katelovesorange

there is something about a house that is dark and empty at night. it looks so sad. i dont like coming home to no one there but the cats. brent was always so exicited when i came home from work. i sure miss that.

i have lost my mojo for creating anything. i just feel so blah. i just feel empty like i have nothing more to give.

all i do is go to work and then work at home. i feel like that is all that is ahead of me. just work. i miss the help. i miss the company. his chair sits empty and here i sit with the cats on me.

the winds have been really bad the last few days. so now alot of the trees are bare. the smell of the fallen leaves and the cold is in the air ,reminds me that winter is just around the corner.

i put bells on my shoes to make sure people hear me in the hallways and i am not scaring anyone walking around. seems i am too quiet when moving around the building and startle the residents because the dont hear me moving around.

its been another long day . between the morning job and the evening client , i am bone tired. yes i work alot, because i have to not because i want to. i wish every day that i had help with the bills. i cant go anywhere or do anything because i have bills to pay. there is not much fun in my life these days.

right now fun might be finding time to just sit and do what i want. chores are something that has to be done. most times are not fun. i miss the company of someone to just be with , chat with, make dinner for sometimes. this past weekend was thanksgiving. as usual i had to work, no family day for me. no turkey no big family meal. i had a cold sandwich at work, alone. i guess i am tired of feeling so excluded from things all the time.

the stars of love are fickle with me these days. my friend john and i had dinner together last sunday. it was his idea to get together. i on the other hand was thrilled with the idea of a. not being alone for yet another frozen dinner, and b. going out. i have always enjoyed johns company. we have known each other about 20 years now. always been good friends. things have changed recently, more for him than me. he wants to spend private time with me. why i dont know. maybe i should ask him next time i see him. why do i question this? because he is married. he says he is happy with his wife. i dont know for sure what is going on with him. we really enjoyed our dinner . we didnt go some place expensive. just to the local diner near me. we talked and laughed and flirted and i loved every minute of it. i felt very special and for a little bit i was his. after almost 2 years alone it was nice to not eat alone.

its thanks giving day. i went to work and was pretty depressed about it. another holiday spent working. no special dinner. no family around . although my oldest stopped in and took the AC out of the window for me. so now i can put the heat on. he was driving back down to work 6 hours from here. i had a frozen dinner and hot chocolate for supper. better than a grilled cheese i guess. it was really hard to pretend i was happy today. all i wanted to do was stay home and hide in my room. i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me, but it would have been nice to be invited some place for dinner.

the nights are long i find. no one to share things with. i think i miss that alot some days. i still dont sleep well at night. i miss the snuggle when going to sleep and the i love yous. i feel so empty inside. it feels like a huge part of me was scooped out when brent died and i have nothing even to put back in. i really feel the lonliness on days like this.

my doctor retired last month. she however was great and managed to get me a new dr. i am so grateful for that. i am on so many meds now i dont think i could have gone to the walk in all the time to get a new script.

i am not even in the mood to work on my quilt. i am just so sad lately.

i had a crappy night last night. i could not sleep no matter what i tried. between the cats walking on me and knowing i was working today i just could not shut my brain off. i tossed and turned and rolled over and over. i managed to get a few hours. just not enough for me.

had a pretty good day at work. things went well and got all my work done. saw my side client and made him dinner and his muffins. i am so impressed with my muffins lately. they look store bought.

no more work done on the kitchen, i fell asleep. so will try for a bit of time tomorrow. its a shorter day tomorrow. i also have a dinner date with john tomorrow. i am looking forward to spending a few hours with him .... alone. just visiting and chatting and just us. i have to keep reminding myself this can never go anywhere, we have to remain just friends, he can never stay over here, and i can never stay at his house. why you ask? hes married. i have known him for 20 years and its only in the last year or so that our friendship has progressed to this level. we have flirted and laughed alot , i always thought that is all there is.

my heart is at a loss. i miss the company of a man. i also dont want to change his life. he has made the changes to our friendship. he invited me to dinner. i dont know where he wants this to go. but i think its time i found out, more for my piece of mind. maybe i need to know where the line is drawn.

my ex still lives. how i have no idea. he drinks all day and night. when his mother died he was nothing but a pititful drunk in front of family. i guess now they know what i was dealing with for all those years. i am still glad i am not with him. sometimes i wish our life turned out better. wish he was not a mean drunk, or didnt drink at all. maybe be a better father to his sons. no we cant change the past, only learn from it.

the rabbit stole my muffin last night.

last night was fun. went out with my gf and her husband and her parents. we went for dinner at a seasonal resturant. the food was good i had fish tacos. it was the last dinner for the season. so we timed it good. then we went to the casino. well i had never been to one, so i was not sure what to expect. after only seeing one on tv, i thought maybe CSI was going to come in and arrest someone...ha. anyhow i played a couple of machines , it was ok. nothing to write home about. we only stayed about an hour. i broke even and cashed out. my gfs husband won 216.00 lucky day for him. so we all went home. i felt so alone. after a night out brent and i would talk and maybe have a cup of tea before bed. but last night it was just too quiet.

