katelovesorange

today it is overcast , cold and its snowing. a reflection of my mood...sad and cloudy. i am still in shock and feel terribly alone.

i posted on facebook that brent had died. i got lots of responses. i guess what i was looking for was someone to talk to but in this time of lockdown that is not going to happen.

i was putting some clothes away and was thinking i was glad i dressed up and looked nice for brent on sat. i showered early and did my hair. and made sure i wore something he might like. he always called me his pretty girl. i never really got used to it, i never thought of myself as pretty. i still loved to hear it.

i am waiting for the company to come by and pick up some equipment. its really hard picking up and putting things away that i was using to look after brent. like the tray i was using to bring him food and drinks and his meds. i put that away and thought i wont need this now.

i washed up some of his pajama pants and t shirts. now i dont know what to do with them. seems pointless to put them away. i started a donation bag. when the lockdown is over i will start to donate his clothes. i found a few shirts in the bathroom i bagged up. i started to clean out brents cupboard in the bathroom. got rid of some old stuff and expired stuff. about all i can handle for today.

got some small jobs done. fed the birds and cleaned the rabbit cage. i also started to give the rabbit a good brush before he decided that was enough and left. i changed the teacup display, and how appropriate that the cups are all blue. really suits my mood right now. i got rid of a few things around brents chair. his old tobacco can and jar. i will mop behind his chair when i fill the bucket again. i wiped down his table and washed his lamp. i need a new light bulb for it.

i need to get another card ready to send. she wants a blind trade. i managed to take a picture of a new card i did a couple of weeks ago. i figured out how to take it and send it. so one point for me. i am not sure if i will ever figure out the web cams, i am sure brent wants me too right now. one thing at a time honey.

his brother andy phoned me today, just to check in and get more information on what i am going to do with his ashes. i am not sure yet either. i dont think there will be much in the way of ashes. brent lost alot of weight before he died.

brents friend blake messaged me today to check in. i will ask him if he wants some of brents AA books. not like i need them.

i dont think i can ever go through this again. there fore i will live alone from now on, well with the cats and birds and rabbit. non of which will out live me but right now it gives me a reason to get up in the morning.i have to look after all of them. i have a bag of feed in the car. they are 50lbs each. i am thinking i cant carry that to the door. so i cut the bag open and i am filling coffee cans and bringing it in that way. sooner or later the bag will be light enough for me to carry in.

its supper time now. the hardest time of the day. i wonder around not really doing anything. its almost dark and all i want to do is go to bed and hide there until tomorrow and hope this is only a nightmare.....

wow where to start. it is going to take me a very long time to get all this out as i keep crying and need to clean my glasses. i will start with friday. we had to make the hard choice of sending brent to the hospital. it was hard on both of us. this was triggered by the fact that brent said he could not get out of bed. he said he had no strength to get up. i said i cant help you anymore if you cant move around. we talked about it for awhile , both of us sobbing because we knew when he left he would not be coming back. i called the ambulance and got his things ready. put all of that into a backpack and the one thing i forgot was his hat. i felt so shitty about that but my only defence was i was crying so hard i could hardly see. so he was taken to the hospital about 11am. i waited for hours for news on what was going to happen. i was not allowed in emerg because of covid. i wondered about the house waiting for phone calls.

i finally got a call saying he was going to be admitted to ccu. he was taken upstairs later in the evening. i wanted to come and see him but was told visiting hours where over. i just about died inside. i knew he needed me. i had to wait until the next morning to see him. i also had to go for a covid test on sat as well. so i explained that to brent before i left the house. i am not sure how well he understood at this point as he was on alot of pain meds. but i could tell he was very relieved to see me. i stayed with him all day. even though he slept most of the time i believe he was comforted by the fact he knew i was there. i held his hand and washed his face and fed him soup. i watched him fade a little bit at a time. the dr came in and explained to us that because of the blood problems and bruising he would not live long. i was expecting at least a week. we only had that day. i am glad we talked and spoke the loving things we always did. i am glad he knew how much i loved him. i am glad i took care of him and was able to do as much as i could. i will always miss him. there is an empty chair in the living room i am not sure i could ever sit in. i washed his blanket and put it back on his chair nicely so its ready for him. but now it will remain empty. the nurses came in and told me i could come in at any time now and be with him. i was not limited to visiting hours.

