katelovesorange

day off and i should be out doing things. but i just dont have the energy to do anything. its like i live here alone now so if it does not get done it does not matter. if i dont eat it does not matter. if i dont do anything it does not matter. my creatures i feed and water and clean up after them. they are happy i am home.

i spend hours at a time in front of my laptop hoping someone will message and say hi how are you doing..... no one ever does. yes i know i can message and say hi. i have messaged and some dont respond or i get a short hi and not much else as they wonder away from the keyboard. so i keep the radio and tv on for company. i go to bed alone , i wake up alone. i wake up hoping this is still a dream. but its not. i get up and carry on with my day and try and get a few things done. being alone never gets any easier. the amount of times my ex went away and came back months later was still hard. the key part is there was someone coming home. today there is no one. i come home to the cats, birds, and the bunny. all of which in their own way are happy i am home i am sure, its just not the same as coming home and having someone rush downstairs to get a hug and is so happy to see you. i miss him so much.

i washed the floor, and an hour later the cat pukes on it. sigh. so i have to do it again. still have a ton of dishes to do. i never seem to get around to doing them, or i just dont care if they get done or not. its not like someone is going to come in and help me with stuff. my son has gone out of town for work again. no idea how long he will be gone for.

i have put down my big quilt for now as its too hot to work on right now. will pick it back up when it cools off again.

i am starting to come out of the widow fog i call it. my brain is getting better at doing thing. yesterday i did a few errands and accually remembered to do them all.

my dr called yesterday with the results of my latest bloodwork. seems i am low in iron. so yet another script to deal with. i am not sure how many things i am on now, but its getting annoying. my iron is low because i am not eating. i am not eating because i am not hungry. i am not hungry because i am in a lot of pain. sometimes when i am in a lot of pain for long periods of time my stomach is usually upset as well. so i dont want to be throwing up at work either. i buy food , i just cant seem to eat it fast enough. some days i have to force myself to eat, because of the meds. yesterday when i was picking up my meds i picked up a few things because i start my 6 days and dont think i will have the energy to do anything at the end of the day.

i have some things to do before work today. i better get to it , so will post this for now and start a new entry tomorrow.

i have not been doing well. brent has been gone 5 months now. yesterday he would have been 65. i am not sure if he was excited about his birthday or not. i always made him a cake and fussed about a dinner for him. i know he loved that. this year nothing. i just felt incredibly sad.

i am working because i have to. still feel crappy and in pain. not much anyone can do for that. i had to buy a knee support. it is helping. and the pain in my knee has lessened alot. so i deem it a success for now.

my son came over on thursday to replace my kitchen tap. the new tap looks great! he had a hard time getting the old tap out and had to go home a couple of times to get more tools. but he got it done. next job is the toilet. not sure how happy he will be about that. i have tried all kinds of things to clear the pipe but no go. so now i think it might have to be snaked out.

my depression is bad right now. i have not been doing well. i dont do what i need to do around the house. i dont eat. i go to work but its all i can do. i am so sad its all i can do to make it from day to day. its all the creatures that keep me here. who would look after them. they all need me. they have brought me this far. i am so alone. i go days without talking to anyone besides my clients at work. this reminds me of when my ex would leave to go on military tour and i would be alone for months on end and not talk to anyone. i would not go out . i would not go any place but the grocery store. i know its not brents fault but i feel abandoned. does this get any better? i spend so many nights alone curled around pillows wishing it was brent.....

its my day off and i really have not done much. i had planned on doing the cages and aviary this morning. got chatting with my son for 2 hours. then while i was having breakfast he comes by for me to meet his new dog. he was here for about an hour. finally remembered to give him his mail , there was a big pile of mail too.so i managed to get the cat boxes done and one cage. everyone is fed and watered in the back room. i managed to brush the bunny some more. he was a little more relaxed about it. will try and do a little more tomorrow. poor thing is going to be almost bald by the time i am done. apollo the rabbit follows me around like a puppy . he allows me to pick him up but only on his terms, like cats. but i can catch him and carry him when i need to.

