gringo

The Rape Spectrum Survey results – wow. https://aella.substack.com/p/the-rape-spectrum-survey-results?s=r

Not so happy with this.

How can having sex with an unenthusiastic sex worker be more consensual than having sex to make your partner happy in a relationship?

A sex worker is likely a stranger. You really don't know if they want to have sex with you or not. And – they would almost certainly not be having sex with you without the money involved.

Yet a partner, unless you're in some traditional culture where abuse is accepted, has likely had plenty of sex with the person before and should know when to say yes or no. And most importantly it's fucking free and consensual.

How can so few people see sex workers as living, breathing human being? With feelings? I feel like society is split on seeing them as holes to fuck (sexists) or service providers (new “feminists”). It's neither, ya dumb shits.

Multiple months without porn. In fact, not since October I think.

Yet... it is creeping back in thanks to me starting to use 4chan again and inadvertently seeing their porn ads.

I guess I have to stop. Nip it in the bud. Too much risk of me getting a buzz from it and starting up the big monster again.

Just like with gambling. No more bet ever. Alcohol. No more alcohol ever.

It has to be no more porn ever.

Like sure I'll encounter it. And that's ok. But I can't repeatedly go into a place where I know it's slippery.

I am also not happy about my sugar consumption. High sugar is creeping back in. “Natural” or low-sugar cookies. Honey with nuts. Lots of bread. Too much fruit. It's a bad thing and I need to nip it in the bud. Get rid of the honey, hide the cookies, and start eating boiled eggs and other fatty things when I crave sugar.

The only times I'll ever consider something sweet will be as an isolated small snack (e.g. one banana) or before CrossFit.

Some thoughts on sex work.

The most common reactions I see to sex work are:

  1. It's bad because [religious reasons / women should be virgins]
  2. It's bad because it objectifies women / is not feminist
  3. It's good because it empowers women / is feminist
  4. It's good because it reduces rape / assault
  5. It's good because disabled or ugly people struggle to have sex and they deserve to have sex
  6. It's good because there's no strings attached
  7. It's okay to sell sex, but not to buy it (supporters of the Nordic Model)
  8. It's okay to buy sex, but whores are disgusting (many people in Brazil see it this way)

I rarely see:

(9) It's bad because it encourages cheating (10) It can be bad or good depending on the guy you are

And my personal view is:

Buying sex is fraught with problems because a lot of the girls who do it do it out of a history of sexual abuse and later regret it e.g. Lana. Selling sex shouldn't be looked down upon, but also shouldn't be glorified. “Sex work is work” isn't entirely true, it's very different to a lot of jobs and requires a lot of psychological self-manipulation to succeed. The only way I would ever buy sex is with someone who would have sex with me for free – and that is a very hard thing to judge. I could easily convince myself a girl really would have sex with me for free in another situation, when in reality she wouldn't.

Here are my answers to these different views, real quick:

(1) It's bad because [religious reasons / women should be virgins]

Nah. Women can have sex, they can like sex just the same as men. God designed us to all want sex and have sex. Next.

(2) It's bad because it objectifies women / is not feminist

True most of the time when it comes to porn but true in all cases. Also, from what my SWer friends say most clients are respectful. Surely there are some SWers out there who don't feel objectified nor discriminated against ever.

(3) It's good because it empowers women / is feminist

I lean towards a hard disagree. Most sex workers are hardly empowered. And selling sex does not seem to do anything to equalise the sexes.

(4) It's good because it reduces rape / assault

And what about the prostitutes who get raped? Jesus. Economists probably just see consent as this black and white thing. Oh she accepted payment? Then full consent, of course. No moral issue.

(5) It's good because disabled or ugly people struggle to have sex and they deserve to have sex

I kind of get this argument and I think there are probably hookers out there who actually can get past any lack of attraction and enjoy giving a sexual experience to someone who otherwise doesn't get the chance.

(6) It's good because there's no strings attached

I can relate to guys who see it this way. But I think there is very little consideration of the girl in this case. Whether she wants to have sex with you or not.

(7) It's okay to sell sex, but not to buy it (supporters of the Nordic Model)

This usually comes from a feminist position but most SWers agree that it does them more harm than good.

(8) It's okay to buy sex, but whores are disgusting / I would never marry one (many people in Brazil see it this way)

I get where the desire to avoid someone who's been dicked down comes from and I imagine it's extra strong if your culture punishes sluttiness and being cucked heavily. But I don't think you should pay for sex unless you're willing to respect the person you fuck.

