Sorry. Chicken emergency!
It's 6:30am and from the edge of sleep I hear the gentle ding of my phone. I roll over and glance at the message, “sorry, have to cancel today. Chicken emergency!” I sigh, put down the phone and think, no more farmers.
I thought once I had permission finding someone to fuck me would be pretty easy, I had a fair amount of previous offers and didn't think my own rules and preferences would be too difficult... yet it seems none the less, it has proven to be no easy task.
It is on this note I find myself sitting in a classy lounge sharing cocktails and crepes with my former lover D, looking for advice and solace. In my normal classy way.
“WHY IS NO ONE FUCKING ME?”
My words hang in the air like an actual cartoon thought bubble as the other lounge customers shuffle about pretending not to hear me. Unsurprisingly D continues to eat his crepes unfazed though slightly amused. We are reviewing the candidates list. It's getting longer and more complicated. It takes several minutes to explain the problem with each one. We go through it twice.
D: “What's wrong with main guy?” Me: “He is too anxious. He makes me anxious. “ D: “Hmm yes you need calming, and toilet guy?” Me: “Really assertive. Difficult wife. Foot guy?” D: “No. Stop that. Bad one. What's wrong with professor?” Me: “He won't fuck me. Just likes to talk to me.” D: “You talk men out of having sex with you.” Me: “I make bad decisions.” D: “Ya. Which is weird because you have so much insight...” Me: “I guess I can have more than one as most of them want to watch anyway... maybe I would have more luck bundling them?” D: “Yuck. Let's find another woman I can fuck you with!”
And so goes the evening. Later as I lie in bed reviewing my list he texts me various names he would like to fuck me with.
Me: “Why can't you just fuck me? Maybe in front of a mirror so there are two of me?” D: “That would work, two redheads!” Me: “Can you just tell me it's not my fault and I'm highly fuckable “ D: “Its all your fault and you are very fuckable.” Me: “SIGH”. D: “I'm going to fantasize about doing you doggy now and maybe a little anal! Goodnight!
I pick up my phone and look for foot guy. Just once...