today i spent trying to clean the kitchen. it was a small effort. i got some dishes done and made dinner and a cake. brent loved cake. he was always asking for cake. i always tried to make something he would like. some days i dont even want to make the effort , no one here to care but me.

today i hard time finding the rabbit. he has found a new hiding spot. sigh. now i have to find that spot to make sure he is ok.

i am trying to tidy the house. it didnt get messy in one day its not going to get cleaned in one day.....

so its my day off and there are many things on my plate today i want to get done. i am just not sure how much i will be able to get done with my energy levels today.

its late and i am still up watching tv. i am over tired and still have to get the garbage out. the nights are colder now and i dont want to go out. but it must be done. i did get the aviary done and cat boxes.

i did go and make dinner for my client too. thursdays are usually mac and cheese and muffins. i also dropped off some stock at the store. only took a few weeks to remember to bring it with me , finally. my memory is getting worse these days. i am glad i remembered and the new things are out. they wont sell in the basket in the house. i also noticed that their was a class going on tonight and by spur of the moment i decided after cooking dinner i would go. it was fun just to get out again and do something that is not work. i made a painted mandela. it turned out ok. its drying in the car. i figured if i brought it in the cats would walk all over it.

i am still finding the nights hard. i dont like to sleep alone. the house just feels so empty with out brent here. his voice would fill the room. i still have a couple of messages on the answering machine. i still play them now and again just to hear his voice and believe he was real in my life.

so. it has been a very long time since i wrote anything. my grief has over taken me in alot of ways. i am sad, but i have to be happy at work. i am lost but i have to pretend all is well.

during the summer i tried planting tomatoes and squash. the deer enjoyed the salad bar that is my yard. they ate the tomato plants down to almost nothing. the plan for next summer is a fence around the garden and my holly hocks. they really like those too. i put a fence around the apple tree and the poor little tree has really grown. maybe some day i might have some apples. who knows.

i am tired alot too. i have taken on a side client. i go to his house and make him dinner 4 nights a week. it makes my days much longer. it started out that i was just cooking for shawn. now i am cooking for his brother tom too. they both love my cooking. go figure...lol my ex was very critical of my cooking. today i did a load of laundry as well. i put the clothes in the dryer and turned it on. i thought the thing was going to explode. tom says its the barings. what ever is making that horrible sound maybe they should get it fixed.

work is going well. over the months i have managed to get one thing done. i went into the office in the spring and asked that when i am training someone i get paid more. my reasoning is that if i am good enough to train someone i am good enough to get paid more. so now when i am training i get paid 5.00 an hour more. one small step to more change.

i am still working in just one spot. i really like it and the people there are getting to know me. two wings have been added to the retirement home. the first wing has opened and lots of people have moved in and i got my first client on that side this week.

i have also been visiting a former client on my own time. she is very depressed and i have been trying to encourage her to eat and drink. she has basicly given up . i hate seeing that in someone who had so much life. so i go in and try and make her laugh and maybe convince her that life is still good.

i found a newer used car over the summer as well. i didnt have a choice. my old car was falling apart and would not last the next winter. i was so very lucky to find the car. low milage and in near mint condition and a fantastic price too. so i will make the winter. my insurance went up of course but i expected it.

i also gave away 2 of the doves, and a cage. the lady i gave them too was thrilled to have them. this week however they came home. she is selling her house and is not sure where she is going from here.

i joined a dating web site over a year ago, hoping to meet someone. i have not met anyone. even though i am looking for a companion, maybe i am being too picky. i did have dinner with someone but he has parkensons , all i could see in this was me becoming his caregiver. so i just left that to the side. so i am still single . i still talk to my friend in london almost every night. its like a check in for us. i dont know if he is seeing anyone. if he is i am not sure i want to know. i think it would be painful. i am going to bed now.....

i thought i wrote here sooner....memory is bad sometimes. anyhow i made it through covid, with just a bad cough. its mostly gone now. i am back to work and still have my student. she is doing well and says she really likes the job. i can only hope i am teaching her what she needs to know to do her job. its not easy to learn on your own the way i did.

most of the snow is gone now, yehhhhh. but its snowing today, yuck. i remembered to get the garbage out last night and recycle. i forgot last week. how i have no idea.

i have been working on the things for the crafters market to sell. the display is put together so now i am getting ready to paint it. bright red. i also need to have a sign made for the very top of it. i really like how it turned out. i have old and new stuff ready to sell. i am using up what i have as well as buying some new. this is the first thing i have been excited about since brent died.

he has been gone a year now and it still feels like yesterday. i can still see and feel him laying in his hospital bed. i often wonder if he knew i was there. i miss him everyday. i am still grateful i was able to be there for him. the cancer took him so fast that even now i still think of questions i should have asked him. too late now, but i am preparing my son for when i die. i have told him he will get the house , and he can do with it what he wants.

