The Therapist is Out
Oh god he's crying. Shit. No. How do I make this stop? Normally with this one I use my tongue to stop him from talking. Now I can't use my tongue. Why does this keep happening to me? I immediately feel guilty.
Marketing guy, my main FWB I have been building a satisfying relationship with for several months, is telling me that his wife is sick again. This is why he has been withdrawn, this is why he is racked with guilt. He does not want to loose me. He has become attached. He wants us to keep talking while he works this out.
I am frozen. I stop hearing him as he circles around it several times. My emotions vascilate between pain, empathy, and irritation that I am here again. In this moment I find what's left of my strength, and I say no. I can't be here for you. This is not what this relationship was supposed to be. My dance card is already full of men who are troubled and want me to listen to them and offer them sage advice and consolation, with just a hint of sex to stroke their egos. I need someone who is going to take care of me this time.
This was my chance. This time I was going to find something different. Someone who did not expect or want me to do all the heavy lifting. It started so strong. I know this is not me, this is life. I am lucky that my partner lets me have this, not everyone gets that, he knows he can't be what I need. The irony is that all I have now are different versions of my relationship that will never meet my needs either.
I push away from his embrace. I tell him it's time for me to go. I won't let him see me cry too, what would be the point, it's really not even about him.
I drive a short while and I stop. I see his text. I highlight his contact and press delete. I will get better at this I tell myself.