it was raining this morning too so never got my seeds planted. when it cools off later i might go out and do that, if i remember.

i got some dishes done and made some lunch. i also cut some more pieces for the quilt. it takes a long time to do the prep for the sewing, but right now all i have is time. no where to go and no one to see. my uniform is ready for tomorrow. so a quick shower before bed tonight and i am done.

i often wonder what my life will be like a year from now, a month from now or even a week from now. i cant see me planning anything even after the lock down. dont want to disappoint myself.

i still have laundry to bring upstairs and jars to bring downstairs. i just dont have the ambition to do it. not big jobs but just ones that need to be done. its like i still need to uncover the single bed . i am giving lauren the boxspring for her day bed. the rest of the bed i will put on the curb i guess. i have no use for it. it was brents before he met me. once we got together i dont think he used it again.

it was only 9 short years that we had together. i will always remember him as a good man. he was good to me and treated me with love. no one is perfect, i know he had faults. but he was perfect for me. i would like someone in my life again but i also know that want and need are two different things. if i ever meet another man he will have to work very hard to convince me to let him into my life.

i find this time of day the hardest. its early evening. when brent and i would sit outside and have a tea or coffee and chat about the day. or just sit and look at the trees and flowers. the dwarf iris are blooming and many dandilions in the back yard. should keep the bees going for a while. i am seeing the wild pansies all over the yard. there are forget me knots too. lupins are everywhere and some have a flower stock. soon they will bloom too. the cherry bushes have so many flowers this year. maybe i will get enough to make some jam. i cut all the chives and dried them. i am sad brent will not see this again i am sad he will not have the joy of growing something with his hands. he took great pride in making the yard and gardens look the best they could. i will do my best to make the yard look good, but it will never be as nice as brent......

day one of 6 day work week. not sure how i am feeling this morning other than i might have pushed myself too much yesterday trying to get things done. i moved alot of things and tried to make the house a little more presentable. its coming but like anything with me it will take time.

day 4 now. i was just too tired to write anything. i was too tired to even think. tonight i will be in bed early and hopfully get a better amount of sleep. today is also 4 months since brent died. it will be another hard day. i will keep it all to myself. i started a quilt right after brent died. its theme is hearts. all 5 in blocks. it will be dedicated to him when done. it has really helped me keep my mind off the fact he is gone forever.

i finished my grief themed card on the weekend. lots of likes on it but no trades. thats ok , i think i will be making them more for me than anyone else. i think now my creativity if finally coming back. slowly. but its coming back. when my friend ruth died suddenly , i lost my creativity then too. so i knew it would come back. just did not know when.

i have been brushing the bunny, he looks pretty sad with only half a brushing. when he stops running from me again i will try and brush him a bit more. i dont think he likes the feel of the brush much but it has to be done or he will be covered in matts.

my pain meds are kicking in. its the few minutes in the day when my pain is at its lowest. i revel in this time. it soon will be time for breakfast and to leave for work.

i have a pick up after work. something to add to my teacup collection.

it is the next day and i am tired as always. i never seem to be able to get my shit together. my mind is so foggy all the time. if i dont write stuff down i forget. so i carry a small book with me all the time at work. i keep notes and lists and reminders.

i did some work in the garden today. did some weeding for about an hour. planted some iris i saw on the side of the road no one wanted. no idea what colour it will be. i gave some to my neighbour for her garden too. i will try and remember to plant the sunflower seeds tomorrow.

day off today. tomorrow starts another 6 day run. so will try and get some small jobs done as well as some yard work.

i have to change the bed and do laundry. i am still working on the sunroom and moved the ironing board out there this morning. its a work station now so i can go out there and do ironing of blocks and fabric. i ordered some fabric online last night. being as the fabric stores are not going to open anytime soon. see how this goes. i ordered 200 blocks of 5 in precut fabric. save me time on that , and it will be cheaper too in the long run i think.

i am thinking the moving of things around is a good thing for now. its helping me move forward. i cant leave things as they are as a shrine to brents memory. i would never be able to get out of bed. speaking of bed i want to move that but its and all day job as its a water bed. so i dont think i will be doing that alone. wish my sons would offer to help me. maybe 2 days a month to help with odd jobs would be great.

