katelovesorange

another long day. still have not got my chores done. and i am very tired i can hardly stay awake.

the sun is out now after cloudy and rain all day.

i brought some of brents ashes to the jeweler to be put inside the pocket watch. now the back will be glued on and i can finally have it back. the hardest thing i ever did was open that box. i didnt know what to expect when i looked inside. i just felt so sad that a man i love now looks like a box of dirt.

i am feeling lost and quite alone these days. i was penpaling with someone online. sending emails back and forth everyday. today no email. so i guess he has found someone else and moved on to someone more interesting.

i continue to work on my knitted squares , good take along project for at work. the past couple of days i have not been able to follow the pattern right. so i rip it out and start over only to rip it out again. i dont know whats wrong with me. maybe just an off day i hope. i cut some more squares for the pinwheel quilt. i baste the pinwheel part so the small blocks are ready for the machine. i have some ready to be sewn together but no room on the table to put the machine right now. i need to work on cleaning it off again. it might take a long while. there is a lot of stuff on it from the sunroom.

alot of what i am doing is just to keep me busy. so i dont feel so alone. the nights are long and way too quiet. i miss him so much. i am not sleeping well. the bed is too empty.

when blake came over and said he wanted to move in, it was with the idea of keeping an eye on me and such, doing odd jobs around the house etc. it will never happen. i dont think i could ever trust him now. he kept saying he would keep in touch about the finishing etc. never happened. so i am not sure what to do. do i hire someone or try and do it myself. i have no idea. i have the room almost cleared out now. i figure i should do something now.

i am still not back to making any cards. i sit down to try and my mind is blank. there is nothing there. no ideas no thoughts on ideas. nothing. i want to make something but i just feel empty. like all my ideas died when brent did. sigh.

i am still looking for a typewriter. so far nothing. the ones i have found are too far away to go and get. guess i will keep looking for now.

as for finding a partner...i am not so sure on that anymore. i want someone special and who will accept me for who i am. dont think that is in the cards anymore. which makes me sad. have i used up all my chances on love???

its sunday again. the days go by and it still feels like a blurr. sometimes i wonder how i got through the day.

i get up and go to work and come home. repeat. this is my weekend off and i am trying to get a few things done. i am making a boiled dinner for today. i have started to clean the gardens too. i use the timer so i am not out there too long. an hour at most so i dont hurt myself. i was out an hour this morning and will try for an hour this afternoon. i just cant spend all day doing gardening. my body wont let me. i am not sure how i will get the vegetable beds done. they need to be turned over again.

blake was supposed to move in at the end of june. he wont be. i sensed something was off. i finally messaged him and asked what was going on. and all he could say was he has to get going on the sunroom. and suddenly i felt he should not let him move in. at this point i still dont know who his gf is. i said to blake i dont think he should move in because i dont need flack from his gf. then he says i would like her and i might even know her. he tells me her name and my heart stops. its like this is a horrible nightmare. his gf is the one who tried to get me fired last fall. i said no way no how are you living here. go live at her house. i think i was a back up plan anyhow. if things didnt work out with her he still had his room here. now there is no back up plan. but i also have no help around the house.

so i am now having to do all the chores on my own. its the heavy stuff that is hard on me. i can do some of it...but when it come to asking for help who do i ask??? and if i ask will they say no or are they all too busy. i dont know. i am sore right now and will take some pain meds soon. i am going to try and get another section done in the front garden later. i sure miss having brent here to help with the outside work. he did so much to help keep things going.

i did the aviary yesterday and the cages in the back room. cat boxes done on friday. today is the rabbit cage.

all i want to do is sleep right now. i need to bring some things upstairs and try and get another bag sorted. now that the sunroom is on hold i will continue to go through things and get as much out as possible. maybe i can finish it someday.

i still have not heard from my youngest son since january when he asked for money. i dont know where he lives or if he is even still working.

ok back now...had dinner and will go back outside soon to do another hour outside. see how i feel tomorrow. i hope i wont be too sore. i am trying to get an hour in the yard everyday. not much i know but its about all i can handle.

the dating site had yielded a big fat egg. will give it one more week and then delete profile. i met brent online i was hoping lightning would strike twice. all the guys want is sex. no friendship. and i am getting men from everywhere but here messaging me and that is even more annoying. so it looks like it will be just me from now on.

so its easter sunday. i spend yet another holiday alone and working. maybe its just as well i am working. less time to have a pity party. i miss brent so much. the house is still too quiet. sure i have the birds but i miss his voice. i miss his laughter i miss so much about him.

