listening to i bet on losing dog's live performance.

November 2, 2023

exam tomorrow.

but all i can think of right now is i would like to know someone with whom i really really really really wouldn't have to pretend.

no way i could be that way around the girl in my past who is now deified beyond belief. my little deity. asked me what i was listening to. blushed when i held her face in my hands.

exam tomorrow.

haven't studied that well. was depressed. actually.

went to a therapist. a mediocre one. would do me better to learn piano.

then i realized. what a realization it is!

duh, will say the reader.

duh, indeed.

i've realized that thinking and figuring things out and talking and discussing and being one with your feelings and all and every fucking advice that you hear whichever way is bullshit. i've realized that some things can not be achieved on a conceptual plane. i've learned that there are other ways of knowledge. some knowledge you can't learn in your head.

ALL I'M SAYING IS

i've learned to kick depression in the teeth. absolutely blast the galaxy out of it. then get a liver punch so bad i spend the day in bed. then we go on roughing each other out. for how long?

i have an exam tomorrow.

an elaborate plan is in place. to cheat. ourselves.

but we feel justified because what is ever fair?

convenient.

tell your baby that i'm your baby.

cuz i need to return to you.

i need to return to a world where i didn't have to try to believe i don't need to return anywhere.

i need your head on my shoulder.

i need you under the redness.

i need you to undress.

i need you to stress

how much you wanted things to be different

i bet on losing dogs.