(9) It's bad because it encourages cheating

I kind of agree, but also think that the responsibility lays more with the cheater than the person who helps the cheater cheat. But definitely a responsibility and blame can be laid at the person who facilitates cheating. It's like... working at a store that sells single use plastics, or marketing single use plastics. You are indirectly making the world a worse place, but maybe this is your only option to make a living.

(10) It can be bad or good depending on the guy you are

Similar to (4) and (6) I don't see any consideration for whether the girl wants to have sex here.

Recommended read: https://knowingless.com/2021/10/19/becoming-a-whorelord-the-overly-analytical-guide-to-escorting/

Get off porn: https://easypeasymethod.org/

Forgot that the planning call is in the afternoon on Mondays. A whole day ahead of me.

Write write write. What to write about? What to think about? Before facing the day. Before facing the day I will...

Stretch – done.

Drink water – doing.

Listen to some music – is it really necessary? No, it's not. In fact it's a tad distracting.

I am worried about my wife looking over my shoulder to see what I'm writing. It doesn't feel good to be watched. It's a feeling that I'm going to be critiqued, laughed at, misinterpreted. That I won't get time to come up with a proper defense.

But why should I feel that way with my wife? Of all people, she should be able to assume the best of me. She lives with me and decided to be my partner. If she secretly is out to get me, then that's on her – she decided to marry a guy she doesn't respect and wants to see embarrassed.

Water is good.

Coffee is good too. I bought a shitton of decaf recently because it was on sale, 30% off. At ~11 USD a bag usually (which is easily double normal coffee prices, RIP poor people's efforts to become less addicted), for 5 bags, that's a total of $16 saved – over a whole bag free. And closer to the normal coffee price.

I feel a bit meh today because I seem to have an ear infection flareup. First it was on the right side, but that went away, but now seemingly I've got it on the left side and it doesn't seem to be getting better. But thanks to the antibiotics that I'm taking, leftover ear drops from last infection, and fresh air, I think I'm going to be fine. Maybe a workout today will give me a little immune system ramp-up.

Speaking of antibiotics – I'm finally on good acne treatment. Higher quality facial soap, a creme to put on at night, and antibiotics. My face is getting itchy, but I think that's because the acne deep under my skin is dying and the skin is adapting. I ran out of facial sunscreen so I ended up using CeraVe hydrating facial lotion which seems to work just as good if not better. Seemingly all these lifestyle changes were good but just not as effective as some medicine. I am glad I quit alcohol and sugar – they seem to have reduced my blackheads and whiteheads significantly. Just not cystic acne.

My teeth are getting whiter too. My gel is lasting longer than I expected so I think I will spend an extra week in C, so that I can use all of it. I hope my temporary bruxism plate doesn't break.

Someone reading this might wonder why I am publishing private thoughts in a journal-like format publicly. I think it's because I know I'm just going to delete it if I store it in text files on my computer. Plus the experience of writing here is nicer. And I guess I can access it anytime by going to tiny.write.as/gringo. Potentially too, it's because I can build up a good habit of writing a blog, and omitting private details.

I don't read much of my writing right now. I want to avoid self-censoring. Perhaps I'll restart the Artist's Way program and use this as my morning pages instead of the book. I suspect it'll get me to edit or read my pages at some point.

What to do today?

It's 11:22. I have til 4pm or so to do what I want. Potentially some work preparation would be good. But would it? Might as well just leave it for later...

I will need to eat lunch at some point. But I've had two boiled eggs, so I'm good for now.

Outside is a bit messy and could use a clean. Old ass towel could be thrown out and replaced with my current semi-clean but stained shirt. Clothes could be folded and put away. Bed could be made. Dishes could be cleaned. Bathroom surfaces could be wiped down and holders cleaned. But how would it make me feel? Just like I've lost hours cleaning, right? Putting things into order for no good reason. They quickly lose order again.

Nah, better to wait until I feel more motivated to put things in order. Right now I'm okay with a bit of chaos.

I like the idea of going through my contacts. That's the kind of order I could find interesting. I like to keep things simple...

What would be a good method of doing that?

Go through my most recent messages on all my most-checked platforms, search for the relevant contact, if I find none, make one? Most of my A category contacts will be in my recently contacted...

Look for dupes and remove them? About 382 by my last count.

Yeah hm, that's pretty grindy.

I'll check out my tasklist...

  • Buy bus ticket KBH>AAR – yeah, worth trying to get an orangebillet now... ok, confirmed, I can't. Have to buy in-country. Do it tomorrow or this evening.
  • Book bus to C – same here, I don't know exactly what day so I'll wait.

.... bruh, all the rest are fucking boring. Not inspiring at all. No money, no energy, just grindeeeey.

What could actually work? What could actually be inspiring?