i am still working on getting everything out of the sunroom. i am not moving very fast though. blake was supposed to be keeping in touch with when the guys will be coming and all that. well i have not heard from him in more than a week. he has a new gf. so now i am on the back burner. i am not even sure he will finish the room and move in. he says he will but i somehow doubt it. i am so tired of moving things and having it all around me in the living room. sure it will force me to go through it but still its getting annoying.

a couple of weeks ago my oldest son messaged me. i was quite surprised. i never thought i would hear from my kids. but it has been great to hear from him again. he has been telling me all about his new job. he leaves tomorrow again for the season as he works remotely . he will drive about a 1000kms to the new site. i dont envy the drive. it will be a very long day for him. he took me out for dinner last week. i had not been that excited and scared in a long time. i was not sure what to expect but it went very well and we talked almost the whole time and outside in the parking lot. i shall miss him when he is gone. i am truly grateful he made the effort to come and see me before he left. i am glad we got to talk in person as well...i think it made a difference for us.

i also found out that my youngest son is still living in town. where is unknown right now. my oldest son suspects that his brother is doing drugs. but i have not seen him for a very long time so i cant say.

in the mean time i keep myself busy with knitting and art....art not so much. i think i have lost my creativity for now. i think of trying to make something and it makes me sad. all i do is remember brent and how he loved my work.

stupid oclock monday morning i am so tired right now, and when i am this tired i am in alot more pain. i try and be so careful when i move around when i am working so i will minimize the pain but it does not always work. thank goodness i dont have to work tonight. i am going to stay home and go to bed early.

we are in lockdown again as of this past saturday. for the next 4 weeks not much will be open. so not sure if i will be able to get another mouse. i have lots of things i can work on craft wise. so i am not worried about that. i bring things to work on when at work. i am not going to sit and stare at the walls while waiting to see someone. i figure i might as well make the waiting time productive.

i also found out on the weekend i am not allowed to eat or drink when i am at work. its like WTF i will be dammed if i will go a whole shift without a drink of water at work. so shit is going to hit the fan when i finally get a hold of someone at the office. i am tired of this shit. the staff that is hired by the retirement home is allowed to eat and drink while at work. i am tired of being treated like a piece of crap. so i am going to get this sorted once and for all. one of my clients asked if i had easter dinner and i said no as i am not allowed to eat or drink in the building. she was so upset she kept saying sorry over and over again. i said its not her fault , its management doing this. i still cant believe someone would think this is ok to do to someone working a full day. i am sure they dont go a whole day without something to eat or drink...

so i called the office today and told them what i am not allowed to do at work, eat or drink. they said they would get back to me...when i have no idea.

so i joined a dating site. so far i dont see anyone i want to meet. i am certainly not into hunting and fishing...camping maybe..i guess i will give it some time before i delete my profile and be resigned to spend my life alone aka the crazy cat lady.

well i am back for as long as my laptop lasts this time. my laptop stopped working and its been in the shop. it was not charging so a new part needed to be put in. so now it is charging but my dam mouse is not working. but at least i have a bigger screen. the tablet is ok but so hard to type on. i will start another entry but for now...i wanted to let you all know i am still here and didnt do anything foolish.

its wed now. i didnt get any more work done on the sunroom as a friend came by for tea and a bitch fest. it was so fun. been a long time since i enjoyed a cup of tea so much. brent would make me a cup of tea after supper. those where the best ever. so today i have to get some things done. i have to pack up some china in the sun room and get the trunk closed. i am really trying to get it mostly done by the weekend. blake wants to come by and take a closer look at the sunroom.

i have been going through some boxes in the basement. i found some fabric and yarn. yarn i am giving away. some of the fabric i will be donating as well. there is one piece of fabric i will be making into a sun dress. i think brent would have liked it...its mostly brown...he was a beige kinda guy. so far i have emptied 2 boxes. i have lots to bring down to the shed from the sunroom. tools and stuff. most of the other things will go upstairs in the back room. i have to start that room too. i know there is lots i can donate in there too. but one box at a time. i really dont want everything tossed in the garbage after i am gone.

i want to change the tea cups this weekend.

i was thinking today at work...its a good thing i wear a mask...it sure hides alot of my expressions after a client asks for something. i dont mind wearing the mask. i have to wear a gown and gloves and now a face shield. i get tested once a week for the virus. i know i am ok.

so i put up with being too hot in a gown and gloves when giving a shower. mondays i have 7 showers. so i am wet and very warm all day. i do my best and hope the clients are happy. some days i am in alot of pain but push through as i have to work. if i dont work i dont get paid and if i dont get paid i cant pay the bills.

