Fear
I am afraid. Most of the time I probably supress my fears, because most of the time, I don't feel them. I have no idea what the future will look like and it's because I don't think about it very much.
But in some way I have a strong confidence in the immutable laws of the universe and our existence as well as in myself, that everything will go its way and in that strange open world that is somehow randomly created by consciousness, where some things are up to chance and some things seem to be determined by destiny – by unchangeable facts, unchangeable decisions and attitudes, by people and by our character – I will find my way that is and somehow is not set up for me.
The more often I think about it the more true to me becomes what you wrote in your first letter: that you believe the universe has different paths set up for us and that it's up to us to choose which path to take.
The more I believe that truth and the more I believe that I am on the path I want to be, the easier it becomes to let out what I want to let out. My thoughts, previously suppressed inside my mind, unable to be spoken or written out, become a stream of talking or writing or even drawing. Concerning the paths though I don't see discrete separate paths of anything like it. I see a broad spectrum of where I could be right now and where I could end up in the future. The difficult thing to me is to balance what we think of delayed gratification and enjoying the moment. We tend to think that the work we have to in order to secure our future happiness must be straining and uncomfortable. And sometimes that's true. But how much can I actually enjoy the moment but still do the right thing concerning the future? My current best shot is to say: all the time. Why not enjoy every single moment when the outcome of what you do right now is insecure anyway?