By Jamie Lynn Heller
21st Century Reflection -Jamie Lynn Heller
Quarantine has forced me to look at myself more in the past year than in all the other years combined. I was bashful about it at first, remembering reprimands and accusations of vanity –
(We'd sit at the long table
in the formal dining room,
white linens, crystal glasses,
my feet swinging freely a-
bove the floor. When I’d get off
rhythm, bang one against the
chair leg, the sudden si-
lence from the adults was a slap.
Their talk jumped around above
my head long past the warmth of
the food I pushed around. On
the far wall a mirror hung
above the buffet, the safe
for china and other heir-
looms to be handled with care.
I liked to watch us in that
frame, eating, talking. It was
like watching an oblong mo-
vie. We were all recognize-
able but from a differ-
ent angle, including the
girl with bangs in her eyes, slight-
ly hunched over, in a dress
whose collar looked stiff, scratchy.
The girl outside me didn’t
look the same as I thought she
should. I watched my own mouth as
I spoke, tried to catch a glimpse
of myself when I wasn’t
looking, but after a too
long moment’s slip when I put
my elbows on the placemat,
and corrections went unheard,
they accused me of being
too vain and moved me to the
other side of the table
where I had to look at a
collection of glass birds too
frozen to ever fly a-
way with my thoughts.)
– But now my workday consists of watching myself on a screen. Is it really a reflection when the camera captures you and then shows you back to yourself? Or is it something else? A transmission maybe? It feels like I’m in two places at once. Somehow here and there, especially when the Wi-Fi snags and my movements and voice come back to me on a time delay. I’ve learned if I log in twice I can see myself head-on and from the side partially answering the question, “How do other people see me?” (A question I’d try to answer before) I wonder if this is close to what people who have had an out of body experience have seen? This strange sensation of wondering, “Who is that” and then suddenly recognizing yourself.