i have the dr ho on my back right now. it helps to dull the pain enough i can do things. brent bought it for me for my birthday or christmas one year. i am truly grateful for having this.

brent was always thinking of me. thinking of what he can do for me that would make me happy. hell doing dishes made my day. he loved to hang out the laundry. he was good at it too. he tried really hard to help around the house. i would give him a list of chores to do and he was a huge help in getting those done. he was a great cook too. nothing made me happier than to come home to dinner made. i sure miss that the most. i dont cook much at all. usually its tea and toast. or nothing. i am still not very hungry at all. i tried making something and the smell made me feel sick. as much as brent loved my cooking i think i cooked just for him and not me. i never ate much even back then.

its thurs now.

i went to a mandatory staff demonstration at the office and got more gloves and masks for work.

i did some work on the sun room , packed some glass and chicken things. i brought the boxes into the living room for now. they will go upstairs sooner or later.

i have to clean the aviary tonight. garbage day tomorrow. i want to get it out.

i thought i posted this entry so i will now so i wont forget again....

i started to take apart a sweater jacket i have been working on for years. i am taking apart the sleeves as they dont look right to me. i will then redo them. it has taken me so long as every row is a new colour. no repeats in the colours. it will then be edged in black. i am hoping to finally finish it this year.

i really have to get it together and start doing more around the house. there is no way i would want anyone over here right now. some days its just so hard to keep up with everything and i dont know where to start so i dont. i go and hide behind my laptop and think maybe later. most times later never comes.

i am trying to get caught up somewhat this morning, floors, dishes and laundry.

its sunday morning. a friend of ours came by yesterday to check up on me and visit. he mostly came by to ask if he could rent to sunroom to live in. my jaw just about hit the floor. you could have knocked me over with a feather. so now i have to get stuff out of the sunroom so it can finally be finished. mudding and taping , priming and painting and the floor. i dont understand the sunroom when there is a room upstairs but whatever. he said he would also help with things around the house, cutting the grass etc. he kept saying that brent told him he needs to do this. he was thinking of selling his house 6 months ago, long before we knew brent was sick. so what he is planning on doing is selling his house , putting what he does not need here in storage and then moving into the sunroom when its ready.

the second most amazing thing happened yesterday...my oldest son messaged me. he read the post i did in jan about brent dying. we had a long talk on facebook last night when i got home from work. we talked mostly about his new job. he is doing much better now with having a regular job. the only thing is he is spending weeks away from home. he seems to be ok with it for now. but he is young and he grew up with his dad gone alot so i think he is used to that sort of thing.

so my saturday was more amazing then i could have imagined after the death of brent. i miss brent so much that first thing i wanted to do was tell him that my son messaged me and then i remember , he is not here.

i try and not think of how sad i am at work. for a few hours i am a normal person doing my job. then i come home to an empty house and eat nothing for dinner because i am not hungry and too tired to care if i eat or not.

i still have a ton of chores to do today. but with my son talking to me again it makes my heart lighter. i hope to see him this summer when he is home for a few days.

i will have to start on the sunroom . taking my craft stuff back upstairs. i am not sure what to do with the wicker furniture. i guess it can go upstairs as well. being as our friend plans on staying here only a year, but you just never know what will happen. in other words i have to get as much out as possible so the room can be finished. the thrift shops are opening on monday. so i can drop off some stuff starting this week. so i will be starting to bring stuff there as often as i can. blake (our friend) was asking what i was going to do with some of brents things. i said i am giving away little by little but i dont think i want to give away his sweaters i made for him. i spent alot of time on those. i can give away things like his shoes and boots and some of his shirts. blake suggested that it be donated to the needy good idea so i will start bagging up with i think they might be able to use and he can bring it in.

i spent today trying to figure out where my second son is. he is not replying to my facebook messages. i am not sure who i can call that will help me. his older brother i dont think so, my kids are not talking to one another. his father, i have not talked to my ex in years. his ex gf might be his best option. i dont even know where my son is living right now. i guess kids think its ok to leave their parents in the dark about things. i worry about them all the time and i miss them all the time.

as brents empty chair is a daily reminder of how much i miss him its also a reminder of how i have to carry on and live my life. i cant just stop living because he died. i have creatures to look after and bills to pay, and projects to finish and i still have things to get rid of so my kids dont have to do it. i am going to post this and start a new page later....i have so much to get done this week.

its thursday and my day off. tomorrow i start 6 days again. the days are going by in a blurr. i dont remember much other than going to work and coming home. i am forgetting to do some chores and bringing in things from the car.

