Elias

some of my thoughts and notes

I just discovered an interesting type of limitation in my mind. Basically, whenever I am “not fully decided”, or something “isn't permanent”, I limit my perception of this. I don't fully enjoy it.

For example, we are “not fully decided” on how long we are going to continue living in this house, but definitely this “isn't permanent”.

In order to reflect this truth, I never feel “fully” at home, which involves a certain sense of permanence. But it is totally possible.

I had a somewhat special experience today. The bus was crowded and people kept pushing into us when I noticed that you were crying because you were feeling unsafe and overwhelmed.

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There is an interesting flavor to being alone again. My attention is completely free and I notice more things, I also don't have to worry about more than my own safety. If I need to cross a busy road on my route that's fine as long as I'm safe.

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Last year, the woman I love most decided to join me traveling. I don't know how that happened, but it feels like an achievement just to have held up the possibility of this happening.

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For pretty much the first quarter century of my life I've been focused more or less on (the joy of) understanding things and how they work.

Where exactly this direction of my curiosity resulted from isn't very clear to me.

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Last night I had some pretty bad nightmares. I remember visiting Gaza and being surrounded by suffering people and immediate danger. I went onto a traditional muscle-powered boat, one of the last ones that survived, but eventually it sank and all of us were swimming in the water.

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In the depth of the winter darkness, just a few days after the winter Solstice in the northern hemisphere, we have a sweet Full Moon in the sign of Cancer.

This Full Moon is also referred to as the “Cold Moon” as it takes place at the depths of darkness, our shortest days and coldest days of the year. This is a time of deep reflection, no matter where on earth we live. It’s an opportune time to [take stock of the previous 12 months] and look forward to what we want to create next year.

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Exactly six months ago, on the 21.06.23, I was starting to prepare the things I would pack on my journey to Bratislava.

Packing I was also browsing through my box with little cards with quotes on them:

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Spiel' mehr. Hab' Spaß. Genieß' Dein Leben. Du lebst es nur einmal. Du allein entscheidest, was in Deinem Leben wichtig ist.

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Again and again I have this feeling on Mondays...

That I'm not good enough for this work that I'm trying to do, that I don't enjoy this work enough to be good enough at it. And after some hours, listening to some music in order to tune out the voices of my colleagues, I eventually get into the flow of doing things, of writing something, of measuring something, coming up with new ideas, analyzing things... After all the day passes quickly and it's getting dark again and I can see the point in time approach when it's time to get home.