The Black Calypso

Morning lovelies. Hope you’re doing well.

Here I am, yet again with another story for ya. Had a dream about it last night and thought I’d share it. This one was themes such as suicide and depression, so please take caution if you decide to read.

The summer before my third year of college, I met a guy on Tinder. (Tinder isn’t just for hookups guys.) His name was Adam. He was studying political science at a nearby community college and was a big foodie like me.

We clicked instantly: we were on FaceTime everyday, texting constantly, etc. Hell, I even help him with his homework a bit (politics and economics overlap quite a bit.)

He was perfect. We went on fun dates: kayaking, laser tag, zip lining, bowling, etc. He was the adventurous type.

Everything was great. The affection, the sex, the gifts, the attention…

That is until he went to the military.

He had signed up for the army. And was due to leave for basic training in two months after we began our relationship.

Eventually, he left and our relationship shifted to long distance. I’d write him letters almost everyday and would send him down basic personal items through the mail. (I’ll never understand why they aren’t allowed to go buy their own toilet paper and stuff but whatever.)

Every now and then, I’d check my phone to see if he’d text or call me. Over the course of time we were together while he was there, I only got two texts. Sad, right? But I knew they weren’t to be allowed on their phones anyways.

One of the texts said he appreciated my letters. The other was a breakup text sent to me in the middle of the night, while I was in the hospital on suicide watch.

While he was down there training, I had started experiencing depression for the first time ever. Not because of him. It was completely random.

I wasn’t myself. I didn’t have an appetite for days and I remember I dropped 10 pounds in a week because I ate nothing but a bag of chips and drank only water.

I couldn’t talk to people. Someone would say or wave hi to me and I’d run like a startled animal.

Then, maybe a week before he sent the breakup text, I cut my neck with scissors. I was influenced by longtime friend who I got into an argument with, not believing any of my depressive symptoms.

It hurt so much. I’d been to counseling and was diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety disorder. My life was falling apart.

After cutting my neck, I came to my senses and ran to get help. One of my neighbors called the police and I was rushed to the hospital.

I stayed for a week. On the day I was discharged, I finally got a text from my then boyfriend. After a completely shitty month and wanting to give up on life, it really lifted my spirits when I saw the notification.

Then, I opened it.

He had broken up with me. While I was in the hospital.

And if you’re wondering if he knew about my depression, I can’t exactly answer that. I wrote detailed letters constantly of what was happening with me and sent them off, but I never got any letters back. So who knows if he ever bothered to read them. Or maybe he read some but not all.

So yes, I got broken up while on suicide watch at the hospital over text. And I couldn’t even respond back because he blocked me immediately after sending it.

Haven’t seen or heard from him to this day.

If you’re wondering about my health now, I’m fine. I survived. I had a great support system at school, work and at home and I’m so grateful they helped me through this.

It took about 8 months for my symptoms to subsidy and to be able to normally interact with people again.

Depression creeps up on me sometimes and I still have to fight it, but it’s not a daily or monthly fight like it used to be.

But screw that guy, screw the fake ass person I thought was my friend and screw depression and anxiety!

I apologize if this is triggering for anyone, but I needed to speak my truth.

Ciao, lovelies!