the next morning when i came back on sunday he was unresponsive. so i was now truly alone. i sat with him until he died. i held his hand and kissed his head. i wished him farewell and gave him permission to die. i silently cried and cried and waited held his hand and wondered how my life would go from here.

he died at 330pm on sunday. i was stunned on how quietly he went. i am sure he was there some place trying to tell me it will be ok somehow. he just stopped breathing. and then it was over. his suffering was over and his pain was over. my life with him was over. and i move on alone.

i stayed for a bit with him. i gathered up his things. i tidied the room abit and then let the nurse know i was leaving. she kept asking me if i had anyone to talk to. i said no , no family here. no friends, and no one to call here. i left and didnt look back, he was gone and no point in looking back.

i came home and shoveled a bit as it snowed. then i went in and made a call to his mother. i asked her to call his brothers. it didnt take long for them tall me. i have no idea why they called. they never called before now. anyway i also posted on facebook that he died. alot of offers for help if i need it. what i will need is help in the spring with yard work. mowing the lawn and the garden. wonder who will be there to help me then. i still have to work and look after the birds and cats and rabbit. the rabbit is hiding behind brents chair right now.....maybe he misses him too. the house is too big and too quiet without brent. his voice filled the rooms and his love for me filled my heart.

its thurs and my day off...kinda. always lots of work to do around here. when i was laying in bed last night i was thinking once brent is gone this room is going to be deafingly quiet. too quiet. i have a hard time sleeping alone. always have. maybe the cats will keep me company but still not the same.

i have to get the aviary cleaned today. i have someone coming by to get the quail. they are old now and not laying anymore. so its time to go. they will be sold to feed hawks. i am ok with that. i am finding it hard to let go of doves to do the same thing. i will have to i know...but its still hard.

i have not counted how many times i go up and down the stairs every day now. it gets hard some days but i wont say a word of it in front of brent. its hard for him to be sick. a guy who loved sports is brought down by cancer and copd. he also smoked. so i am not going to say i told you so about smoking. so i accept what needs to be done and move on every day.

we have not heard from the dr about test results or possible treatments. we got some equipment for brent. a shower chair and raised toilet seat. a hospital table for him to lean on to help him breathe. a hospital bed will be coming next week so i have to finish clearing out the extra stuff in the bed room and then tear down the waterbed. i will MISS that bed so much. i will be sleeping on a single bed for awhile. he wants me to be in the same room as him.

i hear him moving around upstairs....i better go check on him...back in a bit.

so back now for a bit. brought him his meds and changed his clothes. now we are waiting for someone from the CCAC to come by and check on brent{she is an hour late} and equipment and stuff. tomorrow he has his first PSW visit and its not me. so i have to go to work tomorrow and worry about him being alone. i will be back to check on him at dinner.

i am not sure how long i can go on running at full speed. i go and go and go....i cant stop because there is always one more thing to do.

back now again...he is in bed. i am heading there soon. i didnt get as much done as i wanted with having to pay so much attention to brent. alot of the work i have to do will have to now be done on sat and sun.i have to get more things out of the bed room. the table and chairs will be out last. the room will be turned upside down by next week. i have to then get the single bed out of the back room and put that together. after i tear down the waterbed and move the hospital bed into position. i dont think i will have much of a problem with the waterbed other than the box spring.

the time i had for art today was short and the cards i did make sucked. so will either toss them or keep them...not sure. i have 2 ready to mail.

i am going to close here for now...i am tired

we had our first visit today with the helper nurse. from what brent said to the nurse i think he has just given up. i dont think he wants to go for any treatment. the nurse was talking hospice. brent keeps saying how he does not want to be a burden to me. i keep saying to him that he is not a burden. sigh...the house is so quiet even with the birds and cats and rabbit. its so quiet sitting in my chair and brents chair is always empty now. he is not here to look over and say i love you during the day. i never thought i would be alone again so soon in my life. i thought he would be there to help me through this fibro. i have to find new ways of doing things. and i have to work up the nerve to ask for help. that is the hardest thing for me. brent also told the nurse that he has fallen. i am so upset to hear that thinking i should be here for him. thing is i was here....i was sleeping and didnt hear him. now i feel like shit big time. i am so tired that i dont hear him.