Reading a book? Going for a run? Meditating?

This is already a kind of meditation. Writing without a set aim or purpose. Observing what I feel.

yeah lol. The single most interesting thing I can do today is write until I have to work.

Why are Brazilian girls so fucking hot?

It's not fair. Though it's pretty nice at the same time.

But seriously – so many hot girls in this country.

One I just met... I am trying to focus on what she has to say, the professional reasons she's reaching out to me. But she's damn pretty.

I am worried about being tempted to cheat while my wife is away. Not because I'll justify it by her being away, but because I will be 6 weeks without seeing her. I won't be able to touch her, fuck her, kiss her, hug her, nothing.

But I think I know the answer. I'll be tempted, but I won't do shit. Even trying out a tantric massage with a girl would make me feel guilty. Or, I would only do it with her permission, which she'd only give if I first get massaged by a guy, and maybe not even then.

I don't believe in that shit some men say about how you can get away with it, lie, omit the truth. It would eventually come up in conversation, it would eventually eat at me. No, cheating is not for me.

But on the positive side... if we did break up... or if she cheated on me... I would more than happily return to the dating pool. Regardless of the fact that many chicks are boring and/or crazy, there are some fucking gems out there – beautiful girls with great personalities.

Vish... I don't want to get in trouble. If I get coffee with this girl that is looking for a crypto job, there's a risk she'll pick up on my attraction to her and try to use it against me. How can I prevent any bad effects? I suppose by saying I have a wife early.

Time to go outside and get some motherfucking sun methinks!

Then what?

Updating contacts. We already know there is nothing better for us to do today.

Ah yes, and having lunch.

Implementing Jakob's system. https://jakobgreenfeld.com/stay-in-touch

In a cafe. Raining outside. “Black tea” at my side, though it looks more red than black. It's comfy. A incandescent yellow light spilling down from above.

Thinking. Listening to brain.fm. Considering what to do with my life.

So many areas I could put my energy.

Talked with my cofounder yesterday. About how we are just becoming middle-managers, cogs in a machine. No longer affecting the product, strategy, or marketing like we used to.

He is okay with the situation. For him, startup life is too uncomfortable and stressful. He is happy with the tradeoff of flexibility for security.

But am I?

I would like to build and sell things.

Talking to my dad and both my cofounders, they seem to agree that one of the best courses of action I could do is start a sideproject and keep my day job.

I'm inclined to agree. With something to fill the void, I could easily reduce dayjob hours to less than 20 a week. Right now I am stuck updating spreadsheets and writing JIRA tickets because there's nothing else better for me to do – or perhaps, where I could add more value. And there will always be an unlimited amount of work to do in those areas. As Kevin Kelly says, the reward for good work is more work.

Anyway here are some ideas for what I can do:

  • Begin staying in touch with hundreds of people
  • Mine crypto – e.g. Monero or the new one I've got my eyes on, P.
  • Help sex workers leave the industry – or perhaps, take morals out of it, just help them protect their earnings. Moralizing doesn't help, no.
  • Find new mates
  • Start a new hobby (or expand my writing habit)
  • Quit caffiene (coffee is becoming less necessary to me recently as I've become more anxious and wake up alert/anxious by default)
  • Translate stuff I like into Portuguese e.g. Diversify Your Life
  • Build a new type of block explorer that helps my coworkers
  • Buy a new, better bed
  • Buy new taps and drains and toilet seats
  • Re-seal the kitchen and bathrooms
  • Plan a reunion with all my exchange friends
  • Get my second and third vaccines faked and added onto the official health app

Blank page.

There I did it. I started writing.

Thought #1 – The person who doesn't go with the mob will feel better. That's true.

Thought #2 – I have done shit all today. But I feel pretty decent, so that's good!

Thought #3 – Time to stop listing these thoughts in numeric order.

How hard I work is irrelevant compared to who I work with and what I work on.

So, what should I work on?

Writing? Reading? Building? Selling? What?

Music? Painting? Hiking? Gardening? Shooting? Self defense? Black markets?

Water filters? Waste management?

What have I put on my “to do” list? There's a reason I'm avoiding it, surely...

[ ] Calculate our invoices due til now, and crypto buffer accumulated. Then, tell B/N.

[ ] Create reimbursement tab, copy/confirm all reimbursements done to date

[ ] Separate SS issues from Site Bugs into separate Google Doc, advise them.

[ ] Reorder bank card to M's address

Yeah, I know why. It's all fucking boring. And not something I'm particularly good at either.

Manually summing up sales and invoice numbers. Manually...

I actually got going on the first bit. Hold tight.