its getting a bit easier to write. my mind is slowly coming to order. every day i am finding things a bit easier to cope with. i still have to remember if i want it done i have to do it.

i have noticed lately that my printing has become terrible. i can knit and sew but i cant seem to print worth a darn. my hands shake alot too not sure if that has alot to with it. i am glad bought the typewriter. i would like to try and use it today. will see how much energy i have later.

i have not lost any weight this week...but at least i have not gained any either. i am eating but not the best i could be. just dont want to cook for one. i have to eat to take my meds. its seems a waste for me to cook, i may not finish it. so its a waste of time and food and i hate waste.

my fear of being alone is always going to be there i think. its something i have to accept. no one wants an old lady. i am sure brent would say i am not old and i am still beautiful but life is what it is today and he is not here to kiss me and tell me his loves me.

i did grocery yesterday. didnt buy much...mostly stuff for the zoo. i didnt see anything i even wanted to eat. i have no desire to eat. i feel sick most of the time and yesterday i was dizzy all day. no idea what that was from. only thing i can think of its a fibro thing.

so many things need to be fixed here. i have no idea how to do it. i need a new tap in the kitchen. the toilet keeps running, which means i pay for the water. wish i knew someone who would help me with things like this. i cant get parts anyhow. everything is still closed.

the first flowers are dying off in the garden. brent would have loved seeing them. he loved my flower choices. i cant remember what is next to bloom but i love the colour. i did some weeding and whipper snipping. makes the yard look a little neater.i will have to deal with the side yard too. not sure what to do about porkys pen. the area of the yard was dug up and it could grow something but the light there is not the best. i need to buy some dirt too. to try and level out some of the ruts in the yard.

i finally got around to changing the tea cups today. didnt take long. its just every time i look at the cabinet i think of brent and how proud he was to find it for me. almost everything in this house reminds me of brent in some way.

i did some work in the sunroom today. i swept the floor and took some things to the shed. i think i will keep the tools in the house. with the current crime rate around here it might be a wise idea. i set up the wicker again and moved around a few other things. i think it will work. i started out there so i could move the ironing board out there with the fabric. now there is no space for the ironing board...oh well. i can always move something again...my life has been so upended this last 6 months. its like my whole life has moved sideways and its never going back....

my first mothers day without brent. even if the kids where not here at least brent was. i just feel sad and unloved, not worthy anymore. i know i am not the only one alone today for whatever reason. it is just hard and i feel forgotten.

so i spend this morning watching my show till 11 and cutting out little bits of fabric for the quilt. i will have lots to work to do on it when i am done. i got the next square set up for my take along box.

i need to get some housework done and of course clean the aviary. if it warms up i might try and do some more weeding. its a never ending job. i am paying for what i did yesterday. i tried to be careful and not overwork myself but it still hurts. i am the only one now to get stuff done.

so i have been moving things around in the house. i guess so it does not remind me so much of brent. will be hard to donate his things but what else am i going to do with them. i cant keep them forever just taking up space.

i have a huge headache today. i was hoping it would go away after i got up. no such luck.

i am also moving things around in the sunroom too. i have set up a work area and will set up the ironing board out there too. being as no one is allowed to come over it does not matter how i do things now.

it is just me and my zoo.

my first mothers day without brent. even if the kids where not here at least brent was. i just feel sad and unloved, not worthy anymore. i know i am not the only one alone today for whatever reason. it is just hard and i feel forgotten.

so i spend this morning watching my show till 11 and cutting out little bits of fabric for the quilt. i will have lots to work to do on it when i am done. i got the next square set up for my take along box.

i need to get some housework done and of course clean the aviary. if it warms up i might try and do some more weeding. its a never ending job. i am paying for what i did yesterday. i tried to be careful and not overwork myself but it still hurts. i am the only one now to get stuff done.

so i have been moving things around in the house. i guess so it does not remind me so much of brent. will be hard to donate his things but what else am i going to do with them. i cant keep them forever just taking up space.