i found a antique box online. i think its a perfect size for brents ashes, and i think he will like it too.

i had some errands to do today. first was bring the car into the shop to find the leak in the power stearing line. found the leak but ended up paying to fix the tierod and an alinement of the front wheels. sigh, money i really didnt want to spend but it was becoming a safety issue. so i had no choice really. so its fixed and i am 400 less in my pocket. then i had to go pick up the wooden box. i really like it and i think it really suits brent. he always loved things big and over the top, and this box really is. after i got the box i had to go to the bank to try and sort out some paperwork for the life insurance. it seems the bank thinks i am french and all the paperwork is in french. so now i have to try and get the same paperwork sent in english. i have an appt at the bank on mon. so now the insurance payment is delayed even more.

i got a few chores done after i got home. i still have more to do but dealing with paperwork always hurts my brain. i tend to hide and hope it goes away somehow but it never does and end up dealing with it anyway.

i had a dr appt yesterday in person. she wanted to see me in the office. so i got weighed, blood pressure done and temperature. seems i am alive. dr was shocked at my weight loss since last time i was there. i explained that my husband had died in jan and that was why i was asking for something for sleep. she said she would have given it to me. i said during the phone call you had cut me off when i was trying to ask and explain why i wanted it. personally i think she needs to start listening more to what someone is trying to say and not just outright say no. so because of my weight loss i am stopping 2 of my meds. good for me. so hopefully by next year i will be off another med or two.

i brought in some cat litter from the car and got the cat boxes done , fed the birds and the aviary will have to wait for sat.i didnt want to start it while waiting on a phone call from the garage.

friday morning today starts 6days. i will be very tired tomorrow so not sure how much i will get done chore wise.

everytime i want to ask brent a question i have to remind myself i am alone now. no one to ask or get a reply from. so i am left to try and sort things on my own. still no call from my kids. wonder if they will notice when i am gone. i just dont know how to fix this. i am so sad that things have ended up like this. i am sure i am not the only one with kids who dont talk to their parents or parent. when i stopped loaning money because i need it for me and my bills they stopped calling.

i owe some trading cards but i have no ambition to finish the ones i am started to send. i know they have to be done. i find every excuse in the book to not work on them. mostly i am tired and my hands are very shaky. i dont feel confident in making a nice card when i feel like this.

i called an old friend last night just to talk and catch up. it was really nice just to talk with someone about random everyday stuff. i felt normal for a little while. just to talk and think about something else other than my life. he said he might come visit some day. i would love to get away but i have bills to pay and not much extra for fun things like travel.

i am going to close here and finish getting ready for work. its going to be a very long day.

i have no idea how i did the alone time 40 yrs ago. i would spend weeks and months alone while my ex husband was away with his job. i would go weeks without talking to anyone in person. i would stay home all the time and never go anywhere. my ex never once encouraged me to go make friends, go take a class,etc. i am finding the alone time now too much. after having brent around all the time i miss seeing him in his chair. i have not sat in his chair at all. not once. the cats have, the rabbit has, but not me. another day of not talking to anyone. i wanted to put on my facebook page that if anyone wanted to chat i am here, but i didnt i thought it would look too desperate...so i did some dishes.

today is my day off. i took out the garbage, did some dishes and cleaned the cages and aviary, some wash, and took a shower and got my uniform ready for tomorrow. its going to be a very long day tomorrow as i have a staff meeting before work. will have to make sure all food and water is topped up.

all the birds have been put away...and light is off.

friday morning. i work evenings today. i a few things to do before work. i will be gone all day so i will be very tired when i get home.

i am not sure if i should give up messaging people. they seem to wonder away during the chat and never come back. just makes me feel more alone than ever. still have not heard from the kids. i sure miss seeing the grandkids. its been so long.

i will need to go out and start the car soon. its cold here and it drives better when warmed up.

its sunday morning now.

i have to go out and do a couple of errands. i was going to to them yesterday but we had a snow storm. so i stayed home and some things around here, but not a whole lot. just find it hard to even get started on things these days.

i dont want to cook. the smell of food is upsetting to my stomach. reminds me of when i was pregant.

i am trying to use up some sock yarn so i will pick up my needles and finish the sock i am working on now. no idea how many more socks i will knit, i just want to use up the yarn and then i will stop for now. i am still going through the boxes in the basement and finding some yarn to give away. will have another go at it later on today. i want to fill another bag for a friend.

i did the bunny and budgie cages this morning. i have cat litter to take out and dishes to do. the neighbour snow blowed for me again yesterday. so i will be making more muffing....not sure of the flavour this week.

