Chronicles of Ellery Ivan MD

Around this time, four years ago, I recall being very stressed by my thoughts. So many what ifs and even detractors. I had just applied to a residency program. This was a new program and is most cases a tabula rasa. There was not even an actual date of the exact day to start. There was just a call for residents. There was much hope for it and much energy surrounding it. Certainly, we had birth pains. But I was confident with the people around me.

Right now, I’m probably just as stressed. Except this time with a different perspective to things. And nothing renews hope more than a fresh perspective.

During my residency, I've come to realize that the caliber of my medical dilemmas serves as a good gauge of the quality of my training as a resident. Because of this, whenever I encounter issues that are specifically mind boggling, I try to remember that this is a baptism, and I should call myself lucky to experience such matters. If they did not admit in Ciudad Medical Zamboanga I may not have the chance to learn and interact with them.

I've also learned how to apply this in my private life after learning that, in some ways, my difficulties led to my development. It gives me new inspiration to stick with things and persevere through both good and bad days. Looking back, it was indeed challenging phase during the first few months of the 2nd year. The overwhelming surges of covid-19, the uniquely challenging assimilation with the junior’s obnoxious expectations, the juggling of responsibilities both in work and real life, and the death of my mother. The last event made me really contemplate if there was really a point to all the hassles and struggles.

I am grateful for the leadership roles that fell on my lap, I hope it made me a better person in the process. It was indeed a great effort to balance every other person’s egos, wishes, requests, and personalities.

I now have more faith in the process and am more tolerant of my constructive criticism if there are any. I try to keep in mind that I'm not just going through this period. Each choice I've made has brought me closer to my goals. I believe that God's plan, whatever it may be, operates on a scale that is too great for human sight to fully comprehend. As such, the best we can expect and pray is some measure of grace that will allow us to play each moment and make sense of the cards that are dealt to us. And sometimes have the courage to mulligan.

I have become more trusting of the process, more accepting of my good problems. Reminding myself that my going through this phase is no accident. Every decision has led me to a good place. I suspect that God’s plan, whatever it is. works on a scale too large to fit our mortal eyes and the best we can do is to try to align ourselves with what we feel is right and construct some meaning out of our confusion, and hopefully we earn some grace to play at each moment and to make sense of the hand that we're dealt.

It feels just like yesterday when I first started my training. Today it is finished though unceremoniously. And so, like the other days, I have no reason to doubt that the dots in the bigger picture will align and coalesce.

So, I walk with the fervent hope that Providence will provide the direction that needs to be treaded upon. Walking in faith, sometimes with clarity, other times blindly, but every time with the assurance that there is guidance from above.

Day 32 of #100DaysToOffload. Find out more about it here.