i have a huge headache today. i was hoping it would go away after i got up. no such luck.

i am also moving things around in the sunroom too. i have set up a work area and will set up the ironing board out there too. being as no one is allowed to come over it does not matter how i do things now.

it is just me and my zoo.

end of the day and i am home. my legs hurt tonight. i am not sure if i should take any pain pills before bed. maybe see how i am doing in the morning. it still is hard to come home and know that brent is not just upstairs working. i miss hearing his voice. i miss him yelling down hi honey really loud. most of all i miss him holding me at night so i can sleep.

i dont sleep well. few hours now is all i get. i am up half the night wondering around. and this food thing is freaking me out. i am tired but cant sleep because i am alone, ok the cats are here and the doves and the rabbit but i am alone because i dont have anyone with me. not sure if i want someone else living here. i still miss brent too much. so much of this house reminds me of him. and shit i dont want to move again.

work was ok today and it was nice to just get through the day without any problems. i am in alot of pain right now. sometimes its hard for me to sit in my chair or lay in bed. some nights i just cant get comfortable no matter what i do. brent always made me feel safe and he would make fun of my nesting...lol . but he didnt mind he knew i needed to be comfortable as possible to sleep. now it does not matter as i cant sleep anyhow.

i got some work done on the quilt this morning. i should keep track of how many pieces i put on it every day. i want to finish this. i will send it out to be quilted. it will need to be washed when done so get all the pencil marks out. i never thought of tea dying it before i started but it still looks ok on white.

my friend brought over a sewing project she is hoping i can put together for her. its cut out and about half done. took me some time to figure out the pattern pieces and what goes where. but maybe get it done in an afternoon.

if the weather is ok tomorrow maybe bring some things to the shed. and try and get some weeding done. the gardens are looking terrible with the grass.

i was reading through some of the post in the grief support group. lots where saying how they cry alot. well...i have not cried for brent in a long time. i am not sure how this is supposed to work i have never grieved a husband before. i dont think i need to cry everyday all day. but it still baffles me on why i have not. maybe i am trying to stay in control for work and home and life in general. in weak moments i feel him near me. my heart skips a beat when i think of funny things or a memory of what was special to us. sometimes i wonder if he was ever really here. was he only in my imagination? i look around and see his things and know he was here, for a short time he changed my life. he made me feel worthy of love and i am grateful we met. that we both took a chance. i shall miss him always and wonder what could have been.....

my day off today. i slept in thank goodness. i feel somewhat rested. i have a list of things i want to get done today. but i also dont want to spend the whole day doing chores. i got a few things done yesterday. i am still not sure what to do with the sun room. do i try and finish it myself or just leave it. i need to decide something before i start moving things around again. once the stores open again maybe that will help me decide. i need to start a list of things i need i dont normally buy, like light bulbs.

i am still working on the quilt. trying to put on at least 2 pieces a day. and working with that aim i can start to see some progress now. once this side is done i will embroider the accents.

i did some work in the sunroom. moving the furniture around and sweeping . most of the big things near the door is for the shed. i have alot to bring to the basement as well. not sure which i should do first. probly the basement. it will take many trips to the basement to bring all the jars etc down.

i am going from one extreme to the other where food is concerned...i am either eating alot or not at all. most of the time i am not hungry i eat because of the meds i am on, or i am bored and lonely.

this quilt i am working on has become almost obsessive. all i want to do is work on it and nothing else. i can see the progress as the pieces go on but i dont understand this obsession. i go to bed thinking about the next pieces to go on. i get up thinking of what i can do next. i just dont get it.

i have had my shower and go to work later today as i work evenings today. i always have something to work on at break time just not sure what to take for lunch. wish my driverside window worked as i would go get take out. with the lockdown there are no walkins right now and the weather is supposed to be crappy later anyhow. i am never going to finish weeding out the gardens at this rate.

its mothers day weekend. i am not expecting anything so i wont be disappointed. not sure what i can do with myself other than work on my quilt. maybe i will treat myself to some sushi or something else fun. being as i cant shop at micheals right now. or maybe just stay home and hide.