today is a day i will always remember in a special way. i made brent his final dinner. roast chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes , gravey etc. this was his last full meal he ever ate. some how back then i knew this was our last xmas together such as it was. i did my best to make it special for him. he loved his food, and i was so lucky he loved my cooking. i am truly grateful for having him in my life. he taught me so much in the brief time we where together. the best thing he ever taught me was that i deserve the best of life has to offer and not to settle.

i think of that meal often. i remember the look on his face when he ate his chicken. he looked so happy and thrilled to have something other than hospital food. i have not done much cooking in the last year , it reminds me too much of brent. i look in the freezer at all the food that was supposed to feed brent and wonder what to do now. the only thing i make every day is my hot cereal in the morning. it keeps me going most of the day and i had protein to it as well.

these past couple of weeks i have been working on an ornament. fabric birds, hand sewn by me. i found the pattern online and have changed a few things but i really like how they have turned out. i made a few for my son and his family. i hope they like them. i go see him on sunday for a brunch type of visit. being as i am working this weekend , split shift on sat and sun so it will be a quick visit. even though it will be quick still will be great to see them all .

i made some xmas cake last weekend. it turned out great! but then again i love xmas cake. i wont be doing anymore baking for now. i did so much cooking and baking for brent. he ate alot too. making anything now seems a waste, i dont eat very much right now..

one of my orchids is going to bloom. the flower spike has a few flower buds. in another month or so there will be flowers. i cant wait. such a small bit of colour in the white expanse of winter.

i have started to write my penpals again. its been hard as i just dont know what to say or how to explain my grief. the fog is starting to lift but in small amounts. i still cant seem to create anything on paper, but its a start.

i got a message from the office the other day saying how pleased the retirement home is with me working there and how helpful i am to the residents. for me it was something i really needed to hear as the last few days have been hard. but its good to know i am where i need to be. makes me feel good about my job choice as well. some days are harder than others but i do my best to make the client happy and make sure they are ok. it might be just as well i am working so i can keep my brain busy and off the fact that i am alone....

i start 6 days today, it will be hard as the holidays this year will be for me. i just smile and carry on and pretend i am ok. i am so lost and lonely without brent. i miss him so much. i still have so many of his things here. i wish i knew what he was thinking when he died.

i still have to do my self covid test before work. no test no work...fair enough. so i am going to go do that and finish getting things ready.