jsx

I think that I might be afraid of everything. I am afraid of what people might think of my ideas. I am afraid of the person who calls me a bad writer. I am afraid of letting down my wife. I am afraid of figuring out that I am not capable of what I want to do. I am afraid of sucking. I am afraid of regret. I am afraid.

Today, I had some realizations that fear is driving a lot of my decisions and dicdates a lot of what I want to do and what I want to make.

I have a bad habit. I constantly think and dwell and even get obsessive about a topic. I can sometimes do a deep dive on something and let it consume me entirely. In some cases that can be really helpful and can guide you in learning something new very quickly. But, today I got some answers about myself.

I think I am afraid. I think that I might be afraid of everything. I am afraid of what people might think of my ideas. I am afraid of the person who calls me a bad writer. I am afraid of letting down my wife. I am afraid of figuring out that I am not capable of what I want to do. I am afraid of sucking. I am afraid of regret. I am afraid.

Today, I had some realizations that fear is driving a lot of my decisions and dictates a lot of what I want to do and what I want to make. I love this and I want to keep publishing and keep exploring different styles of stories. I have been writing fiction a lot lately and I want to start to share those stories. I am going to keep try to improve and try to get better each day. I want to make sure that I support people who are bringing joy to the world.

At around the beginning of the year. I decided to do a want list with a friend of mine. We just decided to write down some of the things that we wanted to achieve in a bulleted list. It was just something to kind of get the end goals down on paper and then start building the bridges to get to those goals. I decided to keep the want list handy so I can just look at it every so often if I thought that things were getting off track or I needed to be reminding if I am going to the ends that I really want.

I pulled the list out tonight to look at it again to get inspired again. I started looking at some other people and looking at their success and I started to get depressed. I saw some people achieving levels that I aim to achieve. I feel into that trap of comparing and started to feel it. But, I decided to look back at that list. It may have only been about three months since I wrote and I have time to achieve what I want to get done. I just need to have patience and keep working at it. I remember listening to someone that I’d admire but the name is blanking on me. They said, “eat shit for 24 months and then you will win.” Sometimes you gotta slow down and just keep pounding out the work.

I am on of those people that would be able to tell you the song that was playing during important life events. I have always received the most inspiration from listening. It was one of the reasons that music was so important to me in my teenage years. The stories and emotion were something that I was able to instantly understand and connect with than any other media. I used to be able to sit quietly in my basement in high school and just listen with my cheap headphones. I would just be able to close my eyes and I would be able to create these worlds and stories in my head from what I was listening to. A simple song would generate hundreds of ideas. I used to just right down music video ideas for the songs that I was listening to.

I don’t remember the first audio book or podcast that I listened to. It was just a natural medium for me to move to. I like to read as well but I am able to soak in more information quickly by just listening. I can also do it as a secondary activity and not just a primary activity.

Audio has always been an important part of my life and my development. I have tried to make some audio samples and have experimented with the idea of a podcast. I want to keep trying to make something that is meaningful and impactful.

In the meantime, I started a newsletter that will highlight some of the great content that I have come across and experienced. I want to curate some of the great moments and also talk about my journey of trying to make one.

Each morning, I could wake up and think about a million excuses to start the day off with. The mind goes into a million different places when you wake up. Today, I wanted to try to do something different. I wanted to think about something really good first thing in the morning. Thinking about the things that get me excited to wake up in the morning.

I felt a bit better starting my day off. I thought it was always bullshit to wake up and think about what are you grateful for each day.

Then today, I read this post by Ryan Holiday. The quote “Being Curious Is a Career.” I just never saw it like that. He also goes on to say “I think the way you get paid to do that is by making that curiosity valuable to other people” and “You can’t just nerd out — there has to be value creation.”

I really like the thought of this. It just was something that was important for me to think about. I have been on this journey lately and asking myself a lot of questions. I like reading all of these types of articles as they can be stimulating. It gives me hope that I can craft that career and mission that I envision.

Each morning, I could wake up and think about a million excuses to start the day off with. The mind goes into a million different places when you wake up. Today, I wanted to try to do something different. I wanted to think about something really good first thing in the morning. Thinking about the things that get me excited to wake up in the morning.

I felt a bit better starting my day off. I thought it was always bullshit to wake up and think about what are you grateful for each day.

Then today, I read this post by Ryan Holiday. The quote “Being Curious Is a Career.” I just never saw it like that. He also goes on to say “I think the way you get paid to do that is by making that curiosity valuable to other people” and “You can’t just nerd out—there has to be value creation.”

I really like the thought of this. It just was something that was important for me to think about. I have been on this journey lately and asking myself a lot of questions. I like reading all of these types of articles as they can be astimulating. It gives me hope that I can craft that career and mission that I envision.

Today, went a bit different than a normal Monday for me. I did everything that I wouldn’t normally do. It all started with me hitting the snooze button and waking up almost two hours later than I would normally set out to do. When I woke up, I almost felt like I did something wrong. I felt guilt for sleeping in and I felt guilty for missing something on my goal list. A funny thing happened that I noticed. I wasn’t able to put my day on autopilot. It made me aware and more conscious in the moment. It helped me break up the day more and get more things done that I wanted to get accomplished. It is amazing sometimes what a small tweak or change and the type of effect that can have on your day.

Rejection is a hard thing to deal with for me. Sometimes, it is something that can be washed away and moved onto the next thing. Then there is this other said where you start to believe in some of these things that you were being told.

It seems like at each stage in my life I have always had someone tell me that I couldn’t do this or that. I almost wanted to make a list of all those moments and how they impacted me. But, I was talking to a good friend today and he said something that really stuck with me. “It’s just fuel. you get to choose the fire you put it in”

Today, started with a fury of ideas. I woke up and just really enter into a flow and things was flowing. I was seeing some of my ideas and projects that I have been thinking about in a different light. I was feeling like I haven’t in months. Then a few curveballs were being thrown at me.

But, as I often to do try and change my mindset I put open on a podcast and I heard this quote.

“I wanted to validate my weirdness”

It was one of those perfect moments as that sums up entirely how I felt in the moment. I feel like I haven’t had that moment to validate my path or even just a wink to it.

I generate ideas and I never act on them. I talk myself out of them. I say that I am not good enough. I don’t have enough skills. How does this fit my brand and my audience? I don’t have a brand and audience. But, I need to get those.

The lists can go on and on. But, I have to make some sort of change and that change starts now. The urge of shipping and just trying new ideas are going to brought to the forefront. I am not going to be afraid of that the fact that my interest brings me into a lot of wide topics and different areas. I am going to celebrate them all. I am going to create things that bring value into the world and that harness discussion. I am going to create things that are fun and that I want to see in the world.

Below are a few projects that I have been kicking around. But, haven’t done much with them. Content

Personal Blog – personal blog, daily commentary. imaginary.club – Old project that I still really like make I want to make it a little more focused. VR/AR lets look at what is next and figure out how it works. I would love to try a podcast component with this as well.

The Weakness of Strength – A Podcast about falling in love for each person’s perspective. Each week hear their side of the story. Curation

Peaceful Wolf – Tools to help peaceful protests, online tools to block hate and spot fake news.

Also, I Would love to release more courses. It was a task that I did find some enjoyment from them. It helps

I am going to change my mindset from lists and lists to launching and experiment with all of the ideas. Things will go well and things will go south. The goal is to make sure that I empty the tank every day.