Dear Miss Andi, 2 January 2020

Well, we're into a new year and a new decade, so suffice to say if you're itchin' for some change, you're not alone.

This is my first weekly column, where I respond to various relationship and sexuality questions taken from people who follow me on Mastodon. Feel free to DM me there, or anonymously ask via my CuriousCat page!

Anon asks: hi andi how do i fix my sleep pattern?

Gosh, this isn't something I'm particularly expert at, I have awful sleeping patterns. My girlfriend is pretty spot on with her's though, so I'll kind of just echo things she does:

  1. Use night filters on all your screens. My girlfriend cranks all of hers to the maximum. It's really jarring when you first start using these, but you get used to it pretty quickly. I've started doing this myself and I find it helps quite a bit.

  2. Have a strict bedtime. Plan to go to bed at this time. Don't let yourself fall into the “well, one more post” or “one more quest” trap! I can't count the number of times I've stay up all night on Mastodon or playing video games because of this!

  3. Evaluate which habits lead to insomnia. I tend to take a bubblebath before bed, and I always thought it would relax me before sleep, but really I find it actually instead invigorates me and keeps me up. Experiment with abstaining from things you tend to do before bed on nights you can't get to sleep; if you keep semi-normal hours, anything you do regularly around midnight is probably suspect.

Hope this helps!! 💚

Anon asks: im worried that as a transfem enby i will always be seen as a big gross gangly freak. is there anything i can do about this

Gosh girl, I hear you on this one. 💚 I'm 6'3 barefoot, shoe size EU 44. For the longest time, I worried I'd never pass simply due to my height. To be honest, it probably is the thing people clock me on most.

There are two ways you can approach it. The first is try to hide your size, using clothes that will mask and accentuate your body type. Honestly don't worry if you're a bit overweight, learning how to accentuate your curves is a skill everyone takes time to learn (including myself; I'm rake-thin and seriously want to work on having more of an hourglass silhouette instead of the beanpole, “Twiggy”-esque aesthetic I currently present); also, some of the hottest women I know are a bit thicc. Female fashion is in many ways simply learning how to work with what you've got.

The other option is to just lean the fuck into it. This is what I do most of the time. “Yeah, I'm tall and gangly, and yeah all y'all know I'm trans as a result. But whatever, I'm proud of who I am, I don't need your validation, and regardless I'm well aware I'm beautiful as heck, because I'm happy with how I look now. Deal with it. 😎” I don't want to hide who I am, I'm proud of how I look and the fact I'm the tallest girl in most any bar — regardless of whether I'm wearing heels or not. Most of my sexual partners have been either ambivalent or appreciative of my height.

Regardless, the latter approach tends to work well in large progressive cities. The unfortunate reality is that passing for many trans women isn't simply an aesthetic choice, it's a means of survival. If passing is a serious concern, focus more on the things you have control over instead of the things you don't. Makeup, hair, fashion, voice, mannerisms and gait are all learned behaviours and contribute far more to perceived femininity than physical features. The most important thing by far is confidence, and feeling like you're capable and presenting your best self does a world of good in terms of elevating that.

I wish you all the best! Hope this was in any way helpful!! 💚💚

Thus concludes my first column! If I didn't answer your questions this time, don't worry, I'll get to them eventually!!

Please keep the questions coming!! 💚💚

I'm also on: – Instagram: nuklearfiziks – FetLife: nuklearfiziks

Until next time! 😘

~ Rev. Miss Andi N. Fiziks 💚

#dearandi #advice #lgbtq #relationships #sexuality