New life, love, sex and friendships passed 40

A memory in the rain drops

Freedom On the road Pounding rain In the dark You are my fire Keeping me going Your voice soothes me Your eyes light me up Your cuddle gives me safety and love

Little hunk exasperates me with junk sex

Ok so I start chatting with a cheery young man mountain climber and chocolate eater. Seems cool. I say he's got life sorted – the great outdoors and chocolate all at once. Somehow, that generation alway end up trying to have online sex. Why? Fuck it's weird. I haven't met this guy but he wants to talk dirty. Ok, fine, understand. But sadly, I did actually want to meet him but now he hasn't even met me and he wants to visit my back entrance as it were!

I'm so pleased that my generation didn't have access to online porn in their youth. Imagine thinking that porn was all there is to sex! It's base. Really. Their idea of fun is a brazilian-ed crotch and a co-worker... if you see what I mean. That is so shallow. It breaks my heart to think of entire generations who expect that approach.

Honestly, where is your brain in this activity? Your heart, and your fingertips, your empathy and your endearment. Fast, slow, caring and carried away, none of these exist in this generation's idea of what is sexually exciting.

Getting used to one

Do you know that feeling of relief that you don't have any commitments this weekend? I can sleep in, I can do whatever I want, there's no-one to negotiate with, no-one to curtail my fun... It's great. It's empowering when it's right. And fantastic when you haven't had it for ages.

But sometimes, it's all too quickly followed by, oh my god, what am I going to do, why isn't anyone calling, where are my people, why haven't I worked out what to do with my life? And let's face it, too often the incredibly ridiculous feeling that you should have somehow taken over the world by now and you need to hurry up and do it.

Anxiety can ruin what on paper can be a perfect relaxing weekend with no demands, no push or pull. To manage that beast, I'm reminding myself that I've had lots of amazing experiences, and done heaps of stuff I'm proud of so I'm all good to take some time before my next step towards world peace... Reading, writing, drawing, playing, making stuff, fixing stuff, plenty of time to do my thing...


Just stop by on your way to yours Share something silly or some news Seeing a twinkle in your eye Sharing a knowing smile Or a bit of cheeky theatrics A sneaky peek A little mimicking or a flirtatious ruse Or even better A little prep together And best of all – a cuddle Before you go.


I want to love you slowly Get to know you more and more Your dreams and ideas, Your body, your desires, your pleasure I want to feed you beautiful food, flavours, textures, treats To touch you gently, firmly, tenderly, passionately Play and tease You look at me knowingly from your photo Telling me I’m being naughty again Your blue eyes darkened Your lips slightly apart, like mine Your shirt is open at the neck I’m enticed and intrigued To breathe on your neck, so I can almost taste you Undo your buttons, moisten my lips but not quite kiss you Instead I open your shirt, and play with your nipples With my tongue Then I kiss your neck while gently breathing on it Warm breath, finally moist lips kiss you.

ENM relationships

Ethical non-monogamy, otherwise known as honesty, otherwise known as 'dating with a back up' to those of us who remember it before the new millenium identity extravaganza, is kinda weird.

So, emotional non-maturity seems to be a better descriptor. And I don't mean that in a mean way, more that when the parties involved don't want a primary relationship with each other, it also means you never let yourself get involved in a way that might provide the excellent sex and intimacy that makes the connection interesting and somewhat more rewarding.

So my ENM friend is a sweetheart trying to hide it, and a bit shy for a kink guy. And at the start was very loving, but I watch him pull back and come in and pull back over and over. And I know he's uncomfortable if I talk about my other Tinder dates, but also curious. It is a cool idea, but funnily enough the people I know who do it, aren't the ones who are most suited to it. Those who want a regular one night stand, FWB...

I think I'm more comfortable with an old fashioned lover, which feels more emotionally honest in a way, but also, there's usually more love and excitement involved. This having it out in the open makes it less exciting and a bit hum drum... or maybe that's me. I guess the challenge is that any emotional involvement might upset the balance in the other relationship/s, but is it honest and ethical not to accept that is a potential outcome? Isn't ENM really a promise not to enjoy any one particular lover too much... is that realistic?

The magic of horny

So what is it that makes us feel sexy, get turned on, feel that warm buzz without battery powered assistance?

Attraction and excitement can be either simple or complex but not much in between. We assume that chests, breasts, butts and legs work for most, but how is that connected to the beauty of face, beard, hair, lips. And then there's, cheekiness, sultry-ness, husky-ness. Yes, let's not forget someone's voice.

When I was young and flatting a salesman for Sky came to the door one day. Irish. None of us, three women, wanted Sky or had any interest in it at all but we invited him in for the full run down. An unspoken agreement was made, we were going to question him for as long as we could. I think we kept him going for a full 90 minutes on the sound of his voice.

I don't understand the standard view of a male adonis. It's just not attractive to me. Hard muscle, chiselled chin, flawless visage. There's nothing sensuous about it. I want someone to feel good when I hold them, soft skin, shoulders broad enough to hold me tight, a bum I can squeeze.

