it is evening now and i am still alone save for the cats of course and rabbit and the birds. most times i dont feel lonely, just alone, wishing brent was in his chair staring at me like he always did. i have no idea why he would do that. sometimes i wonder when he found out he was sick. how long did he know before he had the dr. tell me because he couldnt break my heart. seems i am looking back at our life alot these days. memories are all i have , and i am not making new ones with anyone. my second son is still in the wind and i have not seen the girls in over 2 years at this point. do they think of me ? do they miss me and want to see me? i guess i will never know.

i had a dr appt today. bloodwork was good and i go back in june for another checkin. she is retiring in the fall and said she will make sure i have a dr. i sure need one that is for sure. time will tell how things go. but for now i am doing ok considering the pain i am in. the pain is always there. it lessons or it grows so intense that i cant stand it. always in my hip joints so i can hardly walk. i try and rest when i can but it means not much gets done here and i am very embarassed when someone comes over. i am making more of an effort on some things, but with a free range rabbit the floors always need to be

i have decided when its time to start putting my quilt together i will get the ladies at the retirement home to help me. i am not sure i will like the layout when done but at least they will see all the squares and see what it might look like put together. few of the ladies seem very interested in that.

the quilt is helping with my grief as i am looking forward and remembering the good in my life with brent is good. most of all its helping to pass the time while alone. i also spend time between clients working on it as well. it really helps to pass the time then. the choosing of colours and stitching keeps my brain busy.

even though i am on a dating site i am no putting much of an effort to find anyone. the few messages i do get are very disappointing to say the least. between the scammers and the sex freaks and the ones who are very demanding i am not very optimistic on meeting anyone. am i really destined to live the rest of my life alone. am i too set in my ways to allow anyone new in my life? i dont know. what i know for sure is i dont want someone coming in my house and telling me what to do.

i dont know what my life will be from now on, but what i do know is that all of it will be my choice......