???


Then I thought since I used to play piano as a child, I could start playing again & actually compose my own songs. But that was just another fleeting thought. Trust issues with the industry on my end were still there, so I lost hope.

So today I woke up & told myself that I would find a way to regain access to the silly poetry I published many years ago. I don't write poems anymore. It was never a passion of mine. It was just another creative way to deal with the circumstances that life had dealt me.

A big shout out to Poetry Nation for letting me publish my poetry on their website & for Eber & Wein publishing my poetry in their books they worked so hard on all these years. That’s a helluva lot of paperwork to go through & submitting my poems was a delightful pleasure for me way back when! Thank you for all the editing, all the reading, all the proofreading & meeting deadlines. Without you, I would not be a published writer. (Just to be clear, you are not the music company who hijacked my words).

THANK YOU!!! ❤😁❤

Anyways, I'm not publishing these screenshots for people to fawn over. I’m doing it just to set the record straight on my end & to give myself some sort of validation that free speech still exists in this country. As a note, I did not display the song that was in question. I hope you can get a glimpse of the vulnerability I’m willing to show about coping in life. Those times are gone, though, & I’ve moved on.

Sometimes just writing down some of our struggles & purging them is good enough to help you move past them. I have no ill will towards anyone about my past. I believe you hold your head up & just try to move on. Forgiving is difficult, though. I need to work on that more. It’s always been a challenge for me.

We all struggle in some way. I didn’t know any better, that’s all. I was trusting, I was gullible, I believed the best in people.

Sometimes I still do. Maybe not as much as I used to, but I still do.

I’m not sure that’s a great quality to have coupled with my cynicism & sarcasm at times, but I'm still a work in progress.

We all are…

BTW, this is a true story. (As always)…