Eating/drinking milk and honey before bed. I probably ought not to, as it's something a sugar addict would eat. But it reminds me of hokey-pokey ice cream.

What am I uniquely good at?

As Seth Godin says:

What are you doing today that only you can do? What would happen if that’s all you did all day?

I'm definitely not an expert at finances or government compliance. In fact I fucking hate it.

Duck whispering – a metaphor for prayer.

https://yewtu.be/watch?v=kJn6rvivufY

Understand your inner life as a duck. Be connected to your inner wisdom – and when the outside world is going crazy, that inner wisdom you're connected with gives you a sense of calm – and gives a sense of calm to those you're around.

Prayer

I have drawn a simple picture of a person kneeling before a duck to symbolise and demonstrate my ideas and feelings about the nature of prayer. I ask the reader to bear with the absurdity of the image and to remember that the search for the sublime may sometimes have a ridiculous beginning. Here then is the story behind the picture.

A man kneels before a duck in a sincere attempt to talk with it. This is a clear depiction of irrational behaviour and an important aspect of prayer. Let us put this aside for the moment and move on to the particulars.

The act of kneeling in the picture symbolises humility. The upright stance has been abandoned because of the human attitudes and qualities it represents: power, stature, control, rationality, worldliness, pride and ego. The kneeling man knows, as everybody does, that a proud and upright man does not and cannot talk with a duck. So the upright stance is rejected. The man kneels. He humbles himself. He comes closer to the duck. He becomes more like the duck. He does these things because it improves his chances of communicating with it.

The duck in the picture symbolises one thing and many things: nature, instinct, feeling, beauty, innocence, the primal, the non-rational and the mysterious unsayable; qualities we can easily attribute to a duck and qualities which, coincidentally and remarkably, we can easily attribute to the inner life of the kneeling man, to his spirit or his soul. The duck then, in this picture, can be seen as a symbol of the human spirit, and in wanting connection with his spirit it is symbolic picture of a man searching for his soul.

The person cannot actually see this 'soul' as he sees the duck but he can feel its enormous impact on his life. Its outward manifestations can be disturbing and dramatic and its inner presence is often wild and rebellious or elusive and difficult to grasp: but the person knows that from this inner dimension, with all its turmoil, comes his love and his fear, his creative spark, his music, his art and his very will to live. He also feels that a strong relationship with this inner world seems to lead to a good relationship with the world around him and a better life. Conversely, he feels that alienation from these qualities, or loss of spirit, seems to cause great misery and loneliness.

He believes in this spiritual dimension, this inner life, and he knows that it can be strengthened by acknowledgment and by giving it a name.

He may call it the human spirit, he may call it the soul or he may call it god. The particular name is not so very important.

The point is that he acknowledges this spiritual dimension. He would be a fool to ignore it, so powerful is its effect on his life, so joyous, so mysterious, so frightening.

Not only does he recognise and name it but he is intensely curious about it. He wants to explore it and familiarise himself with its ways and its depth. He wants a robust relationship with it, he wants to trust it, he wants its advice and the vitality it provides. He also wants to feed it, this inner world, to care for it and make it strong. It's important to him.

And the more he does these things, this coming to terms with his soul, the more his life takes on a sense of meaning. The search for the spirit leads to love and a better world, for him and for those around him. This personal act is also a social and political act because it affects so many people who may be connected to the searcher.

But how do we search for our soul, our god, our inner voice? How do we find this treasure hidden in our life? How do we connect to this transforming and healing power? It seems as difficult as talking to a bird. How indeed?

There are many ways, all of them involving great struggle, and each person must find his or her own way. The search and the relationship is a lifetime's work and there is much help available, but an important, perhaps essential part of this process seems to involve an ongoing, humble acknowledgment of the soul's existence and integrity. Not just an intellectual recognition but also a ritualistic, perhaps poetic, gesture of acknowledgment: a respectful tribute.

Why it should need to be like this is mysterious, but a ceremonial affirmation, no matter how small, seems to carry an indelible and resonant quality into the heart which the intellect is incapable of carrying.

Shaking the hand of a friend is such a ritual. It reaffirms something deep and unsayable in the relationship. A non-rational ritual acknowledges and reaffirms a non-rational, but important, part of the relationship. It is a small but vital thing.

This ritual of recognition and connection is repeatable and each time it occurs something important is revitalised and strengthened. The garden is watered.

And so it is with the little ritual which recognises the inner life and attempts to connect to it. This do-it-yourself ceremony where the mind is on its knees; the small ceremony of words which calls on the soul to come forth. This ritual known simply as prayer.

A person kneels before a duck and speaks to it with sincerity. The person is praying.