Jules, writing

First came the “okay, I can do it, I'm starting uni again”.

Then came the “fuck, it's all so dis_ableist and it costs so much (money and pain) and nobody seems to care”.

Then came the “but I'm prepared this time. I've never been so prepared. Okay, I'm gonna read this book called Academic Ableism to be even better prepared”.

And now I'm in the middle of reading it, setting up all sorts of (accessibility) things to help me get started. I had my first inaccessible uni zoom meeting last night. I managed to understand most of it, with the good headphones and on the big screen (I depend on lip-reading while hearing a lot, but I don't see very well, so I need both good video and audio). It's still exhausting. It does help in some ways, when I remind myself how these things are just how the university is built and designed to be. It does not make it less painful. But it gives me perspective. It's not about me personally, it's not only the fault of the people involved as educators who hate me. It's the system.

I won't change it and I can't burn myself out while trying to when I also want to actually study. So I have to manage my energy wisely. Yes, I have to fight for more accessibility and I will. But I'm not doing it without a plan and thinking about how to best approach things and not forget myself in the process. Sometimes it might be less costly to deal with one or two inaccessible zoom calls than to fight with tons of e-mails that might not even change anything. And sometimes I will still do it, because it needs to be done.

I'm actually enjoying the planning and setting things up for myself part. I just love to make plans. It helps that I have a lot of experience in distance learning, studying and working from home, so the plans can be realistic. I know myself and where my limits are much better than I did the last time I tried. And this time should be less painful than when I did my CS/math degree. I needed years to recover from the exhaustion.

One strange thing I noticed lately is, that I find it more straining to read long academic texts in German than in English. English is not one of my first languages, German is. But I always read scientific stuff in English. This degree is completely in German though. I didn't think of that. So I will have to train my brain to focus on complicated German texts again. That's funny, right? Brains are weird.

Next Chapter in “Academic Ableism” is about Universal Design. I was expecting it even sooner in the book. I am used to a very precise, mathematical way of thinking and this kind of writing, where he's all over the place with his thoughts, is not something I particularly enjoy. They are mostly good thoughts. But I always find myself thinking: get to point already. But that's something I will have to get used to in this whole social science business.

I post quotes and thoughts to the fediverse while reading the book in this public thread if you're interested: https://rage.love/@jules/107768571316859613

I'm also thinking about note taking for my studies. I'm really drawn to pen and paper. I just like the process of writing by hand, feeling the ink dry and all that. But I have to think about the accessibility of my notes too. Because I'm going to write a lot of excerpts and summaries and I need to be able to read them comfortably. That could be a problem with my handwriting being very small. So I need to experiment a bit more. Maybe write some things on paper then scan / photograph the handwriting so I can read it enlarged on my tablet (where I do most of my reading) and type summaries for exam preparations and excerpts on the computer, so I can access them via screenreader too. I have another month before the semester officially starts, so that's plenty of time to figure things out.

I'm also trying to raise money via ko-fi to pay for uni related costs. I need 299€ to cover admin fees and required materials for the upcoming semester and I don't know how to do that right now. I'm not comfortable asking for financial help like this, but I need it and that's just how it is. It's not my fault. So I'm very grateful to all the wonderful fedi friends who helped already. It feels more good than complicated <3 Here's the link again: https://ko-fi.com/A674QB4