By Charles
I consider myself a member of many communities. I am a musician and a gamer; a father and a son; a midwestern boy with established roots in Kansas soil. All of these and more contribute to my sense of self and shape the communities I find myself in. I also am a naturally reticent person. I express my feelings in the written word, but in person I struggle to overcome the oppressive weight of social anxiety and am constantly trying to read non-verbal cues to know how I should mold myself to avoid rejection. As I grew up, I developed routines; habits that helped me fit in. I even led groups in my communities: a section leader in band and a community organizer for the local game store. I felt more comfortable. No second-guessing interactions, just going from task to task and day to day with a plan for it all.
COVID-19
The disease that broke routines. It made me question why I was doing the things I was doing. Was I really interacting? Was I part of a community or just going through motions engrained bone deep in my consciousness? How do I fill my days, and if I don’t fill them to the top and pour on a dose of podcasts to fill the gaps, how do I sit with it? The silence. Standing still.
Three years in and life has ramped up again. I am reconnecting with friends and family. I am volunteering in a jazz band and attending conventions. I am taking family outings and smiling at neighbors at the annual summer cookout. Am I connected? Am I engaged? Have I just replaced old habits with new? Switched around the routines and convinced myself that this is really what I like? That this is my community? Who can say?
Maybe I will figure it out in the next pandemic.