after several years of careful thought, my partner and i decided earlier this year to shift gears from 'might like to have a kid someday' to 'we are trying to have a kid.' my partner is a transwoman who has been on hormone replacement therapy for years. the research on couples like us trying to conceive is nonexistent- there may be one study on it. that is the topic for another day, but the essence of it here is that trying to conceive a child together has meant them going off of hormones and effectively detransitioning, for them. this is wildly uncomfortable for them, to stop passing, to feel their internal workings all off-kilter, and not to mention dangerous in these transphobic times. so, each cycle of attempts feels precious. we are careful to ease off the pressure we put on ourselves as best we can, but the fact remains that each cycle that doesn't get me pregnant is another month that they stay in this untenable position of detransition.
now, i have sex for a living, with people other than my partner and the occasional hookup. people whose babies i really, really do not want.
i would feel far more comfortable in this profession with an iud. not because i don't use condoms, because i always (ALWAYS (ALWAYS)) use condoms, and not even because i don't necessarily trust my clients to keep their condoms on (clients who remove condoms during sex, 'stealthing' as they call it, are summarily denounced as rapists), but because condoms are fallible objects!
it is a strange feeling, to be deeply romantic while cultivating romance with others. going through the motions of romance, or, if the chemistry falters with clients, at least cultivating sweetness and attractiveness. it's been easy for me to fall into a sense of jadedness about romance, after repeating the motions of it dozens of times. it feels like often being a step off from myself.
even if the client i'm seeing is objectively attractive, i am not attracted to him, quite reliably. any sensation of pleasure in work is just my physical response to stimuli. thankfully, that shallowness doesn't get superseded, doesn't drift into something more meaningful.
i have an upcoming tour to one major and one slightly smaller us city. and i am quite nervous, because it's coming up soon, and i have not a single pre-booking for either, and my prices are relatively high. lots of clients, especially in big cities where options for companions are vast, only book last minute, or day-of, which also makes me nervous, because i have no clients i've seen before in these cities. it feels like a big risk. every day i think about lowering my rates, to feel more accessible.
join sex work twitter. follow all irl sex work friends, porn studios you like, agencies you've worked with or heard of, etc. maybe add in some other recommended follows, maybe some famous sex workery or sex work people, or other providers nearby.
start posting. maybe you've decided on a 'brand' already, or maybe you're free styling. you'll quickly come into questions that seem to have long-term implications. do you post about negative client experiences to vent or provide client education, or do you keep it positive? do you include any discussion of politics, especially politics around sex work? and, very importantly, face out or not?
for the most part, talking about family, especially partners and kids, is off-limits.
right now is one of those times, and i’m finding it hard to critique a particular part of sex work, or have a need to break it down here. maybe sometimes the luxury veneer of the ‘high class escort’ lifestyle perception matches reality. luxury to me, here, is just lots of time to myself, lounging. i read an article about the future. i take selfies and scroll on twitter. i look at my list of projects, things i’m excited to build, a podcast, a collective, a mythology. travel.
one of my favorite questions from non-sex worker friends is, ‘is it mostly men, who are your clients?’ i love it because i love the world that they live in, where that is even a question, where even the use of the term ‘mostly’ implied other, non-men, who want to pay for the pleasure of my company.
view$300 in three days in three acts
#nsfw #cw for attempted #sexualassault
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a father of two pre-teens has me join him at a tacky pizza joint near his house. he is just barely ageing out of being extremely good-looking in a Nordic sort of way, is very tall, short hair thinning. we had met about a year before from a sugar dating site and (i found out later) a follow-up text from him was never delivered and so i figured he wasn’t interested. (i curse the app i use to text my clients that it swallowed this potential business from me). he had invited me to dinner- maybe just dinner?– but i had shaved anyways. he invited me back to his place. that’s good for me because it means more money. he is soft-spoken, software analyst turned race car parts manufacturer.
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