The Worst Introduction at a Gig... Ever!
Disclaimer: This has some serious/dark themes, and is centered around dark humor. Read at your own risk.
I was having a beer (okay, two) with my bandmate Keelan, and he reminded me of this story. It's a short story, but depending on how I write it, it could be very verbose.
About six or seven years ago, our band got asked to perform at a benefit. Typically we turn these type of gigs down because they are pro bono which as much as I dig lending my talents, playing pro bono doesn't put food on the tab, or pay the electric bills:
“Son, you're probably asking what's for dinner, well I'll tell you. The main dish consists of the compliments I received from a show I played for free. It's served with a side of, 'You're really good, we wish we could pay you.'” – NickelNDime, to his hungry and irritated children
However, every so often there will come a cause that I can't say no to. Keelan and I were asked to play a benefit for a woman that lost both of her children in a horrible car accident. When I researched the event, there was no way I could turn it down. Apparently, the kids were driving on the freeway with their step mother on their way to a theme park when a car suddenly cut them off causing the step mother to swerve and flip the car. Tragically, both kids, who were only 11 and 13 years old, did not survive.
As I read about the mother, I was truly inspired by her strength. This woman turned her tragedy into hope and joy. She started a charity and auction in honor of her children. The money that is raised from the charity and auction go towards scholarships for children in need. I don't know if I could be that strong, as I sit here writing this with my five month old baby sleeping on my chest.
Don't let his cuteness fool you. This kid has got a set of pipes on him.
The event involved a marathon, so people could pledge runners for every mile they ran. The race's finish line was at an Elk's Lodge where there would be food, raffles, and awesome music by yours truly. For those not familiar with an Elk's Lodge, it's a members-only banquet hall. They provide a night out for your average Joe and Jane without costing an arm and a leg. They are scattered all over the U.S. and from the couple I've entered, there is no level of standard that they abide by:
“Agnes, if we leave now, we should reach the Elk's Lodge in a fortnight. Also, please put on something a little more modest or people at the Elk will think you're a filthy harlot.” -The Elk's newest member
The day of the benefit arrived. We set up with plenty of time to spare, so I made my way to the bar. They had no craft beer, so I had to get... a normal beer. The bartender made a joke when I ordered...
“Can I get two B#d Lights?”, I asked.
The bartender smirked and replied, “We don't sell beer here, we rent'em to you. All we ask is when you return it, you do it in the restroom.”
All the barflies sitting at the bar laughed as if he said something as funny and profound as George Carlin. I chuckled a little, and paid for my beer. Little did I know the bartender would go back to the joke for every drink I ordered for the rest of the evening. If I have one pet peeve, it's lazy humor.
As I made my way back to where we set up our gear, a man in a suit stopped me.
“Are you with the band?”, he asked like it was a shake down.
“Ah yeah, I'm Nick. I make up fifty percent of the duo, Nick and Keelan. And you are...”
“Name's Robert Mehcuff, I'm president of this chapter of the Elk's Lodge.” He smiled a car salesman smile, and held out his hand. I shook it as he continued, “Say, you don't mind if I get up there and make a speech before you start playing so I can introduce you?”
“No, I don't mind. It's your establishment.”
“Great, great... Alright then, I'll let you get back to your rockin' and rollin'!” With that, he did a little air guitar to show he was still cool. It came across as so forced, I cringed as I feigned a smile, and said my goodbye...
As I handed Keelan the beer I got him, I noticed that people from the charity had started to arrive. Keelan stood up and made his way to our gear. I motioned him back.
“We're supposed to start playing,” Keelan said with a confused voice.
“The president of this place said wait for him,” I answered.
“Ohh. Say Nick, how much do you think being president of a place like this pays?”
“High four figure salary easy.”
“Oh...So we're dealing with the top brass, huh?”
“We sure are Keelan, we sure are.”
We waited another 15 to 20 minutes. At this point, the entire Elk's Lodge was packed with people from the charity. I could tell the regulars were not used to this big of a crowd. The crowd for the benefit and the regular Elk crowd could not have been any more different. My eyes continued to survey the room when I noticed the event coordinator. She was looking back at me, with a confused look on her face. She then made a air guitar motion, the raised her hands in a confused manner. The message was loud and clear, Why aren't you morons playing?
I pointed towards the Elk president as he made his way to us. We handed him the microphone and he tapped it with his finger. The crowed quieted down. He began to speak...
“Good evening everybody, my name is Robert Mehcuff. I just want to thank everybody for coming tonight. We at the Elk just want to offer our condolences to this woman,” as he said that, he pointed to the woman who lost her children. I felt the confused and awkward vibe come over the room. The president continued, “... Just seeing everyone in the community come together has really warmed my heart...” He let his voice trail off for dramatic effect. He let his hand holding the microphone drift down to where his other hand was as if he was making a prayer.
Then he held the microphone back up to his mouth, and said these exact words,
And because it's such a heart warming event, I'm offering five percent off all Elk membership applications tonight only!”
The crowd was dead silent, like someone had just slapped them all individually across the face. Robert didn't seem to notice because he followed up with,
And now to make you sing and dance, the musical stylings of NICK AND KEELAN!”
This is what the crowd was like as he handed back the microphone and we took the stage.
We won the crowd over, and played the annual charity event for the next five or six years. Needless to say, that was the first and last time the Elk's Lodge hosted the event.
Take it easy, but take it.
NickelNdime Out!