I need depth of emotion, to care about the things they care about, to enjoy their intellect but see their emotion, to enjoy the way they look at me, and the sound of their voice in my ear. I'm more interested in the desire to see more, than just seeing nudity. I get excited about little glimpses, like the buttons of a man I'm attracted to, imagining undoing them slowly makes me hot to my fingertips and my breath deepen... Feeling them watching me makes me horny.

That said, I also understand the beauty of breasts in a braless tank top and delightful nipples... soft and inviting. But not everywhere, or regularly. Everything fades when it's overdone. I'll never want to see my lover naked every day. Keep it for love-making and even then, not always.

Keep it special. Don't form habits. Enjoy playing and imagining.

Titilation and kink

Meet Red, not his real name of course, but he's into software, has two young kids, cares about the community – if promtped, meets me in a cute pohutukawa shirt, is kind and respectful, chirpy, is having a birthday in the weekend and to celebrate he's having a kink party. Oh and he's into ethical non-monogamy, and has a primary partner. I know, you think I'm angling for an invite so I can report back. Maybe post-omicron...

So, keen to work out what all these labels are, and he has a lot of lingo on the kink side. It seems ethical non-monogamy translates as honesty. Not that much more to it really. All good. And in lots of ways it also feels a lot like dating – ie haven't committed to anyone, except it's dating with a fall back position/or person in this case. Forgive me, I'm supportive and cynical all at once. Don't get me wrong, I don't think one person can possibly provide everything another needs, but we make choices about how we manage that. Sometimes it means no physical engagement with others, or keeping it from others, or not hurting others, ...

Ok, the sex. Not yet, but my thing with more and more complex toys and partnership options, is an ever increasing spiral of needing more and more to get excited. A little bit like drugs, I get used to beer, I move to wine, get used to that I need spirits, get used to that I need coke, get used to that I do something else and so it goes up the chain, or rope and rubber in the case of sex. As you get older things can get a bit old hat, sex for the sake of it, trying more elaborate options, get used to it, try the next etc.

So at some stage I decided to stop climbing the ladder and start re-sensitising myself. I shifted my idea of intimacy, engaged my mind, all the things that impress my values, my intellect, my body. I guess I've always been quite sensitive about touch, my fingertips and hands get warm and are excited by touch, and desire becomes mental, emotional and physical. If someone I care for has something intelligent or passionate to say that connects with my values it really works for me. To feel the warmth of that person next to me is enough to make my breath deepen and my heart pound, and yes, that buzz between my legs.

So will I go to a kink party? Maybe, but it's not something I'd do regularly for fear of desensitising my enjoyment. I'll let you know.

So can you be friends with someone you want to have sex with but for whatever reason can't?

My starting point is that it is so hard to find people who I connect with, feel I can really talk to. Those few people are often people I feel more than just friendship for. I'm also really aware that because I don't have a great family background, I often find it harder to let go of these people when love goes awry or friendship falls over. I want them to be like the family I don't have.

When it is so hard to connect, why is it that I have to lose these people. In my world I would want mine to stay close, but try not to get in the way of other love that they had or I had.

We are clearly not completely monogamous beings, but we can be loving without being unfaithful surely. I know that's easy to say when I'm the one trying to connect with old love or even love that never happened, and if it was my partner wanting to maintain the friendship I may feel differently. But if my relationship was strong, then I hope I wouldn't be threatened.

Maybe I'm being naive or complicit with my inner desires... Life is short, there is little time to find people who connect, and those few who do continue to be special to me. Maybe the answer is that I am just not that special to them.

There is the romantic, he remains the one I feel closest to; the naughty monkey who fights for people, who I thought needed to learn a lesson but it only made me fall harder when he did, and it remains the unrequited; and the one I want to find someone new for.

Safe to say, it's hard trying to build a new life, I found that I needed more love to help me leave. But that love is struggling to be found. In dating apps I have found support and flirtations to keep me smiling.

Independence is also loneliness and when you're in unhappy relationships your networks get too many holes to play safety net.

Those I hold dear should know that once you're in, you don't get kicked out, you gain unconditional love. And while I like how some want to look good in my eyes, it's the good I see through your misdemeanours that makes you human and closer to me.

Dating app conundrums

After chatting for a month, this one says, my confidence is low so I usually wait to be asked to meet, in the middle of the chat... it's after midnight and he's been on a date. I gather it wasn't so great.

It's good isn't it, he's saying he's keen, but he's just been on a date, got home and is looking for another – do I want that. I'm flattered but also over analysing again. Is this a game for him? No, he's honest and interesting, that's good isn't it? But he may be stuck in the 'getting over it' phase.

Dating is a fun time, but a weird time. Especially if you're living on your own, you think too much and have to check yourself. You swing from altruistic – we're all in this dating game together and be good to each other, supportive when they are honest about it – to 'get real' and 'the signs were all there, remember' thinking about past experience... – and let's be honest, the 'just get it on and go' phase. OK, 'phases'.

Enjoy meeting people, ignore the bs. Be safe. Focus on that.

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