i was surfing facebook when i got a notice that i have memories to look at. so i click over to the page and found some fun things to look back at, as well as a video of brent and i and a friend. the friend was making flower balloons for me for valentines day. it was 5 years ago now. how time flies by so fast with out you noticing. sure it was 5 years ago but it seems like yesterday, his voice i hear in my mind all the time when i ask him a question. so much can change in 5 years or even a year, a month, a week , or a day or even an hour. i dont know where my life is going to go now, but what ever happens i walk the path alone.

no one can walk this path of grief with me. i have to move through it in my own way for ever how long it takes me. it gets lonely sometimes. unless you have a spouse that has died , you dont really understand how things are. i try so hard to pretend to be ok most days, but inside i am crying or screaming or just plain sad.

today i have to try and get some things done off my list. it is my day off and i should get something done instead of wasting the day. its too cold to go out, and i dont want to get dressed anyhow. rather just lay in bed and pretend i am not in this nightmare. pretend brent is downstairs making breakfast or lunch or dinner. then he yells up and tells me to come down and eat. he has set the table and made something that smells so wonderful i cant wait to taste it, and i wonder how i am so lucky to end up with a man who loves me so much. then i wake up and my dream is all a lie, again.

the sun is out today , bright clear and cold is the day. on days like this i miss snuggling in bed with brent and watching a movie. i fell asleep alot but he didnt care. we where together.

i started to bring up the bins to put the xmas stuff away. its time. as much as i like it, it will look weird in july...

i am working tomorrow, valentines day. its ok it will help pass the day. the evening will be hard. i always seem to be searching for him around every corner. i still have one of his pipes in the car. i sniff it now and then. still smell the tobacco. will this ache ever go away. i pour myself into work so i dont have to feel anything at home. its still too painful. i can understand why people move. its really hard still being here some days.

i just refilled the pill box for the week. i found a box i can live with. if i could just focus on my quilt block i would be able to finish that today too. i cant seem to focus at all today. i am all over. i made my xmas cakes. i want to make some scones as well. almost time to make something for dinner. some days i really miss cooking for brent and how much he would enjoy it....miss you honey