wow where to start. it is going to take me a very long time to get all this out as i keep crying and need to clean my glasses. i will start with friday. we had to make the hard choice of sending brent to the hospital. it was hard on both of us. this was triggered by the fact that brent said he could not get out of bed. he said he had no strength to get up. i said i cant help you anymore if you cant move around. we talked about it for awhile , both of us sobbing because we knew when he left he would not be coming back. i called the ambulance and got his things ready. put all of that into a backpack and the one thing i forgot was his hat. i felt so shitty about that but my only defence was i was crying so hard i could hardly see. so he was taken to the hospital about 11am. i waited for hours for news on what was going to happen. i was not allowed in emerg because of covid. i wondered about the house waiting for phone calls.
i finally got a call saying he was going to be admitted to ccu. he was taken upstairs later in the evening. i wanted to come and see him but was told visiting hours where over. i just about died inside. i knew he needed me. i had to wait until the next morning to see him. i also had to go for a covid test on sat as well. so i explained that to brent before i left the house. i am not sure how well he understood at this point as he was on alot of pain meds. but i could tell he was very relieved to see me. i stayed with him all day. even though he slept most of the time i believe he was comforted by the fact he knew i was there. i held his hand and washed his face and fed him soup. i watched him fade a little bit at a time. the dr came in and explained to us that because of the blood problems and bruising he would not live long. i was expecting at least a week. we only had that day. i am glad we talked and spoke the loving things we always did. i am glad he knew how much i loved him. i am glad i took care of him and was able to do as much as i could. i will always miss him. there is an empty chair in the living room i am not sure i could ever sit in. i washed his blanket and put it back on his chair nicely so its ready for him. but now it will remain empty. the nurses came in and told me i could come in at any time now and be with him. i was not limited to visiting hours.
the next morning when i came back on sunday he was unresponsive. so i was now truly alone. i sat with him until he died. i held his hand and kissed his head. i wished him farewell and gave him permission to die. i silently cried and cried and waited held his hand and wondered how my life would go from here.
he died at 330pm on sunday. i was stunned on how quietly he went. i am sure he was there some place trying to tell me it will be ok somehow. he just stopped breathing. and then it was over. his suffering was over and his pain was over. my life with him was over. and i move on alone.
i stayed for a bit with him. i gathered up his things. i tidied the room abit and then let the nurse know i was leaving. she kept asking me if i had anyone to talk to. i said no , no family here. no friends, and no one to call here. i left and didnt look back, he was gone and no point in looking back.
i came home and shoveled a bit as it snowed. then i went in and made a call to his mother. i asked her to call his brothers. it didnt take long for them tall me. i have no idea why they called. they never called before now. anyway i also posted on facebook that he died. alot of offers for help if i need it. what i will need is help in the spring with yard work. mowing the lawn and the garden. wonder who will be there to help me then. i still have to work and look after the birds and cats and rabbit. the rabbit is hiding behind brents chair right now.....maybe he misses him too. the house is too big and too quiet without brent. his voice filled the rooms and his love for me filled my heart.