mr.gr3y

//8:42 am

Gooooood morning!

I'm still in bed. I've been browsing around the net on my laptop for a bit, just making sure the world is still there. I can see outside my window that it's going to be a beautiful day. I keep telling myself I need to get outside and go hiking, or at least go for a long walk, but that sh*t probably won't happen. We'll see though.

After yesterday's three-hour long nap I've had one of those groggy-type headaches which carries into this morning. I'm going to take some Excedrin here shortly and knock that out. Plus I've been chugging a ton of water, which usually helps too. But I've got a whole new case of Diet Dr. Pepper I'm going to become one with later today. I switched to the diets a few months or so ago and I hated it at first, but now I really enjoy them. My goal is to rid myself of all phony stuff like that, so I keep telling myself this is a temporary phase to allow these, but, for now, I keep them around and I'm at peace with that.

I had the most beautiful dream, and met the most wonderful and beautiful person. I kid you not, if I were to believe in soul-mates this person would be it. I've already forgotten so many details about it, including a lot of details about this person, which I was hoping I could hold on to a few memories, and it breaks my heart. The events of the dream weren't anything surreal, or amazing. Were were in some crummy house – it might have even been a larger hotel. There seemed to be some family around staying with us as well – parent figures, grandparent figures, as well as some that seemed to be friends. But she and I connected right away, and so deeply. The night was spent hanging out on the crummy couches, talking, laughing, and being intimate. Not just being intimate in the physical form, but, it was so much deeper – dare I say, spiritual. We connected at levels that I've never known were possible to connect with another person. It was all pure joy. No desire, no rules, no expectations – just joy.

Now, I barely remember a thing beyond what I just mentioned above. The details have faded, including her face which I hoped to remember. But, the feeling is still there, and I think that's the only detail worth remembering. The focus of it all wasn't the setting or the other people. Those only seemed to be placed there to help make it seem more 'real' in order for the dream to be bought by me. The playground where our exchange and interaction could take place in a believable setting, only so the setting could be set aside and the focus be on each other.

Imagine hearing the most beautiful song you've ever heard. One that includes all ranges of emotions – sadness, loneliness, anger, desperation, fear, worry, happiness, joy, peace, stillness, love – and have it played softly, in the background, like a movie where all the scenes are artistically presented, nearly in slow motion so every detail can be absorbed and experienced. It's like laying in a wide open field of safety and peace, and staring up at the nights sky of your soul and going deeper than you've known existed. It was absolutely beautiful.

Was it a message? Was it something I'm supposed to take with me and use later on? Or was it simply just a moment created, shared and experienced where presence was the only intent? Maybe there doesn't have to be a lesson with everything. Maybe, just be there, in that moment, and be fully present is all it's about. Not only for that moment, but all of them. Allowing yourself to go deep enough into each moment to experience all those ranges of emotions and that connection to each other, and yourself.

Every moment is beautiful.

/mg

//7:03pm

I've been watching Mr. Robot the past week or two, binging through the entire series. I've really enjoyed it. I tried to watch it a while ago, but didn't have access to the show so I kind of forgot about it until just recently. I quickly became hooked.

I've become quite interested in more technology lately, especially in the areas of privacy, security and anonymity. In researching more of those topics, and understanding the truth about our governments, corporations and how they handle such things as privacy and surveillance, mixed with a lifelong pursuit into the magnificent arts of the anarchist mindsets, Mr. Robot is a perfect show to get sucked into. But, sadly, I only have one episode left to watch.

I found my newly adopted kitty hiding out underneath the stairs in the basement. She came out after a little bit of me baby-talking her. I sat with her in my bathroom for a while, kind of in a lock-down mode, and she was so sweet and cuddly. I think she's just nervous of my other cat that's being a total dick to her. They'll be good in time, but for now, she's remaining cautious.

I ended up taking a nap for about three hours. This was entirely unplanned, but I was just so chill and my bed was nearly screaming for me to get inside, I couldn't resist. But now I feel all groggy and out of sync. I hate that feeling. I just ate a huge salad (I'm vegan), which has helped reset me a bit with energy and feeling better. I'm not sure what I'm going to do the rest of the night. Probably just hang out, chill, and maybe dig into some documentaries, books, or get high af and travels some dimensions of the mind a bit.