time for chores before i go back to work and i have to check on brent before i leave.

its tuesday. i have no idea what happened to monday. its a blurr. i was up at 3am yesterday making brent food as he was hungry. i finally crashed last night and slept for a few hours before i was awake again with him asking for pain meds. the problem is he has his nights and days turned around. he is up most of the night and sleeps off and on during the day.

i have OT coming today to see what equipment might help him. i still have banking to do and need a bag of feed. it will be a very fast errand run after work. i am not sure if i will get hauled into the office as i blasted somone at work over the phone for not listening to what us PSW's need. and its not split shifts. after not having enough sleep for 3 days i lost it. i had asked my supervisor for a change to this and she asked me what to do. and its like you want me to do YOUR job i better get YOUR pay then. then trying to explain what a client was complaining about was almost impossible when they dont LISTEN to what you are saying. they are like 12 yrs old and only hear half of what you are saying. some days i just want to say fuck it and walk away i am so pissed.

time to get ready for this job....will post now

i am home to check on brent. after doing a few errands and making him a snack i am having a cup of tea.

i got brent a new pillow to help ease some of his discomfort in sitting up. he seems to like the meal replacements so i got a few more of those. its really hard to find something he will and or can eat right now. i know he is just as frustrated as i am trying to figure out what he wants. i suggest things and he is not sure. so i make it anyway and hope he will like it.

i have to go back to work tonight so this wont be a long break as i have a few things that need to get done. everything hurts right now so i am not moving too fast. most of my pain is in my hips right now. will take more pain meds but not the ones i need. asprin and tylenol dont help me like t3 does. i am only allowed 2 of those a day and its no where near enough. i know that the pain will never be totally gone with t3 but it knocks it down enough that i can sort of function for part of the day. its getting harder and harder to keep up but i am doing my best for brent.

brent has another test on monday. i had to cancel 2 clients so we could be there on time. we where told the test will take about an hour so i will be spending more time at the hospital. it was a last minute cancelation . he was lucky to get in so fast. his breathing is not much better but at least its not any worse.

i got a few cards out yesterday a bit later than i wanted but at least they are in the mail. i need more stamps now so will have to pick them up tomorrow. the mail wont move till monday anyway.

sunday...i crashed last night. i didnt have the energy to do much of anything except sleep. i have lots to do later. i have to go to work for 2 f....cking hours and then back tonight for 1 hour. what a pain in the ass. i hate this. i would quit if i could.

i was putting some of my trading cards away that where sent to me and i noticed i need some more of the pages. i though the pages where double sided. they are not. pockets only on one side. so when the lockdown is lifted i will try and get some more pages. i have alot more cards than i thought. i love having them out where i can see them to admire all the work.

i hurt all over this morning. i was up at 4am to pee. i can barely move and i have a very full day ahead of me.

i also need to figure out how to take pictures with the cell phone as i have a few new cards i would like to post. everyone is so smart at this and i feel so stupid. brent was my picture taker for this new hobby. but he cant do much of anything anymore.

i have to learn to do alot of things on my own again. seems thats all i do is learn to be alone.

i am going to post this before i forget....

i have been trying to start this entry for days. but with all the appts and work and looking after brent. i have not had much time for anything else. yesterday was his MRI. we wont know the results for at least a week. we also talked to his cancer dr in a telephone call for about a half hour. we will be talking to him again next week. he has several options for treatment. i dont know which he will choose. he keeps saying just let me die. i say well ok but it will be a long slow painful one. i dont think he believes me. he still needs to get blood work done . he cant get into the lab with out a wheel chair now and we dont have one yet. i think he may also need a walker.

me on the other hand , well i am kind of coping. good days and bad days mentally. phyisically not so good as i am running up and down stairs all day. i hit the ground running from the time i get up until the time i go to bed. no time for a short nap or rest and recovery. so i am in alot more pain all the time. so i am taking more pain meds. and of course i still have to go to work. no choice.

