Elias

Yesterday I realized how amazing it is that I found this work that I'm doing right now. Sometimes it seems to me like others are making it more complicated than necessary, but then I also realize that they're also taking care of these seemingly unnecessary complications and allow me to simply do my work. And that I find quite amazing.

I just realized how much people love it when you remove your ego from your work. During the 90 minute debrief meeting we just had, the most positive comment on anything that I said was this:

Yesterday evening, when I was lying in bed, I could suddenly remember my new self. It had lost all its presence while my old self had grown back almost to its old strength. I wasn't feeling all that good.

I don't like when people are involved in their work with their ego. Probably I am as well, but it's easier to see in other people.

Last night I had a super intense headache. I don't know exactly what the reason was but essentially I felt like I ended up in a dead end, both physically and mentally. I realized that I can't go further in this direction, that I had forgotten the direction I wanted to go.

It's fascinating how the mind seeks to balance everything. Over the past four months my income has consistently been a good bit higher than my expenses – taking into account that over the next four months it will be a good bit lower than my expenses this was very reasonable.

I feel like yesterday my old self was trying get back to control. More realistically I had just forgotten that when I'm not feeling well I can just meditate and find peace within instead of allowing old narratives to wind up on my feelings.

Getting back to work after a solid two week break is interesting. The feeling of frustration (because a software doesn't work as it's supposed to) seems to come up a lot earlier than it did only two weeks ago.