More later...

/mg

// 11:17 am

I slept in a bit this morning. And by that I mean I got up around 8am. Naturally, I might add, next to one of my kitties cuddling with my face. I still haven't seen the new kitty I adopted the other night. She's basically terrified of everything and just hides. Poor girl, thrown into this new world, after hopping around a few places before, having surgery to remove her girly-goods, and then being stuck in a little room where humans would come through all day to touch and pet her. Then I come along, put her in a little box, drive her to this place, and now she's clueless as to where she is, what's going on, and where her friends/family are... :(

I know where she's hiding, but I'm choosing to just give her space and let her take her time. I got her to eat last night after I found her hiding under one of my couches. I set a few pieces of food in front of her and she slowly began to eat, taking breaks to rub all over my arm reaching under the couch. I think she'd be better if my other cat wouldn't come around and hiss at her. I know he's saying “back of b*tch, this is my human”.

I know it will take time. The same thing happened when I brought the other kitty home for the first time. The cat I had then hissed like crazy at him, and he would just hide for days. It'll work out. Some point down the road I'll catch them playing and cuddling together, I hope anyways.

After snoozing in bed for a bit, I got up and starting taking care of my plant babies. I have a whole house full of them, with more showing up all the time. I prefer plants over humans. I don't let too many people into my life, honestly. They're too much trouble usually. The very few that I keep, I pour them my soul. I love them dearly, and they become my people. Everyone else can suck it though.

My house is full of plants because I want my own little world – my own little jungle. This is where I can relax, be myself, let go, breathe fresh air, and experience wonderful lessons on kindness, patience, care and love. Nature is the best teacher.

I just did a round of watering all the plants in my bedroom, and some in the main room. Next I have to get out a ladder and do some more that are higher up throughout the house. I really enjoy the process of caring for these plants. It's my own little meditation. And as I said before, I won't hesitate to give up time with humans in order to stay home and care for my plants, or just chill.

I'm currently taking a break and relaxing on the couch, listening to some chill tunes and eating some potato chips for breakfast. I know I'm supposed to watch my girly figure and all, but, f*ck that. I don't care.

Wait, what? Did I just reveal I'm a female? I suppose you must have figured I was a male with the name, Mr. Gr3y, right? Maybe I am a girl. Maybe I'm not? Maybe it's all just a play on words and assumptions? Well.. I cannot confirm or deny I am male or female, sorry. It doesn't really matter anyways, does it?

I guess that will just have to remain a mystery, for this post anyways.

Back soon...

/mg

//8:23pm

Good golly gumdrops, am I glad it's the weekend.

This week has been hell. Usually, I have visits from my corporate team about once a month – sometimes even pushing it to once every other month. But this week, I had four visits. Four. And not just quick pop-ins either. They were full on 'sit down and chat about all the numbers and drill you on why things aren't better than they are' visits.

I certainly don't do well with people hovering over me. I'm too much of a rebel. I question too much and pave my own path. This is dangerous for anything that represents a system. I don't do well with systems. Especially ones that want you to stay in line, do as you're told and keep your mouth shut. Conformity is not my strong point. Conformity is my cancer. Conformity is death to every dimension of my soul, if I were to have one. The hollowed out core where my soul used to be is now full of blunt reality, Oreo's and lots of dirty jokes. F*ck the system.

But yet, I play along because I have to. In a way, we all have to. So, I guess I do conform. We all conform. That's the game. And for those that think they've found a way outside of the game, they're only kidding themselves. We're all a part of it in one way or another. And the saddest part is, we depend on it. We need it. We fight to protect it.

Most people would rather be safe than be free. Desperately clinging on to any illusions of security and promises of salvation in exchange for the very levels of our being that make us who we are. Selling off the endless bounds of creativity and curiosity that feed and power the depths of grace and Love, hoping for a chance to remain within the game, embracing the illusion, the lie.

