avery (sw)rites !

it is a strange feeling, to be deeply romantic while cultivating romance with others. going through the motions of romance, or, if the chemistry falters with clients, at least cultivating sweetness and attractiveness. it's been easy for me to fall into a sense of jadedness about romance, after repeating the motions of it dozens of times. it feels like often being a step off from myself.

even if the client i'm seeing is objectively attractive, i am not attracted to him, quite reliably. any sensation of pleasure in work is just my physical response to stimuli. thankfully, that shallowness doesn't get superseded, doesn't drift into something more meaningful.

i have a long-term partner, whom i love and cherish and feel grateful for every single day. i have sweet, romantic friends, whose support is sometimes overwhelming in its care and consideration. if i didn't have them...i would be afraid for myself, in this industry.

afraid for my heart, which hungers for love, as perhaps all (most? given aro/ace peoples) hearts do. mine certainly in hungry to fall in love again. i try to cultivate it, invite some new love in, and all of the leveled-up vulnerabilities and wild rides it might lead me on. of course, i mean that i do this outside of work. i do not want to fall in love with a client, or for him to fall in love with me. i seek love elsewhere.

but i'm not dating. i'm not hooking up with people. that feels like work.

when is a touch just a touch? when is it actually so much more? in contrast to my work, the touch of love feels different. it bears meaning and information, not to mention knowledge of my body and care for the sensations i receive and cultivating pleasure.

i do feel pleasure with clients, as i said, sometimes. but even beyond it just being the response to stimuli, the favor of the pleasure is still stacked towards the client- if they are intent on making me feel good, that is a means of them making themselves feel good, an ego stroke, 'am good at the sex and this person that i hired to have sex with me is having a good time.' proof of their own something. a gesture towards the humane, maybe. the dynamics are tricky to parse, because i do not always feel a disdain towards them, just that, i am providing them a service, even if i'm enjoying such provision.

so, work is not love. love, of course, is its own kind of work. it all gets tangled up, sex with clients, sex with my partner, crushes, attractions, orgasms, sweet nothings, money, advertising. the yearning for love, which i feel and hear from my clients, and i go through the motions of fulfilling. the yearning for new love, that i feel in myself and goes unanswered in all of this paid sex. the reality of long-term love, that i find and foster and make elsewhere. that look similar, almost the same, but the sense of touch distinguishes them, completely.