another long day. still have not got my chores done. and i am very tired i can hardly stay awake.
the sun is out now after cloudy and rain all day.
i brought some of brents ashes to the jeweler to be put inside the pocket watch. now the back will be glued on and i can finally have it back. the hardest thing i ever did was open that box. i didnt know what to expect when i looked inside. i just felt so sad that a man i love now looks like a box of dirt.
i am feeling lost and quite alone these days. i was penpaling with someone online. sending emails back and forth everyday. today no email. so i guess he has found someone else and moved on to someone more interesting.
i continue to work on my knitted squares , good take along project for at work. the past couple of days i have not been able to follow the pattern right. so i rip it out and start over only to rip it out again. i dont know whats wrong with me. maybe just an off day i hope. i cut some more squares for the pinwheel quilt. i baste the pinwheel part so the small blocks are ready for the machine. i have some ready to be sewn together but no room on the table to put the machine right now. i need to work on cleaning it off again. it might take a long while. there is a lot of stuff on it from the sunroom.
alot of what i am doing is just to keep me busy. so i dont feel so alone. the nights are long and way too quiet. i miss him so much. i am not sleeping well. the bed is too empty.
when blake came over and said he wanted to move in, it was with the idea of keeping an eye on me and such, doing odd jobs around the house etc. it will never happen. i dont think i could ever trust him now. he kept saying he would keep in touch about the finishing etc. never happened. so i am not sure what to do. do i hire someone or try and do it myself. i have no idea. i have the room almost cleared out now. i figure i should do something now.
i am still not back to making any cards. i sit down to try and my mind is blank. there is nothing there. no ideas no thoughts on ideas. nothing. i want to make something but i just feel empty. like all my ideas died when brent did. sigh.
i am still looking for a typewriter. so far nothing. the ones i have found are too far away to go and get. guess i will keep looking for now.
as for finding a partner...i am not so sure on that anymore. i want someone special and who will accept me for who i am. dont think that is in the cards anymore. which makes me sad. have i used up all my chances on love???