i still have all the chores to do and to make sure i can get as much done as i can during the day. but there are times when i just cant do anything because of the pain and fatigue. so i have to stop and just go to bed. last night i went to bed at 730. i think brent was hoping for a conversation, but i fell asleep instead. i was that tired. i warned him though i was having a hard time staying awake. today will be very long as i am working until 9.

back for a bit....i wanted to check on brent and make him some dinner but he refused anything new. was still working on what i made for him at lunch time.

i worry so much when i am not home. i have a long evening ahead and will be even more tired when i get home. i am going to try and get home asap.

i have to feed the birds and check on brent again before i go back out. will post so i dont forget....

i had to get another covid test done today. i now have to have them done every week because of where i work. so got that done then it was onto the post office to try and mail out ornaments overseas. i now have to do my own customs . its like WTF other than charge a crap load of money to mail anything why cant you do my label. so now i have to wait until i can get to the post office again.

brent took himself to the emerg last night. i met him there. we where there 3 hours and i could not see him until they said he could go. so i sat there and waited wondering what was going on. i asked the nurse if she could let brent know i was there. she said sure she would...never did. had i known that i would have torn a strip off her and then some. we didnt get home until almost midnight. i was lucky i woke up in time for my test today, back at the hospital. today has been spent getting brent to relax and eat something. i made him some soup . he says he is finding it hard to eat. so its still light foods for now. i am not really eating much of anything except something quick and easy. i worry about when i have to go back to work on monday . how will he cope then. he says i am having a hard time. its like shit you just noticed that i do all this work or what. and that was before you got sick.

i still have to feed the birds and probly make brent more food.

sunday night. its been a very long day. been on the go since i got up. up and down the stairs all day. bring coffee, bring this can you do that. is it too late to make stew. sigh. everything hurts now.

i am still trying to not yell at him. he is being picky about everything. now he wants me to move stuff out of the bedroom. stuff being my sock yarn. i dont know where to move it to. as soon as i have things sorted where i can find stuff, he moves it around so i cant find anything. so i will move the yarn. i have to work tomorrow so i hope i can get some sleep tonight. i got my uniforms ready for the week. i have no idea what do to make him happy anymore. i cook and clean and bring this or that. i just dont know. brent was not like this before he got sick. i think he is just frustrated because he cant do much right now.

i wish i had someone to talk to about this. its so hard to know what to do.

while the stew was cooking i got a few cards made. it was nice just to take a bit of time for me. my back is killing me from sitting at the table but what can you do. i took some pain meds and hope they kick in soon.

i am worried about going to work tomorrow and leaving him alone. maybe that is why he is so grumpy. i have to make sure he has all he needs before i go and then worry when i am gone. no wonder i am stressed.

well time for a shower and get ready for bed...another long day tomorrow.

so now the waiting has begun...for test results and healing. the dr says maybe a week for results. and for brent to heal from his biopsy, longer if he does not stay in bed. he slept most of yesterday when we got home. so i have a feeling he was up most of the night. i crashed when i finally got to bed. i slept a good 8 hours i was so tired. i managed to sleep in a bit this morning.

i have lots to do today. i have to go to the bank as its end of the month. i need to pick up meds. and a few things at the grocery store. he has been eating alot of eggs so i need more of those, and cat food etc.

i have been trying to keep sane by doing some art when i can. i have made a few new cards and hope to have some pictures of them done soon. thats the hard part for me. i am not good at pictures so i get brent to do it. maybe i will give him something to do later , take the pictures for me.

much later....i got the banking done and went to get my meds. i almost didnt come home right away...i just wanted some peace and quiet, alone time without someone wanting something. i made him lunch and dinner. he never knows what he wants so from now on i will just make him something and he can eat it or not. i am tired of cooking all night. i am just plain tired.

he keeps saying how sorry he is for being such a pain in the ass, but why dont you try not being such a pain instead. just say yes i will eat what ever you bring me. yes i will take a cup of tea, yes i will take what ever and stop complaining ffs. i certainly never got waited on hand and foot when i was blind. i had to fed for myself wheather i liked it or not. i had to learn how.

i hurt all over and i can only hope i get a good sleep tonight because i have to be back to work tomorrow. and thats going to be a long day. i will have to make sure he has food before i go and remember to call home when i can. i am trying really really hard to not get angry at this man child but its best if i just walk away sometimes.

