Calvin Diaries

You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger. – Desmond Tutu

It's been a roller coaster ride for months now, for those that are wondering and haven't caught up, I was just going through a break up. Although I wasn't in full agreement to go our separate ways as I am a firm believer of adapting to circumstances and compromising with your partner, the opposite party was adamant it had to be done. So, I complied with some hesitation. It was fine, I really accepted there was a loss of spell in that period, it was dry and surviving. I would've been happy till the clues piled up and data points that spelled a different reason.

But enough about that, all you have to know at this point is it hurts to give everything to someone only to be replaced like trash. I've been betrayed by a friend, disappointed by my family but I've never felt more hurt to be given future to look forward to only for it to disappear not because the spark was gone, but the spark was given to someone else.

These days have been a struggle, I'm seeing that the 3 wonderful years I was given wasn't all confetti, butterflies and rainbows as I have thought it was. It's not how it started that matters, but how it ended.

To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.

However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator.

-Desmond Tutu on Forgiveness

I've been told that signs of being unfaithful are: you should be able to break up without remorse, you should have recovered fast from a breakup without a timespan to mourn, you would be happy immediately. It was straight from the horse' mouth.

I'm still not over it I still have fits for rage, “what ifs” and low moments randomly, but if you look at the other side, it took less than a week to be better than ever. I was bitter that I couldn't be better. It's been months and I would still be mad that of all the things I gave, it wasn't enough. It was ruining me and everyone around me because of my mood swings.

I'd always say that “I forgive him”, but I'd still be furious when triggered about his story. “I forgive him” but I wish he'd be hit by a car and most of all “I forgive him” but the physical marks he had on my life still crushes me to this point.

In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face the pain. You simply have to hurt.

-Joe as Quoted by Brené Brown

Maybe I'm still in denial we're over, that all of the things I gave: time, money and effort have gone to a complete stranger from hereon out. I'm trickling all the pain down, taking each drop of poison as a bitter sting to my soul and senses. I wanted the past to live, the good version of our story but I guess not anymore, I'm facing the fire, I'm letting it die today. I'm choosing to be hurt that it did happen and I accept that not all people who seem good are good.

The first step in solving a problem is to recognize that it does exist.

-Zig Ziglar

Breakups will heighten your emotions. And emotions is going to turn your world upside down, you will always seem to be moving but most of the time not in the direction you desire, not in the direction of healing most of all. Being emotional takes more effort to move in the right direction, it always takes active participation to get into a destination you desire.

I've never promised an answer on how to forgive, but I hope by staying with me you learned how. Although, from how understood it's never instant, it's a process but going through it makes you better. What hurts most is the denial of reality, that maybe the bad didn't happen, it was a mistake and everything was supposed to be good.

Shit was intended to happen, let's get over it.

Forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act, its a process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live.

-Brené Brown

If you're hurting or betrayed, it's not easy to let go but do let go. It's gripping on a mirror of truth and hoping that they'd see reality with their backs turned against us. They won't, not at this time and not while we're shoving it to them. Their truth is how they perceive it and when it benefits them. On the other hand, there's not better time to work on what we can control, it's time to let go, let the mirror turn and face us: remind us of what we have, what we are and what is because not all is lost. Forgiveness after all, does not avoid pain but acknowledges hurt and choosing to move on with the experience.