Me again.
Quote from my girlfriend just now: “Everything is context dependent. If you aren't experiencing it, it doesn't even matter.”
So... true?
It was 90 degrees today. I am waiting for my somewhat mother to come home from getting her nails done because they were “too long to type” which, I understand. My dad made a salad for us, and for that I am grateful.
I will miss these moments. Although I do live in my parent's basement and I am being booted out soon for renovation and reselling purposes, I am very grateful that I currently have a place to call home and where I have been able to do so for my whole life. Once my parents leave here, my home base will be obliterated and I will no longer have a place to return to in times of crisis, danger, or angst. Of course, I will always be able to visit, but will I be able to stay?
I've been writing a lot of deeper poetry lately. I sometimes get scared to share it because I don't want the people around me to think I'm delusional and send me away to the mental hospital. I was quite emotional last night thinking about the way I've had to carefully curate my emotional expression to feel safe in the environments I find myself in. I know it seems dramatic, but I very much resonate with the idea of a modern-day witch hunt. The people around us always seem to be looking for things that are wrong with us, rather than things that are right. What does it even mean to be right? It's all relative anyways.
I recorded some complex ideas today that I hope to share with others soon. I struggle to find a path forward in starting my own self-healing practice. I don't want to succumb to capitalism and since I've deactivated all of my social media accounts, the only way to get the word out will be through word of mouth and authentic connections. I suppose maybe that's best?
Maybe I should manifest that shit, ya know? When people ask me what I've been up to I can just tell them I am starting my own self-healing practice where I will be working with individuals to help them cultivate a new level of awareness with themselves and truly feel their way through life. However, I do find hesitation in that form of phrasing because is feeling your way through life reallllllly better for you? Quite frankly, it seems a bit unsafe. When I was feeling my way through the world I was led to such beautiful abundance and alignment and self-love to be spread throughout the world, but it also landed me in the mental hospital.
I like to believe that the lessons I have learned from that experience were necessary to understand the precautions of seeking the heights. More importantly, I don't believe we are supposed to seek the heights alone. I tried to, and I rolled back down the hill. Even if I ended up not entirely back at the bottom, it certainly is still a long way up. I question sometimes whether I will ever get there again in a sustainable, healthy way. I also question whether there is such a thing. Are we meant to experience genuine ecstasy in this life on a consistent basis? I assume then it wouldn't feel very much like ecstasy at all.
The biggest awareness is that of contrast. To have experienced one of the highest of the highs and be brought down to the lowest of the lows is quite the trip, literally and figuratively. I've been through that cycle a few times. We all go through this journey on a smaller time scale everyday. When we get “triggered” for example, we go from a higher frequency to a lower frequency and the world around us will feel negative and scary. However, if we pull ourselves from those feelings with support and love, we are able to cycle back to a higher frequency. This isn't always easy nor is it always possible, and it's sometimes how we get to feel “stuck.”
My brain moves very quickly. Ideas move ceaselessly through me in a way that I believe can be dangerous if I don't reign my creativity in with a lasso. We are here on this Earth to create. Not necessarily tangible things, but beautiful energy as well. The world of form has it's limitations, we all know that. My vehicle that is my body can only take me so far, but my feelings and my mind can take me to more dimensions than anyone can count. Infinitely many. How fun is that? How cool is it that we take countless trips every day? We time travel to places in our past and feelings in our future. But often, it's painted as scary. We experience the other dimensions with anxiety. I know I do.
Because of my past experience, when I find my mind moving fast in an increasingly complex direction, I get scared. What if I can't stop? What if I am moving on an infinite treadmill and I energetically explode again and nobody can understand me and I sit in a psychiatric facility given countless drugs to “stabilize my mood” when having emotions is the only compass I have? How would I be able to navigate my life in a way that is truly fulfilling and take the path of least resistance if there is no resistance to feel? That is my nightmare. So I hide. I hide within these words. I hide within my journal. I hide within my video diaries, my audio diaries, my notes. I feel safe with myself, most of the time.
But paradoxically, I also believe it is important for my ideas to be shared. They are good ideas. They are complex ideas. They draw from areas of my own lived experience with psychiatric diagnoses and medications, psychedelic therapies, mental health facilities, all kinds of therapy, spiritual teachers, and moving through and transcending above anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, and now, “Bipolar disorder”. My intellectual and academic background encompasses vast information on anthropology, linguistics, cognition, physiology, physics, philosophy, psychology, nonlinear dynamics, consciousness, hypnosis, and evidence-based research. My employment history has allowed me to be a teacher, a tutor, a peer mentor, an administrator, a liaison, an advocate, a salesperson, a podcaster, a photographer, and a researcher. I am only 25 but I have touched many areas of life.
When I was 24, I had the opportunity to connect all of the things I've ever learned. It taught me that I have infinite wisdom and I am deeply in touch with all that is. Now, everything I see and feel is a relation and connection to something else. There is no day that goes by where I don't reflect on my state of being, the state of the world around me, and the state of others. It is important for me to do this. I don't know why. I wouldn't be me without it. I wouldn't have purpose without it. But, it can be isolating. I often feel alone. Not because I am “smarter” or “better” or “wiser” than anyone else, but because everyone is unique and I have yet to find a community that truly hears me in a way that I can connect through this complex dimensionality.
Through this writing I seek beings like me. To coalesce. To connect. To share. To love. I believe that is needed right now.
Til' next time, Delaney Collins