still no one to chat with today. its so quiet and i am feeling out of sorts today. i sleep away the hours mostly because it helps me forget i am alone. i look over at his chair and know it will be forever empty.....

its 5 am monday morning. i have been awake since 2am. so i got about 4 hours of sleep and i have 7 showers to do today. i will just move slow and take it one hour at a time. i miss brent so much i finding it harder and harder to sleep. i am not eating much and i am craving salt. so i bought a bag of roasted salted nuts. better than baked goods i guess.

i am finding the weekends very long. nothing on tv and too much time on my hands doing nothing. oh i have lots i should be doing, just no ambition to do it. i make a list in my head of things that need to get done and come home make tea and sit in my chair and thats where i stay. i am just too sad to do anything. i am not even interested in doing much in my art. i used to send out at least one card a day. now its not even one a week. nothing interests me. i find no joy in anything. i buy food i think i might like and forget to eat it.

i eat because i have to, because of my meds. didnt talk to anyone yesterday other than my clients. everyone is busy with their own life. i kept hoping someone would message me yesterday. i hate bothering people when they are busy and i feel like i am just a pain in the ass.

i had started a hat for a friend of ours. i am 5 rows in and have no desire to finish it.

i have started to give away some of my yarn to a young friend who will make great use of it. she cant afford to buy much and the stores right now are empty of yarn. walmart had nothing the last time i was there.

its wednesday now. i energy level is really low from working the last 6 days. but will try and finish this sometime today. i am finding i lack motavation to do anything. i have a sick full of dishes, brent would have never put up with that. i just dont care. its only me and why bother worrying about something no one else will see. the birds and cats and bunny all get fed and watered. i just dont care if i eat. i am just not hungry any more.

i am chatting to a friend of ours. he certainly does not write much online like brent used to. brent would write a whole story... i miss that. it was a joy to chat would him even over email. i am certainly not as skilled as he was in expanding on things but i really tried.

anyway i was hoping we could visit more often as we both live alone. i am not sure if he is putting me off or just found someone else he would rather spend time with. i will finish his hat anyway and hopfully get it to him asap when its done. i would like to ask him to make an urn for brents ashes, but how do you ask someone something like that?

i have errands to do after work today so its going to be a long day. pay bills and a dreaded trip to walmart to get my meds. i am going to try and get it done today so i dont have to go out tomorrow. i have chores i need to get done and once i am done those i really dont have the energy to do much. sure it forces me to get out of the house but i really dont like going to walmart. people dont wear the mask properly and some dont wear one at all. so far i am testing negative but i am doing all i can to make sure it stays that way.

i wish i had someone i could depend on to bring in the heavy things from the car like cat litter or feed.

i am still finding the house too quiet so i have the tv on alot. the talking and noise helps to keep me company. i am making myself working a little bit of some art. maybe it will help me focus on something else other than being alone.

in the shower last night i noticed how lose my rings where becoming. its both good and bad. i am worried about losing them mostly now. i moved my wedding rings from my left hand to my right. no we did not get married. he did ask the question so we where engaged and i loved that feeling of somone loving me so much . i would look up and find him just staring at me, as if he did not want to forget what i looked like. i moved my rings mostly to admit to myself that i am a widow and i am not waiting for someone to come home.

begining of feb i think i might be able to write a post and not cry all the way through it. brent has been gone now just over 2 weeks. i am finding the days long and the nights even longer. i cant sleep, i am awake every hour. i wonder around the house and feel so lost being alone here all the time.

i have no interest in doing anything. i have no desire to eat. i weighed myself this morning and have lost 2 more pounds. i stopped making any new trading cards. i was thinking of clearing off the kitchen table but even that seems like too much work. so i just left it all. maybe i will pick it up again. sometimes when i go to bed i come up with new ideas for cards, that is not even happening. i have not done any knitting in a very long time. i am not finding any joy in it right now. i need to go downstairs still and get some yard to give away to a friend. its not like i dont have enough to give away.

winter has really set in the last few days. its very cold and the wind is coming from the front of the house which means the house feels cold.

a neighbour came by and dropped off a banana bread and card. it was very nice of her and her husband. i had never really met them.

feb 20. i was not sure i would write again. i am finding things painful. when i see things like brent is gone in black and white , it makes it so much more real.

he has been gone a month now. i went back to weeks after 2 weeks of leave. work is so hard i am so sad and just dont want to be there.

i am not feeling up to cooking or chores. i do what i must and leave the rest for another day. i know lots need to be done. most times i feel like whats the point.

the kids have not called me at all. so i guess i am well and truly alone. dont think anyone would notice if i died right now.