khalnayak

Finding Closure

I was suggested by one of my help apps to write down what I want my loved one to know before everything is ended.

It is very had to find closure when nothing started in the first place. It hurts when you think all along that the other person will reciprocate one day but All you hear from them is I felt nothing. Maybe they are under pressure, Maybe they are under false pretense or maybe the are not able to trust again.

It is an honorable thing to love and let go than to not love at all. I believe that the truth and genuine feeling that I had for you will be everlasting and will always be cherished.

Am I hurt? Yes, I can never imagine getting hurt from you. I always considered you to be understanding and feel that I would fight worlds just to be with you. But as we say all things comes to an end , this has come to its turn too.

I hope I can trust someone else like I trusted you. I Hope you are okay, I hope you are happy with whomever you will be. I hope someone loves you more than I could possibly do. You deserve all the happiness in the world but while typing this I realize that I do to. I wish you were with me, I wish you Love me like I love you.

But I believe I have tried my best to make you realize it. I am sorry for disturbing your peace of mind. I still believe you feel for me.

I wish you find the unconditional love that I had for you and never be betrayed again by anyone.

Calculative Enigma

Who am I? Timely Decisions have always been a very integral part of my lifestyle. I have observed discipline in doing every task in my life by ensuring I devote enough time and resource by planning it beforehand. Once I take a decision it is very rare that I break my word. Vouching for this is very easy because I study, work, freelance, Trade, and at the same time give time to everyone in my life. But then Lockdown hit. Now I need to do all these things sitting at home. It’s true every stakeholders in my life have become depressed. Everyone feels they must keep peace, they keep on filling their pot with patience not realizing that the pot they are using is already broken and leaking. My friends and family members have been very kind but also selfish. I love it when I put forth the question of why people act in a selfish way for which they reply it is important to ensure their peace of mind before others.

What did I do? I have been in 2 relationships so far and most of it was a long-distance relationship. Now I am not against long distance , but finding a partner who is willing to be there when you need them is tough. You search for vibe, the Zing, wherever you can and its is very tough to distinguish it with infatuations. But when you find this Zing you hold on to it. People say problems are very common in a relationship. Working together to resolve conflicts are essential for relationship to grow. Love is something which even machines can’t comprehend, you can love a person unconditionally, but still have millions of problems and fights with them. We expect a relationship to be perfect, without any fights, but then who is willing to date a machine for that? Lately I have connected to someone at a very deep level. Every morning I wait for the time when I could talk to that person without any hesitation. And in no time, I started developing feelings for her. Me being a very effective decision maker took into account all the variables just to be sure that it was not just a mere attraction. And I was right. I have fallen for her. I found the Vibe, the Zing. It might be a mistake or the best decision of my life, but I told her about my feelings right after I broke up with my Ex. I know It sounds weird, who would take such a decision in haste, but I didn’t want to loose her, I didn’t want to regret that I wasted time to tell her, and because of which she might be with someone else. Too much of Bollywood in my head you see. But she appreciated that and said that lets get to know each other first. I was amazed at how someone can be so awesome. I knew it right then I made the right decision. A week later I spoke to my ex. I have lied a lot in my life, but I refrain from lying when feelings are involved. So I told her my mental state due to lockdown, how I needed someone to talk to and also I connected with someone. But then While telling all this I realized I have rushed and now I need a person to talk about this too. So I opened up to my new girl about my feelings. I told her I miss my ex. The worst line that got me doomed. My new girl had feelings for me . Now who would want to hear such a statement from someone who wished to be with her. She, being patient said “I understand, its not been long you broke up, you can go back to her, she will understand.” Now this is where I hate long distance, I wanted to shook her and tell her” Bro, I was just sharing, I don’t wanna go back, I wanna be with you” , but I was soo angry on her for suggesting to go back that I said, “ OK THANKS You are right” I didn’t speak to her the whole day thinking she will realise I am angry on her, but when I got a call from her late night I was happy. She might have realized what I feel now. I picked up the call even when My dad was standing right beside me. I hear a crying sound from the other side “ Does the previous few days mean nothing to you?” , I knew at that very moment that she did feel for me, she cares, she is mine. I replied “ You mean everything”. I couldn't emphasize on this as my parent was right behind. But I decided then and there that next day being her birthday I am gonna confess my love for her. I finished my shift at 4am in the morning and then slept for 3 hrs, and then rode to her in the morning, even though we had planned to meet in the evening. We met, we cleared, I confessed. But I was late. That is the reason I never wait for someone to cool down, I clear out at the earliest. In a nights time and a past of bein cheated on, she started having doubts on me. And this is where everything began to fall apart. I have heard people telling me a glass once shattered cannot be undone, A thread broken can only be undone with a knot. But she is no glass or thread, she is my Zing. Keeping this in mind I stared my days of apologies, overthinking, and what not. I kept asking her do you love me which couldn’t be answered , It is not a simple YES or NO game, it involves a lot of variables to be considered and I infact gave her a lot of additional variables. I pressured her. It came to a place were she had to start ignoring me. I had been at a very bad place, She was the one who helped me to get out of it, Every conversation with her made me cherish the fact that I found the one. Now that when the question of letting go arises, I really cant. I don’t want to loose her, I don’t want her to feel unhappy, I wish she gives me another chance not to prove a point but so that she experiences the real me. The one she admired. I don’t know if I can Love someone as I love her, I will always be there for her maybe as a friend as a best friend or as a boyfriend, but I will never let her feel alone. Rephrasing a Quote” I don't want another. She maybe the only woman for me. She was the love of my life. But with love comes loss, son. It's part of the deal. Sometimes it hurts, but in the end, it's all worth it. There's no greater gift than love.” I hope you liked the gift I gave you on your birthday, It is yours forever.