It's all bullshit either way. Safety is an illusion. Control is an illusion. Freedom is an illusion. I, we, are illusions. I'm nothing, yet everything, all at the same time. And above all that, it's not about finding any answers, because in truth, there aren't any questions.

It just is.

It all, just is.

Anything else is just in the way.

The only thing real worth pursuing, is Love.

/mg

Love is always the answer.

This is a philosophy that I try to consciously live by. It's all about love. This whole crazy life experience that we are all going through, in all it's different forms and varieties, it's all about love.

Today I had to sit in a meeting where one of my employees was receiving a write up for her performance. It was initiated by my boss, who usually is only around once a month or so. The thing is, though, a lot of the variables she deals with is entirely out of her control, but yet, it was presented as though she is required to not only create control for those unexpected situations that arise due to other humans, but to maintain a results percentage that is unheard of within the entire company. I piped in to defend her and gave out some specific numbers, which were helpful to get my boss to admit the difficulty in the situation, even pausing for a few seconds upon realizing that he just agreed to stating how outrageous his comments were, but pointed out the expectations still remained.

I know I'm being extremely vague, and doing so on purpose. I guess it doesn't really matter anyways. At the end of the story, it's clear that there's not a thing that this employee could do to meet the expectations that my boss has. She was screwed either way. No one else in the entire company is coming anywhere near those expectations. And even though he admitted that fact, she's still being written up. But not only that, he dragged me into as well as though I'm involved in that decision, which I was vocal against.

She held herself together pretty well, regardless. She smiled, nodded along with the conversation, and was polite. But once the meeting was over, she broke into tears and left the room. I gave her a few minutes and when she returned I gave her a quick hug. She said she knows that I had nothing to do with the situation, thanked me for standing up for her, and expressed her frustration with the overall experience. I let her vent for a bit, which seemed to help her feel a bit better. Sometimes we just have to feel the burn, whether we agree with the flames or not.

I'm not happy about the event. She clearly isn't either. It wasn't a good experience. But, it's done and over with. It's in the past now. All that can be done is how we choose to be in response to that event. And, as with all events, large or small, we can choose to respond with love or fear. Not only responding with love to others, but ourselves as well.

I reminded my employee of this in our talks afterwards. I even called it a 'power'. She understands that, as we've talked about it before. And although that moment wasn't desired, and wasn't something we'd want to go through, that it provided the foundation for the moment now, where we could decide who we are. And not just decide who we are, we can create who we are, and doing that by choosing our next move in the game of life.

She chose to accept what was (after taking some time to feel the experience, never discounting her feelings of that moment), and to choose a new response to the situation when she was ready to experience something else.

She's been laughing, and singing along with the music playing throughout the office.

She chose to create her reality. She chose to respond with love towards herself. This choice affects me, and everyone else she'll be in contact with today.

It's all about love. Each moment of contrast that life presents is just a new opportunity to recognize, get in touch with, and create love.

Do more than choose it, be it.

/mg

I've created a public twitter as well, under this phony name.

might be fun to connect with other write.as writers.

reach out anytime.

@Mist3rGr3y

/mg

This is a public blog now.

I'm officially a paying customer of this service. I can't turn down supporting a great service.

Although I'll remain anonymous on this blog, I'll reveal some basics here and there...

• I live in the US.
• I'm in my early thirties.
• My house is full of plants.
• I love plants.
• I have two cats.
• INFP

hello, internet.

more later..

/mg

I've decided to start an online journal. Clearly, this is the place it will be. I'm highly attracted to the service of privacy, and ridding myself of apps and systems that aren't conscious or supportive of that. I found this site while researching Evernote alternatives. Although this isn't much of an app like Evernote, I was still toying with the idea of a good notepad/blog platform to begin using again.

I like having a place to dump my thoughts. So, here I am.

In the past I would write long, well thought out posts. But, with this, I like the idea of shorter posts, just posting more of them. Almost like a longer version of Twitter, but instead of just a short tweet, I'd write out a bunch of paragraphs spread out each day to document ideas, events, and such. So, let it begin...

/mg