The Pressure of Things

There is always this underlying pressure to perform. There is a good kind of pressure though.

I can write articles from the comfort of my room and never post them online. There is a pressure or fear of posting that sets in. Even before that, there is the pressure of the blank page. Starting clean with just the page staring back at you, you feel this sort of pressure. How are you going to fill the space? What if you can't do it? What if you procrastinate and take the easy way out? That's not the road I'd like to take anymore. More often times than I'd like to admit, I tend to underperform. I may write something, or not fully do it. I also think I spend way too much time alone in my room on the computer, but that's a different story.

I would like to play with this idea or notion of pressure. There is something special about this kind of pressure to perform. If you can let the anxieties go, and see which direction things want to go, then you're golden. I would like to play in the space of openness. There is something very special about the state of flow that I'd love to explore more, and in various ways. It's about putting in the work. It's about writing, editing, and posting. And to just repeat the process. It's about exploring different mediums as well. It's about seeing what else shows up with possibilities. It's about having fun.

Fun

What is fun? What would be fun? Where is the edginess? How can I step up to the plate? I don't have to go all out all at once. Or if I decide to, I can. Writing on a computer isn't necessarily “fun”. I mean, it can be, but it can be difficult. Sometimes it feels like I can't think clearly. Coming up with ideas of how to create fun shouldn't be difficult.

What is Fun?

What is scary can also be fun. I need to lean into things that scare me. I don't have to go all at once, but I can build up to things. For example, writing and posting this online is at least a little bit scary and fun. But I know I can do more and tend to hold myself back a bit due to fear. There are somethings I feel like I need to start doing though, but I don't want to go too fast really. I can take the simple approach too. All I'm saying is that I'd like to step it up a notch somehow. I really don't want to overwhelm myself though. I think a good first step would be to get into the swing of writing these articles again more consistently. And to keep at it.

I am not working right now so I need to put in the work somehow. I would like to have some money coming in through gig work and then focus on my creative endeavors. I also think I don't need to go overboard if I don't want to. For example, if I wanted to make a video, I could record myself and keep it simple. Apart of me (in my head), doesn't want to do this though, because it doesn't really light me up inside. That's what I'm saying, I need to do something that truly makes me happy and to be in that space of happiness. Off the top of my head, that would be audio interviews. I could work up to video interviews, but I am more of a behind the scenes guy, and that is a good middle ground I think. I don't want to settle though. And even me talking about this aloud to the computer feels a bit lame, but I think it helps on some level.

I know there is a lot more I can be doing for myself out there. Back to what I was saying before, about writing. I love writing. And I love typing on the keyboard. I just meant that sometimes it can be difficult because you are all alone with your thoughts and while it is very enjoyable to be in the flow state, I would like to make it more fun. And it's sort of weird that it is difficult for me to come up with a list of fun things to do. That's how I know I ought to be having more fun with things. How can I make things more exciting or edgey? I think by continually taking a stab at things and working on writing, the more flow I will experience.

Involving other people can lead to some fun. Forgive me if I am sounding too negative, I am just trying to work things out in my head. Honestly this is fun for me. Being productive and disciplined is fun for me. I feel better about myself and my days. One way I could make things more fun for me indefinitely is by adding humor to things. I love comedy and I love to laugh. So combining creativity with comedy is definitely a recipe I favor.

I also know I need to get out my head. By that I mean, not listening to the fear so much and to just try things. I want to really open up my creativity. I want to work on interesting projects (either solely or with friends). On that note, being around people definitely can get the creative juices flowing. Talking to people that inspire you definitely works too. Just seeing how other people work and create really open ups the possibilities. I could think of things on my own, but having others to bounce ideas off of and work with really opens up the flow of energy.

I am slowly realizing (a common theme in my life), how much energy likes to flow. It doesn't matter what kind either, it just wants to move. There is a bit of a dance at play. Because nothing happens if you just sit and think and don't act. The key thing to remember is to put things into action. I want to write an article about how thinking is sort of pointless sometimes because it's not playing with life. The fun for me is to not think so much and just act. The act of typing, or the act of recording, etc. Whatever it is, getting out of your head is so important.