Life Review
For pretty much the first quarter century of my life I've been focused more or less on (the joy of) understanding things and how they work.
Where exactly this direction of my curiosity resulted from isn't very clear to me.
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Nightmares
Last night I had some pretty bad nightmares. I remember visiting Gaza and being surrounded by suffering people and immediate danger. I went onto a traditional muscle-powered boat, one of the last ones that survived, but eventually it sank and all of us were swimming in the water.
Cold Moon
In the depth of the winter darkness, just a few days after the winter Solstice in the northern hemisphere, we have a sweet Full Moon in the sign of Cancer.
This Full Moon is also referred to as the “Cold Moon” as it takes place at the depths of darkness, our shortest days and coldest days of the year. This is a time of deep reflection, no matter where on earth we live. It’s an opportune time to [take stock of the previous 12 months] and look forward to what we want to create next year.
Winter Solstice
Exactly six months ago, on the 21.06.23, I was starting to prepare the things I would pack on my journey to Bratislava.
I was also browsing through my box with little cards with quotes on them:
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Spiel' mehr. Hab' Spaß. Genieß' Dein Leben. Du lebst es nur einmal. Du allein entscheidest, was in Deinem Leben wichtig ist. Und Du kannst Dich immer wieder neu entscheiden. Du kannst die Zukunft nicht ändern. Du kannst nur Deine Vorstellung ändern. Und deine Erinnerung. Du kannst Alles so interpretieren, dass es für Dich oder gegen Dich passiert. Oder es einfach wahrnehmen. Du kannst entscheiden, wie Du dich fühlst. Oder zumindest, wie Du interpretierst wie Du dich fühlst. Vielleicht haben alle Gefühle einen Sinn, vielleicht auch nicht. Vielleicht ist es schöner, mehr zu fühlen als weniger. Und wahrscheinlich lassen Gefühle sich in ihrer Intensität nicht trennen. Vielleicht kannst Du die Intensität unangenehmer Gefühle nicht nur akzeptieren, sondern sogar positiv interpretieren. Und wenn Du etwas vermisst, vielleicht kannst Du es “einfach” erschaffen, anstatt einfach nur zu warten oder Dich über dessen Abwesenheit zu ärgern oder zu trauern. Vielleicht ist jede Sehnsucht eigentlich “nur” eine Sehnsucht nach dem “Licht”. Erinnere Dich an die Bedeutung des Kreis, die Du immer noch nicht “verstanden” hast.
Mondays
Again and again I have this feeling on Mondays...
That I'm not good enough for this work that I'm trying to do, that I don't enjoy this work enough to be good enough at it. And after some hours, listening to some music in order to tune out the voices of my colleagues, I eventually get into the flow of doing things, of writing something, of measuring something, coming up with new ideas, analyzing things... After all the day passes quickly and it's getting dark again and I can see the point in time approach when it's time to get home.
Joy
We have to put our joy on self-start rather than push-start. If we need other people to push us to feel joy, we're doomed. We need to be able to self-start our joy, regardless of external circumstances.
These days
These days are truly crazy.
Just two weeks ago we were visiting Verdens Ende with Ryder. Two days later I started the new job and he went back home.
Need
I need you in my life and I don't need you in my life. I want you in my life.
Love – Attraction – Containment
Maybe for most people this is obvious stuff, but for me this was a lot to take in at once. What is love? What is a relationship? Dr. Orion Taraban explains that Love has nothing to do with Relationships and what both of them mean.