Ah... the blank page stares once again. Um, hello I guess. I've been thinking about doing this for awhile. The people surrounding me have indicated that I have quite a way with prose and that I should publish books, give Ted Talks and lectures, do psychic readings, you name it. I have yet to land on one goal of mine, but I do know I want to share. But I don't want to share who I am. I don't want to make this about me as a person, with a particular identity. That's not what this is about. In fact, I want everyone reading to feel apart of them in every word. What resonates with you? What makes you angry? What do you strongly disagree with? What would you have done differently? The truth is in our feelings. Our feelings guide our way. My feelings led me here.
Before I sat down to write this, I went and put a load of towels in the laundry, as one does. It's about 8pm and my somewhat mother is upstairs scowled over her laptop anxiously flipping through pages of academic journals to find the one paper she wants to read. Because that will scratch that itch! So, I'm downstairs and can't find the OxiClean. You know – the one with the stain fighting power! Oh, the horror. Now, it's usually right by the washer with the other detergents and I planned on using it to freshen up towels (because ya know, they get build up I feel like, I don't know that's just in my mind). I can't find it, right? So, even though I know she's stressed, I politely yell upstairs to her, “Do you know where the OxiClean is?” ... pause ... “Yeah I do, you don't need it. You use WAY too much, I spent so much time cleaning it out of there.” Hmm. How patronized do I feel, you ask? Very. I am an adult, and my parent literally HID an item from me that she did not feel I could properly use rather than verbalizing to me that I was using it incorrectly and perhaps giving me a heads up on how much is the “correct” amount. Should I have been privy to the exact beneficial portion of OxiClean? Maybe. Am I embarrassed? For sure. But it's the way she communicates. She said “she doesn't see me everyday” when I expressed to her she could have just told me that instead of hid the thing. I don't know. It frustrated me. I am now expressing my frustration calmly here because I recognize that writing papers and being in graduate school and cleaning the barrel of the washer multiple times probably does a number on people. I have grace for that. I am thankful for her presence in my life to allow me to feel resistance and frustration that I wouldn't otherwise know. Amen, am I right?
Okay so, now that that (repeated word... always feels wrong when I type it but never when I say it) little anecdote is out of the way. The way I roll is I do not have a plan. I do not have an agenda. I am a free writer. I often found myself struggling to write scientifically in school because my thoughts would be all over the place. ADHD some might say, but I like to think it's my expansive self-aware conscious mind that likes to do gymnastics. My mind likes sports but my body, historically, has not.
I'm not entirely sure what this blog will become. Quite frankly, I don't really enjoy the word “blog.” Honestly, I don't think most words capture the depth of meaning they are meant to. Communication can be so difficult when people are not on the same page. The meaning in my mind of the word “crazy” is different from every other human being's associated meaning of the word “crazy” because no experience is the same. Kinda cool, kinda frustrating. To master communication we must always be asking questions, we must always be curious. We must always learn the meaning behind people's words – learn their language. And translate from your's, to their's.
I like to think I'm a translator of people. I quite enjoy understanding others through their gaping open windows while they keep their doors shut. They protect themselves behind locks and keys but little do they know there is a beautiful breeze coming in the upstairs window of their humble abode. We are always receiving energy, it's a matter of how we want to feel it – how we want to experience it. I try to let my energy slip through the window, lovingly. Maybe sit on their sofa with them and have some tea and cookies. Get to know their passions and desires and allow them a space to be authentic and safe. We all need that. Now more than ever.
I suppose this is my space to do that. Share things with the world anonymously. I don't know if a single soul will ever see this but that is the beautiful silly fun of it all. I am deeply expansive. I always have something to share. I always have a perspective on everything – the good, the bad, and the beautiful. As I enter this next chapter of my life I hope to cultivate more authenticity, love, and soul that can emanate amongst those closest to me, and hopefully, to you.
My first love has always been the universe. I used to look up at the sky when I was very young and reflect on how beautiful it is. It scared me, deeply. But it made me infinitely curious – both a blessing and a curse in this culture. I know now for certain that not only am I apart of something infinitely greater, but that I am infinitely great. And so are you. How amazing is it that my first love was actually me all along? How silly is it that it took me so long to find out?
I hope you'll join me on this journey. I hope you find the most beautiful, loving, safe, vast depth within yourself and the world. It can be challenging. It can be wild. But it is always worth it. The physical world can sometimes feel like we are walking through molasses. The drudgery and self-hatred. The “I'll never be good enough” or the “Why even try”. We are programmed this way. We are meant to be kept small. We are a people born into oppression. Every one of us. I hope we soon can connect and find a loving way forward. For everyone. For love. I will join you there, my friends.
Until then, Delaney Collins