The Courage to Be Disliked: Key Lessons from a Life-Changing Book
Introduction
On the outskirts of a thousand-year-old city, a philosopher lived, teaching that the world was simple and that happiness was within everyone’s reach.
A young man, dissatisfied with life, sought out this philosopher to uncover the truth. But in his anxious eyes, the world was a chaotic mass of contradictions, and happiness seemed utterly impossible.
That is the powerful opening of The Courage to Be Disliked—a book that completely changed the way I think about happiness.
This is one of the most frequently recommended books in my collection, and today, I want to summarize the five key lessons that I took away from it.
What Is The Courage to Be Disliked About?
At its core, the book is a dialogue between a young man and a philosopher.
The young man is frustrated with life, feeling like happiness is impossible.
The philosopher presents controversial ideas, challenging conventional wisdom.
📌 Instead of a traditional self-help format, the book unfolds like a debate—the young man argues against the philosopher’s ideas, and the philosopher calmly explains his perspective.
The philosophy in this book is based on the teachings of Alfred Adler, a 19th-century Austrian psychiatrist who was a contemporary of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.
While Freud and Jung are widely known, Adler’s psychology is often overlooked—yet his ideas offer some of the most practical and empowering approaches to happiness.
5 Life-Changing Lessons from The Courage to Be Disliked
1. Your Past Does Not Determine Your Future
Many of us have bought into the Freudian idea that our past traumas, childhood, and upbringing shape who we are today.
If we were bullied as children, we assume we’ll have self-esteem issues as adults.
If we grew up in a broken home, we assume we’ll struggle with relationships.
But Adlerian psychology challenges this idea.
🚀 We are not defined by our past experiences—we are free to choose our own emotions, goals, and behavior right now.
📌 Key Insight:
Not everyone with a difficult past develops a negative outlook on life. Some rise above it and create their own narrative.
In Adler’s words:
“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences… Instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.”
📌 Takeaway:
Instead of focusing on what happened to you, focus on what you choose to do next.
- We Create Emotions to Suit Our Present Goals
One of the most controversial ideas in the book is that emotions do not control us—we control them.
🚨 Example:
A young man in the book gets angry when a waiter spills coffee on him.
🗣 “The waiter made me angry!” he insists.
But the philosopher explains:
👉 It wasn’t the waiter who made him angry—it was his own decision to react with anger.
This ties into Stoic philosophy as well.
🔹 Seneca’s Advice on Anger:
“Reject the first incentive to anger because reason goes for nothing once passion has been admitted to the mind.”
💡 Modern Neuroscience Confirms This:
In How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett, the author explains that emotions are not just reactions to events—they are constructs of the brain based on our past experiences, beliefs, and interpretations.
📌 Takeaway:
The next time you feel angry, anxious, or frustrated, ask yourself:
👉 “Am I choosing this reaction?”
👉 “Could I choose a different way to respond?”
- All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
This is one of the most eye-opening ideas in the book:
📌 Most of our problems come from our relationships with others.
Think about it:
We worry about what others think of us.
We fear rejection and failure.
We stress about how others perceive us at work, in friendships, or in relationships.
Now, Adlerian psychology takes this even further:
👉 Interpersonal problems arise when we intrude on someone else’s task—or allow them to intrude on ours.
For example:
If you’re afraid of what others think of you, you’re taking responsibility for their opinions (which is their task, not yours).
If you’re worried about rejection, you’re making someone else’s decision (their task) your problem.
🎯 The Key to Happiness: Focus only on your own tasks—not the reactions of others.
📌 Takeaway:
Ask yourself: “Is this my task, or someone else’s?”
👉 If it’s not yours, let it go.
- Happiness Comes from Contributing to Others
Before reading this book, I assumed happiness was about feeling good.
But Adlerian psychology defines happiness as the feeling of contributing to something bigger than yourself.
💡 This means:
✅ Giving, not just taking, in relationships.
✅ Finding meaning in work, even beyond money.
✅ Helping others, which in turn makes you feel happier.
🔥 Concept: “Servant Hedonism”
My friend Tiago Forte calls this idea servant hedonism—combining personal joy with serving others.
📌 Takeaway:
When faced with two choices in life, ask:
👉 “Which one helps more people?”
Helping others isn’t just selfless—it’s also deeply fulfilling.
- Ultimate Freedom = The Courage to Be Disliked
The title of the book comes from one of Adler’s most powerful ideas:
💡 The key to happiness is having the courage to be disliked.
📌 Why?
We often hold ourselves back because we’re afraid of judgment.
We worry about how others see us—so we don’t take risks.
But when we stop trying to please everyone, we unlock true freedom.
🎯 Real-Life Example:
So many people I know want to start a YouTube channel, write a blog, or launch a business—but they don’t, because they’re afraid of what others will think.
📌 Takeaway:
👉 Focus on what matters to YOU, not what others think.
👉 Stop chasing approval—embrace being disliked.
Final Thoughts: Applying These Lessons in Real Life
The Courage to Be Disliked is one of the most thought-provoking books I’ve ever read.
✅ It challenges conventional psychology.
✅ It forces you to rethink happiness, relationships, and personal growth.
✅ It helps you break free from the fear of judgment.
📌 Key Takeaways:
1️⃣ Your past does not define your future.
2️⃣ You control your emotions, not the other way around.
3️⃣ Most problems are about relationships and boundaries.
4️⃣ Happiness comes from contributing to others.
5️⃣ True freedom is having the courage to be disliked.
🎯 What’s Next?
If you enjoyed these insights, I highly recommend reading the full book!
And if you want to dive deeper into self-improvement and personal development, check out my Book Club series for more life-changing reads. 🚀