things haven't been right for a long time. there's this noise i hear, this buzzing that's killing me from within. this noise is criticizing and trivializing everything.
i personally would not keep reading anything that started with a paragraph like that. or maybe i would. i probably would if i didnt sense vanity from the writer. because the vanity i sense frustrates me. (cuz i lack it most likely) and if i didnt sense the vanity i would read for another paragraph and by the end of this paragraph i would deem them to be artistically and spiritually mediocre. i would insincerely wish for their wellness and wish that my wish could be sincere.
it would make me also kind of mad that there are other people who are going through similar things as me. how could I feel special if there is goddamn psychiatric literature on everything? and if i cant then how could i tolerate this misery and pain which has no purpose, no benefit, no reason? winks to sky but the wink gets lost in the outer space before finding it's target because the target is a goddamn tale
im gonna be repetitive because life is repetitive. ive a handful of unsolvable problems that hurt like a pebble in a shoe. consistent, disturbing and eventually intolerable.
ive realized recently that ive started disassociating really hard. i catch myself being unresponsive to things around me that would've triggered me this or that way in the past. is it a coping mechanism for the times when i felt i couldnt change anything so i started adopting this passive position or is it a coping mechanism because im really fucking miserable and i cant stand the reality of my situation for more than a handful of minutes everyday? so i have to kind of intrinsically numb myself?
holy shit this has been a pleasant article hasnt it?
Nothing amazing ever happens here