chaosorc

Feet squeaked on the gymnasium floor. White lines breaking up the wooden pattern. He wondered if it was real wood or a laminate.

The new guy wearing the red flannel shirt and sweatpants, orange socks with the tread painted on, blue wrapped around his hand and wrist up to his elbow. Blond hair almost a bowl cut, shaved up in the back, fresh haircut.

He looked up when Andy said, incarcerated

Fielding replied, you're not incarcerated

So says you

Fielding laughed, Dr Spokelse scribbled a note.

Great, here we go

What's on your mind, Andy

I'm thinking about going back to being an alcoholic

Why

It was easier, I could just go to work and come home and drink, didn't have to pay attention to anyone else

It is a lot to keep up with

The simple life

A lonely alcoholic

Right, and just die like Jim Morrison

On your back in a bathtub in Paris

Is that how it happened

I thought that was the end of the movie

That could be the end of my movie

The doctor jotting down another note, scribbles in the silence.

Are you hearing yourself

Yeah

They looked at him

Maybe

Gabe leaning over to look him in the eye from the folding chair next to him.

What?

What do you think Hannah in Colorado is doing right now

Probably burping an infant, maybe another is dangling from her nipple, jaws clamped tight

No one laughed.

Why does that bother you, the doctor asked.

Fielding leaned back and waited for the answer, crossed his arms and pulled his feet in, knees pointing at Gabe and Davis.

Sex, Davis chimed in

Everyone turned to look except the new gal. She was off somewhere else, staring at the window, wondering how to get up there and get away, stroking her chin like she was thinking about the conversation.

What's on your mind, Rendell?

The woman replied, Holland. Everyone looked at her, she wore white socks, black leggings, a long black sweater buttoned up to her neck, hair hanging long and brown.

Randy pulled his lower lip into his mouth to keep from licking it, glanced at Davis who was openly leering. His hands cupped together, blue flannel rolled up, faded blue jeans tapered leg, bare feet in white paper sandals.

You think you're gonna climb that wall and go to Holland?

Yeah, do you even know where it is

Fielding let out a sigh, anyway, Andy

Fielding

They locked eyes.

We're waiting, the doctor looked serious, still staring at him.

I wanted to be a father.

You still can.

No.

Everyone waited. He was cracking.

Gabe inhaled sharply, looked at the doctor.

Andy sat there with tears welling in his eyes.

Is that important?

Davis chewed his fingers, leg bouncing nervously.

I guess we'll never know

Fielding put his hands on his knees and stared straight at him.

Yet it bothers you, the doctor's words were a statement or a question.

It bothers me, Andy crying and getting ugly.

So instead, Fielding prompted

Instead I will come home from a long day and face the empty promises and fill them with whiskey and cinnamon liquor.

She added, gas station ice and tumblers, a tall black thermos

Exactly

And the pressure will just melt away

And everything will be okay again

At least until you wake up the next morning

Right, the hangover and body aches and wondering what I said to her

But she's gone

And she's gone so that part won't even matter

Just make sure you hide your phone

Yeah, can't reach out

Don't want to scare anyone

No one cares about me anyway

The group was riffing, Fielding looked impressed, the doctor tried to hide his concern, put his pen down and adjusted his glasses, rubbed his nose, his left hand holding the notepad and pen.

Drink and forget all the reminders of people who loved you

Anyone the virus didn't take

The new people coming into your life

The new people leaving your life, becoming old people

Shadows of themselves

The echoes you see in other people

Why fall in love

Why care

Why not ghost them

Why not use them

This is getting out of had, the doctor had to interject, he showed some emotion, it was concern or worry and it was directed at Fielding to silently ask, why didn't you stop this?

We could just go to Holland

What's in Holland

Not this

They laughed, slapping knees, clapping, they had taken over for once.

Fielding looked disappointed.