So four days ago I opted to have a talk to straighten out our relationship. Basically the idea was to align where I'm lacking and where he is and to discuss where can we improve. I've always believed that was important, especially in a long term relationship where the fire is not naturally raging as it used to on the first months. When things get stable, the fire doesn't burn by itself, it takes the care of teamwork to keep the warmth pulsating and live on.

In two month's we could've been officially three years but it now ends.

I'm not exactly sure how to feel right now. It's like I gave him my heart to carve his castle on and it's now left alone. The halls we danced, the moments we kissed and all the smiles he made, it's fading. The colors aren't right but the feelings are still as strong as ever. I gave him a kingdom, my kingdom only to be left in ruins.

Suddenly, I had to rewrite my future before I break down. I still wanted to sleep over a hotel with him, eat buffet, fly to Australia and get him a watch. I had so many goals I wanted to achieve for him and with him. My future has him integrated strongly, I never considered him an option. He was my choice, the only choice I made and no other man could've taken it away from me other than him. Now, I don't see anything, a huge shade of the darkest black and all those ideas I've been excited about I dread to experience instead.

The idea of sleeping over in a hotel reminds me of him, the desire to swim in a pool is smitten with his wet look. How do you get over someone who you loved the most?

I wasn't happy with him everyday, there are times where he would do something so ignorant it pisses me off. But regardless of the circumstance, I know I loved him very much. I know I would still put his needs above my feelings when push comes to shove.

Dreams, Nightmares and Sleep Stories

I'm not one to remember my dreams, in my 3 years in the relationship there's only a handful which I was able to tell. My mind isn't something that either likes to remember or is that creative to work. Maybe, just maybe, it's because back then I was really looking forward for reality, that in the rarest of occasions, my life has something better than sleep, and it was him.

I got this two days ago, it was a moment I was hoping for, a comeback, a third chance. The world knows, if he said he would, I would drop everything to have him back in my arms:

He was lying down on his back on my bed and I was on him with arms stretched against the cushion at the side of his head, it was a warm moment. The sun was on his face and you can see the moist eyes and the gratitude in his stare. He whispered “I'm sorry” and I replied “It's okay, it's okay now, we're alright.” and I lay a kiss on his forehead. I relaxed my elbows and slowly descended my chest to his for a soft intimacy, and then I woke up.

You can't imagine how much I bawled my eyes in realizing it was just a dream after all. I wanted to live there, I didn't want it to end.

It was a hard hit of reality that it's over.

Last night's dream was in full contrast on the other hand, and he loved saying things about strangers that irked me. “He's cute”, “He almost gave me a free meal”, “He touched my ass” and he was fine and quite proud about it. I wasn't one to admit verbally but I'm pretty sure he had a clue, I hate that he liked sharing his love to strangers he liked and I knew why: because he liked the excitement of the hunt and he already conquered me. So here's the recalling of that nightmare:

He was craving something, and I'm always one to satisfy his wants when I have the luxury of savings. So when he asked for it, I went right away to get it. We were walking on a luxurious Asian street market on the way to where I think the shop was. In the middle of it all, while I was exchanging looking forward to where we were headed and to his face and how happy he was for his surprise. Abruptly, he stopped to look at somewhere very intently. I tried to look for his subject but I couldn't in the crowded scene. When he got back to his senses that he was with me, I asked “What were you staring at?” and he replied “Oh it's just a guy that I had sexual tensions with.” I felt a sharp sting in that dream, but we continued walking, with me much less enthusiasm and energy.

Approval, Self, Environment and Memories

I'm never to shy to say I'm stubborn: When I want something I fight for it till the very end regardless of who's against me, not even my family.

Today after pouring my heart, they revealed a secret that I never really took the time to let it sink in:

They never thought he was for me.

I guess having them meet him for a few times, it's not hard to discern something was amiss. We are a family of high self awareness, looking to improve and see our blind spots as much as possible. My frustration and sadness pointed to that, his lack of it and the necessity of it in the partnership. My siblings knew I needed better, and I'm starting to accept that fact.

He never trusted me to get things right in the moments he needed to trust me the most. I've always expected we'd have conflicts and problems, the greatest one being with ourselves. My commitment was to stay, I assume his was his comfort. He knew his absence devastates me even if it was just for a day, how much more if it was for life? This is the second time he's made this decision without a compelling reason. I'm a little doubting that maybe, just maybe, someone he's flirted on just took his interest above me. He loves the thrill more than stability after all.

I don't understand why he doesn't see, that his potential to change outweighs his current flaws by a huge margin. I was prepared to see him grow with all the hurt and pain he'd be causing to me knowing that in the end he'd be the best man there is, and we made it come true. I think that would be one of the greatest achievement we could've made. The most charming guy with a matching character to his partner's needs, to live with him would've been heaven and to die with him a fantasy.

Remorse, Reminisce and Resolution

I miss the way he'd say “Good morning” before me, “Lunch” on the afternoon and never fail to acknowledge that he's with me in this life with those little messages about his day about work, the things he watched or experienced with family, friends or his dog. I miss his smiles and giggles which I know I'd never get a chance to experience anymore, only to cherish the ones from the past.

His plump dry lips, long soft hands and the most mesmerizing eyes will all be none but a memory demoted to a figment of my imagination at this point forward.

Is his decision to break us up worth it? I don't know. I gave him a month to retract his choice as I still want him regardless. He is still my first love and the someone I will fight the world against as long as he still chooses me but as I live each day, I'm slowly distancing my heart as I know, I should be healing too just as he has left me, I too would need to leave him as well.

We can never control the heart of another, only ourselves.

I have always thought that Breakeven by The Script was a wonderful song but now I understand and can feel it, it's just as concise as it's wonderful.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK I'm falling to pieces