i had joined a dating site about a year ago. so far scammers and controlling men, and then there is the ones who only want sex. none of which i want. so i remain alone. its ok. maybe there is no one for me here. maybe it was just luck i met brent. who knows. even if i dont meet anyone i will always have the memory of someone who loved me very much.

i think the rabbit knows its spring. he is doing zoomies all over the house. like the cats he follows me everywhere too...i think its to beg for a raisin....lol

i am making some progress with the painting in the kitchen. the pantry door is almost done. it needed 3 coats of paint to cover the darker wood. the door is the same colour as the walls and the trim is blue. next comes the basement door.

i am on day 2 of 6 day stretch...so will try and get some things done this afternoon....

i was up very early. only 5 hours of sleep. i still feel tired of course but maybe i will nap later. now i am just scrolling facebook looking for someone to chat with. i dont want to bother anyone if they are busy , i dont want to be a pest to someone either. sometimes i just need to connect with a friend, like a check in saying i am ok. when you dont live alone you take for granted that your someone will always be there with you.

so my brain is working some what ok today. will try and make a few entries before i go back to work. i am sort of half and half . i want to go back , but like being home too. i like being able to do my chores in a more relaxed manner. most times i am rushing because i have to be at work, or i am too tired because i just got home. self care is very important for me now. i have to be so careful about how i do things so i dont hurt myself. i am trying to stay positive mentally but take that day by day.

i have some chores that need to be done today. will work on those as energy levels dictate. i am working on a knitted bear, it will have to stay at home as following a pattern at work is almost impossible. too many distractions. so far i am only bringing the sewing to work to work on. it really does help pass the time and i finish something too.

i have started to take down some of the outside xmas stuff. will need the stepstool to do the rest. i think i will leave the lights up but will take down the ornaments and garland. i really like the lights.

i put out the bird feeder again yesterday. no birds yet but it wont take long for the birds to find it, or the chipmonks.

i look at the box i have brents ashes in and wonder what will happen to him when i am gone. my son has said he would make sure we stay together. that gave me some comfort. i have been buying seasonal silk flowers to put on his box. i often wonder if he likes it. if nothing else i do. i think it reminds me i still think of him, every day.

i need to write a letter this week to. i have a penpal in the uk. i also was writing to 2 ladies here , but i dont think they want to continue writing after i sent them a letter in dec. thats ok. everyones life is different, and i know mine sure is after brent died.

i am going to break here for now and work some more on the teddy bear. back after supper.

typical of me....thought i posted this

so i got sent home from work yesterday. not because i did anything wrong. the rapid test i have to do every day when i go to work showed 2 lines. not good. so i came straight back home. called work. kinda sureal never thought i would get it.

there has been a covid out break at the retirement home so maybe i should not be surprised. i have had my shots, and a booster. so far the only thing that has changed is the fact that i cant stop coughing. i thought it was acid reflux at first, but its not. its calmed down a bit today. i am doing ok overall though. just a bit tired, but i am always tired.

got a few things done today. dishes, started to brush out the rabbit, i took him outside so the fur can fly away. it was raining so i didnt stay out too long . took another bin to the basement . looked for that stupid shelf, still cant find it. maybe i got rid of it i dont know. i was going to put it on the display tree that my son helped to build last weekend. took the tree down and that bin went to the basement. washed the corners and moved the chairs around. trying to sort out things in the living room for selling etc. made dinner, breaded mexican chicken, and coleslaw i think.

its been hard trying to get this together on my own. i am really trying to remember things that ruth taught me. i have forgotten alot. i ordered the business cards, and they look great! i designed them myself and my son and i designed the display tree as well. it turned out great. now the top needs to be screwed to the base and i can paint. i found a metal display tree in the basement as well. will paint that and it will be used how i am not sure yet. i have one more bin to repack and then i am finally done with xmas.

i also put out the bird feeder today. alot of the snow is gone and i see alot of birds around. maybe the birds can use the rabbit fur as well for the nest.

i am trying new things to sell. first was a knitted ball, and next is a crochet beaded lizard, next will come a knitted teddy bear. while looking for the shelf for the display tree i found a binder with some old patterns for knitting a bear. its small so i think it will be a good thing to make up. something a child might like. also found a basic knitted doll pattern as well. will have to design some clothes for it.

i decided i am going to start using more of what i have canned up. being as brent is not here no point in letting it just sit there. i lucky to have the skills to be able do canning. it saves me money and time on days when i dont have the energy to cook.

so now i am home for about a week. the idea now is to try and get some things done i have been putting off...like dusting the bookcase . washing the kitchen cupboards , and sorting some more of the pantry...see how much i get done...

as i check my friends list and see who is online i am reminded of the chat rooms on yahoo. one could go in and find someone to chat with and spend time with others for a while. i miss those. i had many friends in the chatrooms. i knew i would never meet any of them but it was nice to have someone to chat with. i am finding the house too quiet again. maybe because i have to stay home for a week. i use work as a way to talk to people and get out of the house. now i dont have that. i wonder what i will be like when i am not working and really stuck at home because i need a wheelchair....