New life, love, sex and friendships passed 40

Holding hands

There is something about walking along holding hands that is so intimate, and getting that wrong can be really uncomfortable.

I had a coffee with someone I've been chatting with online at my local cafe. He was lovely to the staff and took a real interest in their business. It was nice. We talked of family, history, kiwi holidays, Māori rights and the last year of COVID craziness. His paisley shirt showed a flair for the artistic and detracted from his bricklayer background. He has a gorgeous smile, and a gentle manner.

More small businessman than political activist, but open minded and open hearted. So that should suit me.

But he keeps checking out my body – understandable once but regularly. And looking at my chest. So my impression immediately changes to sleazy but polite. And from there any touch is uncomfortable.

As we walk away from the cafe he grabs my hand. I go with it for a minute, but under the circumstances it's all wrong. Maybe in a week or two it would work but the combined discomfort tips the balance. And that's that.

Trying to work out what touch is right and what timing suits it is really hard and I don't hold that against anyone but somehow holding hands is signficantly more intimate than a hug or a kiss on the cheek. I think about past partners and realise there's only one or two I'd be comfortable holding hands with, but I'd hug all on greeting.

I guess the only way to go is do what feels right for you and you'll soon find out what feels wrong for them. But responding to their signals is key. Good luck.


You hide in among the flowers Popping up to test the sunshine You lay in wait Watching

Surprise hello A fleeting moment of fun You run To safety

Let's Play again Among the petals In the sun

Warm memories

Bubbling happiness Laughter tickles and becomes giggles Your happiness Our virtual touch makes me joyous Giggling takes hold ———————————— Close I feel you breathing The sun on my lap Floating on a cloud Rivers weave past below I feel you breathing and it calms my heart Warm Protected Safe —————————————- How to describe how it feels Like moonlight sonata A cherry blossom on a grey day A butterfly’s first flight A delicate balance Sacrifice and the unkown await ————————————— Holding you briefly Feels like sleeping after a sleepless night Your warmth lingers on my chest My arms remember

Sparkling mists

Telltale signs Are you speaking to me Tantalising tease Your voice excites me I see double You know A secret smile quickly passes I feel the silk of your tie on my empty hand Your collar undone in my gaze My breath on your neck Your lips waiting


My hands warm with the thought of touching you My heart tenses up and my breath becomes deeper I close my eyes and see the smooth nape of your neck, inside your open collar I catch your gaze in my memory, an accidental ‘darling’, a deliberate dive into your soul Desire runs through my body

To garlic and strong memories

For no apparent reason I remember you chopping garlic in your Terrace flat kitchen. It must be 25 years ago... Your hair softly sits on your neck. It was so smooth and shiny. Your shoulders strong, and your waist waiting for my arms to hold you. Watching you as you make me dinner, I was at peace. Comforted, secure, relaxed. There is so much love in cooking for someone else when you are new lovers. When you take the time to do your best for each other. It is such a special time.

A memory in the rain drops

Freedom On the road Pounding rain In the dark You are my fire Keeping me going Your voice soothes me Your eyes light me up Your cuddle gives me safety and love

Little hunk exasperates me with junk sex

Ok so I start chatting with a cheery young man mountain climber and chocolate eater. Seems cool. I say he's got life sorted – the great outdoors and chocolate all at once. Somehow, that generation alway end up trying to have online sex. Why? Fuck it's weird. I haven't met this guy but he wants to talk dirty. Ok, fine, understand. But sadly, I did actually want to meet him but now he hasn't even met me and he wants to visit my back entrance as it were!

I'm so pleased that my generation didn't have access to online porn in their youth. Imagine thinking that porn was all there is to sex! It's base. Really. Their idea of fun is a brazilian-ed crotch and a co-worker... if you see what I mean. That is so shallow. It breaks my heart to think of entire generations who expect that approach.

Honestly, where is your brain in this activity? Your heart, and your fingertips, your empathy and your endearment. Fast, slow, caring and carried away, none of these exist in this generation's idea of what is sexually exciting.

Getting used to one

Do you know that feeling of relief that you don't have any commitments this weekend? I can sleep in, I can do whatever I want, there's no-one to negotiate with, no-one to curtail my fun... It's great. It's empowering when it's right. And fantastic when you haven't had it for ages.

But sometimes, it's all too quickly followed by, oh my god, what am I going to do, why isn't anyone calling, where are my people, why haven't I worked out what to do with my life? And let's face it, too often the incredibly ridiculous feeling that you should have somehow taken over the world by now and you need to hurry up and do it.

Anxiety can ruin what on paper can be a perfect relaxing weekend with no demands, no push or pull. To manage that beast, I'm reminding myself that I've had lots of amazing experiences, and done heaps of stuff I'm proud of so I'm all good to take some time before my next step towards world peace... Reading, writing, drawing, playing, making stuff, fixing stuff, plenty of time to do my thing...


Just stop by on your way to yours Share something silly or some news Seeing a twinkle in your eye Sharing a knowing smile Or a bit of cheeky theatrics A sneaky peek A little mimicking or a flirtatious ruse Or even better A little prep together And best of all – a cuddle Before you go.

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