yesterday was my oldest sons birthday. he turned 36. i sent him a message on FB and wished him a happy birthday. i hope he had a good day. i sure miss talking to my kids and grandkids. i wonder how they are everyday. i wonder if i will hear from them on my birthday.

why is it men just never understand that we get tired too. we get frustrated looking after them all the dam time. trying to make them happy and what ever i do is not right. i can see why women never want to marry again...ever.

i am going to close here tonight as i am tired...and need my pain meds.

i kept trying to start an entry yesterday but was crazy busy. i am paying for it today. between work and home and brent i am sore all over.

it snowed again yesterday so i shoveled to make sure the sidewalk was clear for him to go to the hospital this morning. i thought i did a pretty good job considering how weak i am at times. well brent gave me shit for shoveling. i says it had to be done for my safety on the stairs and the walkway. he wanted to arrange for someone to do it. well until that happens i will do what i can. i also shoveled the driveway the best i could. the neighbour from accross the way came over to help with his snow blower. i was so grateful i started to cry. i am so glad he didnt see that. but i did have a good cry when i came in.

we are back from the hospital now. i made brent some lunch and now he is napping in his chair. the dr said he would phone later with what he saw on the scope.

today is also my sons 36th birthday. i sent him a happy birthday message. this time last year i was trying to save the sight in my right eye. i hope he has a good day. i miss my kids and grand kids so much. i hope they had a better christmas than we did.

the dr just called and gave us a brief outline of things to come. we wait for test results and that could take a week. he will go for cancer treatment 1.5 hours away. so until we know more from the biopsy tomorrow and test results will determine what will happen next. we will also find out how far the cancer has spread.

so then i thought i would spend a half hour doing some finishing on some cards....brent sends an email saying he wants a monti cristo sandwich for dinner...and i am thinking wtf. like i want to be cooking all dam night. he has to be back at the hospital for 7 and i need some sleep. sigh. he got his sandwich. and i still have birds to feed.

i am going to post this for now...as i am too tired to type any more.

sat and what else is there to say. i have been to work and to the store to get more broth and juice. i came home and got yelled at for shoveling to get up to the house. seems someone is coming by to snowblow. i am not going to hold my breath. people say one thing and do another. we shall see.

i am having a tea before i do anything else. everything hurts right now. will take some pain meds later. had to clean up cat barf, so will have to wash the floor again, and brent wonders why i keep the bucket full. seems i am always washing the floor. i have to feed and water the birds before i go back to work. i was hoping to spend a bit of time doing some art. but i doubt it now. i am running up and down the stairs getting things for brent. i just wish i knew what was going to happen in the long run of things. right now i wish i had a bottomless bucket of money so i could stay home and look after him and my good energy could be used for him. i am so tired of giving to people who cant understand how much this job costs people like me.

i have to go back to work tonight, so its going to be a very long day. i work the same tomorrow.

sunday morning...stupid o clock. another long day ahead. brent got one of his friends to come and snow blow yesterday. it was a BIG help so i didnt spend hours shoveling. the couple spent a couple of hours here yesterday. she kept me company and did some knitting. it was nice to have someone to sit and chat with. i worked on some ATC.

brent is awake but sitting up in bed. i am barely awake trying to type.

later now. being as i am doing a split shift today its almost time for me to go back. i have been trying to keep brent with fluids today. he is finding it hard. he keeps saying he is hungry. he is sleeping alot which helps to make the day pass.

i have been trying to do some chores but i am so tired that i feel like a zoombie. its going to be worse tomorrow. i will have to be careful walking as i get wobbly when i am really tired.

i am not hungry because of the pain and being so tired. i have a cup of tea right now and i will post this before leaving for work.

i managed to spend a bit of time doing some art. got some gluing and painting done. so i will have some cards ready for the week. i had posted one card a couple of days ago. someone was interested in trading but didnt message me with her available cards. so i guess she changed her mind. i want to mail out the ornaments to the person so sent me such a beautiful card. i showed it to brent and he was impressed with it too.

its almost dark now. i dont want to go back out but no choice right now. no idea if i will ever get the meeting with my supervisor to fix these hours. some days i wonder if they hate me so much they are trying to make me quit.

i am going to post this before i forget....see you soon