CONTENT WARNING: BDSM, mentions of CNC (rape play), mentions of abuse play, mentions of masochism #malkinkosh
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about kink, specifically BDSM, specifically D/s. It fascinates me from a psychological perspective, and from a personal perspective; as play, as sex, as power dynamics, as relationships... In every possible way. I won't write very much about it right now because – oh god, it's 5:22 am, why am I even awake – But I will probably write a few more things about it some other time. Here's what I have to say for now:
It's really amazing the kind of transformation I can undergo between my day-to-day self and my submissive self. I am generally an anxious, socially defensive introvert who overcompensates by displaying confidence and control. But none of that shows, to the innocent observer. If I hadn't told you, you wouldn't know. My aloof self-confidence and uncaring persona is just that – a character I have subconsciously created; my Public Self. It's what I want people to think I am.
The truth shines through, though, in the bedroom*. You might get to see it if you're the lucky dom I trust enough tonight. Because, when I feel allowed and comfortable enough to play this game, I can finally let the mask fall off. I can finally be weak. It feels natural, it feels real, it feels true. The question of what is my true nature, really, is one for another day. But as far as what I feel in the moment, that is who I am. Of course it comes along with all the fucked up thoughts about myself that frustrate me all day, but now I can accept it all, no matter how true or false. It's okay to be weak, stupid, and ugly. It's okay to deserve pain, emotional and physical. It's okay to deserve to be abused. To be raped. It's okay to want all of it. And I'm allowed to accept these thoughts alongside the knowledge that most of it isn't true. The friction between my irrational self hatred and my rational principles and morality is, ahem, lubricated. And I don't need to worry about it at all. At least, not for a little while.