That I'm not good enough for this work that I'm trying to do,
that I don't enjoy this work enough to be good enough at it.
And after some hours, listening to some music in order to tune out the voices of my colleagues, I eventually get into the flow of doing things, of writing something, of measuring something, coming up with new ideas, analyzing things...
After all the day passes quickly and it's getting dark again and I can see the point in time approach when it's time to get home.
We have to put our joy on self-start rather than push-start.
If we need other people to push us to feel joy, we're doomed. We need to be able to self-start our joy, regardless of external circumstances.
Maybe for most people this is obvious stuff, but for me this was a lot to take in at once. What is love? What is a relationship? Dr. Orion Taraban explains that Love has nothing to do with Relationships and what both of them mean.
There is a frame of thinking that I encountered in the last days that doesn't get out of my head. It's the frame that views dating and relationships as an extension of our free market economy. It feels insane but I can't ignore it. So I want to share my thoughts on it.
Yesterday I listened to Eugen Drewermann talking about Dostoyevsky's perspective on money and power. I really enjoyed it and was surprised to learn that Dostoyevsky wrote Crime and Punishment in exile in Wiesbaden while I was on a train to Wiesbaden listening to a talk given in Wiesbaden, but most importantly I was reminded on how futile many of our ideas around money really are.
Last night I had some genuinely weird dreams.
One was that I closed the door of my car, but it sounded weird and I looked at it and suddenly it was further in than usual, and additionally there was a second open door. I was confused, took a photo of it, so I could later double-check whether I was hallucinating, and wondered how I would close the second door when I'm inside the car.